Distanced myself from a toxic best friend a while ago - still extremely miss her

[Manu2020]

Hey guys,

I am really sad right now and I was wondering if someone could give me some advice.

Years ago I (m, 29) I casually met with an old friend (w, 28) from university for dinner and we clicked so much that she quickly became one of my best friends. We were both single at that time and it was surreal, we met for nearly every day for months and had a wonderful time and were always joking why we werent that close at university since it was like meeting a soulmate. Then I started to have feelings for her, which was when she friendzoned me. My friends told me to not make her the center of my life and have a healthier distance, since it will only end in heart-break, but I didnt care and continued to meet with her every day and talk for hours on the phone. It felt like I met my soul-mate, she was perfect in my eyes and I always said to myself, even if I will not be in a relationship with her, I dont want to lose this person and enjoy the time we have as singles since its going to change once we are in different relationships. She also low-key treated me like a boyfriend (wanting to talk to me on the phone until we fall asleep, planning vacations together, telling me that she misses after one day of not seeing each other etc), just without the sexual encounters.

But after I "confessed" my love to her and she friendzoned me, it was obviously not the same as before. We were still very good friends and shared a lot of time together, but as time went on, she started to change and behave differently. It felt like she was giving me just enough attention to keep me invested in the friendship for times when she needed me, but never more than that. Initially, I didnt realize that since she was still one of my closest friends, but as the vibe changed, we got more and more into arguments. She often said or did hurtful things that she would have never accepted if I did the same, I felt like she  took for granted that I barely confront people when they do something that hurt me or that she knew that she was more important to me then I was to her and used that as a leverage to treat me bad. But regardless of the lows, there were also some highs in our friendship and she was, despite all the issues, extremely important to me.

Last year, she had a lot of issues with a guy she met during summer and nearly called me everyday for weeks to talk about her relationship issues. At that time, we werent that close as friends as before anymore, but still very close. Once again, I comforted her, talked to her for hours on the phone and helped her fix her relationship during the whole summer. During the fall, I had alot of trouble  with a possible lay-off at work and just in general my health. I tried to reach out to her several times because I really needed a good friend to talk to but she barely wrote back or answered days later and said she was busy. I felt devastated that someone I was always there for in bad times, was not there for me.  She didnt seem that busy since she was posting nonstop on social media about how great life is right now, how she is having great times, so it felt like she just didnt want to be there for me or "ruin" her great time by listening to a sad friend. 

Even when there were signs before that this was an one-sided friendship and she was using me, I never cut her off. But after that, I did. I stopped writing her, I stopped asking her about her life, her issues, her relationship, I just didnt reach out anymore. She initiated contact twice and asked me how I was doing, but her initial responses to my issues were always super short and then she started to talk about herself again. It felt like she just wanted to ask pro forma how I was doing so she could get that out of the way and then vent for hours like always again. I just couldnt stand her behavior anymore and I started to feel something I have never felt before in a friendship - true anxiety. I just hoped that she would not contact me anymore and after that she also stopped writing me. Was it because she was mad she had to initiate contact and didnt want to run after me? Or that I had issues and she didnt want to deal with them? Or because she fixed her issues with her boyfriend and didnt need me anymore? I dont know, probably a bit of all. But we stopped  talking and as time went on, days became weeks and weeks became months. So as hard as it was, I broke off the contact. She didnt even make the impression as if it bothered her and after two months of not speaking, she deleted me on her social contacts and a couple months later, also deleted my number. Since she gradually deleted me on her social contacts, it felt like she waited for me to reach out, but I didnt. 

Now I feel like this person was bad for me. I feel like she used me for being her comfort buddy / replacement boyfriend / therapist and behaved like an emotional vampire. There was no real balance in the friendship, she invested very little in the friendship and I gave much more than I should have and I always felt drained. Instead of setting clear boundaries, I promoted her abusive behavior by not drawing lines when she hurt me and giving her the impression that it doesnt matter how she treats me, there wont be repercussions. All of my other friends constantly told me to stay away from her since they felt I was becoming more depressed and bitter, yet I didnt because I believed that she is a good person and once her "issues" are gone, she will be appreciate our friendship and treat me better. But the problem is, that her issues were never gone, they just changed and it felt like a never-ending circle. Once one issue was solved, she forgot me again and left me in the rain wondering what I did wrong as a friend just to come back when she needed me.

Now the reason why I am writing you is that despite everything, I incredibly miss her. It´s been about half a year since I distanced myself and in the beginning, I felt great, I felt relieved. I felt so much inner peace and thought I was finally over that friendship, but some time ago, I was scrolling through old pictures and there was one with her and it hit me like a brick. Out of the blue, I started to cry like a baby and couldnt think of anything else but her and suddenly I realized that I wasn't really over our friendship, I pretended to be. Its super hard to forget her even though I am pretty sure, that she definitely doesn't care at all about me and moved on. In the past months, I tried to avoid places that I went to with her, I threw away things that reminded me of her, I forced myself not to see what she is doing on any social platform, but its still really hard. We never had a real closure, there was no last talk, no last argument, we just stopped writing each other. I wondered if "that last talk" would have helped fixing the friendship or at least getting over it, because now it just seems like there were untold things and this uncertainty to not know what would have happened if we talked it out instead.

Honestly, its hard to believe that we could even be real friends again, especially after she got engaged at the beginning of the year and probably has other things on her mind then an emotional ex-comfort buddy, she never really cared about. But sometimes I catch myself wondering if I should text her. If there is a way to fix things, if we could be friends again. If I made a mistake or how things could have went if I approached them differently. I think of the good and the bad times and feel like there is a big hole  in my heart because someone that was important to me, is not there anymore. It hurts so incredibly much to know that I cry myself asleep to someone who doesnt care about me, and it feels so unfair - my mind tells me I did the right thing, but my heart shows me how much I am still hurt. Its not my first breakup with a friend, but it never hit me remotely that hard. Maybe it was because she wasnt just my best friend, she felt like a soul-mate to me and on top of that, I have never been so close with a female on a platonic basis before, which probably makes it a bit harder in comparison to a same-gender friendship. Most of the time, I feel okay but since the lock-down has happened, its getting harder and harder to distract myself and all the things I tried to suppress are appearing again and I probably cried three times during the last week, sitting in my home office, going through all the thoughts and memories again and again. 

My friends are relieved that I broke off contact and think I am doing great, so I dont want to confront them with my situation. I thought that after half a year I should have been over it, but it makes me really depressed to realize I am not. I was probably not really processing this "break-up" since we had no closure and back in my mind, I probably didnt "realize" that this was it and all the emotions came up gradually over the last months, which makes it harder for me to know whether I am at a stage of healing and this is normal or whether I need to get over it somehow. Do you have a good advice in how to cope with such a situation?

[Manu2020]

To be honest, today I am still feeling very sad. I was considering writing her a long letter today and reflect about everything and maybe find closure by doing so, but I am not sure if this is appropriate or if it would make things worse...

[ShyViolet]

It's ok that you are still not over it.  6 months is really not that long.  So you're not over it.... allow yourself to feel your feelings.  The only way out of this is through it.  You will get over it, it just takes time.

For the love of god, don't text her.  Opening up the communication with her again will only suck you back in to the same cycle, the same old games.  Don't go backwards.  She showed you time and time again that she didn't really value her friendship with you, it was very one-sided.  

You talk a lot about "closure".  There is no such thing as closure.  There would not have been one last conversation, one last magical event that would have made you feel any better about things, that would have tied it up into a neat little package.  That's not how it works.  Ending relationships is messy no matter what.  You will not find that elusive "closure" that you want.  You just have to let yourself process these feelings, and move forward.

Try meeting someone new.  Consider putting yourself out there in the dating scene.  Well, it might be hard to do that right now with COVID.  But at least maybe meet people online?  That might help to take your mind off of this and give you something new to occupy yourself.

[Manu2020]

Hi ShyViolet,

thank you so much for your response, that helps me a lot to put everything into perspective!

I presume everyone deals with rejection differently, unfortunately I am pretty emotional and I dont make friends fast, but once I have, its incredibly hard to let go and it takes much longer for me to get over something, but I really hope that one day I will wake up and feel like my life is progressing again. The last years were so stressful and so draining, that I feel like I have to start from scratch to find true happiness again. And you are right, I think I just have to meet someone new. I just didnt have the energy in the past months to go over all the steps of getting to know a woman again and starting a new relationship, but I really hope that once the current healthcare crisis is over, I will be able to get my life back on track step by step. I do think that not meeting with friends, not being able to spend time with colleagues and just distract myself also takes a toll on me and makes me feel empty and lonely.

I have to admit that I really wanted to write her, but after I read your response, I didnt. You are right. Maybe I was just forgetting all the negativity that lead to the break-up and was trying to paint a picture that was never there or long forgotten. I cant force people to change for me and I need to let go of people that dont contribute anything positive to my life. Of course its easier said than done, but for the sake of my own happiness, I need to get over it and not try to get sucked back in old behaviors that lead to the end of the friendship.

But I think what really made me think about your response was that part about closure. Somehow I thought that there might be closure, but deep inside I probably dont even want closure, but the friendship back. But I feel like there is no concept of a friendship that I am craving for and no "happy end" and that maybe you are right and there will never be a closure that will help me to get through it. It just sucks to lose such a close-friend and it really sucks to know that they dont care about me anymore. I sincerely hope that it will get better with every moment that passes and that maybe in some weeks or months I can look back and have the confidence back that the friendship took away from me.

Edited April 29, 2020 by Manu2020