Author NomiMalone Posted April 30, 2020 Author Share Posted April 30, 2020 (edited) Ok so, the problem is I didn’t know this was an FWB. He texts me daily, he does handyman things around my place (even sanded back and painted a wall), I’ve had meals with both his kids, I’ve met his friends and he’s met mine. He holds my hand when we go out. With FWBs in the past, I never texted them daily, didn’t meet their friends, didn’t go out to eat with them. To me, there’s a continuum where on one end you have FWB, the other end marriage, and the ideal situation (what I mistakenly thought I had), is in the middle. Should I just assume that if there’s no intentions to move in together, it’s an FWB? Do you think he only gave me the champagne pamper pack and box of DVDs to get in my pants and then realised too late that the gifts could’ve been misleading? How do I tell in future if I’ve unwittingly entered an FWB relationship? 🤔 Edited April 30, 2020 by NomiMalone Link to post Share on other sites
Emilie Jolie Posted April 30, 2020 Share Posted April 30, 2020 He's being a jerk, NomiMalone. He thought you were naive, he 'love bombed' you (as I believed it's called) tried to pull a fast one, you clocked it and called him out on it, as you should. All's well that ends well. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 30, 2020 Author Share Posted April 30, 2020 To answer the question on why I don’t want a serious relationship: -I’ve moved in with 2 serious boyfriends in the past and didnt really enjoy it. I felt moving in together changed the dynamic of the relationships and partly ruined them. In that regard, it was me, not them - I just don’t like being around an SO 24/7. Like I’m not a morning person at all and I don’t like sex first thing I wake up. I’m literally always late in the mornings and don’t want to offend anyone by not having enough time to engage at all. -There’s a high enough number of marriages that don’t last. I don’t understand why people continue to get married knowing the divorce rate is so high. -I don’t think it’s fair for couples to expect each other to fulfil their sexual “obligations” once the limerance period is well and truly over. I don’t think chemicals in our brains are wired to work that way and these expectations can lead to a lot of sadness, rejection and frustration in many marriages. If you look in the marriage section on this board, you’ll see there’re loads of sexless marriages. A famous person (I think it was Karl Lagerfield) once said that he has a strict rule to never have sex with his husband, and only sleeps with lovers. Although to me it sounds too far fetched for real life, I understand where he’s coming from. -I really enjoy being able to call the shots on how I live my life. From the little things, like I can have a wine and pizza in bed at 4am for dinner if I wanted to, to big things like what investments to put my money into. I don’t know why I “should” aspire to a serious long term relationship even though it’s the norm. And yes, if a guy starts off by giving champagne hampers, I expect a bday gift of some sort going forward, regardless of how old he is. I feel like he did a bait and switch. I prefer dating older guys, and believe this has to do with not having a dad growing up. I keep meaning to work through this family of origin issue, but don’t know where to start. Having said that, the love of my life is xMM, who’s close to my age. He would be the exception to my “no serious relationships” preference. I’d love to grow old with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted April 30, 2020 Author Share Posted April 30, 2020 Also to answer another question - yeah I’ve left him. Haven’t seen him for 3 weeks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IndigoNight Posted April 30, 2020 Share Posted April 30, 2020 If he was a nice guy, and I enjoyed his company, I wouldn't dump him over lousy gift giving skills. I figure over time we could work on his gift giving skills, or lack of them. I have never put a price tag on my affection for someone. Chances are if he is that clueless about getting me something I might like, we aren't very compatible anyway. My husband has bought me a few horrible gifts over the years. They make for funny stories as we're rounding the plate on 22 years together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted April 30, 2020 Share Posted April 30, 2020 Dumping a guy over his inability to give proper gifts would be like a guy dumping a woman for her inability to change a flat tire.... I'm not saying all guys are poor at this, but its not something that they do enough to get good at it.,..To most women, shopping and gift giving are like hobbies and they do it all the time, not just for so's but for friends, co workers, businesses, etc....I get gifts from female clients all the time, while other than maybe an occasional bottle of booze over the holidays, guys never give.. Does that mean anything? NO... IMO and in most cases has no bearing on how "good" or even considerate he is... .02 TFY 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 (edited) Naomi, why do you need to move in with him? You present two separate extremes -- FWB or married. Then you say you don't want to move in with him, and that's why you don't want a serious relationship? Can you not simply date him for awhile, more than FWB, but not yet ready to move in -- simply date to see where it will lead? Even if it became serious, that doesn't mean you have to live together. It sounded like his actions reflected he really liked you; he did many thoughtful things for you that a lot of men wouldn't do, which sounds like his main love language may be "acts of service." Yours is "gift giving" = clash! Couldn't you have discussed it first without dumping him? Edited May 1, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 10 hours ago, thefooloftheyear said: Dumping a guy over his inability to give proper gifts would be like a guy dumping a woman for her inability to change a flat tire.... I'm not saying all guys are poor at this, but its not something that they do enough to get good at it.,..To most women, shopping and gift giving are like hobbies and they do it all the time, not just for so's but for friends, co workers, businesses, etc....I get gifts from female clients all the time, while other than maybe an occasional bottle of booze over the holidays, guys never give.. Does that mean anything? NO... IMO and in most cases has no bearing on how "good" or even considerate he is... .02 TFY TFY, I am not sure I agree with your analogy (flat tire vs proper gift) but to me it's about the THOUGHT or lack thereof. I still think that there's a little "re-gifting" which IMO is terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 (edited) On 4/30/2020 at 8:29 PM, simpycurious said: TFY, I am not sure I agree with your analogy (flat tire vs proper gift) but to me it's about the THOUGHT or lack thereof. I still think that there's a little "re-gifting" which IMO is terrible. He was thoughtful in many other ways though simp by "doing." See her previous post. What I don't quite get is why some people only equate thoughtful with gift giving and the "proper" gift to boot. Edited May 3, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted May 1, 2020 Share Posted May 1, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, simpycurious said: TFY, I am not sure I agree with your analogy (flat tire vs proper gift) but to me it's about the THOUGHT or lack thereof. I still think that there's a little "re-gifting" which IMO is terrible. Fair enough, and bear in mind I am just answering the question in a basic sense, not really paying much attention to the original posters situation..That being said, I never really understood that whole concept of "its the thought that counts"... So you(not you, personally) took the time to get a shytty/inappropriate/unusable gift? That now puts the recipient in a position of accepting it sheepishly because they don't want to insult and stick it in a drawer or shyt can it?,...I dunno..that just seems kinda silly, ...I'm a pretty generous person and couldn't care less what is given to me and never keep a score card ...No woman would last 5 minutes if she started whining over gifts or using it as some kind of barometer of my interest.....but that's me... Don't get me wrong, I have been known to just get stuff that I know someone absolutely would use/appreciate, etc..But the other petty crap? Nah.,,, TFY Edited May 1, 2020 by thefooloftheyear 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted May 1, 2020 Author Share Posted May 1, 2020 I never whine to a partner. It’s not sexy. I whine on here instead! 😂 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 14 hours ago, NomiMalone said: I never whine to a partner. It’s not sexy. I whine on here instead! 😂 Whining is definitely NO GOOD. If it doesn't work for you then find something that does.... pretty easy peasy Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, NomiMalone said: I never whine to a partner. It’s not sexy. I whine on here instead! 😂 You may not have considered it whining, but the mere fact it was an issue for you and you mentioned that to him more than once, HE may have considered it whining. JMO but you both dodged a bullet. Major mismatch. Edited May 2, 2020 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mallimari Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) On 4/29/2020 at 11:27 AM, preraph said: I do think you have to tell most men what you want, though. But I wouldn't do that until I knew from them that they were interested in finding a gift I liked. I wouldn't just go telling them to buy me this or that. And please realize that a lot of men leave it up to their secretaries or mothers to do the gift buying for them. So it's not really a reflection of their taste in all instances anyway. I feel like even a secretary would probably suggest/get a better gift than a free gym bag though, haha. Unless the guy told the secretary to send a particular type of message? Either way, like others have said before, in this case it does look like a resetting of expectations. If someone gave me that though, I'd have to say something on the spot (not maliciously, of course), probably a thanks, but that he should keep it as I already have my own gym bag and know that I will not be using this one. On the other hand, that box of chocolates? I'll certainly eat it. But like, I'd physically return the bag on the spot, haha. Is that rude? :x Edited May 2, 2020 by Mallimari 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NomiMalone Posted May 2, 2020 Author Share Posted May 2, 2020 Ha I don’t think that’s rude, cos the bag was a freebie. It was meant to be for Valentines Day, I think, and it was early days in dating, so I didn’t think much of it at the time, I just gave it to charity. It was only when i got nothing for my bday more recently that I started thinking he was cheap, and was turned off sleeping with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
simpycurious Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 1 minute ago, NomiMalone said: Ha I don’t think that’s rude, cos the bag was a freebie. It was meant to be for Valentines Day, I think, and it was early days in dating, so I didn’t think much of it at the time, I just gave it to charity. It was only when i got nothing for my bday more recently that I started thinking he was cheap, and was turned off sleeping with him. Missing a birthday is a WHOLE different deal. That's an epic fail on his behalf. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 NomiMalone, if you are turned off by him, regardless of why, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I assume you've considered the different responses and noted which ones you can relate to and which ones seem off base for you. You're under no obligation to continue the relationship. It's just another thing you've learned about yourself along the way and can be applied to the next guy you date. If you see another guy as cheap you'll know you just need to keep moving on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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