Treated me like his gf and then told me he won't develop feelings for me after a fight

[kendahke]

59 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I haven’t had a relationship / dating which lasts for longer than 3-4 months for a couple of years now.

As you're the common denominator in those relationships, now would be a good time to take a break from dating to figure out why this is.

Quote

Dating is hard. 

It is when your expectations aren't in alignment with what is falling out at your feet in experience.

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, we gotta clear here. You say, he TREATED you like a bf.

Treating is important, actually more important ... but words are important too--especially early on. Did he say, "I'm your boyfriend" ?or say "You're my girlfriend"? or "We're only seeing each other." Did he say those statements?!

 

[NeverDoneLearning]

I've had similar experience with a person who I saw things going very differently. To add to it we DID have the relationship talk and were both willingly in a relationship. When he broke things off I was crushed and blindsided like yourself. Some suggested to me that maybe he had a change of heart about me or was talking to someone else and was trying to find a reason other than just being honest. The disagreement we had was weak but an opportunity to leave with some sort of reason. People have a hard time and try to spare other's feelings when really it does more harm than good. The whole "It's not you, it's me" line is a good example. Perhaps he had a change of heart since you weren't in an officially discussed committed relationship and instead of saying that he took the cowardly way out instead of feeling like a jerk.  

Try to imagine a scenario where you stay/or get back together after this incident. You'd most likely be nervous to confront even small conflicts for fear of him deciding or almost deciding to leave. I've been there in real life. It sucks. You're living in a constant ultimatum. 

I know it's hard and it sucks even letting go of people who you know are not good for you but he showed you his true colours. He showed you he can't handle things not going his way and that's a disappointing but valuable truth. You will find someone better. There are people who will fight along with you and fight for you and this guy has just cleared your path.

[allofyou]

2 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Ok, we gotta clear here. You say, he TREATED you like a bf.

Treating is important, actually more important ... but words are important too--especially early on. Did he say, "I'm your boyfriend" ?or say "You're my girlfriend"? or "We're only seeing each other." Did he say those statements?!

 

No we never defined things. He told me multiple times he had no intention to see others. 
 

Looking back I’m not sure if I should’ve brought up exclusivity between 1 to 2 months to see how serious he actually was. He told me after 2 months he didn’t actually really think about how he felt and wasn’t sure how he felt, which was strange to me. Like could you not have thought about how you felt about someone after 2 months of daily talking and spending time together like a couple? 
 

Then he said I sort of forced him to think about long term so he couldn’t see things develop for him. I’m not sure if that screamed commitment issues. 

[allofyou]

2 hours ago, NeverDoneLearning said:

I've had similar experience with a person who I saw things going very differently. To add to it we DID have the relationship talk and were both willingly in a relationship. When he broke things off I was crushed and blindsided like yourself. Some suggested to me that maybe he had a change of heart about me or was talking to someone else and was trying to find a reason other than just being honest. The disagreement we had was weak but an opportunity to leave with some sort of reason. People have a hard time and try to spare other's feelings when really it does more harm than good. The whole "It's not you, it's me" line is a good example. Perhaps he had a change of heart since you weren't in an officially discussed committed relationship and instead of saying that he took the cowardly way out instead of feeling like a jerk.  

Try to imagine a scenario where you stay/or get back together after this incident. You'd most likely be nervous to confront even small conflicts for fear of him deciding or almost deciding to leave. I've been there in real life. It sucks. You're living in a constant ultimatum. 

I know it's hard and it sucks even letting go of people who you know are not good for you but he showed you his true colours. He showed you he can't handle things not going his way and that's a disappointing but valuable truth. You will find someone better. There are people who will fight along with you and fight for you and this guy has just cleared your path.

Thank you so much. 
 

And you were right. I’d be so scared to bring up anything or disagree with him if that’s how he’s like. 
 

I guess all of these are just so confusing to me from things going so well to him ending it after a fight and telling me he actually haven’t thought about how he felt all along in 2 months. That he was just going along with it and enjoying himself. If you’re serious about finding a relationship, would you not have thought about it even after the first month? How could you behave like a bf while not even thinking about how you feel about me? 
 

That’s why I felt led on. Like I was dating a commitment phobe  all along without knowing it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, allofyou said:

I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me. I thought that was an appropriate discussion as we have had other types of serious discussion about how we could make each other happy before. Everything was promising. Then he took that discussion and carried that onto an argument around how I don’t want him to see his friend and he didn’t like the negativity. There was just miscommunication which we talked through and I thought it was ok. 

This was your clue that he wasn't totally on-board here. 

It wasn't a miscommunication as much as it was you correctly picking up on the fact that he wasn't as into this as you were anymore. That lack of effort reflected his fading interest. My guess is that this is real reason he wants out, and not because of the argument. It sounds like he took a little time and realized you were right, he wasn't putting in as much effort because he doesn't have the right feelings to continue. 

In other words, the argument simply brought to the surface the underlying doubts he was having and he didn't want to string you along. Even without the argument, I am going to wager this wouldn't have lasted. 

[allofyou]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This was your clue that he wasn't totally on-board here. 

It wasn't a miscommunication as much as it was you correctly picking up on the fact that he wasn't as into this as you were anymore. That lack of effort reflected his fading interest. My guess is that this is real reason he wants out, and not because of the argument. It sounds like he took a little time and realized you were right, he wasn't putting in as much effort because he doesn't have the right feelings to continue. 

In other words, the argument simply brought to the surface the underlying doubts he was having and he didn't want to string you along. Even without the argument, I am going to wager this wouldn't have lasted. 

He told me in his mind he was making a lot of effort seeing that the lockdown put a lot of restrictions on things. And I did agree with him to some extent but I just wished there could be more. 
 

I guess I’m just hurt as it’s the first time I experienced something like this. That things were going great and getting a bit more serious then he backs off completely. 
 

 

[allofyou]

Apart from being in his late 30s and never married or even lived with a partner before, he also mentioned that all his exes are crazy. While I already grew out of being the crazy girl and can confidently say I am super fun to be with without any drama involved. I guess the signs were there and I just ignored it ... 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 minutes ago, allofyou said:

I guess I’m just hurt as it’s the first time I experienced something like this. That things were going great and getting a bit more serious then he backs off completely. 

Were they really, though?

You were feeling some sort of disconnect if you felt he could put effort into talking to you. Not being able to see each other under lockdown, I completely understand. You really shouldn't be seeing each other at all right now. But keeping up communication is something different, and easier to do. If you were asking him to put in more effort, that implies you felt his interest level wasn't where yours was. No?

Edited April 30, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[allofyou]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Were they really, though?

You were feeling some sort of disconnect if you felt he could put effort into talking to you. Not being able to see each other under lockdown, I completely understand. You really shouldn't be seeing each other at all right now. But keeping up communication is something different, and easier to do. If you were asking him to put in more effort, that implies you felt his interest level wasn't where yours was. No?

We were seeing each other during the lockdown as we were kinda self isolating together but live separately. So we were seeing each other once a week, for the entire weekend. We were going to see each other more but there were restrictions from both our side which made it difficult but we did try to find ways to see each other more even during the lockdown. So I’m not sure if the lockdown still played a part of it. In the current environment, it’s hard to develop connection with someone when you’re just locked inside watching TV, lying in bed together and moaning about the virus, for weeks, when the foundation of the relationship is still so fragile. And at one point I did feel that I wasn’t having a deep connection with him and didn’t see that developing before the lockdown is over but I was keen to see how things go after the lockdown  

tbh I was very unsure what I needed to see from the start. Like I’ve been out of a relationship for so long and I’ve been pretty bad at dating. Sometimes I have these feelings in my head that they should text more, talk to me more, see me more, while feeling already content. I guess it’s largely insecurity that drove me to ask him to make more effort. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by allofyou

[MaleIntuition]

11 hours ago, allofyou said:

I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me. I thought that was an appropriate discussion as we have had other types of serious discussion about how we could make each other happy before. Everything was promising. Then he took that discussion and carried that onto an argument around how I don’t want him to see his friend and he didn’t like the negativity. There was just miscommunication which we talked through and I thought it was ok. 
 

We even talked about future plans for a bit. Then the next day he told me this. 

Sounds like a compatibility issue. It’s just a big red flag for many men, constantly nagging and trying to “fix things”. 
 

[balletomane]

OP, as time passes I think you'll start to see that things weren't as good as you thought. It does sound from what you're writing as if there were several signs that this wasn't working well. If it had been a while since you dated, or this man was much more considerate than previous exes, then it will be easy for you to idealize things.

I had a similar issue with a guy I dated briefly. He and I had been good friends before the relationship, or so I thought, so the way he handled the breakup was hurtful. He began treating me like a stranger. Over time it dawned on me that he'd never seen me as a friend, but as a romantic option. He'd only really spent time with me when he was between relationships, not when he was with someone else, and now he wasn't making an effort to stay friendly because I was no longer an option. It stung quite a lot to have to let go of my idea of what the friendship had really been. For a while I was doing what you're doing now - making excuses and rationalisations. Once you're through the initial hurt, you'll see this didn't come from nowhere.

It sounds as if insecurity is a problem for you, and being aware of that working on it will help you for when you start dating again.

[allofyou]

2 hours ago, balletomane said:

OP, as time passes I think you'll start to see that things weren't as good as you thought. It does sound from what you're writing as if there were several signs that this wasn't working well. If it had been a while since you dated, or this man was much more considerate than previous exes, then it will be easy for you to idealize things.

I had a similar issue with a guy I dated briefly. He and I had been good friends before the relationship, or so I thought, so the way he handled the breakup was hurtful. He began treating me like a stranger. Over time it dawned on me that he'd never seen me as a friend, but as a romantic option. He'd only really spent time with me when he was between relationships, not when he was with someone else, and now he wasn't making an effort to stay friendly because I was no longer an option. It stung quite a lot to have to let go of my idea of what the friendship had really been. For a while I was doing what you're doing now - making excuses and rationalisations. Once you're through the initial hurt, you'll see this didn't come from nowhere.

It sounds as if insecurity is a problem for you, and being aware of that working on it will help you for when you start dating again.

 

Yeah I’d like to know how not to idealise someone so early on. Since I don’t date a lot, nor do I find it easy to find someone I’d like to go out on a date with, when I found something so comforting, consistent and felt so “right”, I kinda just didn’t think about other things much. Then I’m left with the pain and disappointment before I even got to evaluate if he’s right for me as a partner. 

[d0nnivain]

14 hours ago, allofyou said:

Now I just pray that he doesn’t decide to come back after quarantine cos I know I might not be strong enough to say no

You are strong enough.  Take your time in quarantine & read self help self esteem boosters.  

 

 

13 hours ago, allofyou said:

I have to say I did blame myself for a bit. But I think at the end of the day, it’s not me it’s him. 
 

It really sucks cos I don’t date often and this is the longest dating experience I had in the last 2-3 years. 

Nope.  It's you.   You have yet to find the balance between expressing an appropriate level of interest without being needy or clingy.  You get too attached too fast.  You don't see the need for both good behavior (treating you like a GF) and the words (mutually agreeing to exclusivity & the BF/GF titles).  Without both, it's not a healthy relationship that you can rely upon.  It's just fun & causal.  

Go back to your quarantine assignment:  boost your self esteem.  

 

13 hours ago, allofyou said:

Was I wrong to make the request for him to make more effort? I know two months is a very short amount of time. I kinda wish I moved things a bit slowlier and kept my cool and let things develop. But I don’t want to think it was my problem  

im seeing a lot of advice like don’t act needy, don’t show emotions, don’t reveal how you feel too quickly and just chill for the first 2-3 months. 

You need to learn to check your emotions & not express them to a new person in your life.  Many people think a new SO ( < 6 months) has the obligation to behave like a long term partner of more then 2+ years.  You need to let that level of connection build over time.  Never put all your trust or emotions in somebody early.   Hold some of yourself back. 

Do give compliments.  It's OK to say I like you or I'm falling for you but  don't dive head first into love. 

Also talk about commitment before having sex.  If you have sex without that discussion, assume the other person has multiple partners & guard your heart & health accordingly.  

 

 

6 hours ago, allofyou said:

And you were right. I’d be so scared to bring up anything or disagree with him if that’s how he’s like. 

 

 How could you behave like a bf while not even thinking about how you feel about me? 

If you are walking on eggshells afraid to express yourself in small ways -- I'd like to watch a particular movie -- that is a problem.  Both partners need to have an equal voice.  That is not to say at 2-3 months you need to be asking for overt statements or gestures of love & commitment.  That early on when you are begging for more attention, the relationship is not working.  Do hold yourself back when it comes to saying ILY

As for how he treated you, a man being kind, gracious, or even romantic without the accompanying words of exclusivity is an indication that you are putting too much stock in the gestures.  He treated you "that way" because it was a sweet thing to do, not because it meant anything.  His lack of emotional connection was manifest in the absence of words.  You ascribing deeper meaning to him not treating you like garbage is on you, not him.  

 

5 hours ago, allofyou said:

 he also mentioned that all his exes are crazy. 

Red flag.  If all his EXs were crazy then it's him because he's the common denominator.  I suppose everybody has one bad pick in their past but all. . . .nope, that's on him.  

 

41 minutes ago, allofyou said:

Yeah I’d like to know how not to idealise someone so early on. Since I don’t date a lot, nor do I find it easy to find someone I’d like to go out on a date with, when I found something so comforting, consistent and felt so “right”, I kinda just didn’t think about other things much. Then I’m left with the pain and disappointment before I even got to evaluate if he’s right for me as a partner. 

You engage in logical self talk.  It's a function of time . . .you need a lot of time to fully trust.  Heck, during my 1st year of marriage I was always wondering when the other shoe would drop & DH would take off.    I knew that was my insecurity & didn't bring it up to DH.  I put on a happy fake it till you make it face knowing that I was reacting to the change of being part of a team after being single for 40 years.  Your partner does not need to be let in on every fleeting insecure crazy thought that flashes through your head.  A SO is not a therapist.  

When you find yourself falling in those early months, acknowledge the attraction & talk to yourself about it.  Pros & cons.  Is it too soon?  Is it too much?  Then consciously dial it back.  Do give the other person time & space to chase you.  Don't call / text every day.  Be interesting.  Have a life.   Never rearrange plans for a last minute invitation from a guy.  Make sure he understands that you are a catch with options.  It's not game playing.  Actually have other things going on.  

For example, when I was dating the man who is now my DH I was busy.  I had just opened my own business.  I served on 3 Boards of Trustees.  I was working my way up the leadership ladder of a women's business advisory group; I eventually became State President & ran a staff of 5.  I volunteered for 2 other organizations.  I had 2 PT teaching gigs as an adjunct professor at 2 different schools.  I was the primary caregiver for my elderly parents.  And I had a full social life with friends.  As my then new BF, DH learned early on that if he wanted to see me, he had to get on my schedule in advance because I didn't have a lot of free time.  He was busy too:  FT job, PT job & going to school on line.  

It's harder in quarantine because nobody has anything going on but when you have a full life it's easier to not get caught up in the early stages of a romance because as fun as that is, it is only 1 part of your life.  You made it the only important part of your life & that is how you got hurt  

Hang in there.  

[allofyou]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You are strong enough.  Take your time in quarantine & read self help self esteem boosters.  

 

 

Nope.  It's you.   You have yet to find the balance between expressing an appropriate level of interest without being needy or clingy.  You get too attached too fast.  You don't see the need for both good behavior (treating you like a GF) and the words (mutually agreeing to exclusivity & the BF/GF titles).  Without both, it's not a healthy relationship that you can rely upon.  It's just fun & causal.  

Go back to your quarantine assignment:  boost your self esteem.  

 

You need to learn to check your emotions & not express them to a new person in your life.  Many people think a new SO ( < 6 months) has the obligation to behave like a long term partner of more then 2+ years.  You need to let that level of connection build over time.  Never put all your trust or emotions in somebody early.   Hold some of yourself back. 

Do give compliments.  It's OK to say I like you or I'm falling for you but  don't dive head first into love. 

Also talk about commitment before having sex.  If you have sex without that discussion, assume the other person has multiple partners & guard your heart & health accordingly.  

 

 

If you are walking on eggshells afraid to express yourself in small ways -- I'd like to watch a particular movie -- that is a problem.  Both partners need to have an equal voice.  That is not to say at 2-3 months you need to be asking for overt statements or gestures of love & commitment.  That early on when you are begging for more attention, the relationship is not working.  Do hold yourself back when it comes to saying ILY

As for how he treated you, a man being kind, gracious, or even romantic without the accompanying words of exclusivity is an indication that you are putting too much stock in the gestures.  He treated you "that way" because it was a sweet thing to do, not because it meant anything.  His lack of emotional connection was manifest in the absence of words.  You ascribing deeper meaning to him not treating you like garbage is on you, not him.  

 

Red flag.  If all his EXs were crazy then it's him because he's the common denominator.  I suppose everybody has one bad pick in their past but all. . . .nope, that's on him.  

 

You engage in logical self talk.  It's a function of time . . .you need a lot of time to fully trust.  Heck, during my 1st year of marriage I was always wondering when the other shoe would drop & DH would take off.    I knew that was my insecurity & didn't bring it up to DH.  I put on a happy fake it till you make it face knowing that I was reacting to the change of being part of a team after being single for 40 years.  Your partner does not need to be let in on every fleeting insecure crazy thought that flashes through your head.  A SO is not a therapist.  

When you find yourself falling in those early months, acknowledge the attraction & talk to yourself about it.  Pros & cons.  Is it too soon?  Is it too much?  Then consciously dial it back.  Do give the other person time & space to chase you.  Don't call / text every day.  Be interesting.  Have a life.   Never rearrange plans for a last minute invitation from a guy.  Make sure he understands that you are a catch with options.  It's not game playing.  Actually have other things going on.  

For example, when I was dating the man who is now my DH I was busy.  I had just opened my own business.  I served on 3 Boards of Trustees.  I was working my way up the leadership ladder of a women's business advisory group; I eventually became State President & ran a staff of 5.  I volunteered for 2 other organizations.  I had 2 PT teaching gigs as an adjunct professor at 2 different schools.  I was the primary caregiver for my elderly parents.  And I had a full social life with friends.  As my then new BF, DH learned early on that if he wanted to see me, he had to get on my schedule in advance because I didn't have a lot of free time.  He was busy too:  FT job, PT job & going to school on line.  

It's harder in quarantine because nobody has anything going on but when you have a full life it's easier to not get caught up in the early stages of a romance because as fun as that is, it is only 1 part of your life.  You made it the only important part of your life & that is how you got hurt  

Hang in there.  

 

Woh thank you so much!! These are such good advice I need to print them out and stick them up the wall!!

 

The holding ourselves back, giving compliments and saying and doing nice things but not giving it all away was actually exactly what he was doing!! I guess that worked incredibly well for him to hold back his feelings lol I need to do this more often and remind myself over and over again! 
 

Question tho; how do I know when it’s too much too soon? For me I normally think the 2-3 months mark is the right time for exclusivity / title. If someone asked me a month in for exclusivity, that works for me too. Now I get that some people take it very slowly. And that me asking for more of his effort (and I have to admit I didn’t ask in a correct way like “it would be nice if we spend more time together”.. I asked in a very confrontational way I must admit) would push a lot of people away especially when things are so early still. How do I safely know when it’s not too much too soon?
 

One advice I quite like is: give a little and receive a little, match their interests and never be way more keen than they are in the honey moon stage 

[Lotsgoingon]

The process of letting go can start here, as Expat said:

I told him I wished he could make more effort in talking to me more and doing things with me.

This feeling is a sign that things were NEVER great. Start your letting go there!

Wanting someone to "talk to you more" and "do more things with you" = other person is not really interested. People who are really into us will run through hurricanes to get together with us and make us feel appreciated.  What this tells me is that you're romanticizing the relationship, blocking out the insecurity (and that's the feeling we almost always have when someone is not spending the time we want with us). Bottom line: this was NOT some fantasy-good relationship.

Another way to move on is to figure out what you could have done earlier on. Ignoring the feeling that we are not prioritized ... NEVER works.  When someone isn't available like we want, almost always the best step is  pull back--NOT tell the person we want more time. Pulling back helps us rely on ourselves ... and it stops us from chasing the other person in a lopsided relationship. 

Think back and identify early on when you felt like you wanted more time. That's a key moment. That may sound minor to you--it's not. In the future, pay attention to that moment if a relationship has just begun. That sign is almost always bad. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

5 hours ago, allofyou said:

How do I safely know when it’s not too much too soon?

Part of it is self confidence.  Part of it is reading people.  

If you are ready for exclusivity bring it up, but give the other person an out & know your own deal breakers.  

About a month into meeting DH I was ready for a sexual relationship & exclusivity but I wasn't sue how to gage / read him so I soft peddled it.  I said something along the lines of 

Hey, can we talk about "us?'.  I just wanted to let you know where I stand.  I like you & I like what we have going on. It doesn't need to change now if that freaks you out but I'd be willing to move forward if you are game.  If you are there yet, that's OK too.  I'm just testing the waters. 

He seemed OK with that but what I didn't know yet, is he isn't good with words.  He had no idea how to express what he was feeling & thinking.  I'm a wordy girl who talks.  Words come easy to me & I have a clear (some say brutal) communication style so I plowed forward.  I said something about being willing to take our relationship to a sexual level and needing a verbal commitment to exclusivity before that happened but being happy to move along at his pace.  At that point he told me he had not been on a date with anybody other than me in months (I had other dates during the 1st 2 weeks we knew each other) & that he'd taken down his OLD profile shortly after we met.  (We did not meet on line but I knew he had been on Match).  We spent the next weekend together & haven't looked back. 

I knew myself well enough to know that 1) . I was ready to move forward with him but I was OK with staying where we were.  2).  I was ready to wait for him to catch up and 3).  if he walked away I would not be devastated. Disappointed sure but he wasn't an essential part of my life yet.  It was just fun / casual.   I also knew that if he didn't catch up within a few months, I was done. I had been with somebody who couldn't commit to marriage for 10 years.  In my late 30s I no longer had time to waste.  

[allofyou]

17 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Part of it is self confidence.  Part of it is reading people.  

If you are ready for exclusivity bring it up, but give the other person an out & know your own deal breakers.  

About a month into meeting DH I was ready for a sexual relationship & exclusivity but I wasn't sue how to gage / read him so I soft peddled it.  I said something along the lines of 

Hey, can we talk about "us?'.  I just wanted to let you know where I stand.  I like you & I like what we have going on. It doesn't need to change now if that freaks you out but I'd be willing to move forward if you are game.  If you are there yet, that's OK too.  I'm just testing the waters. 

He seemed OK with that but what I didn't know yet, is he isn't good with words.  He had no idea how to express what he was feeling & thinking.  I'm a wordy girl who talks.  Words come easy to me & I have a clear (some say brutal) communication style so I plowed forward.  I said something about being willing to take our relationship to a sexual level and needing a verbal commitment to exclusivity before that happened but being happy to move along at his pace.  At that point he told me he had not been on a date with anybody other than me in months (I had other dates during the 1st 2 weeks we knew each other) & that he'd taken down his OLD profile shortly after we met.  (We did not meet on line but I knew he had been on Match).  We spent the next weekend together & haven't looked back. 

I knew myself well enough to know that 1) . I was ready to move forward with him but I was OK with staying where we were.  2).  I was ready to wait for him to catch up and 3).  if he walked away I would not be devastated. Disappointed sure but he wasn't an essential part of my life yet.  It was just fun / casual.   I also knew that if he didn't catch up within a few months, I was done. I had been with somebody who couldn't commit to marriage for 10 years.  In my late 30s I no longer had time to waste.  

I wish I had known this before!! I guess I just had to make this mistake before I meet the right person

another thing is, what  would you suggest if I always tend to over invest myself because I feel that my clock is ticking and I do have strong desire for a partner?

 

I do absolutely love my life and I am someone who enjoys doing things on my own a lot of the time. But I think my nature is I enjoy taking care of people and making people happy too. And I do desire kisses and cuddles (a lot of those) with someone I love. And I want a family. Even tho I am happily single, I still want those things a lot. I’m not sure if you used to feel the same? So whenever I feel comfortable kissing and cuddling a guy, taking care of him and showing him love as long as he show enough interests back, I fall hard without even thinking deeply if this is the man I want. It sounds so stupid of me but I really want to get out of this rut. 
 

I know you might say therapy but it’s just too expensive ..

Edited May 1, 2020 by allofyou

[d0nnivain]

Therapy is an investment you make in yourself.  There are some cost effective options on line & through telemed especially in these times of social distancing. 

If you really can't afford therapy self help books are the next best thing.  Try reading some.