Would you dump a guy over terrible gifts?

[poppyfields]

Maybe it's me but when you have to tell your bf what to buy you, kind of defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it?

It's like asking your bf to spend more time with you, he may but only because you asked, not because he wanted to, from his heart.

After 4 weeks, emailing me a sentimental song would be lovely, gifts that early on can be awkward imo.

OP, did he at least acknowledge your  birthday?  A nice dinner?

I'm so different, after only a month dating, I've been known to not even mention my birthday. 

Saves him the pressure and often awkwardness of having to buy me something, it's honestly not that big a deal to me, that early in, or ever really. 

I don't place much value on gifts, but again to each their own.

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by poppyfields

[Miss Spider]

Not specifically for that...but I find it really unlikely I would gel in other areas with a person who would do that...

Edited April 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Versacehottie]

yeah not sure I'm understanding the full context of the "dating".  Not that it excuses him fully but if i've understood correctly, imagining part of the problem is:

*you two haven't been dating that long at all. It's a grey area where people don't necessarily feel like they need to give a gift and if he's stingy he might be exploiting it as well. But also perhaps your expectations are out of line.  Dating since February, continuing to see each other once lockdowns started or not?  Otherwise you're only a month and a half effectively in, with the whole thing stalled out, so keep it in perspective.

*You said you both agreed that it's casual and not (never? it sounded like perhaps never) going anywhere. Welp, this is what a casual gift would look like, if any.

*20 years older and you threw that bit of info in there why?  Idk, but it gives me gold digger vibes, the statement alone.  I mean if there is any expectation of getting something materialistic from him, consider yourself lucky that you've got it all figured out now at this relatively early juncture and wish him well (and bye!). He doesn't sound like that guy TBH.  Cheap in spirit.  Idk also why you worded it like you would "see" him if you got the gift--it definitely felt like a quid pro quo for gift for physical affection. Please tell me I'm wrong😐

*I still think he's inherently cheap and you are inherently a measurer of caring via goods, not a good combo at all.  Let him go, better for both of you.

[NomiMalone]

Hi all, once again thank you so much for the replies.

Just to clarify, the bag from his brother wasn’t a bday gift - he gave me the bag the day before Valentines Day. It was early days so I didn’t get him anything and I didn’t count the bag as a Valentines gift.

However... on Valentine’s Day, I also happened to receive a gift in the mail from xMM that was nice. It made me cry. 

There’s also a guy, S, a customer at the bar where I worked weekends (shut down now for Covid) who brought me loads of gifts. They’re very thoughtful gifts - my favourite instant coffee sachets, my favourite cookies. He makes the cookies himself. Once I mentioned I needed to get a certain type of batteries for a TV remote, and he turned up with a pack these batteries. Some of the gifts are really humorous, like around 2 months ago when people first started panic buying, he once turned up with a giant pack of fettuccine, because I’d mentioned I couldn’t find fettuccine anywhere. My favourite wine for my bday. I’m touched to the point of tears by the thoughtfulness of some of those small things. 

It got me thinking, that men I’m not sleeping with are putting way more thought into their gifts than the guy I AM sleeping with.

My ex’s bday was 2 weeks before mine, and I bought him a small but thoughtful gift. Lockdown had started so we didn’t make a big deal of either of our bdays, but getting nothing at all from him really hurt. After my bday, he sent me a text saying how much happiness I’ve brought to his life. I decided to broach the lack of gift thing by cheekily suggesting that, in that case, maybe he should get me a small gift for my bday and specified that I like the particular chocolates, only to make it clear I was only expecting a token, nothing expensive. 

He kind of pretended I never said that, and we just went on as normal. I mentioned it once again, and he reacted the same way again. I didn’t really push it, just ended it. Don’t think it’ll work out with a guy who shuts me down instead of discussing things. 

You guys are right - he’s making a point to put me in my place, whether it be my place as a casual gf, or as a woman and so shouldn’t tell him what to do. 

I also appreciate you guys pointing out that my expectations are too high for a casual relationship. Note definitely taken from now.

Having said that, I feel he set the tone when he gave me a nice gift just when we first started dating (a hamper with champagne, hand creams, sweets etc) and also, some thoughtful things back in Jan when we were hanging out, but not serious. (Eg a box of DVDs and macaroons a day before he went away with work for 3-4 days “to keep me occupied”, and sweet things like that. He already owned the DVDs but nothing wrong with that.) Since we’ve been exclusive however, it has only been his brother’s bag (and made a big deal about how lucky I was to get one.)

I never said to him verbatim I’d only meet up again if he bought the $15 chocolates. That’s just what I’m thinking in my head. But I’ve already brought up the bday thing twice and made it clear enough. 

[NomiMalone]

12 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

As far as buying for the women, I've dated/dating, I learned a long time ago, that if you can't figure out what to get them, you can't go wrong with her birthstone (except for an April birthday - diamond). Pretty much any piece of jewelry will do, the cost is minimal, especially with on-line auctions. 

I've also found that "Native American" jewelry (if not too large or gaudy) seems to go over well for gift giving.

You’re very thoughtful Happy Lemming. I remember reading your posts in one of the Covid threads about the things you do for your partner and the effort you went to was really sweet. 

[NomiMalone]

6 hours ago, Malin889 said:

You've only been dating for 4 weeks? 

No, its been 4 weeks since my bday. We’ve been hanging out since Jan, exclusively since early Feb.

Edited April 29, 2020 by NomiMalone

[NomiMalone]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

yeah not sure I'm understanding the full context of the "dating".  Not that it excuses him fully but if i've understood correctly, imagining part of the problem is:

*you two haven't been dating that long at all. It's a grey area where people don't necessarily feel like they need to give a gift and if he's stingy he might be exploiting it as well. But also perhaps your expectations are out of line.  Dating since February, continuing to see each other once lockdowns started or not?  Otherwise you're only a month and a half effectively in, with the whole thing stalled out, so keep it in perspective.

*You said you both agreed that it's casual and not (never? it sounded like perhaps never) going anywhere. Welp, this is what a casual gift would look like, if any.

*20 years older and you threw that bit of info in there why?  Idk, but it gives me gold digger vibes, the statement alone.  I mean if there is any expectation of getting something materialistic from him, consider yourself lucky that you've got it all figured out now at this relatively early juncture and wish him well (and bye!). He doesn't sound like that guy TBH.  Cheap in spirit.  Idk also why you worded it like you would "see" him if you got the gift--it definitely felt like a quid pro quo for gift for physical affection. Please tell me I'm wrong😐

*I still think he's inherently cheap and you are inherently a measurer of caring via goods, not a good combo at all.  Let him go, better for both of you.

Yes, it’s casual only because we are at different stages in life (he is older and already has grown kids). Since it’s just sex and dates (no plans to move in), it’s especially important to me that he doesn’t make me feel dirt cheap. Because him making feel dirt cheap makes me not wanna sleep with him. 

The dates (and now Ubereats in lockdown) were split 50/50. I do understand why you’re getting the gold digger vibe though. 

Everything you’ve brought up makes lots of sense and is food for thought.

[basil67]

If you're worried about being treated as dirt cheap, could it be that you had some unease about the whole arrangement anyway?  

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, knowing that this is just a FWB arrangement adds more light to this. I am convinced that he cares even less about your needs. Man, how am I missing this important information? 🙄🥴 Did the OP share this earlier in this thread?

[NomiMalone]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

If you're worried about being treated as dirt cheap, could it be that you had some unease about the whole arrangement anyway?  

Absolutely not. We’re in different stages of life and we both agreed we want to do the couplely stuff such as dates, cooking dinner at home, sleepovers without ever moving in together. I just want to have a good time with him. 

[NomiMalone]

2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Well, knowing that this is just a FWB arrangement adds more light to this. I am convinced that he cares even less about your needs. Man, how am I missing this important information? 🙄🥴 Did the OP share this earlier in this thread?

I think it’s a continuum. On one end, you have FWB where you just meet for hook ups, then on the other end, serious relationships where you move in together with the view of marriage. I would say I’m in the middle of the continuum, we go on dates, cook at home, I’ve met his kids, but indefinitely do not want to move in with him. Yeah I agree he does not care about my emotional needs, or isnt capable of it. 

[Miss Spider]

I agree with the others that it changes the perspective drastically that this is not a bf/gf thing but a fwb/casual thing. A lot of people don't want to invest in gifts for a fwb like they would a SO, because they don't take them seriously or see it as long term and they don't want them to think that either. It's mostly just a sex/hang out thing I guess. 

[NomiMalone]

Omg. Something just clicked. I think his refusal to buy the $15 chocolates is his way of “resetting” my expectations going forward! It’s his way of saying no more champagne hampers etc and from now on, it’ll be a strictly FWB arrangement. Ironically, that’s also the fastest way to put me off sleeping with him. 

Thanks y’all for helping me see this! This thread has really helped me process the last few weeks and I feel like my head is way clearer when it comes to him. I’m missing him way less today. I think I’ve turned a corner. 

[kendahke]

22 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Me. But its what we both want. He’s 20 years older than me. Very different stages in life (one of his sons is married and about to have a baby.) It’s just dating, nothing more. 

So he's 40+ and knows better...

Anyone over the age of 40 trying to give me a gym bag they're trying to offload from their brother's law firm as a "thoughtful" birthday gift needs to be set adrift.

I wouldn't expect this from someone who's been around women and has had relationships for easily the last 20+ years.

[elaine567]

18yo student and no money gives you the free bag as he thought you might like it and use it, is one thing, but...

[simpycurious]

23 minutes ago, kendahke said:

So he's 40+ and knows better...

Anyone over the age of 40 trying to give me a gym bag they're trying to offload from their brother's law firm as a "thoughtful" birthday gift needs to be set adrift.

I wouldn't expect this from someone who's been around women and has had relationships for easily the last 20+ years.

Isn't this really "re-gifting" in a sense?  That actually goes beyond CHEAP IMO.

[Versacehottie]

8 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Well, knowing that this is just a FWB arrangement adds more light to this. I am convinced that he cares even less about your needs. Man, how am I missing this important information? 🙄🥴 Did the OP share this earlier in this thread?

She definitely alluded to it a little  

I think that FWB arrangement means you're not getting gift in general from whoever.  If you have in the past it's a bonus, but the arrangement itself means that you don't do or expect bf/gf things.  It's so interesting that whenever FWB things go awry--no matter what they are--that the bolded is always the answer.

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Omg. Something just clicked. I think his refusal to buy the $15 chocolates is his way of “resetting” my expectations going forward! It’s his way of saying no more champagne hampers etc and from now on, it’ll be a strictly FWB arrangement. Ironically, that’s also the fastest way to put me off sleeping with him. 

Thanks y’all for helping me see this! This thread has really helped me process the last few weeks and I feel like my head is way clearer when it comes to him. I’m missing him way less today. I think I’ve turned a corner. 

Of course it is.  It's also a way to escape his "not-girlfriend" telling him what to do and putting demands on him.  If you talk to guys (as friends), it's one of the things they think (and causes them apprehension) getting into a bf/gf relationship brings: the fact that they feel like they have to basically bend to the gf's whims and what she wants.  In your case, you're not a gf so he specifically doesn't want to do it.  That said, I still wouldn't like it if anyone, in any type of relationship, told me what I should get them, after the event like I did something wrong.  Basically you are criticizing in his mind, more than just the ability to spend $15 but who he is, how he expresses himself and the nature of expectations between you two.  So yeah, digging his heels in.

Lol, but it still feels like champagne hampers were a part of your expectation or trade.  It's not ironic at all that you are put off sleeping with him because of it--I think it's part of what you want from a much older guy in a FWB relationship with you.  That's got to be off-putting on some level to him too, if you think about it.

I'm not sure why you would continue any sort of relationship with him?? I thought you broke it off and from what you said here, there seems like there is nothing left for you to get from it anyway and nothing to magnetize you toward him.  I honestly think it's run it's course.  Lastly, if you have those expectations, why not just find a boyfriend and something that can progress?

Edited April 29, 2020 by Versacehottie

[salparadise]

23 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

if I was in his shoes and someone was demanding the "gift" of their choosing in order to restart the relationship, continue the relationship etc, I would be digging my heels in just like he is.  Demanding what a gift is is the "antithesis" a the meaning of gift

Yes it certainly is.That is one trap I will not fall into again.

My ex-wife wasn't demanding or specific, but she definitely had expectations with regard to gifts, and attributed meaning just like OP. Basically, each occasion raised the bar as to what was expected for the next. I tended not to subscribe, but I wanted her to be happy so I tried to give good gifts. Whether or not she was happy happy didn't actually have much to do with me––it was more a function of her internal crap, and I was the default excuse and target. She had always talked about wanting a string of pearls someday, and one Christmas I got them for her, and by my judgement overspent. Well, guess what––she wasn't happy. She wanted a loooong string. I think it was at that point that I started understanding, and quit trying to fulfill crazy expectations... in other words, divesting and eventually getting out.

So in the future, if a woman is fixated on gifting with big expectations, and attributing meaning as to her value... deal breaker, get out. In the OP's case, I think you did him a favor by showing your colors early and not wasting his time. But I also agree that he blew it, whether intentional or just thoughtlessly.

[preraph]

I do think you have to tell most men what you want, though.  But I wouldn't do that until I knew from them that they were interested in finding a gift I liked.  I wouldn't just go telling them to buy me this or that. 

And please realize that a lot of men leave it up to their secretaries or mothers to do the gift buying for them.  So it's not really a reflection of their taste in all instances anyway.  

[Versacehottie]

Yeah, I think OP has set her "value" too low.  I can certainly see why she would be upset that she feels downgraded going from champagne baskets to a promo item from the law firm to not even a $15 box of chocolates. But the problem (for her is she is) at least partly, using these gifts to MEASURE her worth.  I think she'd feel better if she put expectations of levels of emotional closeness and relationship status before she traded the "benefits" without material expectations.  Thus if they reached a certain relationship milestone of closeness, she could give freely without expectation.  Lol, it might be a little too idealistic because even with the best of intentions people have to dial things back all the time and smooth things out with communication.  I think inherently a relationship on the train to nowhere is an exchange with certain expectations until one party or the other is no longer satisfied.  And because it's not a "going somewhere" relationship, the fallback of being able to dial things back or iron them out with communication to come to better understanding doesn't work because those options are neutralized from the get go.

I'm curious why OP wouldn't want a boyfriend that's free to progress with her?

[Happy Lemming]

5 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Omg. Something just clicked.

In my past, if I wanted to break up with a woman... I'd do little things to make her dislike me, so she would dump me.  (Being late, cheap "guy-centric" dates, etc.) That way the break up was her idea.  I've noticed that there is less trauma and drama if the woman thinks she dumped the guy. 

I was thinking this was your boyfriend's plan, but it didn't add up when he kept calling and texting.  Perhaps his plan was to downgrade the relationship (to an FWB situation), not break-up entirely??

[preraph]

Well, Nomi, glad something clicked.  I think you're right.  Honestly, it's probably best when dating to default that they guy is mainly wanting sex and then be pleasantly surprised if they end up having more substance and proving otherwise. 

[salparadise]

7 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

Something just clicked. I think his refusal to buy the $15 chocolates is his way of “resetting” my expectations going forward! It’s his way of saying no more champagne hampers etc and from now on, it’ll be a strictly FWB arrangement. Ironically, that’s also the fastest way to put me off sleeping with him. 

Yea, I used to think that FWB meant friends with the mutual benefit of casual sex. But as I've come to understand over time, many see the sex as beneficial to him only, and expect to receive other types of valuable consideration. Nothing new though, Elmore James was singing about it back in 1961. 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

For FWB I assume you want to keep gifts to an absolute minimum. Picking up some kind of sincere, thoughtful gift (whether expensive or not) can too easily suggest romantic interest beyond FWB. I would think you wanna keep gifts OUT of an FWB relationship.