Have you ever been told, I trust you, I just don't trust HIM\HER.

[NeverDoneLearning]

I've had this conversation before in quite toxic relationships and it came up again quite recently with someone that I believe is just a bit unaware of things they maybe be holding onto that they don't realize for the mere fact that I am very aware of demonstrating respect and integrity and he agrees. That being said, I believe and maintain that it IS indeed a trust issue/a lack of faith in me. He doesn't believe he doesn't trust me. I believe he's in denial which is more difficult to work through if he can't see it. I can explain and reassure as much as the next person but I'm straightforward with the fact that I feel that I am not trusted. These feelings seem obvious to me but he can't understand why I would feel that way. 

Has anyone been here? How did you feel? What action did you take?

Thanks.

[ShyViolet]

"I trust you, I just don't trust him/her" is an idiotic statement.  It makes no sense.  The person is in a relationship with YOU.  Not someone else.  If they trust YOU, then there should be no problem.  If the person is exhibiting insecure behavior, then clearly they don't trust you.

[basil67]

Taken at face value, the phrase makes no sense and as a logical person,  it's a crazy thing to say to someone we trust.

However if you value the relationship, there is emotion behind it which needs to be looked at to try and find out if he's got issues or if you're doing something which would create concern for many a reasonable person.    It's important for we pedants to avoid being picky about his phrasing and get to the bottom of the issue.

Who is the HIM who your boyfriend doesn't trust and why does he have concerns?    What are the situations where you come in contact with this guy and how often does it happen?   What kind of things do you discuss with the other guy?    What suggestions does your boyfriend have which would make him feel better about it?

Edited April 28, 2020 by basil67

[preraph]

We hear that a lot on here.  The implication is that you are too weak to control the situation, and to be fair, sometimes that can be true.  I see the same complaint about a woman, say, at work who is flirting with someone's man and they do nothing to set a boundary.  Now, that is probably because they don't want to, to be honest.  

[NeverDoneLearning]

It's come up a few times now with different origins/people which is why I am trying to reach out. 

One is that he struggles with that fact that I have male friends. Most 99.99% of those interactions are group settings and social. These are also friends that I have had ranging from years to decades and have never had anything other than friendship with.

Another is I work in a trade which allows opportunity to trade services. A couple examples would be, oil changes, gym memberships, even some small home repairs and renos. Those have come from both male and female clients. But he's focused on a recent male one. I make deliberate effort to keep things like that friendly and professional. Some (maybe 2-3) over the 15 years of experience (before this relationship) have indeed been bids for a date or something along those lines but I did not oblige for whatever reason. That tends to be the last time I hear from those people and that honestly what I prefer if it's not my professional services you're wanting. Anyway, I just heard from a repeat client willing to trade service again (which is great on EI fixed income in the COVID insanity). This man did try to politely ask me to dinner last summer to which I replied no thank you and that I had recently starting seeing someone new, my now boyfriend. He was humble and had a "don't know if you don't ask" kind of attitude. I asked if he was still comfortable to trade services and he agreed with no problem. We have had a mutual and professional relationship since with no repeat offers or come-ons. Had that been the case I'd have politely terminated that relationship.

As for timelines, it would depend on what services are required. I'd estimate we trade maybe once every 2-3 months? It would depend on need and season. There are no social visits or "hanging out" though. If I'm in the same room with this person and the others who I trade with it's because we are trading. 

[basil67]

I can't see anything you're doing wrong.   What does your boyfriend suggest you change?   Is he wanting you to stop bartering of skills?   If so, I think it's a step too far on his part.

[usa1ah]

Yes I was told this by my wife once. 
 

Here is the problem. There is a thread in the infidelity section of LS where a husband warned his wife that he did trust a guy. She said he had nothing to worry about. Then sometime later he caught them. Her marriage is destroyed now.
 

The guy was a player and he took his time to know what buttons to push. 
 

The thing is this. If you are in a relationship with someone why not respect/trust them enough to listen to a warning. 
 

No one ever plans on cheating most of the time. It just happens they say. In reality they never had proper barriers up to prevent it from happening. 

[usa1ah]

If he is only questioning one or two of the people you interact with, then I would say it his inner gut saying something. 
 

If it was every guy you know, then it is a problem he has to get over. 

[NeverDoneLearning]

13 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can't see anything you're doing wrong.   What does your boyfriend suggest you change?   Is he wanting you to stop bartering of skills?   If so, I think it's a step too far on his part.

This is my concern. He isn't the type to demand I stop talking to someone or to even be jealous. Our disagreements are calm and fair as far as my opinion goes. He doesn't demand anything from me and for that reason I continue to be open and honest with him. I guess what bothers me is the original statement of "I trust you, I just don't trust them." To me that is a contradictory statement. When I break it down in my head it doesn't align with the idea of being trusted. He was cheated on by his ex wife more than once and I understand there will be situations that trigger or sound an alarm in his brain and perhaps induce panic and fear of being hurt by someone he loves. I am sure to acknowledge those feelings and not dismiss his discomfort as we all have those lessons inside of us. I am willing to and have been transparent with interactions I have and how I deal with things that I consider inappropriate. So maybe I'm disappointed that those instances haven't built a larger confidence from him in me and I've communicated that. Those feelings transcend this specific situation in my mind. I guess my head goes to worse case and this distrust will get worse and not better. That's been my experience in the past. I did suggest to him that in this instance past lessons we've both learned are butting heads here. Him being cheated on and not trusting his partner and me being controlled by someone's insecurity and jealousy. 

[NeverDoneLearning]

2 hours ago, usa1ah said:

If he is only questioning one or two of the people you interact with, then I would say it his inner gut saying something. 
 

If it was every guy you know, then it is a problem he has to get over. 

He doesn't question every guy I know but he has mentioned that the fact that I have a fair amount of male friends makes him nervous.  I've been friends with these people for years and some decades. I'm not making new male friends and trying to pretend I don't see how that could be viewed as inappropriate.

[preraph]

I wouldn't blame him for having antennae up on that one that already asked you out.  I mean, how much face to face contact do you have with these service traders?  Can your man be there with you?

[NeverDoneLearning]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

I wouldn't blame him for having antennae up on that one that already asked you out.  I mean, how much face to face contact do you have with these service traders?  Can your man be there with you?

["As for timelines, it would depend on what services are required. I'd estimate we trade maybe once every 2-3 months? It would depend on need and season. There are no social visits or "hanging out" though. If I'm in the same room with this person and the others who I trade with it's because we are trading."] ---- This applies to this specific instance.

Other wise, I don't intentionally avoid him being around or shy away from them crossing paths it just hasn't happened as of yet with this one in particular. He has been present at times with others as the timing just happened to work out. We both have jobs and commitments and I work shifts so I can only plan around my availability.

 

[preraph]

I think all you can do is tell him that his brotherly advice about he doesn't trust the other guys is unnecessary and convince him that you already know that a lot of men have sex on the brain and that sometimes that is their only interest in contacting a woman, but then emphasize that this is a group benefiting from trading transactions and not a social dating type group.  You're either going to have to convince him you can and will shun any flirtation you might run across or he's just going to have to get used to being insecure about it, I guess.  It wouldn't hurt to let him know that it's his insecurity driving this, not your flirtatiousness.

[smackie9]

It's a statement they hide behind. The real truth...they don't trust you because they are insecure. Kick them to the curb before it gets any worse.

[NeverDoneLearning]

6 hours ago, preraph said:

I think all you can do is tell him that his brotherly advice about he doesn't trust the other guys is unnecessary and convince him that you already know that a lot of men have sex on the brain and that sometimes that is their only interest in contacting a woman, but then emphasize that this is a group benefiting from trading transactions and not a social dating type group.  You're either going to have to convince him you can and will shun any flirtation you might run across or he's just going to have to get used to being insecure about it, I guess.  It wouldn't hurt to let him know that it's his insecurity driving this, not your flirtatiousness.

We spoke on it again today, he chose to confide in someone close to him. I always do encourage an outside perspective and I praised him for that as I know he can get nervous about sharing somewhat private conversations outside the relationship. He said it helped him which I knew it would as it almost always helps me to confide in an outside point of view and also I felt confident in how I confronted it and dealt with it. He apologized and acknowledged my effort in talking through it as opposed to saying something along the lines of "tough s***".  We've all got some sort of baggage, myself included and I feel confident that even though we don't see eye to eye 110% of the time, that we are able to work through negativity and not slap labels and judgement on each other.  I appreciate everyone's input. 

[preraph]

That's great! Hopefully that will work out.

[NeverDoneLearning]

@enigma32 The same could be said for a man who prioritizes his insecurity over another's freedom of choice and independence. The view that males and females can't be friends is sophomoric and insecure. To not even consider encouraging an open dialogue and/or compromise or being honest about feelings and working through obvious issues is not realistic for long term success. 

I do agree with you that who you choose to confide in is something to seriously consider and some do not weigh or even realize the negative impact it could have. I don't share my relationship blips with males who aren't my family because that's a boundary I've set. Not because it was demanded of me in some insecure ultimatum but because I continually choose the man I'm with and he chooses me.

If you don't trust your partner to set appropriate boundaries then yes, absolutely bail, nobody would bat an eye, but if they are consistently demonstrating healthy respectful boundaries and you're still insecure based on your "takes one to know one" approach to life, then that's not reflective of her not prioritizing you. It reflects that she is dealing with someone who has become for whatever reason justified or not, unreasonable. If she's choosing you even in the thick of all the men who you are suggesting are chomping at the bit for their chance that speaks volumes over someone who can't cheat because they've been kept from any sort of male/female interaction. Everyone behaves when they know they're being monitored. That speaks nothing to actual integrity. 

If you want someone to choose you, then BE a good reason for someone to choose you. The game doesn't end when she accepts going on a date with you, or when you two say "I do" or when you have your first child. It is a long game with effort and teamwork from BOTH sides. Not with her compromising her friends or anything else, for no good reason other than you'll bail on her if she doesn't. Then labelled as not prioritizing. That's bulls***. period.

[IslandSanctuary]

There's nothing wrong with that statement. Trust isn't about letting your partner get them selves into stupid situations. No one is infallible - especially people that don't understand this. Respectful partners AVOID temptation - not resist it. 
I already know enough from this thread that I wouldn't waste my time dating you. You seem selfish and insecure and the type to be like "Oh but if he was a girl friend you'd have no problem with it!" - Bottom line is they aren't 'girl' friends and that is a huge distinction. If you were drinking in the spa with a girl friend I wouldn't care. 

[contel3]

Someone saying this is almost always insecure…..I wouldn't discard the concern just like that though. It can give you a lot of information about how a person thinks and where they set boundaries.

Sometimes there really is something valid about the concern, even if it is grounded in insecurity….. One of my exes told me he had a bad feeling about a guy I knew from work, turned out that guy was quite violent and I was lucky to never have been alone in a room with him. 

[kendahke]

When someone says "I don't trust him/her" that means "I don't trust your judgement to have him/her in close proximity to your person"... and that boils down to "I don't trust you".

[preraph]

There are men and women, like Enigma, who have been so burned that they just cannot have to deal with the insecurity of someone who has a lot of contact with the opposite sex.  It can just put you over the edge.  Now, I was once like that, pretty much, but it was temporary and I didn't make it the other person's problem.  I just chose otherwise, chose to not have to deal with any more insecurity for awhile until I healed and got stronger.  My focus was more on my female friends and not wanting them having to do anything at all with who I was dating, because I had gotten really badly burned that way and lost a friend and a bf over it.  I have since come to delete women I couldn't trust as friends from my life and trust the ones that are trustworthy.  

 

However, I always had a lot of friends and more than friends around and we were all in one group and still liked each other and socialized mostly not privately, and I wouldn't have thrown all that away for anyone because I loved my lifestyle and it would have meant basically staying home.  

 

It's up to him what he can deal with.  If he can't deal with a woman who has male friends she isn't about to boink, then he needs to move on, but I hope he's mature enough to realize that if he keeps a woman in a cage only being close to him, she is still going to be at work and meeting new people, and some of the new people may have extra allure simply because her home situation is so confining.  So you can lose your person either way.  There is no way to protect against it.  If someone isn't setting boundaries with the opposite sex (short of not talking to them), and letting it go too far, that is their choice and it's your choice not to stay and worry about that.  I had an ex that has always done that and just loves the flattery of female attention and even neediness and it made it intolerable for me and his wife isn't wild about it either.  

[NeverDoneLearning]

13 hours ago, IslandSanctuary said:

There's nothing wrong with that statement. Trust isn't about letting your partner get them selves into stupid situations. No one is infallible - especially people that don't understand this. Respectful partners AVOID temptation - not resist it. 
I already know enough from this thread that I wouldn't waste my time dating you. You seem selfish and insecure and the type to be like "Oh but if he was a girl friend you'd have no problem with it!" - Bottom line is they aren't 'girl' friends and that is a huge distinction. If you were drinking in the spa with a girl friend I wouldn't care. 

I literally don't know where to start here. I did get a good laugh in about you throwing in that you wouldn't date me though. I'm glad you cleared that up.

[NeverDoneLearning]

7 hours ago, contel3 said:

Someone saying this is almost always insecure…..I wouldn't discard the concern just like that though. It can give you a lot of information about how a person thinks and where they set boundaries.

Sometimes there really is something valid about the concern, even if it is grounded in insecurity….. One of my exes told me he had a bad feeling about a guy I knew from work, turned out that guy was quite violent and I was lucky to never have been alone in a room with him. 

I agree with you and we had long discussions about it for the reason that I believe too that writing things off is not only diminishing and belittling but ignorant. I've had very strong feelings about partners of my friends and family upon one time meetings. One just recently ended in the police being called and a charged filed for domestic abuse. I definitely agree to an extent that people can "sense" good and bad in others because I've been that person. I do also think though that people can have past trauma or wounds that put those senses off sometimes. I myself have decided I don't like someone based on essentially nothing. I've seen their face but have never be introduced or spoken with this person and that's my prerogative, but it doesn't apply to anyone else and I wouldn't force it on anyone else to.

[Woggle]

If I trust somebody it shouldn't matter what anybody else does. Men can hit on my wife all they want but she will never say yes and the same goes for me and women. We don't live in a gender segregated world and you simply can't avoid having contact with the opposite sex.

[preraph]

It's nice to be that way, Woggle.  Unfortunately, I guess it's not all that common, but especially when people are younger.  It's hard to find someone who won't give into temptation under the right circumstances.