I've blown it. How do I get past this?

[Maria1956]

Back story - I’ve been involved in a full blown affair with a 64 year old man for over 2 years. He’s 20 years older than me. We are both married, his marriage is solid and stable, mine is just about treading water. It’s been a long rocky road but we have loads in common and get on really well. The affair itself is intense, we are both (or so I thought) deeply attached to each other, speak and text daily and see each other once or twice a week. 
 

He’s had many wobbles in the past, he’s tried to end things but he’s always come back and for the past few months things have been great and we were both in a good place with it. We have talked about leaving our spouses, but he’s always asserted that the fall out would be too great, he is at a different stage of his life than me and his wife wouldn’t cope without him. That I can accept. The situation suits me and I’ve always been quite happy seeing him now and then. He is a very intense man, he’s possessive and jealous but not overbearing but I think his love for me is more about the attention and validation he gets from

me and it’s more an infatuation on his part. He tells me constantly that he loves me and can’t live without me. I’ve been going through a rough time in my marriage and I’ve been confiding in him a great deal. He’s talks about his marriage sometimes and how happy it is and how much history they have together. I saw him yesterday, we had a long discussion about my marriage and he starts talking about his situation and how strong his relationship with his wife is and something inside me just snapped. I called him the c word (I know I’m horrified as it type this) and told him I was sick of hearing about how perfect his life is when I feel like mine is falling apart. We never argue, this is the first time we’ve come to blows and I’m totally devastated at how I’ve behaved. 
 

I called him today and he said things were fine, he accepted my apology but I could tell that he didn’t want to be anywhere near me. In my heart I know this needs to end, I know that through me he is reliving his youth, he was a ladies man when he was younger and if I’m honest with myself I think he just enjoys reliving that experience. 
 

I don’t want to lose him but I feel so lost and like I’ve burnt the bridge that connects us. I don’t know what to say or do to make this right. 

[stillafool]

He's cheating on his wife yet he says he and his wife have a strong marriage?  That's laughable.  Does his wife know about you?  He's never going to leave her and it's not because she would fall apart without him.  He's with her because that's where he wants to be.  If she knew the truth and still wanted to keep him that would be a different story.  If your marriage is on life support you might think of getting a divorce and finding a single man who can make you happy.

[Maria1956]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's cheating on his wife yet he says he and his wife have a strong marriage?  That's laughable.  Does his wife know about you?  He's never going to leave her and it's not because she would fall apart without him.  He's with her because that's where he wants to be.  If she knew the truth and still wanted to keep him that would be a different story.  If your marriage is on life support you might think of getting a divorce and finding a single man who can make you happy.

 

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He's cheating on his wife yet he says he and his wife have a strong marriage?  That's laughable.  Does his wife know about you?  He's never going to leave her and it's not because she would fall apart without him.  He's with her because that's where he wants to be.  If she knew the truth and still wanted to keep him that would be a different story.  If your marriage is on life support you might think of getting a divorce and finding a single man who can make you happy.

Stillafool you’re so right. I know we all like to think our affairs are unique and special but I know that it’s just like any other. The lies and sneaking around, me never being able to contact him without him contacting me first when it’s safe. It’s the same old script. I think the hardest part for me is losing the friendship side of it. We were so close, it’s almost like he was dependent on me for support and companionship. I think that’s the reason why I found him bleating on about his happy marriage so galling. None of it rallies up. It was a full blown emotional and physical affair, we were like a couple. I never understood how someone can have this type of relationship whilst professing to have a fantastic marriage. Unless he’s just telling me that so I don’t get any ideas? 

[Maria1956]

I really need to hear some harsh truths right now. I miss my life before the affair. My marriage was never fantastic but it has deteriorated because of the affair. I dont know if I can rekindle feelings for my DH, I have the serious ick when he touches me I don’t know if that can be reversed. I need to end the affair once and for all and claw back some dignity but I don’t feel I’m strong enough. I miss him so much already. 

[mark clemson]

One harsh truth is that if his wife were to ever find out she would probably be devastated.

Another harsh truth is that the unfairness (to you) of the situation is clearly grating at you. Although you ALSO have strong feelings for him, part of you is very bothered by this. That is why you "snapped" at him. His life is pretty decent outside of the affair. Yours much less so. I think a harsh truth is that will continue to bother you and likely intensify. I think this is partly unconscious, but you are starting to become more aware of it.

A 3rd harsh truth is that the likely outcome of continuing the affair is the current status quo. With him happy at home AND with you, while you are unhappy and desiring but unable to actually have him.

A 4th harsh truth is that there appear to be some women out there who are genuinely suited for the OW role LT. They are adults and can make their own decisions - it is what it is. But I think you're starting to find out that that's probably not you. So now you're looking for a way out. Unfortunately the "emotional distress" has a life of it's own. The neurons in your brain take a while to adjust - months minimum. So, unfortunately it's likely you're in for quite a bit more of that. There are things you can do to help take the edge off, and you'll see some of that advice in other posts. But generally if you can't make it "impossible" to see him, you'll most likely be stuck waiting it out, which can be genuinely painful. You will have good company here on LS as there are at least a solid handful of women here in a similar boat, as well as some men, who can sympathize.

[BaileyB]

I hate to say it, but this affair is so typical it’s almost textbook. Older man, generally content with his marriage, not prepared to suffer the inevitable social and financial consequences of divorce at this stage of life... finds a younger woman in an unfulfilling marriage who is looking for companionship, emotional support, and a little excitement...

There is no future here. Sure, you can lean on each other for as long as convenient, taking from each other what you need to make your day to day existence a little more pleasurable... but, it doesn’t change the fact that he’s married and not going anywhere. It also does nothing to address the problems in your marriage.

Is your husband a good guy/your marriage a good marriage - hard to say, you can’t make a valid assessment right now because your head is in the clouds, you are dreaming of another man... Your poor husband could be a very nice man, but he can’t possibly compare to the excitement you feel about your affair/affair partner. It’s also very common for a woman to turn away from her husband when she develops feeling/intimacy with another man. It would seem, many women have difficulty be intimate with two partners, when being dishonest with their husband... which is why they tend to shut down emotionally and sexually toward their husband. Further, the blame is usually shifted to the husband - quite suddenly, an otherwise ok marriage turns to a bad marriage to justify the affair...

Honestly, if you want to get your life in order you will have to go no contact with your affair partner. You can’t possibly move forward/rediscover your marriage or even make a decision about divorce if you have another man in your heart and mind. I would then suggest that you reach out to the mental health supports that are plentiful right now with the lockdown and find yourself some counselling. Not marriage counselling, at least not now. Individual counselling, to get your head on straight such that you can start making some better decisions for yourself and your family... good luck.

Ps. Further to the idea that a man can have a wonderful marriage and brag about his great life - I wonder if his wife would agree that their marriage is “wonderful” if she knew the truth, that her husband was sleeping with another woman. She is likely to have a very different perception of the situation...

Edited April 28, 2020 by BaileyB

[preraph]

It's entirely possible she does look the other way if he was a ladies' man when younger.  But that's neither here nor there.  He has two women to be friends and lovers with, so as far as he's concerned, it's win/win.  

[BaileyB]

It is entirely possible, he fits the profile of a ladies man. The intensity, the fact that he shows his affection by being jealous and possessive are seen as positive attributes. I also wondered if this was his first rodeo, it’s entirely possible that his wife is aware of his wandering eye and has chosen to turn her head... for all the same reasons that he stays in his marriage. It could be mutually beneficial for both partners to do so...

[Maria1956]

Thank you so much for the replies. I’m so glad I found this forum. At the current moment my beliefs are as follows:

1) he is in love with me and how affair is unique, special and we are soulmates 

2) he would leave his wife if it wouldn’t cause devastation to her

3) I believe him when he says he wishes he met me first (impossible due to the age gap)

4) I believe him when he says he’s never felt like this about anyone before
 

The beliefs I WANT to cultivate are:

1) I was only ever a boost to his flagging ego 

2) he has no intention of leaving his wife

3) he enjoyed the attention and validation having an affair with a younger woman provided 

4) the affair was never about me. He would have had an affair with any women he found attractive who gave him the attention I did 

I need to make the mental shift. Once I’ve done that I can begin to move on. 

[pepperbird]

OP,

I know this will go against the grain, but it almost sounds like you are clinging to this guy out of desperation. Are you using him as a crutch to keep yourself in a marriage you feel is failing?

To be frank, it doesn't sound like you're happy at all. I don't think your MM can make you happy, not real happiness- but he might give you  the cheap, dirty sort of happiness that's based on the smoke and  mirrors in your own mind. Why don;t you take a step back from all of this and think about your life. Where do you want to be one year from now? Five? Ten? Will this affair get you there? If not, what will?

Could it be that this affair is really just a distraction form facing some hard truths?
 

[BaileyB]

It’s an illusion of happiness. It may feel like happiness when they are together, but it’s fleeting. The doubts creep in when he returns home to his wife... It’s not the true happiness that an authentic, committed relationship can bring - a relationship where you are free to love each other, be together, and you are secure in the knowledge that you share the same values of honesty, trust, and loyalty. That is the thing that everyone hopes to find, and it definitely isn’t found in an extramarital affair.

[stillafool]

I don't think you can reconnect with your husband if his touch gives you an "ick" feeling. Usually when a woman loses the sexual desire for a man it's damn hard to get it back.   I think you will never get over MM until you divorce and get involved with a single man you can love.  

[Difficultstuff]

1 hour ago, Maria1956 said:

Thank you so much for the replies. I’m so glad I found this forum. At the current moment my beliefs are as follows:

1) he is in love with me and how affair is unique, special and we are soulmates 

2) he would leave his wife if it wouldn’t cause devastation to her

3) I believe him when he says he wishes he met me first (impossible due to the age gap)

4) I believe him when he says he’s never felt like this about anyone before
 

The beliefs I WANT to cultivate are:

1) I was only ever a boost to his flagging ego 

2) he has no intention of leaving his wife

3) he enjoyed the attention and validation having an affair with a younger woman provided 

4) the affair was never about me. He would have had an affair with any women he found attractive who gave him the attention I did 

I need to make the mental shift. Once I’ve done that I can begin to move on. 

I agree in the main with the other posters, but I do also want to say that you seem very clear-eyed about your situation, which might bode well for the future.

That said, you're not likely to suddenly just make that 'mental shift' and then move on. It's more likely, as you'll see from other threads here, that you'll decide to end things and then go through a lot of withdrawal and second-guessing your decision before gradually disentangling your emotions over time. That's probably going to be very painful - but it is survivable.

Maybe your first four points above have some truth in them, these things are not always very neat, and the truth can be complex. Either way, you got so frustrated with him that you lashed out at him verbally and are now posting here. It's not about making things right - you seem pretty clear that this affair is wrong for you. So you know what to do.

[Amethyst68]

Why do you think he'd leave his wife for you when you've just had your first big blow out over him telling you how strong their relationship is? That conversation alone pretty much negates your points 1-4 in my opinion. If they were true he would not be spending his time with you talking about how special his marriage is.

[Difficultstuff]

5 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

Why do you think he'd leave his wife for you when you've just had your first big blow out over him telling you how strong their relationship is? That conversation alone pretty much negates your points 1-4 in my opinion. If they were true he would not be spending his time with you talking about how special his marriage is.

I'm not sure the OP really believes this, but is maybe more in the bargaining stage. 'If this, then that' and 'If that, then this' - or is beginning to move out of that stage and see things more realistically. But, yes, if the MM is openly talking about his special, stable marriage, it is cruel and it sounds like he is entirely using her for his own advantage, whatever he says he feels for her.

[ExpatInItaly]

This was a bridge that was bound to burn someday, OP. 

It's better now than later. 

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi.  The bad part for you is pulling totally away from your H.   There is a married woman on here that is 2 years out after her A, and is still trying to reconnect with H. 2 years!  I hope she sees this and can comment.   While i don’t think you can reconnect, you do have some tough choices ahead of you.   He compartmentalized.  You did not.  Men are better at that.  I’m sorry it went so far past the point of no return.     Nothing in the world like affair sex and that relationship.  My goodness.       Were you great, Besr friends before you started to sleep together ?

[Maria1956]

Reading your replies is really helping to put things in perspective so thank you. Reflecting last night, I’m wondering whether I snapped because subconsciously I’m trying to sabotage the affair because I want out. When I think of my life without MM in it, I feel bereft, yet I also feel strangely excited at the thought of getting my life back. I’ve lost sight of so many things I used to do that now longer provide enjoyment, painting, long bike rides, I’ve even stopped connecting with friends as this affair fog is just so dense! 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Maria1956

[Lurker123]

Hi Maria, fellow OW here who is currently NC. I’ve read your story and I have a few questions/observations. 
 

MM says that his reason for not leaving BS is because she won’t cope without him. Does he ever give any explanation to this? How exactly won’t she cope? I am assuming if they split that he would support her financially? Or is he more worried that if he leaves, she will be on her own?  I think you have to ask yourself why he is willing to sacrifice your happiness above hers.

You say that he is constantly telling you he is happy in his marriage. I feel like his timing to again say this in your last meet, when you had poured your heart out about how bad your marriage currently is, speaks volumes. Almost like a reminder to you, that no matter how bad things get for you, he is still happy and won’t be leaving his wife. 
 

Does he ever encourage you to leave your husband? What advice does he offer?
 

I would say to you that now would be the perfect time to walk away. It’s easy to say those words, trust me I have heard them said to me many times in this forum and it has fallen on deaf ears, but it’s true. Are you willing to carry on another 2, 3, 5 maybe even 10 years with this situation? What happened above WILL happen again as your resentment grows and believe  me, next time you may likely say a lot worse!

i am unsure how you saw MM at present due to lockdown, but I would use this time to go NC, decide what you want from your marriage and if you want it to continue. Focus on that and then if that cannot be salvaged, move forward with your life with a view to finding someone single who can give you everything we women require in a proper relationship- love, undivided attention, affection, cuddles on the sofa, dinner and time away together. Don’t settle for half a life when you could be living a full one. 

[Whispertomyheart]

You don’t want him, he is an old man. Whether you stay married or not, you still have life to live and things to do. You  are giving the old man the thrill of his life and he can’t believe his luck.  Look old men only get older and older and useless. They can’t work, outside or at home, they won’t help with housework, they can’t do yard work, they usually snore and keep you awake, they have to pee all of the time and they start forgetting Everything,.  You would be trapped and miserable. Besides, he is never leaving his wife.  Forget him and move on. He has nothing to offer you.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

Reflecting last night, I’m wondering whether I snapped because subconsciously I’m trying to sabotage the affair because I want out. 

It’s a very normal response to what is a very one sided relationship. 

Let’s say you are struggling with unemployment and finances, but you have a friend who tells you every time you talk about her great job, she tells you about her travels around the world for work meeting, her holidays with her family, her new designer bag... Would you continue to spend time with this friend? Not likely. It’s a very insensitive thing to do. She is not considering your feelings and the relationship begins to feel very one sided. It’s likely that you would reduce contact with this person, because it makes you feel sad when you get together. 

[pepperbird]

5 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

Reading your replies is really helping to put things in perspective so thank you. Reflecting last night, I’m wondering whether I snapped because subconsciously I’m trying to sabotage the affair because I want out. When I think of my life without MM in it, I feel bereft, yet I also feel strangely excited at the thought of getting my life back. I’ve lost sight of so many things I used to do that now longer provide enjoyment, painting, long bike rides, I’ve even stopped connecting with friends as this affair fog is just so dense! 

Is the price you're paying worth it?

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Maria1956 said:

Reading your replies is really helping to put things in perspective so thank you. Reflecting last night, I’m wondering whether I snapped because subconsciously I’m trying to sabotage the affair because I want out. When I think of my life without MM in it, I feel bereft, yet I also feel strangely excited at the thought of getting my life back. I’ve lost sight of so many things I used to do that now longer provide enjoyment, painting, long bike rides, I’ve even stopped connecting with friends as this affair fog is just so dense! 

Where is reconnecting and making this up to your husband on that list?

[sandylee1]

6 hours ago, Whispertomyheart said:

You don’t want him, he is an old man. Whether you stay married or not, you still have life to live and things to do. You  are giving the old man the thrill of his life and he can’t believe his luck.  Look old men only get older and older and useless. They can’t work, outside or at home, they won’t help with housework, they can’t do yard work, they usually snore and keep you awake, they have to pee all of the time and they start forgetting Everything,.  You would be trapped and miserable. Besides, he is never leaving his wife.  Forget him and move on. He has nothing to offer you.

You have a great sense of humour.  Your post made me laugh...because in many ways it's true. 

[DOLS]

I think your MM is not bragging tho but putting a line, you are complaining about your married life so he talked about how happy he is as a way to tell you that just in case you want to ask for more then it won't happen. 

 

You blew up because you couldn't feel any sympathy, any concern from him. You treated him like a best friend but he was pushing you away, even of it's not your MM you'll still feel hurt if someone did that to you while you're trying to release your frustrations by talking. 

He showed you no sympathy, he doesn't care about you. He will never leave his wife for you and his response for your frustrations and calls says it all, you meant nothing for him. You hurt his pride and ego, so he want nothing of it.

Please don't contact him anymore. It will hurt at first but keeo thing of how he's hugging his wife while you're all broken hearted.

Edited April 30, 2020 by DOLS