about old friend

[Just confused]

I have a dear old friend that I met while living overseas.  I will call her tik.  If any of you have ever lived overseas then you understand how close you get and how friends become your family.  I adore my friend but something has changed.  She moved back to the states after 5 years while I stayed gone.  Every years when I returned to the states I made time to go see her.  She lives a few states over from me so I would book a ticket and make the trip.  I only had 2 weeks in the states, so I ended up neglecting a lot of other friends and family.  This friend was worth it to me.

 I returned to the states in 2011 and our friendship continued.  I still made trips to go see her but she never took the time to come see me.  I invited her all of the time.  In 2017 my little dog died and I was and still am devastated.  She invited me to tag along with her and another friend on a short trip to New York.  I should not have gone, it had o lot been 3 weeks since I lost my dog, I was still seriously depressed.   The trip was ok, I could tell my value as a friend had decreased and that she was a little more selfish than I remembered but the trip was ok.  Her mother was terribly ill at the time and not expected to live much longer, so this was also on her mind.  I told her how sorry I was to hear about her mother.  I knew she loved her mother very much and I know she was in a lot of mental pain.    About 2 weeks after we returned home her mother passes away.  I told her again how sorry I was.  Right after we finished texting someone forwarded a video to me of a comedian laughing.  Somehow I ended up forwarding the same video to my friend tik.   She then called me and ask if I was making fun of her mother’s death. 

We are 60 years old, I don’t make fun of anyone about anything.   I love this friend and would never ever hurt her.   I apologized over and over for sending her the video, it was a mistake, I didn’t even know I sent it.  She seemed to accept my apology and we moved on.  This was April 2017.  In March 2018 she asked me to fly out and go to her daughters college graduation with her and her husband.  I did, it was a busy time, I helped her get ready for a party   She was having after graduation, the trip went well I thought.   We touched base every month or so until sept 2019.  I had been trying to get in touch with her, I had called several times and left messages.  I finally decided to message her on Facebook.  I don’t keep up with Facebook, I have an account to see pictures of my grandkids who live in Germany.  She did not answer my message.  I let things slide until November 2019.  She finally called me and was very rude.  She told me all she thought about when she thought of me was the laughing video I forwarded her in April 2017.   That was over 2 years ago, we had seen each other since then.  She also told me that the apple store told her my telephone number was bad and was the cause of her phone going blank.  

I was shocked, and terribly hurt for what  she was accusing me of.  I did not understand.  Tik also unfriended me and blocked me on face book.  I never mentioned this to tik  it’s her business and I think reflects more on her than me.  We made up and limped along until now.  Her daughter was suppose to get married April 25  I was invited to the wedding.  I sent her daughter a little note on April 20 , just saying thinking of you with love on your wedding day.  I got am email from tik a couple of days later stating the wedding had been moved to August 15.  Her daughter never contacted me. 

Tik has been one of my best friends for 20 years.  I love her and would never betray, hurt or cause her harm.  Does Tik want to dump me?  Why would she drag up the phone video 2.5 years later.?   I thought she was mature enough to have hard conversations and tell me what is really going on but she is not.  It seems to me Tik has been adding up all of my mistakes and keeping a list while I have been over looking hers.   I just do not understand.  Should I just drop her and never speak to her again? I thought we would be friends forever.  But the original friend I had seems to be gone.  Any advice?

[basil67]

I'm so sorry all this has happened.  I have no advice but want to give you (((hugs)))

[ShyViolet]

Just because you've been friends for 20 years does not mean it should continue.  This friendship has severely declined over the last couple of years and it sounds like it's mostly on her part.  She has started to resent you and doesn't seem interested in being friends.  You two have drifted apart.  If I were you I would stop trying to be friends with someone who is clearly not interested.  Move on.

[Just confused]

Thanks for your replies.  Shy violet I think you are correct, I already knew in my heart for whatever reason this friend has decided she no longer wants to continue our friendship.  Sometimes you second guess yourself instead of facing reality.  I have never been one to run from the truth no matter how painful.  I stayed over seas for 24 years.  When I returned my husband went on to another assignment in Africa.  It was very hard adjusting to the states.  I know I was depressed then also.  I will not contact this person again and will accept it is over.  I am not beneficial to her life anymore.   I understood when she stopped calling me.  I am sure she will understand when I forget her.  

[Whispertomyheart]

Ok first you sent her daughter a loving note and the daughter didn’t bother to even call you?   Second, I would be greatly offended if someone accused me of sending videos on purpose and hacking their phone.  How old is this friend?  Your age? Blocking on Facebook? Really? Even being on Facebook at 60 seems silly.  This friend  or ex friend is either extremely petty, jealous of you for something or evil.  Drop her like a hot potato and never look back.  She is not worth a second thought.

[Whispertomyheart]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said she was busy keeping track of your mistakes while you were always over looking hers.   

[I get it]

I need a little more information before I can give advice. Has your friend Tik had any mental problems?  Did she ever apologize to you for accusing you of hacking her phone?

Has she ever apologized for anything?  I think you valued her and the relationship much more than she did.  Have you ever accused her of anything?  Do either of you have a habit or starting conflict with each other?  Is there any jealousy between you and her?  Has she talked about her other "friends" with you behind their back?

Regarding her daughter and the note you sent, she is just a inconsiderate inmature brat. 

[Whispertomyheart]

Hello just confused. Are you still out there?

[I get it]

Hi the reason I am interested in your post  is because I am sort of in the same position.  I joined this site to post my question but then I saw your post and thought I would respond.  You and I are about the same age and I, agree with you, I thought we were beyond foolish accusations and games.  Is this the most traumatic issue you have faced over the past years.  It was for me, I had been rolling along with my life thinking everything was great.  I will wait back for your rep,y before I continue. Take care

[Just confused]

Whisper to my heart, tik’s daughter is lovely.  She has always been special to me.  While I wish Tik would not included her daughter in this conflict, there is nothing I can do about it.  

 

I get it, where should I start... traumatic events.  2011 returned to states to live after living all over the world for 30 years, that was a horrible experience and still is.  I found out at the age of 52 I was adopted.  Then found out my adopted mother has embezzled money from us for 30 years.   That ended my relationship with all of my family.  Had affair which was one of the most selfish things I have ever done.  2012 got some type of face skin disease which left scars all over me, still fighting it today, I have been to 22 doctors in five different countries and still no cure.  2013 bought house and It caught on fire a month later. Spent 14 months rebuilding it.  My husband’s daughter died of heart attack.  She was 44 years old.  2014 best friend of 30 years just fell over dead one morning.  She had not been sick, she was healthy but had a blood clot she didn’t know about.    I think about her every single day.  2015 lost  another close friend due to colon cancer.  2016 the worst news possible.  My little dog had cancer.  I spent the next 18 months going to treatment center for her every three weeks. 2017 I can’t recall a major event.  I was so busy taking care of my little dog.  2018. My little dog died in March and I died too that day.  I will never get over losing her. 2019 Tik my friend accused me of hacking her electronics.  If my one wants to change lives with me I would consider it.  Other than these things I am fine.

[Just confused]

Facing all of the challenges has turned me into an introvert.  Ironically the times I did make n effort and get out it was to go see Tik.  I remember flying out to see her during a snow storm once.  My husband and I along with my little dog made the 18 hour drive to see her once.  I went out for her daughters graduation and there was one other time she ask me and I went. 

 

[I get it]

Dear Confused,

I think you should just relax.  So many terrible things have happened in your life these past few years.  It is common knowledge that mental stress, mental anguish and mental illness go with skin problems.  Your pain has to have some way to release its self.  I know what finding out about an adoption feels like.  It happen to a friend's husband.  He realize he have been lied to and betrayed all of his life by the people he trusted the most,  it was and still is  devastating to him.   He is not the same person anymore.  He too cut out his family because he could not trust them.  I have not loved and lost a pet but I have lost a daughter and I will never be over it.  Most likely your friend Tik expected you to be there for her when she lost her mother, not taking into account the mental pain and grief you were experiencing.  I agree with your comment, you should not have gone on a trip with her 3 weeks after your dog passed away.  You were not there for yourself, it would have been unrealistic for her to expect you to be there for her.   You did not act and react they way she needed you to.  You probably were lost in thought most of the time and not much fun.  If it were me I would still be trying to figure out who I am.   How Tik decided your were sending her a video making fun of her mother is  bizarre.  Who thinks like that?  You have no value to her anymore.   She was not a good enough  friend to step up and acknowledge the truth she lived with you for over the  years.  You were trustworthy,  you were there for her,  you made her a priority and took  time for her.  True friendships are like a marriage, you go through good and bad times but you know the heart of each other.   You don't turn on the other person.  You don't look for reasons to accuse the other person.   She thinks of  you  more of a burden than a friend.  Something she has to deal with.  Give her want she wants.  Your absence.

In my opinion you should never speak to Tik again.  You have made too many efforts to keep the friendship alive and she does not feel the same.  How many times has she made time for you?  Everyone has the same amount of time in the day, if it is important you make time, if it is not you make excuses.  How many other overseas friends does Tik have that have taken the time to go see her?  I would bet none.   True friends are loyal, never accuse you or judge you or jump to conclusions, always think the best of you and they are quick to forgive.  Tik has shown you that she does not forgive, that she is not loyal, she does not think the best of you and she is willing to involve her daughter in projecting her malicious feelings about you.   I could go on and on, but really there is no need.  What is that old quote about if someone will not lift a finger to call you, see you and spend time with you, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers and wave goodbye.  People make time for people they want to make time for.  People text, email and call when they want to.  Never believe anyone who says they've been too busy.  If they wanted to be around you and in touch with you, they would.