Distrust grows - missing engagement ring

[lil_missy]

Sorry didn’t know where to post this whether in here or in separation and divorce. 

If you read my previous threads my husband and I are on the brink of divorce. We pretty much seperated due to him not being honest about a lot of money related issues, not being transparent and putting us in a lot of debt. But he came clean with his debts recently and we have been working towards getting back together, as long as he kept honest with me. But this latest incident has me not trusting him again. 

So basically I haven’t had my engagement ring on me for a few months now. At the end of last year when we were still together, hubby took it off me to give to his uncle who is a jeweller to do some upgrades to it. 

Anyway we fought and seperated and I never asked for it back. Now a few months later I asked him where is the engagement is it with your uncle? He replied that he had given it back to me. 

I said no you never gave it back to me I’m sure of that. He said he left it on my bedside table during/after one of our fights and thought I’d taken it. But I’ve never seen anything left there. 

He said he will look for it in case he took it back and he’ll be pissed if it’s lost but he will get me a new one if we can’t find it. 

But I just don’t know if I believe his story. 

I confronted him and said did he pawn it for money? Bcuz of all the financial distress he was under. And he swore up and down on our sons life that he would never do that. 

But it just makes no sense. I still don’t believe him. 

And this reminds me of another time. A brand iPhone I bought in a box just went missing as well never to be found. And of course my first instinct was NOT to suspect my husband, but there is no one else that comes over to our house and has access to it really. 

I just don’t know if he is lying to me. If he is I really am completely done with him. To look me in the eye and swear on our sons life, that’s not acceptable to me in the least. 

I just wish I had proof that he is lying this uncertainty is the worst and makes me think I’m going crazy 

What do you guys think? 

[ShyViolet]

His story makes no sense.... yeah I DEFINITELY think he's lying.  For him to say that he left it there, and then for him to say that he'll "look for it"... he knows he never left it on the table.  And yeah I definitely think he took the phone, too.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

You know, I was actually thinking the same thing but didn't say it.

[lil_missy]

45 minutes ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

He used to do drugs - heroin- when he was much younger then got off it years before we met. He had told me he would never do it again but I do have my doubts. He is currently on methadone for “ back pain” for a year now. And I thought that counteracted the effect of opioids so technically  there is no point in him taking drugs? 

And also he is a chubby guy n has gained some more weight recently in iso, doesn’t heroin make you lose weight not gain? 

But yeh I don’t know where his money has gone, he told me it was all interests and fees from pay day loans that he did not pay on time. Ie the money not really spent anywhere but more just fees n interests. But we’re talking 10-20k 

I’m really sick of him by this point, I know all his bad habits and have still accepted him. The only thing I asked for is honesty from him and seems he can’t give me that. 

I just wish I could prove his lying. 

Edited May 1, 2020 by lil_missy

[JS84]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

This is what I was wondering when I read the original story. Have dealt with a ton of addicts in the ER over the years as well as my best friend's brother. Just a very familiar sounding story.

[lil_missy]

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

10-20K? 
omg - that’s like throwing money away! That’s like you are working for free because money just vanishes with him!!!

NO NO NO - do not stay with him!

ive seen heroin users who are heavy! And girl - you need to get away fast!

yes, I’m 99% positive he’s using and you are paying for it - your wedding ring paid for his heroin - the iPhone paid for the drugs! and all the money he ever had likely went to his drug habit!

I've had way too many years helping druggies get clean - and this is what it looks like when they are using! I even had one sponsee steak from me and try to blame it on my young kids! He was the only one in my house that day and $250 was missing from my wallet when it was there that morning!

get out now. He will lie and steal everything that’s worth $5

you do NOT need to stay any longer! He can go stay at his family’s house - have him leave tonight! 

I feel a bit sick to the stomach now after reading this. I remember a handful of other occasions where cash has gone missing in the house, and he said it was our little son ( 1 yo at the time) going through my wallet. Well sometimes the baby did go through my wallet. But my point is if the baby got to it, it would show up somewhere eventually, not just disappear?! 

And another time we went to a friends bbq in the park and $250 went missing from my wallet and we asked everyone thought someone stole from my wallet in my bag which I left unattended. But now i think who knows that could even have been him? 

So you deal with a lot a addicts? Could it be gambling as well if not drugs? 

So these addicts will lie and say anything to the ones they love?i mean he swore on our sons life that his not lying to me.  Or do they just not even care about anyone or anything else anymore 

what happens to most of them? 

I am scared bcuz I can’t prove anything. But now I don’t even want him around our son. 

He has been living seperately from us at his moms house for over 3 months now and only sees our son on the weekend. I’m def not moving back in with him. 

 

[JS84]

You don't need to prove anything. He has a history of heroin addiction. People can be clean for years and relapse. My best friend's brother (heroin addict) stole his Dad's custom $45,000 motorcycle from his driveway. He never admitted it, I don't think anyone ever accused him directly either, but everyone knew it was him. They will steal anything and lie to your face like it's nothing. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and your child. They will go through insane and horrifying lengths to get their next fix. Most people don't understand just how addicting heroin is until they've dealt with addicts they know/love. Unfortunately by the time they do the emotional, physical, social, and financial damage has taken a heavy tole.

I'm an ER nurse so I deal with heroin addicts all the time and have seen some crazy s*** but like I said when it's someone you know, it's really bad.

Edited May 1, 2020 by JS84

[lil_missy]

13 minutes ago, JS84 said:

You don't need to prove anything. He has a history of heroin addiction. People can be clean for years and relapse. My best friend's brother (heroin addict) stole his Dad's custom $45,000 motorcycle from his driveway. He never admitted it, I don't think anyone ever accused him directly either, but everyone knew it was him. They will steal anything and lie to your face like it's nothing. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and your child. They will go through insane and horrifying lengths to get their next fix. Most people don't understand just how addicting heroin is until they've dealt with addicts they know/love. Unfortunately by the time they do the emotional, physical, social, and financial damage has taken a heavy tole.

I'm an ER nurse so I deal with heroin addicts all the time and have seen some crazy s*** but like I said when it's someone you know, it's really bad.

Did your friends brother’s show other signs of heroin abuse? What are some of the other signs I should look out for? 

I mean I did google it but he is able to work, hold up a conversation, drive and do most things a normal person can do. Like you can’t tell that he is using at all. 

[lil_missy]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

Please get educated on people who have used heroin in their past.

most never recover. He obviously moved to other forms of drugs in order to avoid doing the hard work it takes to be happy being sober.

money disappears when you are around meth users and heroin users. 
yes, his behavior definitely looks like he’s actively using.

file for divorce knowing you will never trust him.

personally, I’ve sponsored many - three made their recovery look so consistent and happy that I never had to wonder if they would stay sober. The odds are bad.when lies are present and things go missing - you have an active user...no doubt about it. 

out of the 160+ people I’ve sponsored - most were alcoholics - 80% recovered with excellent long term results when they did the work. 
 

get out before it starts looking really ugly. if you want your ring ask the local pawn shop - that’s where they usually get $5-$10 for anything they turn in. It’s their go to place. I’m serious.

 

How can I ask the local pawn shop? Don’t they have client confidentiality? 

Should I pretend I’m trying to pay off my husbands account and do it that way? 

[JS84]

15 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

Did your friends brother’s show other signs of heroin abuse? What are some of the other signs I should look out for? 

I mean I did google it but he is able to work, hold up a conversation, drive and do most things a normal person can do. Like you can’t tell that he is using at all. 

The thing is if you didn't know him well or didn't spend a ton of time around him, you'd think he was perfectly fine. I saw him sporadically myself but if my best friend hadn't been keeping me in the loop about how him being an addict and the effect it was having on their family, especially his parents, I would have thought everything was okay including him. He was a very charismatic guy. Funny, good story teller, my mother thought he was good looking (sadly she only got to see him at his funeral).

As for your second question it would be hard for me to say. I've never had to deal with one on a personal level in my regular life. I'm much more familiar with the aftermath addicts leave behind. And if he's actively using right now, whether it's heroin or something else, I wouldn't bother looking for any other signs at this point. For now you should just go into protection mode for you and your child. The more you stress out about him, what he's doing, thinking, looking for signs, etc you'll drain yourself. It's almost like dealing with a narcissist. They're financial and emotional vampires. I would recommend looking out for signs if he was in recovery or you were afraid of a relapse. But for now you should just focus on yourself/child.

[lil_missy]

39 minutes ago, S2B said:

Where does he work? How many hours/a week? 
 

have you ever gone to his work? Does his money go into a joint account? 
 

have you asked for the paperwork for the loan place? You need proof of ANYTHING he says (lies about)! Start demanding answers! When my acquaintance was actively using - he got money from those loan places... they charge interest that should be illegal. But I doubt he went there... he likely spent the money on drugs.

are his pupils pinpoint? 
 

a good husband would always make sure the family unit feels safe and provides income to support them! Your requirements should have set off alarm bells a LONG time ago! Get busy catching up by taking action!

when you get child support make sure the court takes it directly from his employer/paycheck and puts it directly i your account!

make sure and change passwords on everything NOW! He may access your accounts!

He works in an office job doing 9-5 on superannuation. I’ve seen his screen shots of his work computer and he always tells me about stuff that happens at work. So unless his making all that up too, I tend to believe he is working. I mean he tells me a lot of details about his manager n worksmate and things his working on, in our general chitchat everyday. 

His money was going into a joint account until about a year ago we seperated accounts, that’s the first time I found out he hid a 25k debt from me. 

I have seen paper work for these pay day loans, not all of them but some. I have seen maybe 3 or 4? But from what his told me he has taken out at least 8-10 of them over 3 years and cannot keep track of them. If he takes out 2k each on 10 loans and pays interest on all of these that could be easily 20k on top of the 20k he borrowed. Once I didn’t had a debt collector call me looking for him. 

But he def could be using and I’m not picking up the signs... 

[lil_missy]

45 minutes ago, S2B said:

you will also need Rita’s h your child how to deal with lies and disappointment... so start learning aboutwhat that entails too.
 

my prior post was meant to say:

you need to teach your child... 

I wouldn’t even know where to start on that, my son is 3 years old now and loves his father to death! As far as I can see, they mean the world to eachother. I cannot believe he would do this to his only son that he claims to love more than anything 

[lil_missy]

I do have a Rolex watch which I don’t wear anymore after I gained weight and doesn’t fit nomore. I’m surprised he didn’t pawn that? 

When I confronted him about the ring, he said pawn shops don’t take female jewellery from guys bcuz it could be stolen. I said how do you even know that? And he says his got mates that tried to do it 

[JS84]

Quote

When I confronted him about the ring, he said pawn shops don’t take female jewellery from guys bcuz it could be stolen. I said how do you even know that? And he says his got mates that tried to do it 

Only been to a couple of pawn shops but I'm like 95% sure that's not true.

[LynneVicious]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex husband is an addict. He would swear on his kids’ lives regularly. I also had stuff go missing - most famously the diamond trim my engagement ring which was worth 10k and he probably got $100 for it. 
 

honestly, your beginning post says you distrust him and your instinct is telling you that he took the ring. Plus too many coincidences of him and missing money. Does that happen to you or people you k ow? That they happen to be around when things go missing? No. 
 

since you are separated and you are concerned about drug use, you can take it to the courts to ask for supervised visitation - and you’ll both have to pass drug tests. I’d be more concerned about your young son with him than anything else.

in addition, you can go to pawn shops with a description of the ring or a pic if you have it! But go to the police and report it stolen first. 
 

And I also didn’t know my ex was high all the time (cocaine) because I had no experience with that drug at all. But in hindsight? Oh yes, everything makes sense now. And I knew that what was happening with your story because you said he had a problem with heroin in the past. And I don’t know any doc who would prescribe methadone for back pain... to an addict. He still is an addict and I think I know where your missing items went.

i know this is a lot to unpack and is awful for you, but please take the necessary steps to protect your son and yourself.

[preraph]

Call the person that he said he took it to for upgrades which sounds fishy to begin with. I don't believe any of that. I think he just took it and pawned it.

[preraph]

Of course his uncle would probably lie for him. but there was no way he brought that ring back and just left it on the table and didn't say anything.

[lil_missy]

3 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex husband is an addict. He would swear on his kids’ lives regularly. I also had stuff go missing - most famously the diamond trim my engagement ring which was worth 10k and he probably got $100 for it. 
 

honestly, your beginning post says you distrust him and your instinct is telling you that he took the ring. Plus too many coincidences of him and missing money. Does that happen to you or people you k ow? That they happen to be around when things go missing? No. 
 

since you are separated and you are concerned about drug use, you can take it to the courts to ask for supervised visitation - and you’ll both have to pass drug tests. I’d be more concerned about your young son with him than anything else.

in addition, you can go to pawn shops with a description of the ring or a pic if you have it! But go to the police and report it stolen first. 
 

And I also didn’t know my ex was high all the time (cocaine) because I had no experience with that drug at all. But in hindsight? Oh yes, everything makes sense now. And I knew that what was happening with your story because you said he had a problem with heroin in the past. And I don’t know any doc who would prescribe methadone for back pain... to an addict. He still is an addict and I think I know where your missing items went.

i know this is a lot to unpack and is awful for you, but please take the necessary steps to protect your son and yourself.

Thanks for sharing, how did u find out your ex was on drugs? Did u ever have proof? 

ESP thanks for the advice on the court and supervised visits. I know he loves our son to death and would never put him in any danger and his never alone with him coz he lives with his whole family atm and they all ADORE him, he is their only grandchild. 

so u do think he started using again and then he went to the doc to get methadone to try to get off? 

Now that u mentioned methadone, we did go on a overseas trip for a month before we got married and he got a months worth of mdone tablets from his doctor to take with him, I wonder if he was on drugs then? 

Edited May 1, 2020 by lil_missy

[lil_missy]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Call the person that he said he took it to for upgrades which sounds fishy to begin with. I don't believe any of that. I think he just took it and pawned it.

I thought about calling his uncle but there’s no point im not close to him, he won’t be honest with me and it will just get around to his family that I’m calling behind his back. 

For what it’s worth, he did take my ring to his uncle another time previously to get resized and he did give it back to me that time. 

Edited May 1, 2020 by lil_missy

[lil_missy]

For what it’s worth, A while ago he actually told me he couldnt get off methadone, and he wanted to go to rehab. That was really during the worst of our issues. And he told me he had paid for a rehab and just needs to get leave from work which they are tight about. Anyway in the end he didn’t go, and he told me the money (5k) he paid the rehab he took it back to pay debts.

as for my progress, we are in the middle of selling our house. He has signed documents that all proceeds from the house goes to me. So once that’s sold we will have no financial ties. With my son I will see, I know that I will have no issue getting full custody if he is really a druggie. But right now he only gets him for 2 days on the weekend and I’ve had no issues with him there. We videochat all the time when he is with his dad and I know he has a good time there. 

[LynneVicious]

22 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

 

For what it’s worth, A while ago he actually told me he couldnt get off methadone, and he wanted to go to rehab. That was really during the worst of our issues. And he told me he had paid for a rehab and just needs to get leave from work which they are tight about.

 

From what you’ve said, I believe he’s on drugs again. There is always a progression. A months worth of Methodone at first only lasts a month, then 2 weeks, then a week, then 3 days, then it’s heroin because it’s cheaper. 
 

it would definitely make sense as to why money goes missing and from your previous posts, he never has any money. Is there a way you can check performance at his job? Or even if he has a job at this point?

Tell him you have suspicions that he’s spending his money on drugs, and to allay your fears, have him take a drug test. If he refuses, he’s on drugs.

ans of course he may love his son more than anything on earth, but if he’s getting high off merhodine or heroin, he just can’t make sound parental choices. The child would be in extreme danger. 

[lil_missy]

I’ve been watching videos all night on YouTube about heroin addiction and what it looks it. There was a video of a girl who’s husband hid a pill addiction from her for years and they finally divorced and she was looking back on the signs. It was quite scary a lot of it is very familiar to me, the money going missing, payday loans, going to the toilet for 1 hr at a time. My hubby also doses off a lot, and I always joked that his like my grandma who can be one talking on min and snoring the next. The most scary bit is that I’m so naive just like that girl, she believed everything her husband told her and so did I! 

But there was other signs not there - he still cared about things, about me n our son a lot, he is not disengaged or not caring. I heard a lot of drug user just withdraw and stop caring anymore. My hubby is not like that at all. 

He also doesnt get moody and nasty and blow up over nothing. He gets grumpy sometimes but never angry at me or our son. 

He has gained weight which is consistent with methadone use, not lost weight which is common with heroin use. 

Also he is upfront with me when he is getting methadone withdraws, tells me he needs to go pharmacy to get his dose, his getting all sweaty/achey, can’t sleep etc. sometimes he gets his mdone  on the street too when his dose is too low. 

So im unsure, I feel a lot of his symptoms can be attributed to the methadone and I did only start noticing them in the past year or so since he starting using. I feel if I confront him he will definitely explain it away like that. 

But he definitely hasn’t been honest with me about everything. I would believe it if he was using heroin as well. 

I believe whatever he is on, he def knows it’s a problem and wants to get off. That’s why last time he mentioned a drug rehab centre to me and showed me the website. But obviously for financial reasons he was not able to go. I also encouraged him to weaned off methadone as we didn’t have the money to send him to rehab. 

Edited May 2, 2020 by lil_missy

[IndigoNight]

Methadone can be prescribed to treat severe unretractable pain. When it is, the doctor tends to carefully monitor the patient, and give urine/blood tests to measure the levels of it in a patient. It has similar effects to heroine, but much less intense. Suboxone is more commonly used to treat severe, long lasting pain. Again, it tends to be closely monitored by the prescribing physician. A patient on either of those medications would have an pretty extensive medical history to justify the use of such a strong pain management treatment. He should be able to show you his medical records to prove what he is being treated for, and what, if any, medications he had been prescribed to manage the pain.

It is possible to be addicted to methadone. It is a slow acting opioid. While the user wouldn't get the high of heroine, there would still be a high. All one would have to do for a better high is take a higher dose than prescribed 

Payday loans aren't just for addicts. Sometimes people have no other way to get money right away. They are what is referred to as predatory loan. It is an apt term, as they prey on people's desperation. I do believe that the law requires then to limit how many loans can be taken out, the amount of the loans, and how many consecutive months a person can renew the loan by paying interest. If you know who he has taken out loans with, you can call and see them what there terms of use are

IF he is an addict I doubt he'd use a pawn shop for the ring. Paying his dealer with it would be the more likely choice. Pawn shops have an accounting record of every single piece of merchandise they purchase. They can be fined into bankruptcy for buying stolen property. While he may have found a shady owner to sell things to, it'd be more likely to go through a dealer to either pay off debt, it score more product.

Asking if a shop purchased anything is generally a waste off time. They rarely share information, unless law enforcement involved. If they do buy something, the sheet would be given a passed ticket for the transaction. Ask him if you can see his pawn ticket.

You can buy a drug test at just aboutt any pharmacy, or drug store. They're not overly expensive, and produce results within minutes. Ask him to take one. His response should be mildly annoyed, if that, but willing to do so. Unless, of course, he has something to hide. Pupils can either be pinpoint, or very dilated, depending on the drug. His weight means very little. I've seen plenty of obese methamphetamine users, and skinny marijuana users. How drugs affect the user varies depending on the drug, how much was taken, and a person's tolerance. Etc

If you think he is stealing you could try putting money someone here can get to it. Discreetly mark the bills. I suggest something that can only be seen under blacklight. Get a blacklight. Keep track of the money, and as soon as you notice it missing, break out the blacklight. Or, purchase a nanny camera, or other hidden surveillance camera. Have it set up to record the area the money is in. Watch and wait. Double whammy with marked bills and surveillance. If it's in your home you should be able to legally record him, but check your laws of you're concerned. 

To be honest OP, it seems like you are grasping at straws to prove his innocence. When a member tells you something, you often explain all of the reasons that it doesn't apply to him, if possible. You Googled heroin addicts. Okay, but you have to know that there symptoms and side effects listed are only the most common, and not all the ones that are possible.

I understand why you don't want your son's father to be a thief and an addict. No one does! However, his activities scream that he is up to something. Maybe it's not heroin, but based on things you've shared here he's into something that isn't good for him, you, or your son.

Drug test him! Offer to take one yourself so he can't claim any unfairness.

Change your passwords AND your security questions to answers he would never guess. 

Make sure he had no access to your finances (bank account,etc)

Buy a safe to store your valuables and don't tell him about it. Make sure it has a numeric keypad so you won't have to worry about him finding the key. Again, don't use a coffee he could guess.

Purchase a surveillance system and have it installed.

Hire a private investigator to keep tabs on his comings and goings.

Keeping your son, and yourself safe (financially, emotionally/mentally, and physically) is the priority. You might want to check into IC or group therapy for loved ones of addicts to help you understand things better 

 

 

 

[Fair]

OOOOOHHHHHH boy. He's GASLIGHTING you! This is emotional abuse. He knows very well where that ring is.

Tell him to keep it. Honestly. DO NOT MARRY him.

[Fair]

And don't fall for any excuses.