How to walk away from someone you love

[d0nnivain]

Throw yourself into your work safely.  Heaven knows your patients need you.  When you come up for air again after this crisis you will be surprised at how more healed you are then you thought you would be. 

Take care.  

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

I said I'd fallen for him, he said he felt exactly the same.  And I was angry - why tell someone when you're not going to do anything about it?  It just doesn't/didn't make sense.  

Because he didn't mean what he said.  If he truly had fallen for you he would want you.  Also he wouldn't have cancelled coming to see you, rescheduling and still not showing up.

Edited April 30, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, dinkydahlia said:

I hope he leaves me alone, and that feeling of being free helps.  I so want to move on.

Don't put this in his hands.  You decide to block him too and move on and not unblock.  Make sure he has no way to reach you.

[Realitysux]

Cool

Edited April 30, 2020 by Realitysux

[dinkydahlia]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Throw yourself into your work safely.  Heaven knows your patients need you.  When you come up for air again after this crisis you will be surprised at how more healed you are then you thought you would be. 

Take care.  

Thank you, I will try and try.  Take care yourself x

[dinkydahlia]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Because he didn't mean what he said.  If he truly had fallen for you he would want you.  Also he wouldn't have cancelled coming to see you, rescheduling and still not showing up.

I was always happy as long as he was open with me, we talked whenever we dated other people.  I really trusted he was tellingme the truth.

After I'd told him I wanted to cut ties and he messaged the next day, I really thought he'd decided to give it a go.  It was the way he messaged me.  Im kickingmyself for not replying to him and telling him I was on the way to hospital, then I'd know how he'd have reacted and maybe things would be different.  

We had an argument once and I told him if he was going to be vague  and indecisive, to leave me alone and not speak to me.  That's when he blocked me everywhere and wouldn't talk.  He gave me a chance asking me to video chat him and tell him to his face so he could see my expression, but I missed the call.  He blocked me straight after and was furious.  We didn't speak for several months, then he wanted to meet me.  When we met, he told me how much I'd hurt him so he wanted to cut me out.  He asked me never to do it again.  I thought he was overreacting.

I can't help feeling this has happened again and he's angry with me for pulling away and not being available to talk.  Deliberately saying mean things because I hurt him.  I want to message him to ask him to talk to me, because I feel like this is my fault.

[Realitysux]

Take it from me, nothing you can do can change the outcome. It's over and done with so leave it alone. My situation is more difficult because I have no one to talk to about the virus and it's going to be a while. I just wanted conversation 

Edited April 30, 2020 by Realitysux

[dinkydahlia]

3 hours ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

Oh he knows.  He can feel that from you.  Trust that. 

That's why his staying away and telling you to move on is so powerful..because despite knowing how you feel, he's still choosing not to choose you. And think about it like this..if you were yourself in that relationship, it means you've given your best because whatever version could you have been except yourself? If you try to be anyone else but you, you're lying to yourself.  Also, the other person, falls in love with who they think you are, rather than who you actually are.  So lies have no longevity.  They eventually fall apart and they end the relationship.  Your best self is your you and if after all this time, of receiving that, this is what he decided..then he's not for you.  

Nothing is wrong with you.  You're just a human being who had some hope that something could work out with a man you cared for. You're currently grieving the reality, that won't be like that.  Not something you'll get over in a finger snap.  

A lot of people have poor coping mechanisms.  Bad things happen to them but instead of taking some alone time to grieve and learn about what they're feeling inside, they run away from their pain.  They bury or distract themselves using other people.  They may turn to drugs/alcohol.  Some work excessively.   The result?  That pain gets shoved into the back of their mind.  It doesn't sit there harmlessly.  It starts to manifests itself into their thinking which ultimately influences their decisions and their way of life. It's in the things they do.  The things they say.  The way they treat people.  Because they never took that alone time to get to know themselves, they don't know who they are, what they're feeling, what they want/don't want, what they need/don't need.  Why they do what they do.  Therefore, they have very little control of themselves and often get pushed/pulled around by their own emotions.

- Beach

He has started seeing a counsellor.  To deal with the pain.  He said it was helping a lot and he felt like he knew he was heading in the right direction.

I'm really struggling tonight.  He's always been there every single time I've messaged or called, the feeling of him not being contactable is almost too much.  

We were on a push and pull, we'd get close then he'd pull away and I'd push him even further.  Then go through the whole cycle again.

I wish I could agree to be friends with him but we will never be true friends.

I hate the thought of leaving it like this - he's pushing me away now deliberately as opposed to just being vague and waiting for me to get annoyed.

I think I need to just somehow get to sleep and hope tomorrow is different.  

[Realitysux]

21 minutes ago, dinkydahlia said:

He has started seeing a counsellor.  To deal with the pain.  He said it was helping a lot and he felt like he knew he was heading in the right direction.

I'm really struggling tonight.  He's always been there every single time I've messaged or called, the feeling of him not being contactable is almost too much.  

We were on a push and pull, we'd get close then he'd pull away and I'd push him even further.  Then go through the whole cycle again.

I wish I could agree to be friends with him but we will never be true friends.

I hate the thought of leaving it like this - he's pushing me away now deliberately as opposed to just being vague and waiting for me to get annoyed.

I think I need to just somehow get to sleep and hope tomorrow is different.  

Ok

[Beachead]

@dinkydahlia

Quote

 

I'm really struggling tonight.  He's always been there every single time I've messaged or called, the feeling of him not being contactable is almost too much.  

We were on a push and pull, we'd get close then he'd pull away and I'd push him even further.  Then go through the whole cycle again.

 

Yea.  It's not an uncommon thing.  I've been there myself. 

You both know what's ultimately best for the both of you.  You both know which direction you want to head towards (Which is apart) which is why you both always end up heading in that direction..especially him.  But after a couple of days or weeks pass on without talking to one another, those withdrawal symptoms kick in; the attachment, the separation anxiety, the fears.  So you both run back to eachother, not out of love or feelings..but out of desperation to rid yourself of all those unpleasant emotions.  You both get your fix, feel good again, and its back to the same old thoughts.  Each time you both go through the cycle, it becomes progressively clearer why this wouldn't work.  Sometimes leaving eachother occurs in steps like that, when its too difficult to cut eachother out in one shot.

It's not something you can break free of, suddenly.   This is basically like a drug addiction that you're getting yourself off of.  Him, being the drug...and your mind is going to do everything it can, to get you back to your fix.  But the source of your fix is the exact thing that'll hold you hostage to this, so you have to stop the cycle by being giving yourself space and sufficient time to detox and clear through your withdrawal symptoms.   After you clear that initial hurdle, you'll begin to heal.  It'll be a journey of ups and downs and you'll need all the strength you can find to get through it, so do what you need to do, in order to get it done.  The good news?  If you take care of yourself right, you'll come out of this, just fine. 

- Beach

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Beachead

[Realitysux]

7 hours ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

Yea.  It's not an uncommon thing.  I've been there myself. 

You both know what's ultimately best for the both of you.  You both know which direction you want to head towards (Which is apart) which is why you both always end up heading in that direction..especially him.  But after a couple of days or weeks pass on without talking to one another, those withdrawal symptoms kick in; the attachment, the separation anxiety, the fears.  So you both run back to eachother, not out of love or feelings..but out of desperation to rid yourself of all those unpleasant emotions.  You both get your fix, feel good again, and its back to the same old thoughts.  Each time you both go through the cycle, it becomes progressively clearer why this wouldn't work.  Sometimes leaving eachother occurs in steps like that, when its too difficult to cut eachother out in one shot.

It's not something you can break free of, suddenly.   This is basically like a drug addiction that you're getting yourself off of.  Him, being the drug...and your mind is going to do everything it can, to get you back to your fix.  But the source of your fix is the exact thing that'll hold you hostage to this, so you have to stop the cycle by being giving yourself space and sufficient time to detox and clear through your withdrawal symptoms.   After you clear that initial hurdle, you'll begin to heal.  It'll be a journey of ups and downs and you'll need all the strength you can find to get through it, so do what you need to do, in order to get it done.  The good news?  If you take care of yourself right, you'll come out of this, just fine. 

- Beach

 

It's so true .. I think when you are being dumped or rejected, it's a blow to your ego. I think the best thing to do is to focus on yourself right now and let that person go. I know when the virus is over, I'll be more engaged but right now it is hard for everyone. I haven't slept a lot at and its affecting me at work but I could have avoided that if I didn't expose myself for so long. I spent 7 years in a situation and got nothing out of it. It's harder for me to walk away because he told me I was expired and said he could have other younger women too. You kind of feel defeated but you can't let them take any more of your life. There are plenty of fish! Try talking to different people until one clicks .. 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Realitysux

[dinkydahlia]

17 hours ago, Beachead said:

@dinkydahlia

Yea.  It's not an uncommon thing.  I've been there myself. 

You both know what's ultimately best for the both of you.  You both know which direction you want to head towards (Which is apart) which is why you both always end up heading in that direction..especially him.  But after a couple of days or weeks pass on without talking to one another, those withdrawal symptoms kick in; the attachment, the separation anxiety, the fears.  So you both run back to eachother, not out of love or feelings..but out of desperation to rid yourself of all those unpleasant emotions.  You both get your fix, feel good again, and its back to the same old thoughts.  Each time you both go through the cycle, it becomes progressively clearer why this wouldn't work.  Sometimes leaving eachother occurs in steps like that, when its too difficult to cut eachother out in one shot.

It's not something you can break free of, suddenly.   This is basically like a drug addiction that you're getting yourself off of.  Him, being the drug...and your mind is going to do everything it can, to get you back to your fix.  But the source of your fix is the exact thing that'll hold you hostage to this, so you have to stop the cycle by being giving yourself space and sufficient time to detox and clear through your withdrawal symptoms.   After you clear that initial hurdle, you'll begin to heal.  It'll be a journey of ups and downs and you'll need all the strength you can find to get through it, so do what you need to do, in order to get it done.  The good news?  If you take care of yourself right, you'll come out of this, just fine. 

- Beach

 

Are you a secret psychic?!  I feel like you've just described the situation.  In reality, as much as I want to say this was an incredible situation maybe if he'd have lived in the same city and it had happened organically it wouldn't have been anything like this.

 

Today is a much better day, spent with my daughter just chilling helping her practise her bike riding in the park, playing music together and making pictures.  I'm trying not to think of him and when I do, think that so much of it was based in talk not real life.  I feel like I've been through so many emotional things that perhaps I've attached meaning where I shouldn't, and trusted him as a shelter where I shouldn't.

Last time I left, I left for 5 months and didn't see this one coming.  This time I'll know better and will keep this thread as a reminder of all the great advice I've received.  I messaged him last night as I was falling asleep, it went straight through as he must have been reading my messages.  He didn't reply.  I'd said earlier I wanted to talk and as he wouldn't, I said that this was all unnecessary, that it was a case of unreturned feelings, the end.  As he will never give closure or face up to an argument and then a couple of months down the line slips back through the net and so it begins again. 

 

As before I'm sure there will be ups and downs, but I still feel deep down it's right.  The only thing that would get my attention is him turning up on the doorstep and making some big changes, which will never happen.  And even if it did, this time I wouldn't trust him.  Because if he genuinely cared, as a friend or otherwise, he'd have a decent conversation about it or just block me.  

 

Thank you for your kindness and patience Beach, it's much appreciated to help with the self-soothing right now!  One thing we can all guarantee in life is nothing stays the same and change will always happen.  We have to be grateful for experiences and he helped me in so many ways I could never regret the experience.  It's also taught me a heck of a lot about boundaries, and what I'm scared of.  Do we ever get to the real root of ourselves in our lifetime?  Or are we destined to make the same mistakes.

 

It's raining here tonight, thinking of everyone in the world and what people are doing with their time.  I hope tomorrow is a better day x

[dinkydahlia]

10 hours ago, Realitysux said:

It's so true .. I think when you are being dumped or rejected, it's a blow to your ego. I think the best thing to do is to focus on yourself right now and let that person go. I know when the virus is over, I'll be more engaged but right now it is hard for everyone. I haven't slept a lot at and its affecting me at work but I could have avoided that if I didn't expose myself for so long. I spent 7 years in a situation and got nothing out of it. It's harder for me to walk away because he told me I was expired and said he could have other younger women too. You kind of feel defeated but you can't let them take any more of your life. There are plenty of fish! Try talking to different people until one clicks .. 

Honestly, one piece of advice I was given years ago was if you put as much love into yourself as you do others you can't go wrong.  I always felt this was selfish, but now I know what they meant.  Since I've learned to grow some balls and deal with some situations, spending time on myself (hey and money sometimes too!) has made me feel better about myself and less tolerant of sucking up time wasters.  Erm apart from this onet hough obviously ha ha!

I spent 8 years married to a cheater who laughed in my face.  I learned a lot from that experience and you will too.  You will learn to love yourself so much that if you're confident in who you are, people who tell you otherwise you won't even entertain that thought again.  I feel people are s*** because of issues within themselves and it has nothing to do with you as a person.

You sound like you've had a fair few rubbish experiences yourself, and you're doing good getting through things at the moment.  I'm sorry things are tough for you right now, hopefully things will change soon.  Thanks for taking the time to talk to me, when really there is so much going on for others x 

[Realitysux]

Things aren't tough? I've had rubbish experiences but I don't care .. I'm actually feeling very content and happy while making plans for the weekend. I appreciate everyone who took the time to talk to me as well. 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Realitysux

[Realitysux]

Thank you! I was in some denial but I read this post and it was indeed insightful and helpful. Best of luck to you.

 

[dinkydahlia]

2 hours ago, Realitysux said:

Thank you! I was in some denial but I read this post and it was indeed insightful and helpful. Best of luck to you.

 

Best of luck to you too, and thanks for replying x

[Beachead]

On 5/1/2020 at 5:07 PM, dinkydahlia said:

Are you a secret psychic?!  I feel like you've just described the situation. 

Loll.  I hope not. My own mind is a challenge in itself to manage.  Hearing other people's thoughts would drive me insane haha.

But on a serious note, I've put myself in situations where I've stayed much longer than I should have, due to what now know was, fear of the future and a lack of belief in myself.  It was both damaging and at the same time an experience that I needed to go through to get to where I am today.

Quote

 Do we ever get to the real root of ourselves in our lifetime?  Or are we destined to make the same mistakes.

That's a good question.  I don't know to be honest, but the way I think about is we're always changing.  Even those deep, core, fundamentals that make up the brunt of why we do what we do in our life...they're being weathered down and reshaped because we're regularly being exposed to new experiences, new people and new circumstances.  Even aging in itself is a foreign experience to us if you consider we've never been as old as we are today.   So, we are constantly internalizing, perceiving and processing all this new stimuli from just living and we are adding it to our pre-existing wisdom/knowledge.   So, I don't think we can ever truly know ourselves fully because we're always changing.

BUT

There we can have a pretty good idea of ourselves generally, through solitude and journaling.   There's a lot of pressure and expectation out there in the world which can take us away from what's in our heart, but when we take that alone time, we can tune the noise out and start hearing our own thoughts again.  I don't mean a few days or weeks.  I mean several months toa. year, as it takes time for our minds to unwind and adjust to that solitude.  And then we can proceed to write out our daily thoughts and begin to monitor what our most dominant thoughts are.  What we do think about the most?  What direction do they head in?  Do we focus on what we can control or what we can't?   We can analyze our past and address our behaviours that led to the present circumstances, as we we often have some degree of responsibility  towards what happens (With the exception of a few situations).  We can see who or what makes us feel joy and brings us energy and also who or what makes us feel drained and depressed and brings us anxiety and stress.  We can take that a step further by asking ourselves, why do we feel like that around these people and these things?  We can also assess what we want out of our life and what we want to accomplish and set goals based on all this self-analysis.   And from there..we can start choosing in the direction we believe is right for us, and make adjustments along the way.

Its a daily, work-in progress, to unlearn old habits and create new ones.  

- Beach