Dumper agrees to talk. What does she mean?

[Beachead]

@CapCrunchFla

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It comes across that she's just buried all her emotion. Is it possible for a dumper to do that when there was once love, and no pain dealt to them by the dumpee? And if so then why would she, is it naivety, lack of experience or something else? 

When people choose to breakup, its not a overnight decision.  They think about it for weeks/months.  It starts off as a small seed of doubt about whether they want to be in this/or not and it grows into a massive need to just get away.  You may not even realize something is wrong until the very end, because they may hide it.  They hide it, because they're no longer interested in working things out.  They themselves, may not be ready to admit that to themselves, so it takes time for them to get there.  Sometimes they may feel guilt for keeping it hidden.  They may feel guilt because they may treat you badly at times because of their feelings. They may deal with the doubt of whether they're doing the right thing as leaving you means, they'll have venture out into the world, single again.  They slowly work through all of these conflicting emotions.  By the time the person pulls the trigger and ends it, they've done all there "Getting over you" in the relationship, and they know what they want and why they ended it. 

For you it's sudden.  It's shocking.   You're trying to understand what happened.  You're trying to fix things.  You're still in the mentality that this can be resolved.  But she on the hand, is likely relieved this is all over.   She's ready to move forward as fast as she can and put this behind her.  Hearing from you after the breakup is the last thing she wants as a result.  That's why her response is so cold and dry.

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She told me that even if I didn't become the dependent-on-her/suffocating person I did, she still believed we'd end up breaking up, and do you want to know her reason? Because I would be dependable on her and suffocating. I understand why she'd say that, as the only person she really knew was that person but still it's sounds like it's from the point of view who doesn't think people can make mistakes if the other person wasn't hurt.

It's one of those things where I know that the person she sees me as isn't me because of my life before her and also because I handled my job loss situation badly, but she only ever really knew me as the person that she ended things with. This is what she said on the phone to which I agreed with her. I asked her if you think people can make mistakes, learn and become their better selves.

 

She attributes her leaving to you losing your job and smothering her but let me ask you this..did she ever bring up these issues/concerns IN the relationship?    

-  Beach

Edited April 30, 2020 by Beachead

[assertives]

5 hours ago, CapCrunchFla said:

she only ever really knew me as the person that she ended things with. This is what she said on the phone to which I agreed with her. I asked her if you think people can make mistakes, learn and become their better selves.

Frankly, this is enough for her to make a judgement call on whether she wants to continue in a relationship with someone. It's often said that you date someone for who they are now, and not the person they could potentially they could be. She's not liking what she's seeing now, and doesn't want to continue, and hence she's calling it quits. There are way too many people staying and hanging on in relationships that are no longer working for them hoping that things will change or get better. Your ex likely understands clearly what she wants/do not want.

6 hours ago, CapCrunchFla said:

I mean if the breakup was peaceful which it was, where there was no cheating or abuse, why would you be so cold and so forceful that you've moved on. 

Probably because she believes in a clean break, and not necessarily because she's intentionally wanting to be hurtful or that the breakup wasn't peaceful and without drama. If she was still warm and loving towards you, it will likely confuse you further. She doesn't want to string you along. 

6 hours ago, CapCrunchFla said:

It comes across that she's just buried all her emotion. Is it possible for a dumper to do that when there was once love, and no pain dealt to them by the dumpee? And if so then why would she, is it naivety, lack of experience or something else? 

I don't think it's anything to do with naivety or lack of experience. It sounds like she's made her mind up, and really meant it when she wanted to breakup. She has processed her feelings surrounding the end of the relationship and has decided that chapter is closed, so she's doing whatever is necessary to move forward. I actually thought her approach was very mature of her. She actually sounds like a no nonsense, go-getter, without all the hot-cold, push-pull, on-off drama that we sometimes see on this board.

It seems sudden and cold to you because to you, the breakup probably came out of nowhere. But for her, she has had enough time to think about, evaluate, decide and accept that it's over for her.

You should move on too.

[CapCrunchFla]

4 hours ago, Beachead said:

@CapCrunchFla

She attributes her leaving to you losing your job and smothering her but let me ask you this..did she ever bring up these issues/concerns IN the relationship?    

-  Beach

Hi Beach,

She was really supportive of me when losing my job, and all the way through til I got my latest job.

To be fair she never said it direct to me but looking back, she definitely hinted at it.

In the breakup she did say that she struggles with communication so it must of been hard for me to hear these issues she had as she didn't communicate how it affected her when we were together

[Beachead]

@CapCrunchFla

That's good she was supportive but I hope you know that the end wasn't all your doing.   She contributed to it as well via poor communication.  Maybe if you had known the seriousness of how she felt, you would have worked on changing certain things, but because she exactly address her concerns to clearly, you didn't have much of a chance to try.  Its almost like sabotaging the success of the relationship.  Now that could be:

1.  Inexperience on her part which is unintentional.

2. A sign she probably lost interest in salvaging the relationship and became more committed to leaving.  By setting up the conditions for things to fail, she gave herself an excuse to walk away.  Sometimes that's intentional, sometimes not.

All in all though, its very good you've acknowledged your own contributions to the breakup, but just know it wasn't all you.

- Beach

 

[CapCrunchFla]

41 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@CapCrunchFla

That's good she was supportive but I hope you know that the end wasn't all your doing.   She contributed to it as well via poor communication.  Maybe if you had known the seriousness of how she felt, you would have worked on changing certain things, but because she exactly address her concerns to clearly, you didn't have much of a chance to try.  Its almost like sabotaging the success of the relationship.  Now that could be:

1.  Inexperience on her part which is unintentional.

2. A sign she probably lost interest in salvaging the relationship and became more committed to leaving.  By setting up the conditions for things to fail, she gave herself an excuse to walk away.  Sometimes that's intentional, sometimes not.

All in all though, its very good you've acknowledged your own contributions to the breakup, but just know it wasn't all you.

- Beach

 

Even though the call was only yesterday, the rose tinted glasses of her are slowly coming off, I can feel them slipping off my nose.

She's never been in a relationship before, and the longest she's ever dated someone before me was 2 months so I think the first one is what probably contributed to her issues with clarity and communication. 

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise I've realised her own problems now rather than down the line haha!

[CapCrunchFla]

I just wanted to add that is was nice hearing her say that if we were younger or older then we would have worked. I agreed with her and now I think about things, we had different things changing in our lives. Also the coronavirus made us attempt living together to isolate but that didn't help us with her need for space.

Our relationship just wasn't ready for the next step, which would have been moving in as both of our own rent contracts would have expired roughly at the same time in a couple of months time.

[ExpatInItaly]

Hopefully you got the closure you needed from this last conversation with her. 

Now you can truly concentrate on letting her go and moving forward.