Online dating app etiquette during Covid

[thecrucible]

So I've decided to start using a mobile dating app and let's just say I got a bit carried away with my swiping. I now have 20 conversations on the go at the same time and it's exhausting. None of them have major red flags but I did unmatch a few people as conversation just seemed to die.

Sometimes it's emotionally draining as if I disappear for a few hours, some say "where have you been?" etc and it's like "dude I have a life outside of this app". There was a nice guy I had a phone conversation with but it just didn't really flow as well as the conversation in text went however I'm still communicating with him in case I change my mind. Another guy said he wanted to be friends with me and see if anything happened but then got annoyed when I said I didn't know how I felt because we were just talking like friends (I didn't fancy him physically when I saw him on cam anyway).

I'm wondering if I need to jump the gun and just unmatch some of these guys I'm not feeling it for or just see how it pans out. I sometimes don't feel it's appropriate to send a rejection message to someone I haven't met. I recognise that some people don't communicate well on an app but are better in person and vice versa. At the same time, it might be some of these dudes are just passing time while they're in isolation? 

Does anyone have any tips on how to filter effectively in the apps? 

[smackie9]

yes unmatch. And yes you and everyone is looking for some kind of company even if nothing will result of it. You are the filter by hitting the delete button.

[thecrucible]

Thanks @smackie9 . I guess it isn't rude to remove with no explanation then. Although do you think it's different if you've had a virtual date or phone calls  or just the same? I'm trying to figure how to broach this without hurting people's feelings but I guess I'm not responsible for how others' feel. I need to put myself first. 

[thecrucible]

Oh and I'm now trying to figure out how to tell whether they're just passing time with me or not. It's maybe best to just not care at all as you say as it'll probably all change after lockdown anyway?

[ccas93]

I'd just unmatch the annoying ones. And respond when you feel like it to the ones you have any interest at all in. It should be just for fun/boredom at this point and not much of a priority for people. 

[Cookiesandough]

Just leave it there and walk away if you want. No, I don't think you owe that much to a person you've never met on a dating app...You can talk to them as long as you feel like it. If you need to walk away, just say you gotta go. If you are on the fence, but don't want to talk at the moment, just let it sit. If you know you're 100% not feeling it, just unmatch. If a person get's bent out of shape over that, they're not gonna make it in this world.

Edited April 28, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[thecrucible]

Thanks @Cookiesandough. I've since unmatched some who hadn't replied in days and imposed some distance on the others. I don't want to become a crux for anyone bored in isolation. My studies and work are a priority. If they're decent, they won't get up in my work. I definitely need a break to re-evaluate I think. 

I need to get cut ties with some who give me toxic energy by getting attached too quickly as well. 

I guess the same goes for anyone reaching out to me during this time. I can reply as and when I want and just because I'm spending a lot of time at home, doesn't mean people can expect me to reply so quickly. 

 

[smackie9]

18 hours ago, thecrucible said:

Thanks @smackie9 . I guess it isn't rude to remove with no explanation then. Although do you think it's different if you've had a virtual date or phone calls  or just the same? I'm trying to figure how to broach this without hurting people's feelings but I guess I'm not responsible for how others' feel. I need to put myself first. 

That's on them on how they feel...it's something you will never have control over. You owe them nothing, but maybe a "I don't want to pursue this anymore, all the best.." message. I get it though you get those who are so butt hurt they turn ugly and bash you for rejecting them and who wants that right?

Edited April 29, 2020 by smackie9

[Fletch Lives]

Guys should be so lucky to have too many girls to talk to. What a great problem to have. (Just putting things into perspective).

[OatsAndHall]

If I were single, I would be staying away from the dating apps right now.  I could see myself making a lot of false connections with women via text and phone calls, just to be disappointed when we decide it was safe to meet.

[thecrucible]

2 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

If I were single, I would be staying away from the dating apps right now.  I could see myself making a lot of false connections with women via text and phone calls, just to be disappointed when we decide it was safe to meet.

Yeah that’s what I’m worried about because I’m conscious that I’m dealing with actual human beings. I don’t know what they’re expecting once this is all over or how I would feel about meeting up with them. I’m also holding back on my end because I don’t want to get too attached to them. I’ve had to unmatch a few guys for acting too clingy already. I have social anxiety and I think the app I’m using is making it worse really. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

If I were single, I would be staying away from the dating apps right now.  I could see myself making a lot of false connections with women via text and phone calls, just to be disappointed when we decide it was safe to meet.

Why would this be different any other time? 

31 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

Yeah that’s what I’m worried about because I’m conscious that I’m dealing with actual human beings. I don’t know what they’re expecting once this is all over or how I would feel about meeting up with them. I’m also holding back on my end because I don’t want to get too attached to them. I’ve had to unmatch a few guys for acting too clingy already. I have social anxiety and I think the app I’m using is making it worse really. 

Yep, an app would further complicate your anxiety, I would imagine. 

Why are you conscious that you are dealing with 'actual' human beings now? If no coronavirus, would you behave differently? There are many who feel communicating during this time is useless. Not in my experience. I am communicating with 2 ladies and our communication has been intentional, directed, and reasonable in terms of expectations. We can plan, get to know one another with less pressure to meet sooner. There are some who will come across more "whatever", but they would have anyway. There are those who simply want to chat during these times. I remind them that my intention is to date and move on. I have found quite a few people online dating or socializing during this time and many of them kind of enjoy the time taken to get to know someone without having to dart someplace to meet. Less pressure. The key is to limit your communication with only a manageable number of people. 

[thecrucible]

@Gr8fuln2020 - at the moment, I’m talking to too many but unsure how to reduce the number. I unmatched a few when conversation died out. I also struggle with getting too attached and managing my phone use during the day. I’m basically paranoid that I’m going to hurt someone if they invest in me and I decide later I’m not into them. I’m probably projecting because I overanalyse myself if someone disappears rather than looking at the bigger picture. I over empathise basically. 

My texting anxiety got really bad with my ex (the one I’ve posted a lot about recently) because he would threaten to break up with me and things if he didn’t like what I said or vanish for hours if I put less xs at the end of a text. It’s just heightened my anxiety with texting in general ever since. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

43 minutes ago, thecrucible said:

@Gr8fuln2020 - at the moment, I’m talking to too many but unsure how to reduce the number. I unmatched a few when conversation died out. I also struggle with getting too attached and managing my phone use during the day. I’m basically paranoid that I’m going to hurt someone if they invest in me and I decide later I’m not into them. I’m probably projecting because I overanalyse myself if someone disappears rather than looking at the bigger picture. I over empathise basically. 

My texting anxiety got really bad with my ex (the one I’ve posted a lot about recently) because he would threaten to break up with me and things if he didn’t like what I said or vanish for hours if I put less xs at the end of a text. It’s just heightened my anxiety with texting in general ever since. 

I don't know which app(s) you use, but would recommend first deciding on an app or two at most. Really and ideally one. From there, if there is a favorite section, place your most promising or likable in that folder or section and only communicate with them until you find the time to meet or their communication fizzes out. Focus on your favorite 2-3 tops. You have to be disciplined. 

Did they contact you or you them? I would start by focusing on those you favorited or contacted first. You know that they piqued YOUR interest and not the other way around. Select by distance. Distance is HUGE in terms of relationship success.

Believe me, I suspect you will not have any shortage of interest, so COVID or not, others will be available whether the 2-3 you choose to focus works out or not. It is the nature of OLD that there is a turnstile approach to communication. It is what it is. Don't feel obligated to respond at first contact from someone else. In fact, once you have focused on a handful, turn off your new matches or interest notifications. REMEMBER these are total strangers and you don't owe them any semblance of loyalty or duty to remain in their lives for any reason. 

[OatsAndHall]

2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Why would this be different any other time? 

Any other time, I would chat with a woman, set up a date ASAP and see them face to face within the week. Things are just starting to open back up in this state and I wouldn't be comfortable making any plans other than going for a walk.

[thecrucible]

@Gr8fuln2020 - Thank you for the tips. I'm talking to about 10 at the mo, had dates with about five (two I'm no longer talking to). I use Bumble. I genuinely didn't think that many men would find me attractive so surprised I ended up with that many matches, or even enough that would lead to decent conversation. If I'm being honest with myself, there are two or three who I feel are putting more effort in to get to know me as person and I'm having more substantial conversation with. The more I talk, the more I accidentally drop some (just cause my brain can't handle that much).  I'll try asking some of the guys I'm talking to some more pertinent questions so I can suss out whether they're really for me or not. Nothing beats this one guy I had a virtual date with. He said he wanted another one, then ended up ghosting me. I've tried to filter by distance but I live in London so there are tonnes of dudes haha

[Gr8fuln2020]

3 hours ago, thecrucible said:

@Gr8fuln2020 - Thank you for the tips. I'm talking to about 10 at the mo, had dates with about five (two I'm no longer talking to). I use Bumble. I genuinely didn't think that many men would find me attractive so surprised I ended up with that many matches, or even enough that would lead to decent conversation. If I'm being honest with myself, there are two or three who I feel are putting more effort in to get to know me as person and I'm having more substantial conversation with. The more I talk, the more I accidentally drop some (just cause my brain can't handle that much).  I'll try asking some of the guys I'm talking to some more pertinent questions so I can suss out whether they're really for me or not. Nothing beats this one guy I had a virtual date with. He said he wanted another one, then ended up ghosting me. I've tried to filter by distance but I live in London so there are tonnes of dudes haha

Interesting that you are surprised with the attention. I suspect many are not really interested, available, nor serious. With COVID, people just get bored and need attention. You need to ask poignant questions and see whether you get answers that seem thoughtful or simply dismissive or worse. Weed them out that way. The less substance, the likelihood is that they are not interested in getting to know you in any meaningful way. 

[thecrucible]

@Gr8fuln2020 - Thank you. I’ve just deleted a bunch I wasn’t talking with who hadn’t replied in over a week and a few who seemed to just small talk, no depth. I’ll ask the others more poignant questions and see how I get on. It’s odd because there are some who talk a lot of back and forth during the day but it’s quite light. Then there are others I’ve had virtual dates with, who talk less frequently but give more thoughtful replies. I do get the impression some are just lonely rather than liking me specifically but I can’t tell yet. About to block one who keeps trying to persuade me to break the rules - “I’ll bring you a lime for you gin and tonic”, “I’ll read you a book from outside your window” etc 

[Weezy1973]

My mantra when OLD was the it means nothing until you actually meet in person. And even then I’d recommend adopting the attitude that it means nothing until you’ve met someone in person multiple times. This attitude just lifts all the pressure and realistically, none of these guys will end up being compatible enough to form a lasting relationship anyways. 

[thecrucible]

Thanks @Weezy1973. That’s a good way to think about it in order to lift the pressure. I’m trying to change my dating ways anyway. I have an anxious attachment style and have a history of rushing into relationships with the wrong people. Right now it would be good to just chat and see where it goes but for some reason I feel guilt if it doesn’t go anywhere. I guess I’m just used to my ex and it’s warped my brain.

[Weezy1973]

@thecrucible Knowing you have an anxious attachment style is a great start. It just means that often you’ll have to behave in ways that go against your instincts which is where the tough part comes in.

Compatibility and/or incompatibility shows up over time, so jumping in early is not what you want to do. Just the opposite in fact. You want to stay as emotionally detached as possible in the early stages, especially if you’re dating strangers like through OLD.

[thecrucible]

@Weezy1973 - yeah emotionally detaching is hard for me but I’m learning a lot about myself from dating. For instance what I want is not the same as what I need. I need to be better at seeing them as they are rather than what they could be. 
 

So I find myself drawn to intellectual types but it’s the less cerebral ones so far who make me feel better and more myself in their  presence. I think I was turned off in the past by decent guys because I must not have felt worthy of their attention or because it went against my pattern of emotionally unavailable dudes. Then my dating history is full of professor types with less emotional sensitivity so I must have a type. 

[thecrucible]

@Gr8fuln2020 - what do you think I should do if there’s a guy I really like more than the others? I’m inclined to focus on just him as we’ve discussed meeting after lockdown and it’s starting to not feel right talking to anyone else. However we’ve not met before so obviously it’s not real until we see each other in person. I also don’t know who else he’s talking to. I’ve kind of lost enthusiasm for any dates with others. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 hours ago, thecrucible said:

@Gr8fuln2020 - what do you think I should do if there’s a guy I really like more than the others? I’m inclined to focus on just him as we’ve discussed meeting after lockdown and it’s starting to not feel right talking to anyone else. However we’ve not met before so obviously it’s not real until we see each other in person. I also don’t know who else he’s talking to. I’ve kind of lost enthusiasm for any dates with others. 

So, you don't have any idea when you'll meet. So, he may, under the circumstances, begin to lose interest. Be prepared for that. You have NO obligation nor loyalty to anyone at this point. Even without COVID. I would recommend putting a little more focus on the guy you like, but try to ID 1-2 others you may be interested in and continue communicating with him/them as well. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. 

Do you feel 1-3 communications is manageable? Unless all the others are simply guys you just cannot imagine being with, this is my advice. 

[thecrucible]

@Gr8fuln2020 - we are talking about meeting so hopefully this will happen - he works for government so is trying to work out a way to do it. I blew off some others but left a few so there’s about four left I’m communicating with. Because I can’t gauge where he’s at, I won’t tell him I have a focus on him yet. I have already told him that he’s my favourite from the site (EHarmony). He doesn’t actually know that I use Bumble too. 
 

thank you for the advice 🙂