What did I do wrong?

[Moondaisy]

      Hey everyone,

      I am going to to try to keep it short as much as possible, although I may have to go into particulars so that you can understand it completely.

     There is a guy that I met online four years ago -the year I started uni- and we have kept in touch since then. I am 22 and he is 23. He is not from my country, we haven't met in person and our communication has solely been based on text messages so far, except for some voice recordings; it would appear that he is quite an introverted kind of person for real.

     I think the first two years were only me and him being really close friends, whenever one of us (or even both of us) felt down, we would listen to each other's problems for hours, and try to find solutions. I have always felt that he was the person I connected with on a deeper level than I ever did with anyone else, despite the fact that we have different cultural backgrounds, families etc. One day,  out of the blue, he told me that he had feelings for me. I was literally baffled. Then things started to change, of course. Because we were not like friends anymore, it was just becoming more than that. But it was not like a real relationship, either; because we were not in the same place. However, we kept talking. I kept telling him that I liked him too, and I was just too impatient to meet him as soon as possible, so that we could get to know each other much better, and see if things could work out or not. He was also constantly telling me how much he wanted to meet me. For sure we had a strong chemistry, and many topics to talk about, however our relationship has never been as flirty even when we presumed so. We were just really ambitious about each other.

     Last year I applied for an exchange program abroad for my last year at uni, and I actually made it to his home country. I wouldn't say that he is the only reason that I am here, obviously I am here mainly for studies but he has been an inspiration for me to learn his culture and language and I just love it. Anyways, I've wanted to meet him so badly since I arrived, of course. He told me that he was feeling quite weird and nervous now that I am here, yet he many times stated that he really wanted us to meet as soon as possible. However, we have never met. Once I offered him to split the costs for him to come to my city (we are in different regions), another time told him that I could go visit him. However, he declined it saying that he has some problems with his family and health issues, along with some other issues. It was really frustrating not being able to meet despite being so close. Some time passed, and he told me that we can meet in the following months if everyhting goes well, mainly financial wise. But again, nothing happened. Breaking point loading. . .

     During the Christmas break I decided to solo travel somewhere random, I was in another country for a few days. Staying in a hostel, I just clicked with a really nice guy and we spent time together, exploring around. The day we were about to leave, an intimacy developed between us and I just let it loose at that moment. But later, I felt kind of horrible for some reason and told him about it. He was devastated and angry, possibly quite disappointed too. I apologized to him many times. But nothing has ever been the same since then. He doesn't seem to be interested at all anymore. 

     I don't know, I just don't really know if I've made something terribly wrong? Or... Did he overract? I mean, we were not even in a romantic relationship to begin with, and I began to feel like he wasn't willing enough to meet or have anything more real anyways. Seeing how harsh his reaction was though... Now I am completely stumped. We've been talking on and off since that happened, however I feel like nothing is the same anymore. What do you think I should do? Should I try to reach out to him, or just leave him alone?

Thanks in advance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2020 by Moondaisy

[preraph]

That guy online doesn't want to have a real relationship. He doesn't even want to meet you. They may not even be who or what he says he is. He could be married or anything. There is just no reason at all to keep talking to him. 

 

I mean you're right there in his country offering to come visit him and he is saying no. A guy can't be much more clear than that. His reaction to this other thing may just be that he's judgy about women. Long distance relationships are not real. It's never going to be real because he doesn't want to meet you. He's probably hiding something. 

 

you should just have fun doing what you're doing and not worry about that guy and start getting away from him. 

[ShyViolet]

This guy who you've been talking to online isn't looking for a real-life relationship.  As soon as you started trying to make plans to meet in person, he got scared off.  It sounds like all he really wanted was the fantasy, the online relationship.

This "relationship" you've had with this online guy is not a real relationship at all.  You did absolutely nothing wrong in hooking up with the guy you met while traveling.  What are you supposed to do, put your life on hold for some guy who you've never met and are never going to meet?  It sounds like you should just move on from the online guy.  

[ExpatInItaly]

He has zero reason to be angry with you, OP. I'm frankly not even sure why chose to tell him about this. It's not his business and you didn't owe it to him.

He's been avoiding meeting you, much less trying to date you. There are red flags all over this. He's either not exactly who he says he is, or he's not single. There is some reason he refuses to meet you in person and you might never find out what that is. This just gave him a convenient excuse to get you to stop asking him to meet, but OP, it was never going to happen. 

It's time to let go of this online guy. It was a fantasy that isn't going to come to fruition in reality. 

EDIT: Is this the same guy you wrote about back in 2018? The one who refused to Skype with you?

Edited May 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[preraph]

^ Oh, man.  Seriously?  Why do people waste time like this?  

[Moondaisy]

On 5/1/2020 at 2:46 AM, preraph said:

That guy online doesn't want to have a real relationship. He doesn't even want to meet you. They may not even be who or what he says he is. He could be married or anything. There is just no reason at all to keep talking to him. 

 

I mean you're right there in his country offering to come visit him and he is saying no. A guy can't be much more clear than that. His reaction to this other thing may just be that he's judgy about women. Long distance relationships are not real. It's never going to be real because he doesn't want to meet you. He's probably hiding something. 

 

you should just have fun doing what you're doing and not worry about that guy and start getting away from him. 

Sometimes I also feel like he's not being 100% honest, but mostly not really. 

Thank you.

On 5/1/2020 at 5:03 AM, ShyViolet said:

This guy who you've been talking to online isn't looking for a real-life relationship.  As soon as you started trying to make plans to meet in person, he got scared off.  It sounds like all he really wanted was the fantasy, the online relationship.

This "relationship" you've had with this online guy is not a real relationship at all.  You did absolutely nothing wrong in hooking up with the guy you met while traveling.  What are you supposed to do, put your life on hold for some guy who you've never met and are never going to meet?  It sounds like you should just move on from the online guy.  

Thank you.

On 5/1/2020 at 4:58 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

He has zero reason to be angry with you, OP. I'm frankly not even sure why chose to tell him about this. It's not his business and you didn't owe it to him.

He's been avoiding meeting you, much less trying to date you. There are red flags all over this. He's either not exactly who he says he is, or he's not single. There is some reason he refuses to meet you in person and you might never find out what that is. This just gave him a convenient excuse to get you to stop asking him to meet, but OP, it was never going to happen. 

It's time to let go of this online guy. It was a fantasy that isn't going to come to fruition in reality. 

EDIT: Is this the same guy you wrote about back in 2018? The one who refused to Skype with you?

I told him about this thing because I would always tell him everything going on in my life, he would do the same as well. 

No, he is not the same guy. 

On 5/1/2020 at 6:01 PM, preraph said:

^ Oh, man.  Seriously?  Why do people waste time like this?  

I know this might come off as silly, but I never regard it as a waste of time, even now. In real life I don't have many friends and having a bunch of people online always helps a lot even though it also brings about some problems.

 

Update: Yesterday night I sent him a long message saying all the things I have had on my mind for a long time, with all honesty. He replied back with a long text. I've never been so relieved before. We made some points clear and decided not to treat each other as potential close friends or dates. From now on, we will be having casual conversations, which means we're not gonna cut off the ties completely but it will be on a moderate level so that we won't hurt each other. 

Thank you for your responses.

[preraph]

You have to be so careful online. Sometimes there are even people that you know in real life lupo's has other people online and trick you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Moondaisy said:

No, he is not the same guy. 

I know this might come off as silly, but I never regard it as a waste of time, even now. In real life I don't have many friends and having a bunch of people online always helps a lot even though it also brings about some problems.

You might want to explore your tendency to try to build relationships with people online as opposed to real life.  It doesn't seem it's helping you, at least when it comes to trying to have a romantic relationship. You don't know these men and it's just not realistic to try to "date" them when you have clue who they are to any measurable, verifiable degree. These guys could easily be feeding you all kinds of lies or hiding any number of things that would otherwise send you running. It's not a safe investment, emotionally or otherwise. It appears the fantasy far outweighs the reality and you get your hopes up only to have them dashed when these dudes dodge the real chance of meeting you. 

As for this guy? Eh, let it die. It's not going to happen. And think about how you can better improve your love life with local men. What's the reason you tend to shy away from real, in-person relationships?

[TeddyBundy1993]

You spent money to come to his country offer him to split cost of travelling he doesn't wanna meet what does it tells you ?he probably is a scam my dear and decidedly not in love with you no chance. I was in " love" with a women from different culture country for 3 years we defeated all obstacles to meet finally like parents immigration s*** visas just realize she doesnt see me compatible.  

I know these days social sites brings people closer but what we fail to see is reality is harsh. My suggestion is probably stay away from this guy he's probably a scam. Else he would have made to you in his own country.  4 years is a long time. Have fun, meet people dont feel guilty he doesnt own you.  Let him be jealous it's none of his business.  Yes you have less friends but remember having someone  toxic in life is much more worse than being lonely. 

[d0nnivain]

On 5/2/2020 at 8:19 PM, Moondaisy said:

 From now on, we will be having casual conversations, which means we're not gonna cut off the ties completely but it will be on a moderate level so that we won't hurt each other. 

Glad you came to a compromise that works for you.  Your pen pal never wants to be anything more then a pen pal.  If you can accept that, then carry on.  Pin no further hopes or expectations on him & never send him $$

[preraph]

He's either married or he's a 57 year old female truck driver.

[justwhoiam]

On 5/1/2020 at 2:01 AM, Moondaisy said:

 He is not from my country

1. What is your country?

2. What is his country?

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During the Christmas break I decided to solo travel somewhere random, I was in another country for a few days

3. What was this third country?

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an intimacy developed between us and I just let it loose at that moment

So you had sex like a one-night stand? That makes me think you felt you were emotionally free and not romantically involved with anyone. Someone with a "crush" on someone else wouldn't have a quick involvement for a possible one-night stand.

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I apologized to him many times. But nothing has ever been the same since then. He doesn't seem to be interested at all anymore.

Well, he must have come to the conclusion you're not girlfriend material. Again, I'd need to know more about where he's from. Also, what city are you at and what city is he at? Or regions maybe. This is useful to understand the distance between you two and how feasible it was for him to meet you.

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I don't know, I just don't really know if I've made something terribly wrong?

What do you think? A guy says he has feelings for you and you hook up with another guy, after saying you liked him back no less...

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Did he overract?

Ignoring you is not overreacting. I think he's managing the situation well, after he was planning the trip to come and see you.

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I mean, we were not even in a romantic relationship to begin with

It had the potential of a romantic relationship... but proximity with male population in a hostel got the best of you. Hence you can't be trusted. Especially if this had to become a distance relationship pretty soon (you have to go back to your country, eventually).

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he wasn't willing enough to meet

This move you made for school was not planned together with him. It's something you decided by yourself. And why didn't you offer to go visit him where he lives?

Anyway, not even one phone call in 4 years makes all this very suspicious.

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What do you think I should do? Should I try to reach out to him, or just leave him alone?

Leave him alone. And next time, think better when you hook up with guys randomly. It might be a lose-lose situation for you.

[stillafool]

On 5/2/2020 at 8:19 PM, Moondaisy said:

Update: Yesterday night I sent him a long message saying all the things I have had on my mind for a long time, with all honesty. He replied back with a long text. I've never been so relieved before. We made some points clear and decided not to treat each other as potential close friends or dates. From now on, we will be having casual conversations, which means we're not gonna cut off the ties completely but it will be on a moderate level so that we won't hurt each other. 

Thank you for your responses.

If this is true what is the point in even communicating anymore.  What is left?  A professional relationship?

[Moondaisy]

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

1. What is your country?

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

2. What is his country?

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

3. What was this third country?

I hope you don't mind me not revealing the countries, because I want to stay anonymous as much as possible. 

 

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

So you had sex like a one-night stand? That makes me think you felt you were emotionally free and not romantically involved with anyone. Someone with a "crush" on someone else wouldn't have a quick involvement for a possible one-night stand.

Yes, I did. Despite feeling bad about it for some time, now when I think about it, it wasn't such a terrible thing to do because I was not romantically involved with anyone, like you already mentioned.

 

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

Well, he must have come to the conclusion you're not girlfriend material. Again, I'd need to know more about where he's from. Also, what city are you at and what city is he at? Or regions maybe. This is useful to understand the distance between you two and how feasible it was for him to meet you.

There is a distance of nearly 600 kilometres between us. 

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

What do you think? A guy says he has feelings for you and you hook up with another guy, after saying you liked him back no less...

Yes you are right, it doesn't sound really nice when you think about it this way.

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

Ignoring you is not overreacting. I think he's managing the situation well, after he was planning the trip to come and see you.

It had the potential of a romantic relationship... but proximity with male population in a hostel got the best of you. Hence you can't be trusted. Especially if this had to become a distance relationship pretty soon (you have to go back to your country, eventually).

No matter what happened, he could have just told me about his thoughts and feelings... Ignoring someone isn't the best way to manage the situation I guess.

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

This move you made for school was not planned together with him. It's something you decided by yourself. And why didn't you offer to go visit him where he lives?

Of course it was my decision. But as I wrote earlier, we already had plans to meet. 

I offered to visit him. ''Once I offered him to split the costs for him to come to my city (we are in different regions), another time told him that I could go visit him.''

But he declined.

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

Anyway, not even one phone call in 4 years makes all this very suspicious.

Yes, good point. 

On 5/11/2020 at 3:55 PM, justwhoiam said:

Leave him alone. And next time, think better when you hook up with guys randomly. It might be a lose-lose situation for you.

I think it's not a one-sided thing. I don't know what he's doing there in his city, because he tends to not talk about it that much. I told him what was on my mind and what was happening all the time because I though it was fair.

[Moondaisy]

On 5/11/2020 at 4:05 PM, stillafool said:

If this is true what is the point in even communicating anymore.  What is left?  A professional relationship?

I guess you are right, there is no point in communicating. 

[stillafool]

49 minutes ago, Moondaisy said:

I guess you are right, there is no point in communicating. 

You're right by not communicating with him like a friend but keeping it professional because trying to be his friend will keep you stuck on him.  You'll be okay.

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Moondaisy said:

I guess you are right, there is no point in communicating. 

There really isn't. 

I don't think this guy is being honest with you about this real situation. He sounds like he's already got a girlfriend. 

[justwhoiam]

On 6/4/2020 at 1:14 AM, Moondaisy said:

I hope you don't mind me not revealing the countries, because I want to stay anonymous as much as possible.

Well, you said that you're only 600 km apart from each other, which is a pretty manageable distance. But I assume it's the distance while being in the same country. Is that correct? What is the distance normally?

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I was not romantically involved with anyone, like you already mentioned.

Exactly. You were not this online mysterious guy's girlfriend. And telling him you had sex with another guy was kind of inappropriate. Even if you felt you shouldn't have done it, in hindsight, you were still single. But well, you'll know better for the future.

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he could have just told me about his thoughts and feelings... Ignoring someone isn't the best way to manage the situation I guess.

Assuming that this guy is real and didn't lie about his personal situation... you can't decide someone's reaction... he had a crush on you, and he might still have it. But reason gets inbetween and putting effort into a dream, an idea, a whim, might sound as the thing not to do.

As we all told you, leave him alone. He might come back. So be prepared. It's either a meetup or going no contact. There was enough stringing along already.

[DearingFrau]

You have nothing to feel sorry about.  You expressed feelings towards him, even moved without ever meeting him, and still he wouldn't come and meet you.  Most likely he's in a relationship, too afraid to make it real, or he's not who he says he is.  All excellent reasons to move on and close the door.  You should follow the no contact rules with him, and rid yourself of any guilt completely. Call that other guy, he's more real than you and this other man ever were.  Plus, you're too young to hang onto this pseudo-relationship that will never come to be.  You went with that new guy because your gut is telling you this is the truth. 

Plus, it's manipulative and very ugly for him to feel jealous of you and be upset with you when you gave him every chance and he doesn't want to take it.

Good luck!

[Moondaisy]

Thank you all for your responses!