Treated me like his gf and then told me he won't develop feelings for me after a fight

[allofyou]

A bit bummed out and hurt. Just trying to process what happened. 
 

Dated a guy for two months. He didn’t love bomb me but he treated me like his gf. Told me he won’t see other people and didn’t plan on doing so. Did nice things for me. Talked to me everyday. We had a lot of fun and things were great. Until last weekend we had a small fight. I thought we talked it through and understood each other’s point of view and things were ok. Then he told me he doesn’t see this working out anymore and he doesn’t think he will develop strong enough feelings for me. 
 

He went from complimenting me loads, always happy to see me and make time to see me, prioritising seeing me even, talking daily while not love bombing me (I know what true love bombing is) to telling me he doesn’t see things will develop for him after a fight. 
 

I just feel hurt and blindsided. And I felt led on. 
 

Why do people do that? I just wanna process my emotions and move on now 

Edited April 29, 2020 by allofyou

[stillafool]

I'm sorry he hurt you.  Most people start dating to see if they are compatible with another person and if so to evolve into a relationship.  Usually it takes about 3 months for most people to complete that process and decide.  The fight you had with him was a deal breaker for him and he then decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with him.  Of course he was going to treat you nice while getting to know you.  Weren't you also nice to him?  I don't think he lead you on I just think in the end he decided you two weren't compatible.  In the future try not to get too attached to guys until you have the relationship talk.

[allofyou]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I'm sorry he hurt you.  Most people start dating to see if they are compatible with another person and if so to evolve into a relationship.  Usually it takes about 3 months for most people to complete that process and decide.  The fight you had with him was a deal breaker for him and he then decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with him.  Of course he was going to treat you nice while getting to know you.  Weren't you also nice to him?  I don't think he lead you on I just think in the end he decided you two weren't compatible.  In the future try not to get too attached to guys until you have the relationship talk.

Thank you. I guess to me I knew very early on if I would fall for someone, while he told me it normally takes him a long time to fall in love. 
 

Also to me it was a small fight due to misunderstanding. So I was shocked he would say that after a small fight. 
 

And you were right. I treated him nicely too as I also started to care for him. It just really hurts now. I guess the bright side is the fight happened othewise he would’ve strung me along for even longer 

[ExpatInItaly]

What was the misunderstanding that led to this fight?

Could he perhaps have picked an argument as a way out of the fledgling relationship?

[preraph]

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he simply knows something about himself that you don't, as far as his tolerance or ability to handle certain things.  So let it go.

 

It's also just as possible he was just looking for convenient sex with no complications, but you'd probably know if that was the case because he wouldn't have been taking you on real dates very much and that sort of thing and not getting together without having sex.

[allofyou]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What was the misunderstanding that led to this fight?

Could he perhaps have picked an argument as a way out of the fledgling relationship?

I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me. I thought that was an appropriate discussion as we have had other types of serious discussion about how we could make each other happy before. Everything was promising. Then he took that discussion and carried that onto an argument around how I don’t want him to see his friend and he didn’t like the negativity. There was just miscommunication which we talked through and I thought it was ok. 
 

We even talked about future plans for a bit. Then the next day he told me this. 

[allofyou]

2 minutes ago, preraph said:

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he simply knows something about himself that you don't, as far as his tolerance or ability to handle certain things.  So let it go.

 

It's also just as possible he was just looking for convenient sex with no complications, but you'd probably know if that was the case because he wouldn't have been taking you on real dates very much and that sort of thing and not getting together without having sex.

He really treated me like his gf and we were happy which led me to think things were promising. There was no argument no nothing. Until a misunderstanding happened and he then seemed to think it was a huge deal. 
 

He’s in his late 30s, never married and had been single for a few years if that makes any difference. 

[preraph]

I will stick to my original answer.  He doesn't want any complications, apparently, such as a person being human and needing to talk about something he doesn't agree with.  For whatever reason.  

[d0nnivain]

It was good.  You fought.  He bailed.  What you learned is he has lousy conflict resolution skills & can't handle anything except roses & sunshine.  that makes him a poor prospect for a long term partner.  Better you learn that now, only having wasted 60 days rather then longer.  

Yes it hurts.  Yes it sucks but you will move past this. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

You were more than he wanted to bite off and chew. Some people are poor with dissent (huge red flag) and need to know that they are always in control. I doubt you were the only girl he was communicating with. 

[ccas93]

1 hour ago, allofyou said:

 

I just feel hurt and blindsided. And I felt led on. 
 

 

That's what he wanted. He's too prideful and not mature enough to really work things through with someone, so he tried to make you regret it by telling you that you blew it with him. And it's true, he probably didn't like you that much anyway. I used to do this kind of BS to people when I was a teenager. Only thing is we are talking about a man in his 30s here, who is who he is at this point. Good thing he showed his true immature colors. 

[allofyou]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It was good.  You fought.  He bailed.  What you learned is he has lousy conflict resolution skills & can't handle anything except roses & sunshine.  that makes him a poor prospect for a long term partner.  Better you learn that now, only having wasted 60 days rather then longer.  

Yes it hurts.  Yes it sucks but you will move past this. 

Thank you. I’m trying to not let this get to me. I’m sure I’ll be better in no time. 
 

I just thought it would’ve been nice to wait till quarantine is over so we could develop things properly. I guess you’re right. If he didn’t like what he saw, the smallest thing and didn’t want to work for it. 

[allofyou]

6 minutes ago, ccas93 said:

That's what he wanted. He's too prideful and not mature enough to really work things through with someone, so he tried to make you regret it by telling you that you blew it with him. And it's true, he probably didn't like you that much anyway. I used to do this kind of BS to people when I was a teenager. Only thing is we are talking about a man in his 30s here, who is who he is at this point. Good thing he showed his true immature colors. 

Yeah. If he didn’t treat me the way he did, made me feel like things are promising and dump me after the first argument, I would’nt have felt as shocked and led on. 
 

Now I just pray that he doesn’t decide to come back after quarantine cos I know I might not be strong enough to say no

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, allofyou said:

He’s in his late 30s, never married and had been single for a few years if that makes any difference. 

^^^ this

1 hour ago, allofyou said:

I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me.

My guess he already thought he was giving you enough attention maybe even too much for his liking.
Maybe he was wanting to ramp things down not ramp things up 
He also didn't like the way he felt he could not see his friend as much as he wanted to...
He is no doubt a bachelor type set in his ways. you wanting to see him more, was  not what he wanted, so rather than carry on, he ended it.

He may be a commitmentphobe - all in until they feel smothered and trapped and they then leave often unexpectedly..
Some leave after the first date, the first sex, "exclusivity", the moving in, the engagement, the wedding, the house buying, the baby... 
Something triggers them and they then just end it.
It may be why he is still single in his late thirties

[allofyou]

@elaine567 we planned on seeing each other more before I proposed that but then the lockdown hit us. We tried to find ways to see each other more but it was difficult. It’s even more confusing he actually prioritised seeing me before his friends in most cases. I didn’t even ask him to
 

Yes! It occurred to me very early on that he might be emotionally unavailable as he doesn’t seem in touch with his feelings. But I let it slide cos he told me he wanted a long term relationship and he doesn’t want to see other people, but at the same time, he didn’t try very hard to move things forward, tho he treated me like his gf. 
 

That’s why I’m worried he’s the dismissive avoidant type who tend to cycle back, especially when quarantine is over and he feels that things can be fun again. I’m worried I might not be strong enough. I deleted everything I had of him so I wouldn’t get in touch with him anyways. 

Edited April 29, 2020 by allofyou

[healing light]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I don't think he lead you on I just think in the end he decided you two weren't compatible.

I agree with this assessment. Most people are still developing feelings (or not) at 2 months in and still evaluating. He probably enjoyed your company but maybe something was missing and the fight accentuated that.

Edited to add: Just read the part about feeling like he wasn't able to see friends, etc. I think you guys are just incompatible in your communication style/needs. Sounds like you wanted more and he wanted less.

Edited April 29, 2020 by healing light

[poppyfields]

>>"I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me."

---

I’m no expert, but this is what I’ve learned.  In the very early stages, like within the first 3 months, when you don’t feel a man is making enough effort or spending enough time with you (to your liking), just end it.  Walk away, bye.  Next.

It serves no good purpose to ask him to make more effort or spend time, cause let’s face it, if he wanted to, he would be, without you having to ask for it.

So my guess is, after you asked, he realized you wanted more than he wanted to give, so he chose to end it.

Lesson learned.  Next time, just walk. 

 

[allofyou]

4 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

>>"I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me."

---

I’m no expert, but this is what I’ve learned.  In the very early stages, like within the first 3 months, when you don’t feel a man is making enough effort or spending enough time with you (to your liking), just end it.  Walk away, bye.  Next.

It serves no good purpose to ask him to make more effort or spend time, cause let’s face it, if he wanted to, he would be, without you having to ask for it.

So my guess is, after you asked, he realized you wanted more than he wanted to give, so he chose to end it.

Lesson learned.  Next time, just walk. 

 

yeah I learned that now. I thought with the lockdown, things were hard and we couldn’t do much anyways. And I thought it seemed that things were getting serious so I would bring this up. 
 

Tho I’d still bring these kind of things up when I’m in a longer term and more serious relationship

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by allofyou

[allofyou]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

That's what he wanted. He's too prideful and not mature enough to really work things through with someone, so he tried to make you regret it by telling you that you blew it with him. And it's true, he probably didn't like you that much anyway. I used to do this kind of BS to people when I was a teenager. Only thing is we are talking about a man in his 30s here, who is who he is at this point. Good thing he showed his true immature colors. 

I have to say I did blame myself for a bit. But I think at the end of the day, it’s not me it’s him. 
 

It really sucks cos I don’t date often and this is the longest dating experience I had in the last 2-3 years. 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, allofyou said:

Now I just pray that he doesn’t decide to come back after quarantine cos I know I might not be strong enough to say no

Of course you are strong enough to say no.  Stop with that attitude.  If you keep him blocked and stop watching his social media you will be able to move forward.  Plan things to do with friends or self improvement projects for after the quarantine.

[allofyou]

20 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Of course you are strong enough to say no.  Stop with that attitude.  If you keep him blocked and stop watching his social media you will be able to move forward.  Plan things to do with friends or self improvement projects for after the quarantine.

Was I wrong to make the request for him to make more effort? I know two months is a very short amount of time. I kinda wish I moved things a bit slowlier and kept my cool and let things develop. But I don’t want to think it was my problem  

im seeing a lot of advice like don’t act needy, don’t show emotions, don’t reveal how you feel too quickly and just chill for the first 2-3 months. 

[Mystery4u]

You posted a couple of other topics about this person. As I replied in your topic 3 weeks ago, you wanting to 'pull back' after one month was a bad sign. Also he treated you like his girlfriend, but as I mentioned in the previous topic, until he asks you to be his girlfriend, all this 'implied exclusivity' means nothing.

He did not match your interest levels, and you both did not meet each other's expectations. You were not a good match. Better to find out now.

One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you and will feel the same about you as you feel about them.

[ShyViolet]

I don't think he necessarily led you on.  You guys dated for two months, it was good in the beginning, then it turned not-so-good and he realized that he didn't see this relationship going anywhere.  His feelings towards you changed, and he was honest with you about it.  That's what happens in dating sometimes.  Some relationships don't last more than a couple months because one or both parties realize that they are not as compatible as they thought.  I don't think he is necessarily the "bad guy" here.  

Just accept that you and him are not compatible, and move on.

[allofyou]

12 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't think he necessarily led you on.  You guys dated for two months, it was good in the beginning, then it turned not-so-good and he realized that he didn't see this relationship going anywhere.  His feelings towards you changed, and he was honest with you about it.  That's what happens in dating sometimes.  Some relationships don't last more than a couple months because one or both parties realize that they are not as compatible as they thought.  I don't think he is necessarily the "bad guy" here.  

Just accept that you and him are not compatible, and move on.

That’s fair. 
 

I guess I’m just frustrated and upset. I haven’t had a relationship / dating which lasts for longer than 3-4 months for a couple of years now. Dating is hard. 

[allofyou]

15 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

You posted a couple of other topics about this person. As I replied in your topic 3 weeks ago, you wanting to 'pull back' after one month was a bad sign. Also he treated you like his girlfriend, but as I mentioned in the previous topic, until he asks you to be his girlfriend, all this 'implied exclusivity' means nothing.

He did not match your interest levels, and you both did not meet each other's expectations. You were not a good match. Better to find out now.

One day you will meet someone who appreciates you for you and will feel the same about you as you feel about them.

Yeah it was definitely a bad sign that he made me want to pull back. And I defo agree!! Implied exclusivity meant nothing until they asked!

I hope I do meet that person  

I guess now I need to be way more careful with my emotions and also how things develop as he’s the first guy who treated me like a gf and then this happened ..