How to walk away from someone you love

[Beachead]

@dinkydahlia

Quote

I really don't want to convince anybody of anything, I want the person I want to stand up and show me they want me too.  He never will, and I gave him that last chance and he blew it.

Good.  So then you're going to have block all avenues of communication with him. You two can't be friends.    There are feelings there and behind feelings lie expectation.  Hopes.  Ulterior motives.   This soils friendships making them insincere, complicated things.  You need to unlearn all the habits you've practiced yourself into over the years, regarding him and you can only do that on your own, without him in your face, on your phone, on your social media etc.  It will take time.  It'll be difficult.  What will help you through it will be writing.  Writing out why this situation was never going to work out.  The things he did that were hurtful and the events that led to you calling it quits.  Everytime you get weak, read it.  It'll be your guide.   While you do that, continue to live your life and let yourself feel your pain freely, when it comes.  As time passes on, it'll get better.  Just be patient.

- Beach

[d0nnivain]

Do NOT email him.  This stuff is too important & too emotional.  Do a video conference & talk face to face.  If you can't do that, use the voice feature of your phone.  You need all the non-verbal communication.  

I apologize for my blunt / direct communication style.  That is just me. I'm not trying to hurt you. 

That said, being weak doesn't make you bad, wrong or less than.  Everybody has things where they aren't at their best.  But you have to be stronger here.  I know that is hard. 

I was in a relationship for about 10 years.  We lived together for 9.  He would not commit.  It was the source of recurrent fights / disagreements but I loved him.  He loved me too & was giving me all he had,  but couldn't or wouldn't give me a greater commitment.  I put up with it for over a decade & made myself increasingly miserable in the process because I wasn't being true to myself.  Eventually I finally found the courage in myself to walk away for good.  It's almost 20 years later & he's still single while I'm happily married.  

Getting out of that situation where I was constantly doubting myself wondering why I was settling for half a loaf did wonders for my self esteem.  The luxury of time & distance helped me realize it wasn't me.  

[dinkydahlia]

1 minute ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

Good.  So then you're going to have block all avenues of communication with him. You two can't be friends.    There are feelings there and behind feelings lie expectation.  Hopes.  Ulterior motives.   This soils friendships making them insincere, complicated things.  You need to unlearn all the habits you've practiced yourself into over the years, regarding him and you can only do that on your own, without him in your face, on your phone, on your social media etc.  It will take time.  It'll be difficult.  What will help you through it will be writing.  Writing out why this situation was never going to work out.  The things he did that were hurtful and the events that led to you calling it quits.  Everytime you get weak, read it.  It'll be your guide.   While you do that, continue to live your life and let yourself feel your pain freely, when it comes.  As time passes on, it'll get better.  Just be patient.

- Beach

I've always told him we'll never be friends.  He always wanted to be, and that's why I walked away instead.  Although clearly I muddied the water in returning.  In fact the last time I cut him off he blocked me from all his social media and left only his phone and messaging open as an avenue of communication.  I can't see his social media which has always helped.

I learned a lot about myself from him so am still grateful for this experience, I clearly have more lessons to learn.  One of them being writing, which is possibly a great idea.  It's one thing that helps me stop ruminating on things forever.  I do look forward to it getting better, I'll try and be patient. 

[dinkydahlia]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Do NOT email him.  This stuff is too important & too emotional.  Do a video conference & talk face to face.  If you can't do that, use the voice feature of your phone.  You need all the non-verbal communication.  

I apologize for my blunt / direct communication style.  That is just me. I'm not trying to hurt you. 

That said, being weak doesn't make you bad, wrong or less than.  Everybody has things where they aren't at their best.  But you have to be stronger here.  I know that is hard. 

I was in a relationship for about 10 years.  We lived together for 9.  He would not commit.  It was the source of recurrent fights / disagreements but I loved him.  He loved me too & was giving me all he had,  but couldn't or wouldn't give me a greater commitment.  I put up with it for over a decade & made myself increasingly miserable in the process because I wasn't being true to myself.  Eventually I finally found the courage in myself to walk away for good.  It's almost 20 years later & he's still single while I'm happily married.  

Getting out of that situation where I was constantly doubting myself wondering why I was settling for half a loaf did wonders for my self esteem.  The luxury of time & distance helped me realize it wasn't me.  

Wow.  10 years.  And you made such a big change and changed the whole course of your life.  Congratulations on being happily married, that's what being a strong person gets you.  That must have been one hell of a decision to make, and you must have doubted yourself so very much and wondered if you were doing the right thing.  Thanks for sharing that with me x

[d0nnivain]

It certainly wasn't easy.  What we had was good.  I just kept thinking I wanted more & he kept telling me a marriage license was just a piece of paper.  He made me feel like I was the one who was crazy.  

I probably cried for a year after I broke up with him.  My life was different without him. Different is scary.  I get that.  

Still it's time to communicate your desires in a manner as close to in person as possible.  You can write out notes / talking points if you need them but do not try to resolve this in writing.  Trying to write this stuff practically guarantees failure.   

[dinkydahlia]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It certainly wasn't easy.  What we had was good.  I just kept thinking I wanted more & he kept telling me a marriage license was just a piece of paper.  He made me feel like I was the one who was crazy.  

I probably cried for a year after I broke up with him.  My life was different without him. Different is scary.  I get that.  

Still it's time to communicate your desires in a manner as close to in person as possible.  You can write out notes / talking points if you need them but do not try to resolve this in writing.  Trying to write this stuff practically guarantees failure.   

I've messaged him. And will see if he replies. He'll know why I want to talk. Thank you, I'll sleep better tonight having heard from you all. I feel more sure of myself now.

[Realitysux]

Tell. Put it all on the table. Now, looking back, I wish I would have been more honest about my feelings. I wish I just put everything on the table and let him know. I didn't and I wasn't able to let go at all. Then he came back but not as himself and he rejected me. I became angry because it wasn't him and I having a conversation, other people were talking to me and then him. I felt like I didn't have a fair chance so I just told him to get lost. From my experience, tell them. If I could go back, I would have said it instead of dragging it on for so long and never sharing how I felt. At work, I can be there but absent because I'm thinking about this. Just say it and let it go. That's my new motto! 

[Realitysux]

I would also say it to their face, especially if you're like me and can't type well these days. Good luck! I should have done that a long time ago. 

[kendahke]

5 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

Do I send it? But I kind of want to let him into all the things I held back from and unload, as it were.  Is this a bad idea?

It's a very bad idea that can end up hurting you because he's not prepared or interested in telling you what you want to hear.  Nothing you can say is going to change his mind--it'll only be seen as yet another woman trying to manipulate him.

It won't bring what you're imagining.

He's been quite clear with you on what his limitations are.  It's time to start believing him instead of what you're telling yourself he means. 

 

 

Edited April 30, 2020 by kendahke

[Realitysux]

2 hours ago, kendahke said:

It's a very bad idea that can end up hurting you because he's not prepared or interested in telling you what you want to hear.  Nothing you can say is going to change his mind--it'll only be seen as yet another woman trying to manipulate him.

It won't bring what you're imagining.

He's been quite clear with you on what his limitations are.  It's time to start believing him instead of what you're telling yourself he means. 

 

 

You don't know that. They could be very sorry 🥺

Edited April 30, 2020 by Realitysux

[dinkydahlia]

6 hours ago, kendahke said:

It's a very bad idea that can end up hurting you because he's not prepared or interested in telling you what you want to hear.  Nothing you can say is going to change his mind--it'll only be seen as yet another woman trying to manipulate him.

It won't bring what you're imagining.

He's been quite clear with you on what his limitations are.  It's time to start believing him instead of what you're telling yourself he means. 

 

 

I did say I'm not trying to change his mind.  We've both been upfront from the beginning.  It was never supposed to be more than fun.  We kept coming back to each other. He's always been very clear that he's not built for relationships (big old back story) but he can't see life without me there.  I've always been very clear that I will never be his friend and that if he misleads me in any way I will walk away.  We've discussed a million times and cried, we don't want to lose each other but I won't be a friend and he won't be a partner.  We both know what that means, and know now is the time to do it.  He's apologised a million times, but I don't accept it because he's always been upfront and truthful with me.  I believe what he says and I also believe if there was enough there he couldn't walk away.  So I'm not really losing anything by walking away.  Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell though.  I've dated others since we did our first official split.  Literally nobody understands me the way he does or makes me feel so comfortable.  Why is that so hard?

I felt guilty as well for pushing him when he'd already told me.  Hence why there is a lot n my heart I've held back from him and never told him.  Now is the time to let it go of it all.  To be fair to him too, most guys would say well I know what's going to be said and we're not together so I don't need to listen to this, but he has always been there and always has time for me no matter what it is.  I appreciate him for that.

I believe what he says is true, I just also believe there are feelings there too.  My head is not as strong as my heart, but now's the time it's going to be.

[elaine567]

14 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

By the time we talked, he just said he agreed with me.  Then ignored me since.
-I specifically said I wanted to be loosely in touch, so have messaged him  every week or so the last two months.  At the beginning, I was very emotional after coming out of hospital for a few weeks, and messaged him saying I wanted to talk.  He refused.  I kept sending little messages every few weeks until he messaged asking why I was staying in touch and all he'd done was respect my decision and agree with me.
-I asked yesterday if he'd catch up with me but he's refusing, and I told him I miss him.  He merely repeated his last message saying I'd told him what was best and he is just respecting my decision.  

^^^This is a man who is done with you.
You need to leave him alone.

Never get into relationships with men "just for fun".
What happens is that women usually get invested, fall in love and want "more".
Men don't. They enter into such relationships because they DON'T want to get involved.
And if they do, they don't usually want to get seriously involved with a woman who is happy with "just fun".

Here, you care and you are projecting YOUR feelings onto him.

[Realitysux]

This guy told me to move on and gave me relationship advice, I made it seem like I was a player (a good one too  ) to avoid loosing him repeatedly. I'm actually not like that at all. I wish I presented myself differently so he would have seen me in a different light 😔

I'm coming from a different perspective with this. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by Realitysux

[dinkydahlia]

36 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

^^^This is a man who is done with you.
You need to leave him alone.

Never get into relationships with men "just for fun".
What happens is that women usually get invested, fall in love and want "more".
Men don't. They enter into such relationships because they DON'T want to get involved.
And if they do, they don't usually want to get seriously involved with a woman who is happy with "just fun".

Here, you care and you are projecting YOUR feelings onto him.

when we met I'd just got divorced and was losing my mum to cancer.  We met through a site which you can get groups of people together for nights out.  I was looking for a gig partner.  He was looking for the hot kind of fun.  We quickly established that we wanted different things, so said goodbye. 

Then he got back in touch saying he'd loved chatting and wanted to continue if I did.  He was great to talk to and we'd spent hours on the phone, so I agreed. That's the kind of fun I mean - actual fun to do with connecting, sharing your day and sharing jokes but nothing more.  Sorry but unattached fun doesn't float my boat.  Am I missing out?! Ha ha. 

Over the years I've known him I've always said I'm either a relationship or nothing.  I've always said the same.  I was slacker at the beginning, because we segued into a relationship where we shared our entire day together - cooking on video, eating 'together', sharing everyday life. 

He agreed to a relationship, it didn't last long, he wanted out.  Which I agreed to.  And walked away.  He wanted me back.  You can see where I'm going with this. 

Over the years I've learned to be stricter with boundaries and be upfront and not compromise when it comes to us being 'friends'.  We're at the end of this now.  We can't both get what we want, we don't want to lose each other but we need to. We get close, then put a stop on things.  Then one of us gets in touch.  I

'm a slow learner, I get it.  Although there are reasons, and they are the last couple years of my life have been the most traumatic.  I've become a single mum, been cheated on and divorced my ex, found out I can no longer have children, moved house, nursed my mum and eventually lost her.  I get it, most people go through these things, I've occasionally become lost though.  I need to strengthen my commitment to myself and stand up again on my own.  

 

[dinkydahlia]

24 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

This guy told me to move on and gave me relationship advice, I made it seem like I was a player (a good one too  ) to avoid loosing him repeatedly. I'm actually not like that at all. I wish I presented myself differently so he would have seen me in a different light 😔

I'm coming from a different perspective with this. 

I've done this before too, and hated myself at the end for not sticking to my guns.  It's hard isn't it, when you think you're doing the best thing and then you have regrets.  If I've learned one thing I've learned I can't handle regret.  I'm a sucker for nostalgia and a romantic - uh oh a bad mix in dating times today! ha ha x

[dinkydahlia]

So for anyone wanting a followup, I've heard from him this morning.  I asked to talk face to face but he wont now.  He says I need to move on.  Which is true, but I'm surprised by the coolness of it as he's usually kind and empathetic.  But anyway, he says isolation has made him realise what he really wants and needs and he enjoys being on his own, and has asked me to email him instead and he'll respond.

So I'm gonna send the email with kind thoughts and say goodbye, and then block him as suggested.  

I'll write my email, I'm so sad but know it's the right thing and it's time for me to start moving towards making something real for myself.  We only live what we create for ourselves, someone said the other day you grow what you focus on, so I think I need to get a list of things I can focus on other than my feelings!

Thank you all for your input, ideas and advice, it's appreciated.

[d0nnivain]

Quote

 

I'm sorry he won't even hear you out.  But since his mind is made up do not send the heartfelt email you want to send.  Go ahead & write that long one because you need to get it out but NEVER send it to him.  

Instead your email to him needs to be something along the lines of 

I was disappointed that you won't even talk .  I had hoped that we could come to an understanding.  I appreciate you being candid with me even though it's not what I wanted to hear.  Be well  Best wishes moving forward.  Goodbye.  

If you write more then 5-6 sentences, pour out our feelings or worse, grovel, all you are doing is turning yourself into a doormat

As much as the pain hurts right now, there is happiness on the other side.  I'm sorry about your mom.  I hope your own health improves (you had said something about being in the hospital).  

[Realitysux]

I'm sorry, I might be in the same boat, haven't heard from him directly yet but it doesn't look good for me either. 

[preraph]

I certainly wouldn't flatter him in this last email by saying how much you love and adore him. I would just say goodbye because I don't think he cares about the details at this point. 

 

Change is nearly always good. This will free you up for something better. I say leave with your dignity intact and just block him.

[Beachead]

@dinkydahlia

5 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

So for anyone wanting a followup, I've heard from him this morning.  I asked to talk face to face but he wont now.  He says I need to move on.  Which is true, but I'm surprised by the coolness of it as he's usually kind and empathetic.  But anyway, he says isolation has made him realise what he really wants and needs and he enjoys being on his own, and has asked me to email him instead and he'll respond.

So I'm gonna send the email with kind thoughts and say goodbye, and then block him as suggested.  

I'll write my email, I'm so sad but know it's the right thing and it's time for me to start moving towards making something real for myself.  We only live what we create for ourselves, someone said the other day you grow what you focus on, so I think I need to get a list of things I can focus on other than my feelings!

Thank you all for your input, ideas and advice, it's appreciated.

From a logical and practical standpoint, I don't recommend it.  From a healing standpoint, I get it.   So if you feel like you still need to write and send the email for you, then do it.  But once its sent, send no more.  It ends there.  He may or may not reply to you and the best you may get is a cold response.  It'll hurt.   

Once upon a time, after my ex broke up with me, I held on for 5 months afterwards, hoping we could reconcile.  Living in that hope put me in an emotional limbo where I was stuck and my mental-health slowly disintegrated as the months went on, because I knew I was lying to myself.  Eventually I couldn't hold on anymore and I knew I had to let go and move on, for myself.  I already had all the answers I needed, but I needed to hear her actually tell me certain things.  So one night I got her to call me and she did just that. I cried.  I loathed myself.  It was ugly.  But then we hung up and I fell asleep and the next morning, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  It took a lot of time to heal from it afterwards but for the first time since we broke up, I felt like I'd be okay.

Sometimes,  its necessary for us to wound ourselves just to get to the emotional point we can justify letting go and walking away...even if its not the most logical course of action.

- Beach

Edited April 30, 2020 by Beachead

[dinkydahlia]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm sorry he won't even hear you out.  But since his mind is made up do not send the heartfelt email you want to send.  Go ahead & write that long one because you need to get it out but NEVER send it to him.  

Instead your email to him needs to be something along the lines of 

I was disappointed that you won't even talk .  I had hoped that we could come to an understanding.  I appreciate you being candid with me even though it's not what I wanted to hear.  Be well  Best wishes moving forward.  Goodbye.  

If you write more then 5-6 sentences, pour out our feelings or worse, grovel, all you are doing is turning yourself into a doormat

As much as the pain hurts right now, there is happiness on the other side.  I'm sorry about your mom.  I hope your own health improves (you had said something about being in the hospital).  

Thank you.  I did what you recommended.  In my email I explained how I deeply care and haven't wanted to admit it to myself, said I'm ready to move onto real life to someone who wants to be there for me, and asked him not to tell someone the words he told me when he's not going to act upon it again.  Er it was a lot longer, but pretty balanced.  But after I read your message I realised if he even cared for me as a friend he'd take the phonecall.  I can see he's done.  I wished him all the best.

Thanks for your kind wishes.  I'm at home with a 5 year old half the week and working in a hospital the rest of it.  Times are strange and unusual for everyone.  I hope you're ok wherever you are.

I messaged him back and said I'd written but changed my mind about sending and wished him the best instead.  He's not reading it, or rather ignoring it.  All done.  I feel like I kept a shred of dignity by not telling him how much I care and what mountains i'd have moved to be with him.

[dinkydahlia]

2 hours ago, Realitysux said:

I'm sorry, I might be in the same boat, haven't heard from him directly yet but it doesn't look good for me either. 

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you x

[dinkydahlia]

9 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

From a logical and practical standpoint, I don't recommend it.  From a healing standpoint, I get it.   So if you feel like you still need to write and send the email for you, then do it.  But once its sent, send no more.  It ends there.  He may or may not reply to you and the best you may get is a cold response.  It'll hurt.   

Once upon a time, after my ex broke up with me, I held on for 5 months afterwards, hoping we could reconcile.  Living in that hope put me in an emotional limbo where I was stuck and my mental-health slowly disintegrated as the months went on, because I knew I was lying to myself.  Eventually I couldn't hold on anymore and I knew I had to let go and move on, for myself.  I already had all the answers I needed, but I needed to hear her actually tell me certain things.  So one night I got her to call me and she did just that. I cried.  I loathed myself.  It was ugly.  But then we hung up and I fell asleep and the next morning, it was like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  It took a lot of time to heal from it afterwards but for the first time since we broke up, I felt like I'd be okay.

Sometimes,  its necessary for us to wound ourselves just to get to the emotional point we can justify letting go and walking away...even if its not the most logical course of action.

- Beach

You get exactly the reason why I wanted to send it.  Healing for myself so I can't look back and say, well maybe if I'd have said that.  Sometimes being rejected bluntly is easier, there's no coming back from it.

I feel like I've done what you did with your ex.  It's had the same effect.  I've lost fitness and gained weight, and am not sleeping the best.  Before we started being in touch again I'd lost a stone, cut my hair, got a new wardrobe and was back with a dance project and doing fitness.  Goes to show what this guy does for me ha!  I'm like you though, I need to hear them, and for it to be blunt.  I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I keep replaying the videocall we had where I realised I had to draw the line.  I cried and he cried, and I couldn't look at him any more so I put down the phone.  I didn't sleep, but I felt like I'd done the right thing, getting off the merry go round.  I said I'd fallen for him, he said he felt exactly the same.  And I was angry - why tell someone when you're not going to do anything about it?  It just doesn't/didn't make sense.  

I think he knows how I feel right?  If it was what he said, there's no way you'd let someone go would you?  Over distance, wanting to be alone etc etc?

[dinkydahlia]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

I certainly wouldn't flatter him in this last email by saying how much you love and adore him. I would just say goodbye because I don't think he cares about the details at this point. 

 

Change is nearly always good. This will free you up for something better. I say leave with your dignity intact and just block him.

That's exactly what I was going to do.  But I didn't.  He should know how I feel.  

I hope he leaves me alone, and that feeling of being free helps.  I so want to move on.

[Beachead]

@dinkydahlia

51 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said:

I think he knows how I feel right?  If it was what he said, there's no way you'd let someone go would you?  Over distance, wanting to be alone etc etc?

Oh he knows.  He can feel that from you.  Trust that. 

That's why his staying away and telling you to move on is so powerful..because despite knowing how you feel, he's still choosing not to choose you. And think about it like this..if you were yourself in that relationship, it means you've given your best because whatever version could you have been except yourself? If you try to be anyone else but you, you're lying to yourself.  Also, the other person, falls in love with who they think you are, rather than who you actually are.  So lies have no longevity.  They eventually fall apart and they end the relationship.  Your best self is your you and if after all this time, of receiving that, this is what he decided..then he's not for you.  

Quote

 I feel like there's something wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with you.  You're just a human being who had some hope that something could work out with a man you cared for. You're currently grieving the reality, that won't be like that.  Not something you'll get over in a finger snap.  

Quote

 I said I'd fallen for him, he said he felt exactly the same.  And I was angry - why tell someone when you're not going to do anything about it?  It just doesn't/didn't make sense.

A lot of people have poor coping mechanisms.  Bad things happen to them but instead of taking some alone time to grieve and learn about what they're feeling inside, they run away from their pain.  They bury or distract themselves using other people.  They may turn to drugs/alcohol.  Some work excessively.   The result?  That pain gets shoved into the back of their mind.  It doesn't sit there harmlessly.  It starts to manifests itself into their thinking which ultimately influences their decisions and their way of life. It's in the things they do.  The things they say.  The way they treat people.  Because they never took that alone time to get to know themselves, they don't know who they are, what they're feeling, what they want/don't want, what they need/don't need.  Why they do what they do.  Therefore, they have very little control of themselves and often get pushed/pulled around by their own emotions.

- Beach

Edited April 30, 2020 by Beachead