Can anxious -avoidant relationship question.

[ctlguy]

I just recently discovered attachment styles after my GF and I have had struggles. I cant believe I am just now discovering this gem of answers to our problems. I am a anxious attachment style and she is textbook avoidant. For myself I am very relieved I have the answers for myself of things I need to work on to correct. On the other hand I have read that these relationships are doomed. 

She is 44. Her parents were abusive but she was married for 12 years to a narcissist, then was in a relationship for 6 years with a LOT of off and ons. Apparently they spent very little time together which she stated maybe was the reason they lasted that long. Now I came along 5 months ago not long after their breakup (I know dismissed the red flags).Anyway our first 2.5 months were great! It got very serious and now its a roller coaster. 

She has stated many times that she needs to take thing very slow but she gets more distant and I have expressed I get talking it slow but I need to see if moving forward some vs backwards. 

I was considering jumping ship now until I discovered this. Can avoidants ever change with time if you are aware of what the dynamic is? Its been confusing because I have felt she didnt has a strong desire to be with me as much as I did with her. She acts confused by that statement and says she wants us to work but questions whether we can or if we are compatible.

Can a avoidant- anxious work toward to the middle to a secure attachment with enough work?

[ExpatInItaly]

It rather sounds like she's just not sure if you two are a match. This isn't necessarily about her attachment style; it could be down to plain lack of interest. 

In your other thread on April 1 you wrote that you two broke up. So are you now back together, or?

[ctlguy]

On 4/30/2020 at 3:13 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

It rather sounds like she's just not sure if you two are a match. This isn't necessarily about her attachment style; it could be down to plain lack of interest. 

In your other thread on April 1 you wrote that you two broke up. So are you now back together, or?

I am half way through the book "attached", and she fits the mold to a T. Our whole passed few months makes complete sense now. When things are good things are real good, and she even talks a lots about future plans and is open with me. Then...she withdraws out of nowhere. 

After our last split she reached out, missed me, etc. Her friends said she was having a terrible time with it and we have been somewhat in a grey area. 

[NomiMalone]

I subscribe to the idea of attachment styles too, and I get when you’re coming from. I’m anxious as well and I avoid avoidants (lol) like the plague. I get that you love her and want things to work out, but dating isn’t meant to be this hard. 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ctlguy said:

I am half way through the book "attached", and she fits the mold to a T. Our whole passed few months makes complete sense now. When things are good things are real good, and she even talks a lots about future plans and is open with me. Then...she withdraws out of nowhere. 

After our last split she reached out, missed me, etc. Her friends said she was having a terrible time with it and we have been somewhat in a grey area. 

I get that. 

But there's only so much "understanding" we can and should extend to other people. If they're not acknowledging and addressing the issues, there's not much more that can be done. At some point, we sometimes have to concede that it's not going to work. Understanding someone and what motivates their behavior is only part of equation. They have to agree with those assessments and thus want to make changes.

If she's not doing that, you're going to keep going in circles and this relationship will never go further.