Dumper agrees to talk. What does she mean?

[CapCrunchFla]

So my ex dumped me after a 10 month relationship a week ago. Earlier today after no contact since break up, I sent her a message about what I learned in the relationship. About how losing my job made me embarrassed so I didn't tell any of my friends and leant in her for all my support. I mentioned how I suffocated her because I was scared to lose her, and that I didn't listen to her for advice.

She loved me but had to break up because I kept adding stress to our relationships, and she didn't think I'd get out of the hole I was in.

I've been working on myself and feel a lot better, learning to speak to others for advice and enriching my life.

It's weird because last time I remember her posting on Instagram must have been Xmas. I posted on Instagram earlier and then I see her posting a selfie. Coincidence ay?

Anyway, she replied saying:

"It's great that you're being so understanding and willing to accept your own mistakes, I think you have dealt with this really well and maturely. I'm happy to talk if that's what you need".

No idea what to make of this, it's hard not to try and read between the lines.

Any opinions on what she might mean?

Cheers everyone

[alphamale]

did she mention her mistakes?  i'm almost positive there are some

[CapCrunchFla]

5 minutes ago, alphamale said:

did she mention her mistakes?  i'm almost positive there are somes

She's the type to never talk serious over text. I'm not sure when I should call?

[Blind-Sided]

She's just being nice, and isn't looking to get you back. Her response to me says... "I will talk to help you, but not us."

Sorry.

[CapCrunchFla]

27 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

She's just being nice, and isn't looking to get you back. Her response to me says... "I will talk to help you, but not us."

Sorry.

Haha not what I wanted to hear but yet again I can't be naive. I'll update tomorrow once the call had finished!

[ExpatInItaly]

39 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

She's just being nice, and isn't looking to get you back. Her response to me says... "I will talk to help you, but not us."

Sorry.

That's exactly how I am reading it, too. She's trying to be kind to you, OP, but isn't looking to reconcile. 

[CapCrunchFla]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's exactly how I am reading it, too. She's trying to be kind to you, OP, but isn't looking to reconcile. 

What about if she just didn't want to give anything away? I've definitely seen that before. 

Maybe she needs to hear it, not just words on a screen.

Should I not bother to call?

[Realitysux]

I wouldn't bother to call. The relationship ended when she dumped you. 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

I don't think you should call. Is it really going to help you if she moved on? It isn't easy when someone dumps you or rejects you but her feelings for you romantically are gone. Yiu can if you need it but you may end up feeling worse about yourself .. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Realitysux

[CapCrunchFla]

6 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I don't think you should call. Is it really going to help you if she moved on? It isn't easy when someone dumps you or rejects you but her feelings for you romantically are gone. Yiu can if you need it but you may end up feeling worse about yourself .. 

Which adult that was in love, telling me apart of her wants me to convince her to stay, would move on after a week?

[Realitysux]

If you need to hear it then do it. She was kind enough to talk to you. Post an update! 

[Marc878]

Closure comes from within. Don’t grasp at straws or analyze this to death.

Her message didn’t leave a clue about getting back together. When a girls done they are done.

No contact and learn. Cut off all social media to. It’s a form of contact.

i doubt you’ll listen so you’ll keep yourself tied up in this.

[TeddyBundy1993]

You are reading too much into her kind gesture. 10 months on girl made no attempts to reach you makes it clear she can survive without you. Shes being kindly sending a msgs that all she can offer is friendship. And from your words I can definitely make out you want more from this. Dont waste your time on this person,  stick to friendship expecting anything else will hurt you. As you have learned from your mistakes, use it to be a better person in your next relationship let this one go. She has dumped you and sent a signal she wants nothing more than friendship clearly 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, CapCrunchFla said:

What about if she just didn't want to give anything away? I've definitely seen that before. 

Maybe she needs to hear it, not just words on a screen.

Should I not bother to call?

It's usually not that complicated, in my experience. 

You can call if you want, but I wouldn't expect it to amount to more than a goodbye-type chat. 

[CapCrunchFla]

7 hours ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

You are reading too much into her kind gesture. 10 months on girl made no attempts to reach you makes it clear she can survive without you. Shes being kindly sending a msgs that all she can offer is friendship. And from your words I can definitely make out you want more from this. Dont waste your time on this person,  stick to friendship expecting anything else will hurt you. As you have learned from your mistakes, use it to be a better person in your next relationship let this one go. She has dumped you and sent a signal she wants nothing more than friendship clearly 

Maybe I wrote it wrong or it didn't come across well but we've been split up for a week, not 10 months.

[Realitysux]

38 minutes ago, CapCrunchFla said:

Maybe I wrote it wrong or it didn't come across well but we've been split up for a week, not 10 months.

Why don't you call her and take the closure you need and then move on. You are going to get the same responses in this thread.

[TeddyBundy1993]

My bad I mixed up. Still it will be too soon to make any move.  You should have given her space to see where her head is does she even miss you ? Her words were diplomatic, I would say let this go or atleast for now continue the no contact. If you push it, you'll loose respect and appear clingy. In my experience once women are done then they are done.  They are gone.. none of us here are trying to let you down. They all are talking from their perspective from what they've learnt here. 

[schlumpy]

Within one week you've turned yourself around? How many months did you display the needy behavior? I can understand why she might be cautious. If you want her back you have to repair  the damage you've created through consistent positive action and not just a "mea culpa" phone call or text.

Recreate that attractive place in your life she once occupied then invite her back in to fill it.

[gamon]

Assuming that the real reason she dumped you is because you suffocated her then there is no good reason to reach out to her.

If she has a change of heart, she's got your number.

 

[Realitysux]

Wrong post. I didn't mean to post here 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Realitysux

[ShyViolet]

I think you are kidding yourself if you're holding onto hopes that she may take you back.  I see no clues of that in what she said.  

[Beachead]

@CapCrunchFla

Hey OP,

On 4/28/2020 at 2:25 PM, CapCrunchFla said:

Anyway, she replied saying:

"It's great that you're being so understanding and willing to accept your own mistakes, I think you have dealt with this really well and maturely. I'm happy to talk if that's what you need".

No idea what to make of this, it's hard not to try and read between the lines.

Any opinions on what she might mean?

Cheers everyone

There are no lines to really read between here.  This just looks like the response of someone who is replying to a message you sent her...out of respect only. She's offering an an ear, yes..but it doesn't seem to imply anything romantic.   I wouldn't take her up on her offer though because you're fresh out of a breakup.  You very likely are carrying hope and feelings that you aren't aware of just yet.  It's going to take anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months of her not contacting you, for this breakup to start feeling real.  Only then, will you start beginning to heal because you'll be processing reality, not hope.  Its a slow process.  The last thing you need is to have her in your life, as some kind of ex-girlfriend therapist, holding your heart hostage.  You won't get over her and thus, you won't consider someone new, because you haven't let go of her.  That'll be a disservice to you. 

While you're doing that to yourself, she'll be searching for someone new.   By ending it with you, she is choosing to be with someone else, whether she's met him already or not.  That's what a breakup really means.  Its just hard to accept that immediately, so we hide behind "friendship" to cushion the sudden impact.  But if you stick around, you'll watch her fall in love with someone else while you're slowly being pushed out of her life.   You're not one of the girls.  You're not a guy friend.  You're not her boyfriend.  And you're not family.  You'll just be an ex..and no new boyfriend of hers is going to be cool with ex boyfriends lingering around as a threat.

People don't decide to breakup over night.  The decision is pondered on for weeks/months until the person finally pulls the trigger and by the time the do, they know its what they want.  Don't underestimate it.   Now that doesn't mean there's no hope, but if she decides she wants to give it a second chance, she'll find a way to contact you.  But right here, right now, you have to assume, she knew what she wanted, and this thing is over for good and you have proceed accordingly, for your well-being and your future. 

So give her what she wants.  She wanted to end it..walk away.   Don't slum around her.  Don't message her.   She doesn't need to know what you're going through, or what you're learned.  She doesn't need to see you vulnerable.   Create space and distance for yourself to help yourself grieve in peace.  You should do this by removing her from social media.   You can delete her number and write it down on a sheet of paper and move it out of your sight as well.  Box her things such as gifts, pictures and possessions and transfer digital pics of you and her off of your phone, where you won't see it.  Basically, the idea is out-of-sight, out-of-mind.  

Talk to family,  trusted friends, people on here.  Anyone but her.  She's not your friend.   

Stay strong

- Beach

Edited April 30, 2020 by Beachead

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/29/2020 at 2:19 AM, CapCrunchFla said:

Which adult that was in love, telling me apart of her wants me to convince her to stay, would move on after a week?

Barring something quite serious like cheating or abuse, people generally don't break up with someone they're genuinely in love with, OP. If she really wanted to stay, well, she would have. 

I think she told you some things in a misguided attempt to soften the blow for you. She sounds a bit young and inexperienced with these things, but the most important take-away is that she wanted out. She started moving on before she actually ended it, in that her feelings must've already changed to such a degree that she couldn't continue the relationship. 

[CapCrunchFla]

So just to update, I didn't see your replies before the call, if I did then I may have changed my mind.

So the call, well, it was eye opening to a certain degree:

She told me that she started having thoughts about ending things just under a month before the BU. When the BU happened, she loved me still but wasn't in love any more.

She respected my message, and how I can see the mistakes I made. She admitted that the person I was before I lost the job that really made me become dependable on her (we were only dating for 4 weeks by then) is someone she hardy remembers, as for the other 9 months we were together, the person she ever really knew was the person who became more and more dependable on her.

It really was circumstances of the job that led me to be suffocating (hardly any but was suffocating when she needed space most) and dependent on her for happiness, as I've never been like that in any if my previous relationships, but I got the feeling she's choosing not to believe it. 

She told me that even if I didn't become the dependent-on-her/suffocating person I did, she still believed we'd end up breaking up, and do you want to know her reason? Because I would be dependable on her and suffocating. I understand why she'd say that, as the only person she really knew was that person but still it's sounds like it's from the point of view who doesn't think people can make mistakes if the other person wasn't hurt.

It's one of those things where I know that the person she sees me as isn't me because of my life before her and also because I handled my job loss situation badly, but she only ever really knew me as the person that she ended things with. This is what she said on the phone to which I agreed with her. I asked her if you think people can make mistakes, learn and become their better selves.

I don't know if it's her lack of experience in the dating scene (I was her first relationship and love), her stubbornness or that she actually believes it, but she went on saying how she would rather lock the door and throw away the key of the option of even being open to chat to me in more than just ima friend way ever again, rather than to ever be open to talking with no expectations. She then went on telling me how she's been doing everything amazing in her life since the break up (which was 9 days ago) and that she's pretty much moved. Altogether the way she was saying it, she was trying to convince herself she's moved on. I mean if the breakup was peaceful which it was, where there was no cheating or abuse, why would you be so cold and so forceful that you've moved on. 

Remember, she initiated contact all but once (the once my end was the king message about what I learned that led to the call), and with all contact, I only ever replied once to her, never begging, pleading or even asking for another shot.

The call was enough for me to not try and fight for her back, or hope for her back. I'm just confused with who this girl has become, because she was never like this in the relationship.

It comes across that she's just buried all her emotion. Is it possible for a dumper to do that when there was once love, and no pain dealt to them by the dumpee? And if so then why would she, is it naivety, lack of experience or something else? 

Edited April 30, 2020 by CapCrunchFla

[ExpatInItaly]

31 minutes ago, CapCrunchFla said:

Altogether the way she was saying it, she was trying to convince herself she's moved on. I mean if the breakup was peaceful which it was, where there was no cheating or abuse, why would you be so cold and so forceful that you've moved on. 

Because she's trying to make you understand that she doesn't want to try again. She isn't trying to convince herself; she's trying to convince you. 

Just like how you can't change the way you feel about her, she can't change the way she feels about you. I don't believe she's trying to suppress a desire to be with you. What I see is that she's trying in the kindest way possible to get you to accept that it's over. She doesn't hold any ill will towards you and probably still cares about you as a friend but the romantic feelings are gone. 

I know it hurts a lot. I know you want to change her mind. But it sometimes really is out of our hands and we can't do anything more. You can see that her position has not changed. Now that you've said your bit, it's time to work on acceptance and healing.