do people genuinely just make a mistake....

[angel4eva]

Long story short...my H of 18 years had a thing with a OW from his work over a two week period, they slept together once, and he wanted to meet again but I caught them... he chose her at first and within a week he was back here after one thing and another... 

He said he wanted to be with me but for several months he was here but not going above and beyond to make things better for me, he was drinking, we were arguing a lot, he still worked with her..he said he was depressed and his head was a mess when it all happened with OW. I said it’s no excuse if you were but I tried to support him with his depression taking him to the doctors and helping counselling for him (which he turned up to twice then never went again) whilst I was struggling with how I now felt. I didn’t get the support I needed from him. He said he struggled to say the right words I needed to obviously hear. He started on his depression tablets and had them for a few months...he was drinking, void of emotion (didn’t help with my needs) we argued a lot. I began to resent him for what he had done to me. All he would say to me is you know I love you. My response “no I don’t!”
 

He stopped taking his tablets unbeknown to me after a few months and said he felt better...he’s stopped drinking now, he’s a changer person really (he knew I couldn’t take it anymore and the arguments it brought). He no longer works with her anymore. He is very apologetic and cries about what he’s done to me sometimes and says he was just a mess but it was always me he wanted (I’m confused by that)he just says his head was a mess and he made a mistake. He says he loves me and we can get through this...part of me wants to try again (we’ve 18 years history and two young children together) I want things to go back to how they used to be before all of this but I know that will never be!! 
 

my question is can you ever truly recover after an affair?....can you get the images out of your head of H and OW...can you trust again? Can you look at them normally again? 
 

 

[preraph]

No you can't get the images out of your head. It happened. the problem when you take someone back who cheats on you is that they sort of assume you'll do it again if they decide to cheat again. 

 

It sounds like he got pretty hung up on this woman for it to throw him into a depression. I'm guessing she didn't really reciprocate in kind even though she slept with him. I don't know what his position was in regard to her but there could have been some office politics going on there. 

 

To me one of the most troublesome things is that he was so self-absorbed that you had to end up supporting him and he wasn't supporting you, the wronged party. That is the part I would have the hardest time getting past. And I think you need to talk that out with him. I would be red-hot about that. He should have handled his own problems and not been leaning on you about it. I think he needs to hear exactly how pissed off you are about that. 

 

he's probably better now simply because he's not working with her and it's entirely possible that has depression was partly because of the humiliation at work and having to see her when she probably wasn't as invested as him. So that may amount to nothing more than him getting out of there so he doesn't have to feel humiliated every day and see her. 

 

I certainly can't tell you whether to stay with him or not. It's 18 years and two kids. But he did not handle this well and when he should have been working out his problems with you and aoning for his betrayal, instead he wallowed in his depression like a big baby and expected you to mother him through it. 

 

I think you're going to have to come clean how you feel with him and it would probably be best to do that with a counselor even though he doesn't want to. and if he just won't do that then you need to just let loose on him so he is clear where your head is at and the problems this caused you and the doubts that is caused you about his character and strength. 

 

Sorry you're going through this.

[Emilie Jolie]

Hi angel4eva

 

I have no personal experience of what you're dealing with, but I have 2 very close friends who have had that happen in their marriage (ongoing affairs), one 10 years ago and one 3 years ago, and they are still married (and, AFAIK, doing fine). So it is possible, on the face of it, to save your marriage.

 

The 2 things that'll help are time and solving whatever underlying issues you guys may have, him figuring out where his head is at, you figuring out if or how you can get past it. Talking to each other candidly without judgement should help, whatever the outcome. Good luck.

 

 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, angel4eva said:

within a week he was back here after one thing and another... 

Because he chose his OW, but she didn't choose him. 
Where else was he going to go?

5 hours ago, angel4eva said:

He said he wanted to be with me but for several months he was here but not going above and beyond to make things better for me, he was drinking, we were arguing a lot, he still worked with her..he said he was depressed and his head was a mess when it all happened with OW. I said it’s no excuse if you were but I tried to support him with his depression taking him to the doctors and helping counselling for him (which he turned up to twice then never went again) whilst I was struggling with how I now felt. I didn’t get the support I needed from him. He said he struggled to say the right words I needed to obviously hear. He started on his depression tablets and had them for a few months...he was drinking, void of emotion (didn’t help with my needs) we argued a lot. I began to resent him for what he had done to me. All he would say to me is you know I love you. My response “no I don’t!”

He was bereaved, he had lost his OW, the woman  he was prepared to leave his wife and his marriage over.

I know some will get over cheating, but this here was a bit of a big betrayal.

[mark clemson]

On 4/28/2020 at 1:52 AM, angel4eva said:

 He says he loves me and we can get through this...part of me wants to try again (we’ve 18 years history and two young children together) I want things to go back to how they used to be before all of this but I know that will never be!!

my question is can you ever truly recover after an affair?....can you get the images out of your head of H and OW...can you trust again? Can you look at them normally again?

From what I read around here some can get past it and some cannot. Almost unanimously they will tell you that it definitely can't be what it was and also not to rugsweep the feelings and issues it brings up. Some will say what sometimes happens is a transformation to a "new marriage" that's qualitatively different from the old one, so perhaps that is something to hope for.

He needs to do much of the work of reconciliation, so that you can begin to feel somewhat emotionally safe again. He should probably research books on how to help a betrayed spouse heal and begin to implement any/all of those measures that apply in your case. On your side, (if you want to reconcile) you need to give him a chance to do that work. Hold it against him by all means, but not forever. He needs to make you feel at least reasonably secure and happy again; you need to do this as well, but on a different timeline - the onus is on him until you are ok.

It takes longer than one would like (particularly the WS) and there are no guarantees. Sometimes people "try" for years but eventually find it just won't work.

My suggestion would be to point him in the direction of online resources, tell him to do what he can to make you happy/secure again (if you both haven't been doing those things already), and give it some time to work. If nothings going to work, you'll probably eventually figure that out.

You could try MC, but be aware that from what I read here some will try to downplay the affair, so if it's one of those leave and find one who will do justice to your hurt and the betrayal that was done without beating him over the head with it too badly. You want results, but probably not a lifetime of "yes, dear" from the guilt-ridden shell of your former husband either. So, balance IMO.