How to walk away from someone you love

[dinkydahlia]

Query query

Do you tell them everything you feel about the relationship that you haven't shared before, or do you just walk away and hope they come back?

[stillafool]

Whether to tell them why you are walking away depends on how long you've been a couple and the circumstances.  If you walk away don't expect them to chase you.  Why would they come back if you were the one to walk away?  It would be up to you to come back to them.

[dinkydahlia]

Because he wouldnt fully commit. So i said i couldnt continue. There's a little more backstory I can type later on my PC.

We were on and off over a couple years, a long distance thing.

[preraph]

Well, I'm sure he has an idea then why you would be walking away, so what you're really asking is can I twist his arm into commitment.  Does he love you enough to commit even though he's not ready?  No.  And that wouldn't be a secure commitment if you had to coerce him into it.  If you feel you've wasted enough time, leave and don't look back.  The fact it's long distance, if you two haven't had more than a couple weeks' seeing each other in person, this isn't even a real relationship.  Long distance does not work and isn't real.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

Query query

Do you tell them everything you feel about the relationship that you haven't shared before, or do you just walk away and hope they come back?

Walk away with absolutely no expectations of anything. It's way easier to process the disappointment when there are no lingering expectations. That's what prevents healing to take place in a swifter fashion.

Quote

Because he wouldnt fully commit.

He won't fully commit --and have it stick-- if it's not his idea that committing would benefit him in the first place.  He'd come back for every reason other than his own volition and pretty soon, he'll be backing out once again because the idea didn't originate with him. He'd be doing it to maintain a status quo he doesn't want to commit to.

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by kendahke

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

Because he wouldnt fully commit. So i said i couldnt continue. There's a little more backstory I can type later on my PC.

We were on and off over a couple years, a long distance thing.

I don't blame you for moving on if he won't commit especially if marriage and kids are your goal.  I would give it a month and if he doesn't change his mind start dating others and don't look back.  I've found that as soon as you're involved with someone new guess who shows up?

[preraph]

Yeah, but just long enough to run off the competition.

[preraph]

But yeah, Stillafool, dating is always the right thing to do in a similar situation.  They may not want you, but it's real common for them not to want anyone else to have you.  Men have married for that very reason, though I doubt they made the best partners.  

I had a recalcitrant love interest long ago who would never really leave and always coming around and not even having sex (he had ED but I didn't know it at the time) but he drove me nuts because he wouldn't go that next step.  But if he saw me with another guy looking chummy, like holding hands across a table or something, he would go nuts.  And then one time my mom was coming to town and I didn't want him dropping by unannounced as usual (to be fair, I didn't have a phone except at work across the street from where I lived), so I just let him know, Hey, my mom's going to be in town, so I will be tied up with her for a few days.  And what did he do?  He put on some decent clothes and came over unannounced and would not leave all night.  My mom just went on and went to bed.  I still don't know what that was about, but he apparently wanted to mark his territory one way or the other.  My poor mom.  

[alphamale]

3 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

Query query

Do you tell them everything you feel about the relationship that you haven't shared before, or do you just walk away and hope they come back?

well...generally I walk away and hope they don't come back

[dinkydahlia]

Wow thank you for taking the time to reply to me.  I'm so happy there are people there who can help give me an opinion.

I'll try and keep this short.

- we met on a dating site and both of us were looking for fun and not a relationship.  It turned into more after we'd met up. We both changed our minds then he bottled it.

-couple of years dating others, trying to be friends, walking away - you get the picture.  We bonded over single parenthood.

- during this time I went through several difficult events, as did he, and we both supported each other.  

- we met up last summer which confirmed for me how I really felt, and I drew the line and spelt out how I felt and what I wanted.  He said he felt the same but couldn't do it because he's 'selfish' and needs to pursue work and can't have anybody distract him from it or ever break his mental peace again.  So I said fine and goodbye.  

- five months later I saw something we had a joke about and sent him a pic.  We got talking.  He said he never wanted to lose me and wanted to try again.  He said he hated it when I walked away from him and it hurt.  

- he was constantly in touch over Christmas as he'd had to fly the other side of the world to be with his ex and take his son with him.  Then he had to leave his son there, for good.  Pretty traumatic.  He said when he got back he wanted to come down and stay with me, which he'd never done before.

- he didn't come.  An event happened with work, but he wanted to reschedule.  Which was fine.  Except 2 weeks later he hadn't called to reschedule, only messaged saying he's busy but wanted to talk.  So we did.  He was incredibly apologetic etc.  It wasn't enough for me so I said I'd had enough and wanted space and distance between us as I felt nothing would come of this.  He cried, I cried then I said I couldn't talk any more.  He messaged the next day asking to talk, then I ended up being admitted to hospital for a few days and couldn't message him.  Anyway.  By the time we talked, he just said he agreed with me.  Then ignored me since.

-I specifically said I wanted to be loosely in touch, so have messaged him  every week or so the last two months.  At the beginning, I was very emotional after coming out of hospital for a few weeks, and messaged him saying I wanted to talk.  He refused.  I kept sending little messages every few weeks until he messaged asking why I was staying in touch and all he'd done was respect my decision and agree with me.

-I asked yesterday if he'd catch up with me but he's refusing, and I told him I miss him.  He merely repeated his last message saying I'd told him what was best and he is just respecting my decision.  

 

So the reason I've come here to ask opinions is that it's been a topsy turvy few years.  He's been non-committal, and I've walked away twice now after cutting him off once.  I struggle with him telling me that he feels the same as me but he can't commit to me.  He has never been able to have relationships and won't commit to anyone.  He wouldn't commit to his ex even when she was expecting.  

 

Anyway.  My question is, I'm great at hiding everything.  My ex-husband lovingly referred to me as Teflon.  I have expressed how much I care about him but haven't gone into much detail.  I guess I feel like I want to get things off my chest - I've been a wally to him at times too.  I guess I feel like I should walk away and not send that one last email, but I really want to send one so he fully knows how I feel.

 

Do I send it?  Please and thank you xxx

[preraph]

He doesn't want a real relationship where he has any obligations. She wasn't even there when you were in the hospital. So you can't tell me that he's keeping up with you very well. 

 

He misses you when it's convenient. And he tells you to go away when it's not. Since you can't seem to get past him emotionally, I think you're going to have to go no contact so that you can make a new start was someone else. He doesn't want you or he would have locked you down by now.

 

Were you doing some child care for him? Is that what you meant by being single parents is what you had in common? Because you don't have that anymore.

Edited April 29, 2020 by preraph

[dinkydahlia]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

He doesn't want a real relationship where he has any obligations. She wasn't even there when you were in the hospital. So you can't tell me that he's keeping up with you very well. 

 

He misses you when it's convenient. And he tells you to go away when it's not. Since you can't seem to get past him emotionally, I think you're going to have to go no contact so that you can make a new start was someone else. He doesn't want you or he would have locked you down by now.

Thanks.  I do kind of agree, and then last year threw me off.  To be fair, I didn't tell him I'd gone to hospital until a while after I was discharged.  I felt guilty saying I'd love to talk but hey I'm just being rushed to hospital!  As if he had been, I'd have been worried and maybe wanted to help.  When I eventually told him, he was suspicious I was saying it to make him feel sorry for me.  As his ex had a long history of playing victim.  I don't ask for help, and I keep things to myself usually.  I do wish I'd given him the chance to be there.

He's even said he's never been able to deal with obligation, and that's what a real relationship entails.  I can't disagree.

I don't understand why I'm so emotionally attached.  I've spent lots of time dating around, and I cannot find anyone I relate to like him.

[dinkydahlia]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

He doesn't want a real relationship where he has any obligations. She wasn't even there when you were in the hospital. So you can't tell me that he's keeping up with you very well. 

 

He misses you when it's convenient. And he tells you to go away when it's not. Since you can't seem to get past him emotionally, I think you're going to have to go no contact so that you can make a new start was someone else. He doesn't want you or he would have locked you down by now.

I do want to go no contact, there is no other way.  But I kind of want to let him into all the things I held back from and unload, as it were.  Is this a bad idea?

[stillafool]

You could block him and then send a letter to unload all the things you have held back.  That's better anyway because he can't interrupt you and he'd be blocked so he can't reach you.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

Do you tell them everything you feel about the relationship that you haven't shared before, or do you just walk away and hope they come back?

Since you have never actually told him how you feel, you need to do that before you just walk away.  Walking away without telling him what you are thinking & hoping he can read your mind is foolish.  It won't happen.  If you want something, speak up.  

14 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said:

He's even said he's never been able to deal with obligation, and that's what a real relationship entails. 

Since you have done the on again off again yo yo thing you already know that doesn't work.  What you have failed to grasp is that he's already told you he is incapable or unwilling to give you what you want.  You can talk until you are blue on the face & continue to waste your time on this dead end but he's never going to change.   You break up.  Then you give in & come back.  He is OK with you doing all the work & chasing him.  He likes you in his life on his terms -- not committed so he lets you back in.  You allow this roller coaster to roll on. 

So talk to him but then stick to your guns.  If you break up but then come back again, he will own you.  He will always know that he doesn't have to give you what you want because your behavior shows you will always settle for the crumbs he does offer.  

[dinkydahlia]

4 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You could block him and then send a letter to unload all the things you have held back.  That's better anyway because he can't interrupt you and he'd be blocked so he can't reach you.

Thank you, that's a great suggestion.

[dinkydahlia]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you have never actually told him how you feel, you need to do that before you just walk away.  Walking away without telling him what you are thinking & hoping he can read your mind is foolish.  It won't happen.  If you want something, speak up.  

Since you have done the on again off again yo yo thing you already know that doesn't work.  What you have failed to grasp is that he's already told you he is incapable or unwilling to give you what you want.  You can talk until you are blue on the face & continue to waste your time on this dead end but he's never going to change.   You break up.  Then you give in & come back.  He is OK with you doing all the work & chasing him.  He likes you in his life on his terms -- not committed so he lets you back in.  You allow this roller coaster to roll on. 

So talk to him but then stick to your guns.  If you break up but then come back again, he will own you.  He will always know that he doesn't have to give you what you want because your behavior shows you will always settle for the crumbs he does offer.  

Ouch, and thank you.  I feel like I have let myself down already.  I try not to think about it, but I often wonder if he just does this for fun, and I also feel like it's partly my fault for not being strong enough.  I feel if I tell him it will make me look weak.  But it will also take away any inclination in the future to talk to him just to tell him something I've forgotten.

This whole situation makes me feel like I am a weak person and if I were stronger and let him chase me then he'd fall in love with me.  I've been feeling low in self esteem since I came out of hospital.  I think it was the inability to look after my daughter while I was sick, and the fact I was alone in hospital in a precarious situation.  Somehow it's knocked my confidence.  

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said:

This whole situation makes me feel like I am a weak person and if I were stronger and let him chase me then he'd fall in love with me. 

Forget that.  You can't trick a guy into falling in love with you.  It's an involuntary emotion.  If he is not giving you what you want you have to give up and move on.  The good news is he isn't the only guy left and there are plenty more.  There is no good reason to waste more time with someone whose feelings don't match yours.  If you stick around too long he will meet someone he wants to get serious with and you will be devastated.

[preraph]

53 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said:

Thanks.  I do kind of agree, and then last year threw me off.  To be fair, I didn't tell him I'd gone to hospital until a while after I was discharged.  I felt guilty saying I'd love to talk but hey I'm just being rushed to hospital!  As if he had been, I'd have been worried and maybe wanted to help.  When I eventually told him, he was suspicious I was saying it to make him feel sorry for me.  As his ex had a long history of playing victim.  I don't ask for help, and I keep things to myself usually.  I do wish I'd given him the chance to be there.

He's even said he's never been able to deal with obligation, and that's what a real relationship entails.  I can't disagree.

I don't understand why I'm so emotionally attached.  I've spent lots of time dating around, and I cannot find anyone I relate to like him.

Just know that there are people you can love but not live or be with because of their flaws.  You can feel attached to him all you want, but he isn't enough into you to even take on a normal relationship, for whatever reason.  If you can love him, with all his flaws, you can love just about anyone!  So you have to start by wanting better for yourself.  

 

There may be some reason you feel comfortable with him and his ways.  Look back to your own family and see if there is anyone else who wasn't "all in" and for whom it was more one way or you loved despite them not being up to par on an acceptable level.  Sometimes we are drawn to people with the same flaws as our childhood family because it is familiar to us and we learned how to navigate those people, so have the skills.  But that doesn't mean that's all we deserve.  In a case like that, you have to get out of your comfort zone and be brave and choose someone who will meet you halfway.  

 

If this guy had a responsible bone in his body and was very invested with you, he'd have known when you went into the hospital or been looking for you there and poked around to find out what was up.  He is irresponsible.  

[dinkydahlia]

45 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Forget that.  You can't trick a guy into falling in love with you.  It's an involuntary emotion.  If he is not giving you what you want you have to give up and move on.  The good news is he isn't the only guy left and there are plenty more.  There is no good reason to waste more time with someone whose feelings don't match yours.  If you stick around too long he will meet someone he wants to get serious with and you will be devastated.

I'm already wondering if that may be the case.....And true, I don't want someone or something that's half hearted.  

[Beachead]

@dinkydahlia

Simply put, you both spent years on this.  Nothing came of it.  That in itself is your answer.  

It's not that he can't commit.  It's that he chooses not to, as in he took a good look at what you brought to the table and what could come out of it, and he decided "Meh, not for me" whether he's willing to accept that or not.   I want to stress that that doesn't mean you're not lovable.  Doesn't mean no one will have you.  His reasons for not committing, have far more to do with him than you and your quality as a partner.  There are many factors that go into why people do what they do and choose what they choose.  Their past, their childhood, their families, their social life, how they view themselves, what they want from themselves an their life.  Just remember, its not just about you and you are not solely responsible for his choice.  That's why when people decide something such as not wanting a relationship with us, the best thing to do is give them what they want, and let go.  We gave our everything up to that point and if everything we were, amount to them making that decision, what more can we do?  It is out of our control.   And no its not easy to just accept that.  It sucks and its horribly difficult because you're not just dealing with your feelings, you're dealing with that feeling of investing so much time and energy, and things not amounting to the result you wanted.  Makes it feel like a waste.  But its not a waste.  Down the road, with enough time alone, you will gain clarity about all of this, and with it you'll learn from it.  

When someone's invested in a future with you, they'll allow it happen.  Things flow organically with minimal resistance.  That person won't do things that risk that potential future with you because they know they'll regret it if they do.   When someone isn't invested, you get what you're getting right now.  Back and forth.  Stagnation.  Confusion.  Frustration. You feel unsure about it because their actions are unsure.  

If you want to email him just to get things off of your chest, go for it..but just make sure you're not doing it to convince him to change his mind.  Another email won't change much.   He had years to commit to you.  He didn't.   That's all you need to know.

- Beach

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by Beachead

[dinkydahlia]

25 minutes ago, preraph said:

Just know that there are people you can love but not live or be with because of their flaws.  You can feel attached to him all you want, but he isn't enough into you to even take on a normal relationship, for whatever reason.  If you can love him, with all his flaws, you can love just about anyone!  So you have to start by wanting better for yourself.  

 

There may be some reason you feel comfortable with him and his ways.  Look back to your own family and see if there is anyone else who wasn't "all in" and for whom it was more one way or you loved despite them not being up to par on an acceptable level.  Sometimes we are drawn to people with the same flaws as our childhood family because it is familiar to us and we learned how to navigate those people, so have the skills.  But that doesn't mean that's all we deserve.  In a case like that, you have to get out of your comfort zone and be brave and choose someone who will meet you halfway.  

 

If this guy had a responsible bone in his body and was very invested with you, he'd have known when you went into the hospital or been looking for you there and poked around to find out what was up.  He is irresponsible.  

Because I'm an idiot I messaged him before going into hospital, telling him I'd be in touch but would be busy for a while.  He had no idea.  But you're 100% right, he is irresponsible.  For so many reasons.  He plays the victim a little, and one thing I can never get over is he chooses his career over his child.  To me that is the ultimate in selfish.

There must be a reason why I'm so comfortable around him.  I rarely let anyone in and keep aloof from people, I find it difficult keeping friends or opening up.  I will have a think about that.  I've never had a relationship with someone who is 100% there for me.  I don't think I know how to meet a nice guy.

I'm writing something to him at the moment, and everything you're all saying is clarifying how I feel.  I know what I want to say, and I want to be decisive.  I can come back to this page when I waver or feel weak.

When I didn't tell him I was in the hospital I knew something was off.  I knew it was a bad sign I didn't want to reach out.

[preraph]

Do you think he would have taken charge and helped you out?  

[dinkydahlia]

1 minute ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

Simply put, you both spent years on this.  Nothing came of it.  That in itself is your answer.  

It's not that he can't commit.  It's that he chooses not to, as in its a choice.  Its a conscious choice at that.  It doesn't mean you're not lovable.  Doesn't mean no one will have you.  His reasons for not committing, have far more to do with him than you and your quality as a partner because there are so many factors that go into why people do what they do and choose what they choose.  Their past, their childhood, their families, their social life, how they view themselves, what they want from themselves an their life.  Just remember, its not just about you and you are not solely responsible for their choices.  So when they decide something such as not wanting a relationship, you give them what they want, and you let go.  And no its not easy.  Its difficult because you're not just dealing with your feelings, you're dealing with that feeling of investing so much time and energy, and things not amounting to the result you wanted.  Makes it feel like a waste.  But its not a waste.  Down the road, with enough time alone, you will gain clarity about all of this, and with it you'll learn from it.  

When someone's invested in a future with you, they'll allow it happen.  Things flow organically with minimal resistance.  That person won't do things that risk that potential future with you because they know they'll regret it if they do.   When someone isn't invested, you get what you're getting right now.  Back and forth.  Stagnation.  Confusion.  Frustration.  It can go on for years.  

If you want to email him just to get things off of your chest, that's okay..but just make sure you're not doing it to try and convince him to change his mind.  Another email won't change much.   He had years to commit to you.  He didn't.   That's all you need to know.

- Beach

 

Hi, thank you for messaging

I'm emailing him to tell him finally how much I really care and how what he has given me is not good enough.  I spent a good few years dating around inbetween talking with him, switching back and forth, enjoying the fun, but ultimately I know I 100% want to settle down and would be happy if he would too.  I accepted all the silliness because I wasn't brave enough to commit either.  He told me every time that he was sorry and felt guilty, and I told him not to feel guilty because it was my choice to be there and remain there.  And it was.  It's my fault too.  Except now I know I want more, so now it's not good enough.

I really don't want to convince anybody of anything, I want the person I want to stand up and show me they want me too.  He never will, and I gave him that last chance and he blew it.

 

You have a lovely way of writing, thank you.

[dinkydahlia]

5 minutes ago, preraph said:

Do you think he would have taken charge and helped you out?  

I've asked myself that, and I think the situation I was in, he would have come.  Whenever I've needed to talk with him, no matter if I've pushed him away, he's always been there.  At the end of the phone though!  Not next to me.