Venting

[VOver]

To be honest I'm probably just venting here. Not in the mood for the "I'm 45yo male, etc. etc."  story which seems to be common on all forums I've been reading (yes, being stuck at home in the quarantine with a women I never thought  would ever contemplate anything remotely close to what have happened does call for some reading). 

But this is the reality, my wife of 20 years (correct, wife of 20 years) after all these 20 years of a reasonably good marriage couldn't save herself from falling for someone who is clearly not serious about her. They did have fun (of course she does not want me to call it fun) and our marriage is the collateral damage. So now I'm supposed to do the hard work and do something about it, right?

Anyway I admit I have no one else but the Internet to talk about this - because of the virus and because that is something I cannot talk to the ones who are close to me yet not in my wife's camp so to speak. Picking up the phone with "Hey mate, you know my wife slept with the guy from her work" just wont cut it for me.

I'm not sure if I'm after anything specific (found out about a week ago) or if there is any suggestion that can help me here. Plus the virus slowed everything down (perfect timing!). Perhaps the only thing that surprises me that I don't feel any pain or hatred as described in other stories I did check. I kind of feel upset and irritated and so on because I know that is how should I feel under the circumstances, if it makes any sense. Yet my brain tells me that this period of my life is probably over.

[Buffer]

Brother a poo 💩 sandwich here. Can you tell us a bit more, such as are there children, did she voluntarily tell or did you catch her out? Do you know how long the A is? Do you know the OM? Did they defile your home and bed? 

Take care of yourself, eat well, drink water, get tested for STRs it STIs as they didn’t practice safe sex   IC for you. Seek legal advice when possible. Check old phone records. Dis engage from her. Your emotions will be in a roller coaster. Make no long term decisions, your thoughts will be all over the place. 
To cease the A expose it to all family. you have to be prepared to loose your marriage to win WW back. 
start the 180 now. Engage only is it pertains to your children. 
one day at a time

Buffer

[preraph]

Certainly not the best time to be finding out your wife is cheating. So sorry to hear. The quarantining does tend to make people stop and think a bit, so something could come out of that one way or the other. 

[pepperbird]

Look after yourself. eat well, get enough rest, exercise if you can, you know the usual advice.
For the mental aspect of this? It sounds like you could be in a state of shock. Did you kind of expect this or was it out of the blue? Is there a way you can have some private space in your home to think all this through without her input? You don't have to decide anything right away, and there's no way you should or shouldn't feel.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear this happened. If you've been reading the stories around here, you'll probably pick up lots of good suggestions from advice offered and you can then decide what to apply to your own situation.

[oldtruck]

details enable us to give good advice

how did WW meet the OM?

is the PA over?

is there NC?

[VOver]

Thanks everyone for responses and wishes.

2 hours ago, oldtruck said:

details enable us to give good advice

how did WW meet the OM?

is the PA over?

is there NC?

The OM (the other man I assume) is her coworker. They started working together about a year ago, however their relationship - whatever you call it now - has escalated in last 2-3months with actual affair beginning in March. She denies PA (physical affair?) however the proof I have is undeniable, think she's just trying to save face. I do not think they are seeing each other in person at the moment - I'm working from home because of the virus, my wife has an "essential" job (so has OM), so she was attending office until I found out. Since then she also staying home. I cannot be sure if she is still in contact electronically - out of all communication channels I of course don't have control over her work email.

13 hours ago, Buffer said:

Brother a poo 💩 sandwich here. Can you tell us a bit more, such as are there children, did she voluntarily tell or did you catch her out? Do you know how long the A is? Do you know the OM? Did they defile your home and bed?

We have a son. Of course she did not tell voluntarily - actually she was trying her best to hide it, deny it and then minimize it. I have got a hint from someone who wanted to open my eyes on what's going on, initially it didn't sink in, after a week of procrastination I started digging. What do you mean by defiling my home and bed - of course they did. Thanks to them the home I built does not feel like a home anymore and we are not sharing our family bed.

 

10 hours ago, pepperbird said:

Did you kind of expect this or was it out of the blue? Is there a way you can have some private space in your home to think all this through without her input?

It was out of the blue until I've got my eyes opened. Now when I think about it, it was everywhere, left, right and center, only a person like me who blindly trusts his wife ( aka fool) could be so oblivious. Constant talks about him after work (we used to share how did our day at work go with each other but that was excessive) - what he said, and how she replied, and how she hates him and how she had to send an angry email to him, blah blah blah, she was even quoting some of her work email to me. So it looked like they were hating each other while the reality was somewhat different.

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by VOver

[Buffer]

Ok, more information here thanks.
Please seek out legal, medical advice as well IC. At the moment MC would be a waist of money as she isn’t being truthful. She will trickle truth you to save face or so not to hurt your feelings. Too late for hurt feelings as this is a result from WW deliberate actions. She will clam this was a ‘mistake, you never treated me or did things...’
Take none of that. it is all on her she chose this, the hurt is a bi product of her betrayal .

Has it gone underground?
Most likely,  listen and trust your gut. If it feels off then it is trust your subconscious. It is there to warn you.
Tell number 1 son there are issues but no more. He doesn’t need to know the gory details. Get WW to write out a time line of the A listing contacts, who new and supported the work place A. Get WW to show you all emails, texts sexting as well  Let her know any nude photos will most likely be on a porn sight so again get her to show them to you. There is more to this. 

Also get her to provide how she thought it was ok to betray her son and family. 
Up to you to inform HR. This may lead to her and his termination. That may affect spousal support. Inform The other mans wife she has a right to know what has being going on. That she also has been put at risk for STDs. You don’t need your wife’s permission for this. 
The physical sex might have been going on for a few months but the emotional affair  has been going on to six months or more. 

To save your marriage you have to be prepared to loose it. Hard 180 now. Don’t engage her other than your child. Start walking, eating right and no booze. You got to keep your head straight. There will be periods where you can’t stand to be in the room, other times you will need her there. Carful about asking about the hookups and sex. Once heard it cannot be unheard. If they banged in your bed, get her to take it out side with the sexy undies and his gifts and watch as you burn it! Same for any other furniture. Her word will mean nothing she needs to be able to justify everything she says. Until she can prove it assume the worst. She will say the sex was bad, his penis is small, terrible kisser etc. However:she went back for seconds. I am not trying to flan the flames of sorrow. 
One day at a time

Buffer

[Buffer]

10 minutes ago, Buffer said:

Ok, more information here thanks.
Please seek out legal, medical advice as well IC. At the moment MC would be a waist of money as she isn’t being truthful. She will trickle truth you to save face or so not to hurt your feelings. Too late for hurt feelings as this is a result from WW deliberate actions. She will clam this was a ‘mistake, you never treated me or did things...’
Take none of that. it is all on her she chose this, the hurt is a bi product of her betrayal .

Has it gone underground?
Most likely,  listen and trust your gut. If it feels off then it is trust your subconscious. It is there to warn you.
Tell number 1 son there are issues but no more. He doesn’t need to know the gory details. Get WW to write out a time line of the A listing contacts, who new and supported the work place A. Get WW to show you all emails, texts sexting as well  Let her know any nude photos will most likely be on a porn sight so again get her to show them to you. There is more to this. 

Also get her to provide how she thought it was ok to betray her son and family. 
Up to you to inform HR. This may lead to her and his termination. That may affect spousal support. Inform The other mans wife she has a right to know what has being going on. That she also has been put at risk for STDs. You don’t need your wife’s permission for this. 
The physical sex might have been going on for a few months but the emotional affair  has been going on to six months or more. 

To save your marriage you have to be prepared to loose it. Hard 180 now. Don’t engage her other than your child. Start walking, eating right and no booze. You got to keep your head straight. There will be periods where you can’t stand to be in the room, other times you will need her there. Carful about asking about the hookups and sex. Once heard it cannot be unheard. If they banged in your bed, get her to take it out side with the sexy undies and his gifts and watch as you burn it! Same for any other furniture. Her word will mean nothing she needs to be able to justify everything she says. Until she can prove it assume the worst. She will say the sex was bad, his penis is small, terrible kisser etc. However:she went back for seconds. I am not trying to fan the flames of sorrow. 
One day at a time

Buffer

 

[mark clemson]

31 minutes ago, Buffer said:

Also get her to provide how she thought it was ok to betray her son and family. 

Up to you to inform HR. This may lead to her and his termination. That may affect spousal support. Inform The other mans wife she has a right to know what has being going on. That she also has been put at risk for STDs. You don’t need your wife’s permission for this. 

My suggestion would be to think twice and strongly consider talking to a lawyer before telling the OBW.

1) There's a chance his kids, if any, will be growing up in a broken home. Maybe this doesn't bother you (and after all there's a chance your's will now too due to him) but it would bother some folks. One day you may think back and regret that. Maybe not (and that is a risk he took), but something to think about.

2) She may decide to tell HR at work, potentially with results as described above. If your wife loses her job and you live in a no-fault divorce state or similar, YOU get to pay more spousal support.

3) If you live in an "alienation of affection state", they allow lawsuits against affair partners. This means his wife could, in theory, sue your wife (the AP). If you decide to stay married this might impact your finances and also mean a 2nd sh*tstorm to deal with.

4) He may retaliate in some way. There is a very small risk of physical violence. Probably a lot smaller than lurid news stories would have you believe. However, there is a risk. If the guy is losing his wife and job and decides to show up at your car window with a shotgun, the fact that this only happens in 1/100,000 affairs (or whatever the number is) is moot.

Suggest you be sure you understand what you're getting into and that it's what you really want to do before doing this.

[Bryanp]

I am very sorry what you have been given to deal with. When a cheating wife takes her OM into your home and bed this is a highly symbolic act that shows other distain and totally disrespect and humiliation toward the spouse. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be so accepting as you have been? Since she showed such contempt and disrespect for you, you may want to remember that if you do not respect yourself then who will? You need to get tested for STD's as well. If he is married or has a girlfriend, you should contact her as well. Good luck.

[VOver]

46 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

When a cheating wife takes her OM into your home and bed this is a highly symbolic act that shows other distain and totally disrespect and humiliation toward the spouse.

I see, I misunderstood what "defiling of my house/bed" means and perhaps wasn't clear on this. They have not done it in our home (almost sure of that due to the current state of things here) and I have no evidence of him ever been invited. What I was trying to say that even if the previous statement is accurate, it is all "defiled" anyway. So who cares.

While my initial intent of posting here was purely for the purpose of letting it out, there are some things mentioned here that I need to process and at least consider I think. Like what is going to happen when/if their HR finds out and based on what I know the will sooner or later - and not from me.

[Marc878]

19 hours ago, VOver said:

So now I'm supposed to do the hard work and do something about it, right?

Nope, you have to have the basics to reconcile. 
Which are:

Remorseful spouse

the full truth (if they have contact it’s usually a sexual affair, all cheaters lie a lot)

zero contact with the lover (affairs are addictive, you get the addict around the source you get relapse)

wayward spouse must pull the heavy load to repair the marriage

Full transparency 

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. It may dissipate but never fully go away. It can take 2-5 years with no guarantees if both are working hard. You can’t do it alone.

[Marc878]

4 hours ago, VOver said:

Thanks everyone for responses and wishes.

The OM (the other man I assume) is her coworker. They started working together about a year ago, however their relationship - whatever you call it now - has escalated in last 2-3months with actual affair beginning in March. She denies PA (physical affair?) however the proof I have is undeniable, think she's just trying to save face. I do not think they are seeing each other in person at the moment - I'm working from home because of the virus, my wife has an "essential" job (so has OM), so she was attending office until I found out. Since then she also staying home. I cannot be sure if she is still in contact electronically - out of all communication channels I of course don't have control over her work email.

Cheaters lie a lot. She’s already a proven liar.

We have a son. Of course she did not tell voluntarily - actually she was trying her best to hide it, deny it and then minimize it. I have got a hint from someone who wanted to open my eyes on what's going on, initially it didn't sink in, after a week of procrastination I started digging. What do you mean by defiling my home and bed - of course they did. Thanks to them the home I built does not feel like a home anymore and we are not sharing our family bed.

Sounds like some at her work knows. 

It was out of the blue until I've got my eyes opened. Now when I think about it, it was everywhere, left, right and center, only a person like me who blindly trusts his wife ( aka fool) could be so oblivious. Constant talks about him after work (we used to share how did our day at work go with each other but that was excessive) - what he said, and how she replied, and how she hates him and how she had to send an angry email to him, blah blah blah, she was even quoting some of her work email to me. So it looked like they were hating each other while the reality was somewhat different.

She was covering herself here. Bud, most look back in hind sight and see it. You aren’t alone here.

Upfront most just want them back without giving a thought about what they’re getting back. Do not offer R until you think this through. Stay out of marriage counciling. Your marriage isn’t broken she is. Most MC’s are rugsweepers and can cause more damage than help if you get a bad one. From what I’ve seen you have less than a 50% chance of getting a decent one.

You don’t know where this guys been and it’s probably a sexual affair. STD testing ASAP.

Right now you don’t know if it’s still going on but once they start they’re hard to break. Nothing can be worked on unless it’s over which means they can’t work together. Period. Unless you decide to just divorce. Then it doesn’t matter.

The best way to try and stop an affair is exposure, without warning. To your wife or anyone.

the longer you put off making decisions the longer you keep yourself in limbo. Not a place you want to be.

goid luck, you’ll need it

[Marc878]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

My suggestion would be to think twice and strongly consider talking to a lawyer before telling the OBW.

1) There's a chance his kids, if any, will be growing up in a broken home. Maybe this doesn't bother you (and after all there's a chance your's will now too due to him) but it would bother some folks. One day you may think back and regret that. Maybe not (and that is a risk he took), but something to think about.
 

Staying  for the kids is a life of limbo. I wouldn’t recommend it. The life of a martyr is real hard

2) She may decide to tell HR at work, potentially with results as described above. If your wife loses her job and you live in a no-fault divorce state or similar, YOU get to pay more spousal support.
 

Not necessarily. Getting fired for cause if you have a good attorney can be exempted

3) If you live in an "alienation of affection state", they allow lawsuits against affair partners. This means his wife could, in theory, sue your wife (the AP). If you decide to stay married this might impact your finances and also mean a 2nd sh*tstorm to deal with.

And he could sue them in return

Quote

4) He may retaliate in some way. There is a very small risk of physical violence. Probably a lot smaller than lurid news stories would have you believe. However, there is a risk. If the guy is losing his wife and job and decides to show up at your car window with a shotgun, the fact that this only happens in 1/100,000 affairs (or whatever the number is) is moot.

Suggest you be sure you understand what you're getting into and that it's what you really want to do before doing this.

The worst thing you can do in these situations is let fear guide you. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do. You are the only one that can keep yourself in limbo. Sure put some thought into it and make a decision.

Edited April 29, 2020 by Marc878

[JS84]

If it's only been a week you're probably still somewhat in shock. Might not be this week, or even next month, but trust me that anger is going to hit you.

I'm weary of typing advice for people who rarely bother taking it so I'll keep it simple. The best thing you can do to save your marriage is to expose her affair (with actual evidence, don't just verbally accuse her with nothing to back it up), file for divorce and have her served or bring her the papers (doesn't mean you'll be divorced immediately but it might help snap her out of her idiocy once she realizes what she stands to lose), and do the 180. The 180

If you expose, have her served, do the 180, and keep contact with her to a minimum (divorce, lawyers, finances, chores, child, etc) your chances of saving your marriage go up. And I wouldn't engage her in anything else unless she starts showing some remorse for what she's done. The sooner you do this closer to D-Day the more of an effect it will likely have.

Just don't sit around doing nothing for too long while your wife is out f***ing another guy. The longer you let that go on while you do nothing, the harder it will be to snap her out of it and the harder it will be for you down the road as well no matter what you do.

Edited April 29, 2020 by JS84

[Buffer]

May I ask how HR, will find out. Has WW or her AP stated they are going to inform?

buffer

[Just a Guy]

Hi VOver, having read what you have had to say. I would like to ask you a few questions to put things in perspective. Firstly, how old are both of you? Secondly, what was the state of your marriage? Were you two comfortable in the marriage, taking each other for granted or did you still have a dynamic relationship? Were you mindful of your wife's emotional needs and vice versa or did both of you assume those needs were being met? Did you have frequent disagreements and were these verbally or emotionally abusive? Also, have you had a sit down calm discussion with your wife about her affair and why she needed to have one or, what drove her to have one? If there was a discussion did she try and shift the blame on you?

I'm sorry if any of these questions seem intrusive but that is not my intent and you are free yo ignore any or all of them if you so wish. It is just that folks would get a better perspective of your situation and be able to give you appropriate advice to help you in this difficult time. One other question if you don't mind! Is infidelity, especially if it involves a PA, a deal breaker for you? If so, is a divorce on the cards? In answering these questions, you would possibly be able to examine various aspects of your relationship, it's strengths and weaknesses and your perception of your wife's affair. It may also help you toward deciding whether you would want to save your marriage or not. Do not fall into the various traps that prove in your situation succumb to. Remember, your worth is more than anything else to you. Do not let others devalue that worth in your eyes. Warm wishes.

[pepperbird]

op,

I'm just going to say it- being a BS sucks. It's a club no one wants to belong to, yet here we are anyway.
One of the toughest parts of it, at least to me, was trying to figure out if there was even any point in trying to reconcile. I needed to figure out if I could ever forgive him and move forward. That took a lot of time and reflection.

[VOver]

3 hours ago, Buffer said:

May I ask how HR, will find out. Has WW or her AP stated they are going to inform?

buffer

The person who contacted me in attempt to open my eyes works in the same office. Apparently their behaviour was noticeable, so I think its a matter of time before management gets involved.

[mark clemson]

6 hours ago, Buffer said:

May I ask how HR, will find out. Has WW or her AP stated they are going to inform?

I think that was for me? I'm just talking about possible outcomes that he should think about, not something known.

I do think @Marc878 counterpoints are completely valid ones.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, VOver said:

 Apparently their behaviour was noticeable, so I think its a matter of time before management gets involved.

That would be a good reason to put a stop to it, along with all the other very good reasons. You must make your own decisions, but if it was me I would be contacting a lawyer ASAP to learn the "lay of the land" legally and then work from there. Divorce might be a choice thrust on you, as sometimes it's the WS that initiates.

These situations are very unpredictable in some ways as sometimes a WS will be desperate to get their BS back upon discovery whereas at other times they're "done" with the marriage no matter what happens with the AP. I don't have a guess in that area for your specific case, but perhaps someone else around here will see something I'm not.

Edited April 29, 2020 by mark clemson

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, VOver said:

The person who contacted me in attempt to open my eyes works in the same office. Apparently their behaviour was noticeable, so I think its a matter of time before management gets involved.

Don’t count on it. You need to act. Waiting around for someone else to fix this problem gets you what? Nothing.

you should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

[Marc878]

Right now you are living in known infidelity. Very unhealthy situation.

[preraph]

I don't know any more than what you posted and you don't know any more, I guess, than what the coworker reported.  But since she has been griping about this guy, is there any chance that he is sexually harassing her and she doesn't even like him and is just having trouble with him and that another coworker sees it and thinks it mutual?  What has your actual wife said about this?