Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 26 minutes ago, kendahke said: There is something he's getting out of not buying this gift for you. Maybe he's just not cut out to be a thoughtful kind of guy. Is he thoughtful in other areas? If not, it stands to reason that that would not carry over into the gift giving aspect of the relationship. Because it would never dawn on him that you'd break up over something he considers to be petty. It's not petty to you--it's a pretty strong indicator for you of how he feels about you (and it's a love language), but he doesn't value gifts in the same way as you... or.. he balks at being told what to spend his money on. If this is a bottom line issue for you, you did right for yourself by cutting him loose. Thank you. Everything you’ve said makes a lot of sense. I think it’s a power struggle too. Maybe he doesn’t want me to misinterpret a nice bday gift as a sign he wants to get engaged/move in etc, when we’ve mutually to keep things casual (but exclusive). This is the only thing I can think of. But the thing is I can’t bring myself to sleep with a guy who won’t spend the $15. It’s a huge turn off. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 59 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Some guys just don't get romance - they give cash or pots and pans. and then sleep on the sofa for two months Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 As has been mentioned, it sounds like neither of you were that into the relationship. His lack of effort on your gift and your dumping him because of it doesn't indicate much interest or commitment on either side. Maybe it was just a nice convenient relationship for you both that ran its course. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Has this been an issue prior to now, then? We’ve only been dating since early Feb. He bought me one nice gift quite early on. I bought him a nice one back (not intentionally, but I saw it randomly and knew he’d love it so I bought it). We get along really well and I really like him. But he made me feel so worthless by refusing to spend the $15 that I just can’t sleep with him anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 2 hours ago, NomiMalone said: Terrible as in an impersonal item under $10, coupled with another item he got for free? (Like, a free vinyl sportsbag from his brother’s law firm, with the firm’s logo on it, placed in a gift bag.) Even when you’ve bought him non-cheap gifts you’ve put a lot of thought into? Even when you, to make it simple af for him, specified that there was a particular $15 item from the mall you’d like as a belated bday gift? (And he still refused to buy it, and yes, you’d bought him a nice gift for his bday that was 2 weeks before yours.) I’ve already dumped him. Just curious as to what everyone else’s opinions are. Being cheap is not an attractive quality IMO. I genuinely enjoy giving gifts and yes tend to gravitate to more expensive ones but I DO BELIEVE the thought matters. For example, you pay attention to things SHE likes (particular pieces of jewelry, clothing, hand bags, etc) and you put a little THOUGHT into her gift as opposed to running out and buying something in a hurry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
K.K. Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 4 minutes ago, NomiMalone said: But he made me feel so worthless by refusing to spend the $15 that I just can’t sleep with him anymore Sometimes that’s all it takes. One little niggling thought or slight. And poof it all goes up in flames. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, NomiMalone said: That wasn’t the case. He’s actually upset I broke it off, but refuses to believe/accept it was because of the lack of bday gift. He thinks I’m lying about why. I’m just not turned on by a guy who won’t even spend $15 for my bday. He’s still in contact most days asking if I’d meet up, but I won’t do it without the $15 gift. It’s ludicrous. It sounds like your love language is "gift giving" and that's OK! And as such, you associate gifts and the types of gifts with how much your bf values you and loves you, which is also OK. No, I would not have dumped him, I would have suggested we read the "love languages" book together and learn about what we both need in order to feel loved. I would guess his LL is "not" gift giving so he's somewhat clueless, and doubtful that you would dump him because of it. Communication is key here, it's not too late if you want to try again, but you need to be able to talk with him openly and honestly, and not simply react by dumping him. Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 9 minutes ago, poppyfields said: It sounds like your love language is "gift giving" and that's OK! And as such, you associate gifts and the types of gifts with how much your bf values you and loves you, which is also OK. No, I would not have dumped him, I would have suggested we read the "love languages" book together and learn about what we both need in order to feel loved. I would guess his LL is "not" gift giving so he's somewhat clueless, and doubtful that you would dump him because of it. Communication is key here, it's not too late if you want to try again, but you need to be able to talk with him openly and honestly, and not simply react by dumping him. You have way more patience than me! 😄 I’ve already told him, twice. He refused to acknowledge why I was hurt, but still blew up my phone with texts asking to meet, as if nothing had happened. So I dumped him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, NomiMalone said: You have way more patience than me! 😄 I’ve already told him, twice. He refused to acknowledge why I was hurt, but still blew up my phone with texts asking to meet, as if nothing had happened. So I dumped him. Well my LL is not giving giving, perhaps that is why I'd be more tolerant of it. In truth I don't give a rat's rear end about gifts, I care more about the quality of our time together (quality time), and showing me through actions how much he cares (acts of service). I've had men attempt to pull me with gifts, it's actually a turn off for me. I don't need to be bought, show me through action how much you care. Give me your time, your attention, that's what matters more to me. That said, if you feel this is a dealbreaker for you, then that's your right - next. Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Pleasant-Sage said: The free sports bag thing...🤦🏻♂️ He actually said, “oooh wait till you see what I got for you!” and then told me who else he gave these sports bags out to! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Nah he's a cheap a$$ and isn't all that into you. If he doesn't want to give the wrong impression, then why bother with having a relationship? Early days, it IS about first impressions. I'm with Fletch, gift giving is part of the romance, and a show of what you mean to them. It doesn't have to cost$$$, but just the time and thought put into it is meaningful. OP you were right to be kickin his butt to the curb. He was a waste of your time. Being a nice guy is only a fraction of what is needed for a relationship to be sustainable. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Whose idea was it to keep things casual? I'm starting to wonder if not making any effort for your birthday was a passive-aggressive attempt to reinforce that point. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 1 hour ago, kendahke said: did the cheap streak spill over into other areas of your relationship? This is a power struggle. 100% agree that it's a power struggle. No one wins in those. To be fair, yes I probably would have broken up with him if I saw that he basically regifted and put no thought into a gift for me. It's symptomatic of the type of relationship I wouldn't want to be a part of and person that is not it for me--not only because of the money, which begs the question of why would you want to be with someone who is like this? I don't agree that it's the cost of the item as a symbol of "your worth" and it's obvious that each of you see this measure of how one fits into your life and how that is expressed widely differently. So that looks like to me that you won't be a good couple for the long run either. To be 100% fair, if I was in his shoes and someone was demanding the "gift" of their choosing in order to restart the relationship, continue the relationship etc, I would be digging my heels in just like he is. Demanding what a gift is is the "antithesis" a the meaning of gift and certainly not in the spirit. If you end up getting it from him and getting back together, I'm sure you will start to feel the effect that it will be meaningless. It's a temporary way for you to get you way because of how you "measure" how he exhibits his care. What you really need to do is decide if how he shows it as an expression of who HE is is good enough for you. I think you are seriously mismatched. You are both the problem TBH. Good luck 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: You broke up over a $15 trinket. In the end you have to think about what you can buy yourself & what things you get from an SO (companionship?) that you can't do for yourself. 100% Agree!! No, I wouldn't dump someone over "poor" gift giving, seems petty/trivial. If I want something, I'll buy it for myself. As far as buying for the women, I've dated/dating, I learned a long time ago, that if you can't figure out what to get them, you can't go wrong with her birthstone (except for an April birthday - diamond). Pretty much any piece of jewelry will do, the cost is minimal, especially with on-line auctions. I've also found that "Native American" jewelry (if not too large or gaudy) seems to go over well for gift giving. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Whose idea was it to keep things casual? I'm starting to wonder if not making any effort for your birthday was a passive-aggressive attempt to reinforce that point. Me. But its what we both want. He’s 20 years older than me. Very different stages in life (one of his sons is married and about to have a baby.) It’s just dating, nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, NomiMalone said: Me. But its what we both want. He’s 20 years older than me. Very different stages in life (one of his sons is married and about to have a baby.) It’s just dating, nothing more. It sounds like you and he have very different ideas about what casual means. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Oh gawd. The more you write, the more I feel you've made the right call, NomiMalone. 3 minutes ago, NomiMalone said: Me. But its what we both want. He’s 20 years older than me. Very different stages in life (one of his sons is married and about to have a baby.) It’s just dating, nothing more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 I'm not sure I would expect any gift at all from someone I'm just casually dating. But that's me. Maybe he kind of sees it the same way. He enjoyed buying you something nice when he wanted to, but didn't expect it to be a blueprint for going forward. At least not unless/until you were more than casual. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 If a gift is going to be cheap, it should at least be personal. Even when I think of exchange rates and realise that $15 is roughly AU$20-25... it's still a fairly cheap gift (if it's for an occasion). If you're expecting gifts only on the basis that you're dating, it's a very different story. To consider your point from another angle, you've got some expectations as to what gifts you want to receive. Your guy has to learn that in some way. If he's a cheap skate but finds a way to make the gifts relevant, then sure, I'd give him some credit. But if he's trying to cover bases at a minimum cost by providing something irrelevant to you and/or something he got for free just because his brother happens to work somewhere with such merchandise, then it shows his unwillingness to understand what someone may want in a relationship. So to answer your question directly, it depends on the circumstances. If he's putting in an effort and he's poor, then cut him some slack. If it's lacking understanding of what you want, then he's more driven to save money than to provide someone with a meaningful gift. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 28, 2020 Author Share Posted April 28, 2020 Thanks so much all of you. I really appreciate all the replies and perspectives. I have to go now but I’ll come back later. Have a great day everyone 💗 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Also might depend how long you've been dating. Under 3 months, any gift is generous. But yes, I don't like people who can't be bothered to be thoughtful because they are literally too lazy. It's usually not even about money, just laziness. You don't need that in your life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, preraph said: ...I don't like people who can't be bothered to be thoughtful because they are literally too lazy. It's usually not even about money, just laziness. Many years ago, I was dating this woman that was starting a new job. So for her birthday, we went to this clothing store and she picked out a couple of "Summer" dresses (she needed some new dresses for this particular job) for her new job and I paid for them. I thought it was the perfect gift for that particular occasion, but later she told me I was being lazy and put in no effort for her birthday. Lesson learned... Always buy and wrap something to give (ahead of time), it doesn't hurt to buy a cake/ice cream, as well. Edited April 28, 2020 by Happy Lemming 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Happy Lemming, I think you are (however subconsciously) drawn to women who expect a lot from you 😉 Either that or I am the most low maintenance woman to ever exist! Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 (edited) Some of these posts and characterizations of OP's bf are unfair imo. My dad grew up poor, they barely had money to eat, let alone buy gifts. But they showed their love in many other ways, and that is how my dad raised me and taught me to believe. Of course, my childhood was different from his, and we followed the traditions such as gift-giving on Christmas and birthdays, etc. But my dad never placed much value on gifts but was generous in many many other ways!! I believe that is why I myself don't place much value on gifts. Write me a beautiful card, or a poem, or song, those things have meaning to me. OP's bf could be the same, doesn't mean he's cheap, or lazy, or thoughtless, he's just different, values different things from the OP. They're a mismatch, yes, but that does not mean he's any of the things he's being accused of on this thread. My dad certainly wasn't! He was a very loving, giving man, a humanitarian, may he RIP. Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 28, 2020 Share Posted April 28, 2020 Happy, some women would be okay with that. It seems like a lot of men like to take the easy way out on gifts and not be bothered, but certainly if they're willing to take you shopping, that would be just fine with some women and not others. I really liked that, personally. Only had one bf who did it, and he was gay, so....but we went to this specialty place that had cooking and unusual dish sets and he let me get what I wanted, and I still have them and use them. Most of my gifts were small from men, because none of us had a lot of money at the time and our bond was music, so it was usually music. And never wrapped, I might add. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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