Frustration With Dating Has Me to Irrational Thoughts.

[JCDallas]

Hey guys. I've posted here before, and thank you for all of your help so far. I'm a 26 year old straight male from NJ. I've had well over a handful of different relationships, all of which ended poorly (see a previous post of mine for more info on that if you'd like to know the story) and I'm just starting to get frustrated with women, so much so that it has gotten me to question myself irrationally, asking questions like if I'm even meant to be with a woman in general, should I be dating men? I know I 100% definitely am meant to be with a girl now, I've now moved past this thought, that's not the issue to me remotely anymore (I know for a fact I am definitely completely straight and I only get/have gotten certain feelings towards girls, it's never happened towards a guy, I would admit if it did, I've done a scientific like experiment on that issue lol) The issue I'm having is, I'm so frustrated with all thats happened that I'm losing hope in my ability to find real love, and I'm almost expecting whenever my next relationship is, to not end the way I want it to. I recently signed up for eHarmony for the first time ever while there was a discount, I was going to sign up for it eventually, so I took advantage of the sale while I could. I did this to start to open myself up to people who are as serious as I am, but I'm still so frustrated with the fact that seemingly every woman I've talked to in the past has let me down, which in turn has me letting myself down. Does anyone have any advice on how to get off of this mindset? The whole "the right woman will come at the right time, or when you least expect it" message doesn't work with me, I try to listen to it, but it just doesn't work for me. Also, I've heard the "Love yourself before loving a woman" thing too, and I definitely do love myself and my life, so there's that. I've even heard "you're 26 years old, you're still young, enjoy your life" type quotes too. I'm not desperate, I can definitely be happy on my own if I need to, but I also very much don't want to be in this mindset of being frustrated with women anymore. Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated, thanks! 

Edited April 30, 2020 by JCDallas

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Are you attracting a certain type of girl?  Do you focus on looks more than personality or values?

I was just talking about this with a friend.  Young women (especially those who are good looking) are cursed with the mindset that the grass is always greener over yonder so they have one foot out the door while pretending to be in a relationship.  I was very much like this in my 20’s.  
I grew out of it in my thirties.

My advice is to not take relationships so seriously.  It is only a part of your identity.  It should not be your entire identity.  Just enjoy the dating experience/opportunities you have while young.  It should be fun and not a chore.  Learn to walk sooner if a girl does not make you feel secure and good about yourself.  Focus on actions and not words. Use dating and relationships to learn about yourself and to grow.  Use them to practice your “good boyfriend ’‘ skills.  All these things you will need to keep the girl of your dreams happy so get to work.

One day you will find a girl who has matured enough to be in a serious relationship.  But it prob won’t be until closer to 30.

 

[JCDallas]

  Interesting perspective, thanks. I never looked at it this way. I guess I've been taking it too seriously lately, trying to find that right one all the time and failing all the time, and finding the right person is the only thing that's been on my mind lately.. I need to remember there's more to life, I guess it's just been tough because I've been stuck in my house for 2 months thinking about only this, thanks to quarantine. It hasn't been ideal lately.

Edited April 30, 2020 by JCDallas

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes I totally know where you are coming from in regards to being too serious.  It is easy to do it.  My last LT ended because we both took our relationship too seriously.  It stopped being fun and that lead to its death.  It was a hard lesson for me to learn but I have learned!

It is a good skill to learn to not get attached to ideas in your head or attached to certain ‘wants”.  These attachments narrow our field of vision and result in repeating cycles.

Learn to be open and to go with the flow.  Being open will open your field of view and let you see more of your landscape.  
Back in the day the book The Celestine Prophesy was a very popular book that addressed this concept in a fictional form.  Great read for the covid life.