I don't see a future with my bf

[BoogieWoogie]

Hey all. I've been dating "Trevor" for about 6 months now. I'm 23 and he's 21. The beginning was fine as it always is, with the honeymoon phase and all, but overall it's really lackluster and I have huge issues with Trevor that should have been a deal-breaker from the beginning, but well, I learned my lesson and I'm here now.

He got his degree around the time we started dating, so he's been done with school for a while. He has no car, no license, and has never worked a day in his life. In the beginning, I thought "Okay, maybe he just wanted all his focus to be on school". I've encouraged him to start catching up to adulthood and broken down these goals for him, since the big picture can be overwhelming, starting with a license. All he does is game and talk with his friends from his home-state online, so he has plenty of free time, but all he's accomplished this entire time was a learner's permit. He hasn't expressed any desire to do these things on his own accord and his parents are nice folks but they don't seem to give a s*** about encouraging him to gain some independence. I like to game too, but it's kind of ridiculous to be a grown adult with a useful degree who chooses to stay home and do nothing with their life. He doesn't want to do much of anything, so this brings me to my next issue.

His mental health is not good, but he refuses to get help. He's told me he's had suicidal thoughts and has attempted to self-harm in the past few months, and when we get in an argument, he stonewalls me. He insecure; he constantly needs reassurance and has doubts about my feelings for him, which honestly have pushed me to the point where his doubts are true now. He's also expressed that he doesn't really have any passions and nothing makes him feel any sense of fulfillment. I've tried to nudge him in the right direction by giving him numbers of therapists who take his insurance and fit his preferences, but he hasn't bothered calling them. I know therapy doesn't suit everyone, but he refuses to even try, saying that he doesn't want "some guy telling him what to do", which is not what therapy's about. 

Lastly, I've been realizing that we just don't don't have much in common and he's not interested in sharing things with me so I'm just plain bored in the relationship. I like to play games too but we don't play the same things. He plays "ranked" games or whatever so he doesn't want me to play, but refuses to play anything I want to play. He doesn't watch any shows but when I suggest we give try out a show or movie, he doesn't want to or doesn't seem keen on it. I practically have to beg him to play/watch something with me. OH, but if his friends are playing/watching something, he won't hesitate to do it. I'd be open to HIS suggestions if he had any, but he doesn't, so we're at an impasse.

When I bring these issues up, things go okay for a few days when he's on top of things. But then he just stops trying. Now that we're in quarantine, it's hard to find ways to spend time together from a distance when he doesn't want to sync up a movie with me to watch, or play something together. He's scared of losing me but I'm at the end of my rope because he doesn't take action. 

I know it's not my job or place to "guide" him, I realize that. I care about him but whether or not I'm in his life, his issues are only gonna affect him. My patience has worn thin and I want to break up, but I'm absolutely dreading the breakup because quarantine makes it such a different situation and I can't deal with it by hanging out with friends or anything.

 

 

[stillafool]

You are correct it isn't your job to guide him.  That is his parents job.  So you want to break up with him but won't because you'll be lonely during the quarantine?  It's almost over.  Lucky for you you've only been dating 6 months so it should be pretty easy to put this behind you and find someone who is more mature and certainly more compatible.

[BoogieWoogie]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

You are correct it isn't your job to guide him.  That is his parents job.  So you want to break up with him but won't because you'll be lonely during the quarantine?  It's almost over.  Lucky for you you've only been dating 6 months so it should be pretty easy to put this behind you and find someone who is more mature and certainly more compatible.

Thank you for your reply, hopefully this quarantine will be over soon in my area since population is pretty dense here. It just helps to cope to be able to go out/meet with friends/new people but you're right that it shouldn't be hard to get over a short relationship pretty easily. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by BoogieWoogie

[d0nnivain]

There is no upside to dating him.  You can't stay with him simply to avoid hurting his feelings.  

The cliché -- this isn't working for me anymore -- exists for a reason.  Use it.  Be done.  Tell him now while he has the support of his parents during quarantine & limited options to do anything drastic.  

When your quarantine is lifted, enter the world a free spirt.  

[preraph]

Your world is wide open with possibilities and people who will make you happy.  Don't waste your youth with this guy.  It's just enabling him further.  Let him work up the muster to fix himself and get help.  

 

Break up with him and then if he starts with the theatrics and suicide threats, don't reward that.  Call the police immediately.  Most people who do that are doing it to get their way or for attention, and if that is the case, that will stop him from continuing to play that card like a child.  If he's serious, even more reason to just call the police because they are the only ones (and medics) who can take him right to the hospital to have to get help.  So calling 911 is the ONLY right thing to do when a person is making suicide threats or talking a lot about it.  

Let someone in his family know you're getting ready to do it so someone is on standby for it and it won't be your problem anymore.  Block him from contacting you since he's unstable.  Good luck.

[scooby-philly]

Agreed. As a man, I can say a lot of potentially decent guys get tripped up by parents who don't force a little bit of "goals" in the right amount through teen and early adulthood years. While he could turn out a great guy and a great partner, as of now he's not capable of fulfilling what you want in a partner. Let him down easily, but do not succumb to any drama from him or any emotional drama from yourself. It's not your job to "fix" your partner. And you certainly tried, from what you shared, being a good partner and giving him support to get him going on fixing himself. But people need to want to change. That's the first rule in 12-step programs and I feel it applies in any situation where someone needs to address a problem. If they don't see it as a problem or they minimize the impact of the problem, there's nothing anyone else can do directly. And playing games like threatening to leave him, or leaving him and then taking him back before he's really changed, isn't going to help him in the long run and it's not what you want nor is it fair or healthy for you. Move on with a clear conscious and let it go.

[Realitysux]

Unfortunately, I was like that too. Depression isn't something a relationship can solve. It would be ideal, someone suffering with it and another person comes in and solves it but that's not the case. You can only fix yourself and in order to do that, you have to be by yourself. The best thing to do is the hardest thing because you have to put all people aside. You have to give yourself the opportunity to do it without pressure or time limits. It's very difficult and it takes steps to walk out of it. Once you are out if it, you have to recognize when you are falling back into it and stop yourself. The best thing you can do for yourself and your boyfriend is leave and let him work out his own issues. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[spiderowl]

Sounds like it's over for you but not for him and you are feeling guilty because of that.  You have tried to help him with mental health issues and he is not willing to try.  I would say have one more try and then give up.  You are not responsible for his mental health.  It is a very difficult situation because someone with depression may not seek help for themselves, but his reluctance seems to be based on false preconceptions not a lack of energy to seek help.  I would reassure him that therapists are not there to tell him what to do.  Point him in the direction of people who could help and ask him to make the effort because it is harming your relationship.  I would then wait a short while to see if he does make an appointment.  If he does not get round to it after a couple of weeks or refuses to do so, then you can break up with him.  I know it is easy to say and far harder to do but he is not helping himself and you are not his mother. 

You should not have to persuade him to spend time with you.  It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into this relationship which is giving you very little (if anything) back.  I am sorry it is not working out, that is hard on you and I know that you are going through the sadness and frustration of this.  I get the feeling that you have reached the point where you are saying you have had enough and cannot see a way forward.  A kind nurse once said to me 'Your feelings matter too' and it was a revelation.  I hope it helps you.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

There is definitely a future between you two but it ain't good.

[kendahke]

On 4/30/2020 at 11:43 AM, BoogieWoogie said:

I know it's not my job or place to "guide" him, I realize that. I care about him but whether or not I'm in his life, his issues are only gonna affect him. My patience has worn thin and I want to break up, but I'm absolutely dreading the breakup because quarantine makes it such a different situation and I can't deal with it by hanging out with friends or anything.

When it comes to you doing what you need to do in order to be ready to move on once this quarantine is lifted, you're as lazy as he is.

Deal with it by finding an online therapist to teleconference with you to help you get through this. They are out there.

You need to go on and break up and use the time of quarantine to work through your issues with the therapist so that the heavy lift aspect of all this is done and done when the 'all clear' is given.

[ShyViolet]

You need to end this relationship as soon as possible.  The quarantine has nothing to do with it and is not a reason to delay the breakup.  You've only been dating this guy 6 months, that's not that long.  Do yourself and him a favor and end this failing relationship before 6 months turns into a year or more..... then breaking up will only be that much harder.

This guy is not going to change.  His depression and mental health issues are not your problem.  If he tries to use his depression or suicidal thoughts to guilt you into staying.... don't.  That's manipulation.  He has tools right at his disposal to help himself with his mental issues, if he so chooses.  It's his responsibility.