Wife's communication with her ex

[penguins1010]

My wife and I have been having problems lately. She said she doesn't connect to me anymore. I feel like this stems from her ex who she has a child with. They haven't been together since she was 9 weeks pregnant and the child is now 2. I have been raising her as my own daughter since before she was even born. We have been in and out of court with her abusive ex. He was held in contempt of court in February and is still on supervised visits after 2 years.

Fast forward to now. Since COVID has been going on he hasn't had anyone to supervise his visits. So my wife decided to let him facetime our daughter until he can get back on schedule. This is a man that we had an order of protection against and a no contact order on for 2 years. It just expired in January. Since it expired he has been contacting my wife again by text and using our daughter as the reason. But before this he never hardly used his visitation at all. Only once the order of protection expired did he really start acting like he cared. I feel that this is totally to get back with my wife. We even meet him at a park so he could see the daughter. Which I don't feel like was anyone our duty to do that.

Because of the way this man is and all of the things he did to us before we got the order of protection my wife and I decided it was best to do parallel parenting with him and have very little contact at all. But now I feel like this is all out the window. When he video calls he ends up talking to my wife and it is just to personal for me. If I say anything at all she gets angry with me. I just thought when he called he would only be talking to the daughter. And I mean how long can you actually talk on the phone to a 2 year old? He will end up staying on the phone for over an hour and will end up chatting with my wife. This all makes me very uncomfortable and I have such an uneasy feeling.

Am I taking this the wrong way and should somehow not let it bother me? Or is there a reason I feel like this inside?

 

[schlumpy]

That your wife is not on the same page as you are is a red flag. You have every right to feel apprehensive. The question here is what do you do about it?

If you lay down the law and say no more chit-chat you come off as weak and insecure and if you allow her to go on then interactions may or may not develop that will harm the relationship.

I don't think you can control her behavior regardless of what rules you come up with. That's not realistic and will probably get you the exact opposite reaction of what you want.

I suggest you have a quiet talk about what is an what is not appropriate and try to get through to her how serious you are. Then it's on her. Just be prepared to follow through if she crosses your line. 

[penguins1010]

I don't want to come off as jealous or insecure. But I just don't think this is right. I feel like we should only go by the court order. We had discussed parallel parenting once the order of protection ended. That way we would only have to communicate important things not chit chat 3 or 4 times a week. I guess that all got thrown out the window. She acted scared of him before the order ended. Even cried the day it ended. But to end up meeting up with him at a park and being on facetime 3 hours a week? It just doesn't settle well with me.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, penguins1010 said:

They haven't been together since she was 9 weeks pregnant and the child is now 2. I have been raising her as my own daughter since before she was even born.

You jumped in there,
He left when she was 2 months pregnant and by the time she delivered you were there ready to hold the baby. 
Her saviour.
You then rushed into marriage.

1 hour ago, penguins1010 said:

If I say anything at all she gets angry with me

Now he is back on the scene, her loyalty has transferred back to him.
You.are the rebound, he is her ex and her child's father. 
That is a big deal.
Many women want to play happy families with their child's biological father.
My guess she wants him back and she is rejecting you.

[penguins1010]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You jumped in there,
He left when she was 2 months pregnant and by the time she delivered you were there ready to hold the baby. 
Her saviour.
You then rushed into marriage.

Now he is back on the scene, her loyalty has transferred back to him.
You.are the rebound, he is her ex and her child's father. 
That is a big deal.
Many women want to play happy families with their child's biological father.
My guess she wants him back and she is rejecting you.

That's how I feel. I asked if we could just do the chats on his scheduled every other Sunday and she agreed. But he is now trying to call at least 2 or 3 times every week for an hour or more. And texting at least every other day. I tried talking to her about it and she got defensive and said that she can't control what he does and that if I can't trust her we don't have any reason to be together. But I feel she can control how often she lets him call. And that she should stick to the court order. What was the point of even going to court now? 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

But I feel she can control how often she lets him call.

Yes she can but she doesn't want to.
Some abused women (I am assuming she was abused), once "free" never look back, but others seem to have a bond with their abuser that is very hard to break.
They will leave lovely, calm, non-abusive relationships  to go back to what they described as "pure hell" previously...
 

[ShyViolet]

You chose to marry a woman who has a kid with another man.  Regardless of his shady past, and unless he becomes so shady that he loses custody altogether, she is going to be legally tied to this guy for the next 16 years, because of this child.   They are co-parents and she is going to have to talk to him sometimes.  

I'm not sure why you have a problem with them talking.  Are they talking about anything inappropriate?  Whether you like it or not, she has to communicate with him regarding the child.  It's not your place to say they shouldn't talk.

[schlumpy]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Now he is back on the scene, her loyalty has transferred back to him.

You.are the rebound, he is her ex and her child's father. 
That is a big deal.
Many women want to play happy families with their child's biological father.
My guess she wants him back and she is rejecting you.

I have to admit Elaine that your logic fell together in my mind with a satisfying click. Since they were married I didn't think about a rebound.

Have a cup of your favorite coffee and put your feet up for awhile.🙂

[gamon]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

 Whether you like it or not, she has to communicate with him regarding the child.  It's not your place to say they shouldn't talk.

They obviously aren't talking about a 2 year old child for several hours per week.

 

[gamon]

I'm having some trouble with the timeline. They were together until she was about 7 months pregnant. You were with her and "raising the child" before she was even born. So you have been together less than 22 months by my calculations, and you're already married?

Sounds like you really rushed into things with a woman pregnant with another guy's child, a woman who was abused by the father of her child, a woman who has no issues whatsoever with chatting with him several times per week and even meeting with him. She shrugs your oppositions off with a "if you don't trust me maybe we shouldn't be together".

Based on what I've read here which admittedly is only a small cross section of your life, I suggest you seriously consider taking her up on the suggestion.

 

 

[rjc149]

8 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

If I say anything at all she gets angry with me. 

This may sound harsh and a bit brash, and I'm going to employ some "manosphere" terms here that you may disdain, but this is all with the best intentions:

You're already the cuckold, married to a woman who still holds a candle for her bad boy ex while you dutifully raise his child with your resources. Now, to boot, she gets to set the frame and dictate the terms, she gets to tell you what's what in your relationship, while you tread on eggshells praying you won't upset her by standing up for yourself... 

Your attitude and position here is very, very weak and beta. If this is a loss of attraction occurring, which it appears to be, it's obvious why. 

Your easily identifiable problem here is that you're not willing to enforce your boundaries and/or walk away, and she knows that. She's got you in her pocket. Hence her loss of attraction for you, and the resulting disrespectful behavior. 

Grow a pair and stand up for yourself. If you don't like her spending that long on the phone with her ex, tell her. Communication with the ex covers childcare and ONLY that. 30 seconds to a minute per call. Set some boundaries and assert yourself. Be the man in this relationship and start demanding some basic respect from her, like not texting and spending hours on the phone with her ex right in front of you. If she gets mad, tough sh-t. There's the door sweetheart, don't let it hit you on the way out. It's not your child, not your legal responsibility, so you're in an easy position to walk away. Be actually willing to do that. 

Start meeting new women. 

[Marc878]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You chose to marry a woman who has a kid with another man.  Regardless of his shady past, and unless he becomes so shady that he loses custody altogether, she is going to be legally tied to this guy for the next 16 years, because of this child.   They are co-parents and she is going to have to talk to him sometimes.  

I'm not sure why you have a problem with them talking.  Are they talking about anything inappropriate?  Whether you like it or not, she has to communicate with him regarding the child.  It's not your place to say they shouldn't talk.

Nope, not really. I know 3 of which 2 have young kids. They keep everything separate and only communicate by text or email. No one wants an x in the mix. 
 

From what he’s posted his wife has no boundaries and they are heading for a train wreck because of it.

[Marc878]

Everyone is correct. You were a rebound. Or maybe a convenient checkbook.

Let her go. You can’t fix this. Be glad you didn’t adopt the kid.
 

Accept the short term pain and get out now or you’re going to be in for some real long term pain. 

[GoldenR]

Wanna wake her up?

File for D. Tell her she has until it's final to convince you she's serious about her relationship with you.  

Let reality sink in on what life will be like with that f***stick supporting her on his minimum wage job. 

[S2B]

A two year old won’t remember  his calls and has the attention span of 20 seconds.

the calls are for your wife and for her ex.

if she won’t knock it off then divorce her. She’s betraying you by spending an hour on the phone with this jerk.

 

[penguins1010]

I hear what you all are saying. I know his games seen them before. It was a nice 2 years without him. He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he goes off again. I can already see how he is getting from the texts and the calls. The first couple of weeks was short and sweet. Then he noticed he had his foot in the door. He is now using that to try and get further in. I'm not dumb I know what's happening. And he is a loser. A massage therapist, so he gets paid rubbing down women lol.

[Marc878]

6 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

I hear what you all are saying. I know his games seen them before. It was a nice 2 years without him. He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he goes off again. I can already see how he is getting from the texts and the calls. The first couple of weeks was short and sweet. Then he noticed he had his foot in the door. He is now using that to try and get further in. I'm not dumb I know what's happening. And he is a loser. A massage therapist, so he gets paid rubbing down women lol.

That maybe true but currently she is picking him over you. This is on her. She’s the main problem.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that this man is not some random ex that can be squeezed out, ostracised and banished to the annals of time.
He is going to be ever present in some way or another as he is the child's father.

[Blind-Sided]

Everything above is right.  Her ex will always be there on some level because of the kid. Since you are married... this point alone needs an honest "Grown-up" conversation about her talking with him.  DO NOT let her be upset or angry... and if she says it's none of your business, or it doesn't concern you... or something like that... tell her that it is 100% your concern since she is your wife, and this man will be around FOREVER !!!  it is your right to have a say in this.

Now... If he is truly abusive... and not just a story from her... then once again... it is your right to voice your opinion.  Not just for a personal well being... but for her safety too.  Now... I don't always believe this crap since I'm an honest, caring, and nice person.  But my exW went to the local abuse center, tried to hang an abuse flag on me... went to every person I know to try to spread the rumor (including my folks)... and was in the works of getting a PFA on me to get me thrown out of my house !!!!!!!!!  She even took me to court on a contempt charge because our oldest daughter refused to go to her house after she moved.   Guess what... there was ZERO truth to any of that... and even the judge dropped the contempt charge since she saw that I wasn't influencing my kid.

So... with that said... you should have a talk with your wife on EXACTLY why they were no longer together.  Then... since you are the new husband... you have the right to talk to the exH.  You should really ask him his side.   If you are smart... you will see where the truth is.

And finally... ask yourself... "Was I just the safety net or rebound so she could get away?"   If you feel the answer is yes... and you feel that she is not being truthful, or avoiding the talk on her contacting her ex... then just go file. (sorry to have to say that) But since you haven't been together very long... the courts will probably side with you.  If you wait 3 or 4 more years... you will be paying alimony, and giving up a lot of your stuff.

Good luck with what the final outcome is.

Edited May 1, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[rjc149]

56 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he goes off again. 

The ticking time bomb here is when your wife starts hooking up with him again. 

Call him a loser, a deadbeat, whatever. He is not the issue here. The issue is the current state of your relationship with your wife, and the reason why it's shaky is because you are behaving like a weak beta male and she is losing respect and attraction for you. 

 

[mark clemson]

52 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

And finally... ask yourself... "Was I just the safety net or rebound so she could get away?"   If you feel the answer is yes... and you feel that she is not being truthful, or avoiding the talk on her contacting her ex... then just go file. (sorry to have to say that) But since you haven't been together very long... the courts will probably side with you.  If you wait 3 or 4 more years... you will be paying alimony, and giving up a lot of your stuff.

While I too never like suggesting people divorce, there is practical logic to this idea, given your specific situation. She might go back to him, which would probably be hard to watch, but some people have trouble sorting out their own best interests.

You could also insist that she stop the extensive conversations with the Ex and threaten divorce if she doesn't. Don't do that unless you're willing to go through with it, as A) it may backfire with her saying that's ok, and B) she may "call your bluff" and keep talking to him anyway. You'd need to be willing to follow through. I think IF you go this route, it would need to be stated in the context of a conversation around who she's really committed to, and appropriate boundaries, etc.

So I think per Elaine's read on the situation and others above, divorce is genuinely something for you to at least consider here. It feels bad suggesting these ideas to you, but really - this willingness to engage on her part is pretty sketchy. Logically she should be wanting as little to do with the guy as humanly possible. For better or worse people's emotional decisions often aren't ruled by logic.

[elaine567]

55 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

it's shaky is because you are behaving like a weak beta male

That may be true, but penguins1010 is a woman not a man.

[rjc149]

1 minute ago, elaine567 said:

That may be true, but penguins1010 is a woman not a man.

Ehhh... lol... what? Is that a figurative statement, or is this a lesbian marriage? 

Because if the latter, that's a doozy and I can't really opine on that. I can only assume that in this case, her sexual urges for the man with whom she procreated will always be -- different -- than her sexual urges for another female. Sort of like making the New York Yankees compete with the Miami Dolphins. 

[JS84]

2 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

I hear what you all are saying. I know his games seen them before. It was a nice 2 years without him. He is a ticking time bomb and its only a matter of time before he goes off again. I can already see how he is getting from the texts and the calls. The first couple of weeks was short and sweet. Then he noticed he had his foot in the door. He is now using that to try and get further in. I'm not dumb I know what's happening. And he is a loser. A massage therapist, so he gets paid rubbing down women lol.

Knowing what's going on and actually doing something about it are two very different things. So what are you going to do???

[mark clemson]

43 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Ehhh... lol... what? Is that a figurative statement, or is this a lesbian marriage?

Her profile indicates she is female.