Distrust grows - missing engagement ring

[lil_missy]

Sorry didn’t know where to post this whether in here or in separation and divorce. 

If you read my previous threads my husband and I are on the brink of divorce. We pretty much seperated due to him not being honest about a lot of money related issues, not being transparent and putting us in a lot of debt. But he came clean with his debts recently and we have been working towards getting back together, as long as he kept honest with me. But this latest incident has me not trusting him again. 

So basically I haven’t had my engagement ring on me for a few months now. At the end of last year when we were still together, hubby took it off me to give to his uncle who is a jeweller to do some upgrades to it. 

Anyway we fought and seperated and I never asked for it back. Now a few months later I asked him where is the engagement is it with your uncle? He replied that he had given it back to me. 

I said no you never gave it back to me I’m sure of that. He said he left it on my bedside table during/after one of our fights and thought I’d taken it. But I’ve never seen anything left there. 

He said he will look for it in case he took it back and he’ll be pissed if it’s lost but he will get me a new one if we can’t find it. 

But I just don’t know if I believe his story. 

I confronted him and said did he pawn it for money? Bcuz of all the financial distress he was under. And he swore up and down on our sons life that he would never do that. 

But it just makes no sense. I still don’t believe him. 

And this reminds me of another time. A brand iPhone I bought in a box just went missing as well never to be found. And of course my first instinct was NOT to suspect my husband, but there is no one else that comes over to our house and has access to it really. 

I just don’t know if he is lying to me. If he is I really am completely done with him. To look me in the eye and swear on our sons life, that’s not acceptable to me in the least. 

I just wish I had proof that he is lying this uncertainty is the worst and makes me think I’m going crazy 

What do you guys think? 

[ShyViolet]

His story makes no sense.... yeah I DEFINITELY think he's lying.  For him to say that he left it there, and then for him to say that he'll "look for it"... he knows he never left it on the table.  And yeah I definitely think he took the phone, too.

[S2B]

Does he so drugs?

[S2B]

Start checking... missing items of value is behavior of a druggy.

[ShyViolet]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

You know, I was actually thinking the same thing but didn't say it.

[S2B]

What does he spend his money on?

is he earning enough to support the family/provide half the needed money to make things work every month?

i mean - what is he spending his money on?

 

[lil_missy]

45 minutes ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

He used to do drugs - heroin- when he was much younger then got off it years before we met. He had told me he would never do it again but I do have my doubts. He is currently on methadone for “ back pain” for a year now. And I thought that counteracted the effect of opioids so technically  there is no point in him taking drugs? 

And also he is a chubby guy n has gained some more weight recently in iso, doesn’t heroin make you lose weight not gain? 

But yeh I don’t know where his money has gone, he told me it was all interests and fees from pay day loans that he did not pay on time. Ie the money not really spent anywhere but more just fees n interests. But we’re talking 10-20k 

I’m really sick of him by this point, I know all his bad habits and have still accepted him. The only thing I asked for is honesty from him and seems he can’t give me that. 

I just wish I could prove his lying. 

Edited May 1, 2020 by lil_missy

[JS84]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

This is what I was wondering when I read the original story. Have dealt with a ton of addicts in the ER over the years as well as my best friend's brother. Just a very familiar sounding story.

[S2B]

35 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

He used to do drugs - heroin- when he was much younger then got off it years before we met. He had told me he would never do it again but I do have my doubts. He is currently on methadone for “ back pain” for a year now. And I thought that counteracted the effect of opioids so technically  there is no point in him taking drugs? 

And also he is a chubby guy n has gained some more weight recently in iso, doesn’t heroin make you lose weight not gain? 

But yeh I don’t know where his money has gone, he told me it was all interests and fees from pay day loans that he did not pay on time. Ie the money not really spent anywhere but more just fees n interests. But we’re talking 10-20k 

I’m really sick of him by this point, I know all his bad habits and have still accepted him. The only thing I asked for is honesty from him and seems he can’t give me that. 

I just wish I could prove his lying. 

10-20K? 
omg - that’s like throwing money away! That’s like you are working for free because money just vanishes with him!!!

NO NO NO - do not stay with him!

ive seen heroin users who are heavy! And girl - you need to get away fast!

yes, I’m 99% positive he’s using and you are paying for it - your wedding ring paid for his heroin - the iPhone paid for the drugs! and all the money he ever had likely went to his drug habit!

I've had way too many years helping druggies get clean - and this is what it looks like when they are using! I even had one sponsee steak from me and try to blame it on my young kids! He was the only one in my house that day and $250 was missing from my wallet when it was there that morning!

get out now. He will lie and steal everything that’s worth $5

you do NOT need to stay any longer! He can go stay at his family’s house - have him leave tonight! 

[lil_missy]

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

10-20K? 
omg - that’s like throwing money away! That’s like you are working for free because money just vanishes with him!!!

NO NO NO - do not stay with him!

ive seen heroin users who are heavy! And girl - you need to get away fast!

yes, I’m 99% positive he’s using and you are paying for it - your wedding ring paid for his heroin - the iPhone paid for the drugs! and all the money he ever had likely went to his drug habit!

I've had way too many years helping druggies get clean - and this is what it looks like when they are using! I even had one sponsee steak from me and try to blame it on my young kids! He was the only one in my house that day and $250 was missing from my wallet when it was there that morning!

get out now. He will lie and steal everything that’s worth $5

you do NOT need to stay any longer! He can go stay at his family’s house - have him leave tonight! 

I feel a bit sick to the stomach now after reading this. I remember a handful of other occasions where cash has gone missing in the house, and he said it was our little son ( 1 yo at the time) going through my wallet. Well sometimes the baby did go through my wallet. But my point is if the baby got to it, it would show up somewhere eventually, not just disappear?! 

And another time we went to a friends bbq in the park and $250 went missing from my wallet and we asked everyone thought someone stole from my wallet in my bag which I left unattended. But now i think who knows that could even have been him? 

So you deal with a lot a addicts? Could it be gambling as well if not drugs? 

So these addicts will lie and say anything to the ones they love?i mean he swore on our sons life that his not lying to me.  Or do they just not even care about anyone or anything else anymore 

what happens to most of them? 

I am scared bcuz I can’t prove anything. But now I don’t even want him around our son. 

He has been living seperately from us at his moms house for over 3 months now and only sees our son on the weekend. I’m def not moving back in with him. 

 

[JS84]

You don't need to prove anything. He has a history of heroin addiction. People can be clean for years and relapse. My best friend's brother (heroin addict) stole his Dad's custom $45,000 motorcycle from his driveway. He never admitted it, I don't think anyone ever accused him directly either, but everyone knew it was him. They will steal anything and lie to your face like it's nothing. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and your child. They will go through insane and horrifying lengths to get their next fix. Most people don't understand just how addicting heroin is until they've dealt with addicts they know/love. Unfortunately by the time they do the emotional, physical, social, and financial damage has taken a heavy tole.

I'm an ER nurse so I deal with heroin addicts all the time and have seen some crazy s*** but like I said when it's someone you know, it's really bad.

Edited May 1, 2020 by JS84

[S2B]

Please get educated on people who have used heroin in their past.

most never recover. He obviously moved to other forms of drugs in order to avoid doing the hard work it takes to be happy being sober.

money disappears when you are around meth users and heroin users. 
yes, his behavior definitely looks like he’s actively using.

file for divorce knowing you will never trust him.

personally, I’ve sponsored many - three made their recovery look so consistent and happy that I never had to wonder if they would stay sober. The odds are bad.when lies are present and things go missing - you have an active user...no doubt about it. 

out of the 160+ people I’ve sponsored - most were alcoholics - 80% recovered with excellent long term results when they did the work. 
 

get out before it starts looking really ugly. if you want your ring ask the local pawn shop - that’s where they usually get $5-$10 for anything they turn in. It’s their go to place. I’m serious.

 

[lil_missy]

13 minutes ago, JS84 said:

You don't need to prove anything. He has a history of heroin addiction. People can be clean for years and relapse. My best friend's brother (heroin addict) stole his Dad's custom $45,000 motorcycle from his driveway. He never admitted it, I don't think anyone ever accused him directly either, but everyone knew it was him. They will steal anything and lie to your face like it's nothing. You need to protect yourself, your assets, and your child. They will go through insane and horrifying lengths to get their next fix. Most people don't understand just how addicting heroin is until they've dealt with addicts they know/love. Unfortunately by the time they do the emotional, physical, social, and financial damage has taken a heavy tole.

I'm an ER nurse so I deal with heroin addicts all the time and have seen some crazy s*** but like I said when it's someone you know, it's really bad.

Did your friends brother’s show other signs of heroin abuse? What are some of the other signs I should look out for? 

I mean I did google it but he is able to work, hold up a conversation, drive and do most things a normal person can do. Like you can’t tell that he is using at all. 

[lil_missy]

13 minutes ago, S2B said:

Please get educated on people who have used heroin in their past.

most never recover. He obviously moved to other forms of drugs in order to avoid doing the hard work it takes to be happy being sober.

money disappears when you are around meth users and heroin users. 
yes, his behavior definitely looks like he’s actively using.

file for divorce knowing you will never trust him.

personally, I’ve sponsored many - three made their recovery look so consistent and happy that I never had to wonder if they would stay sober. The odds are bad.when lies are present and things go missing - you have an active user...no doubt about it. 

out of the 160+ people I’ve sponsored - most were alcoholics - 80% recovered with excellent long term results when they did the work. 
 

get out before it starts looking really ugly. if you want your ring ask the local pawn shop - that’s where they usually get $5-$10 for anything they turn in. It’s their go to place. I’m serious.

 

How can I ask the local pawn shop? Don’t they have client confidentiality? 

Should I pretend I’m trying to pay off my husbands account and do it that way? 

[S2B]

2 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

Did your friends brother’s show other signs of heroin abuse? What are some of the other signs I should look out for? 

I mean I did google it but he is able to work, hold up a conversation, drive and do most things a normal person can do. Like you can’t tell that he is using at all. 

You may not be capable of telling on him because he may not ever have been sober since you’ve known him - so you don’t know the difference!

you THINK he works! But I will tell you - when people work - they bring home money they eat on a regular basis! He hasn’t!

you want to believe he isn’t using so badly - you can’t even see the obvious signs of an active user. 
 

get some professional al help to be strong. He will be in the child’s life forever - and you need help with boundaries and coping skills with an active druggy.

and never leave any money and valuables anywhere near him - it will always disappear and he will always lie!

you will also need Rita’s h your child how to deal with lies and disappointment... so start learning about what that entails too.

Protect yourself! Protect your family! 
 

do not own anything with him - people can sue you if you are attached to him in any financial way. 

[S2B]

5 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

How can I ask the local pawn shop? Don’t they have client confidentiality? 

Should I pretend I’m trying to pay off my husbands account and do it that way? 

Simply ask them if (insert husbands name) pawned a ring recently. You can ask anything you want - they may or may not give you info - that depends on the pawn shop.

[S2B]

Where does he work? How many hours/a week? 
 

have you ever gone to his work? Does his money go into a joint account? 
 

have you asked for the paperwork for the loan place? You need proof of ANYTHING he says (lies about)! Start demanding answers! When my acquaintance was actively using - he got money from those loan places... they charge interest that should be illegal. But I doubt he went there... he likely spent the money on drugs.

are his pupils pinpoint? 
 

a good husband would always make sure the family unit feels safe and provides income to support them! Your requirements should have set off alarm bells a LONG time ago! Get busy catching up by taking action!

when you get child support make sure the court takes it directly from his employer/paycheck and puts it directly i your account!

make sure and change passwords on everything NOW! He may access your accounts!

[JS84]

15 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

Did your friends brother’s show other signs of heroin abuse? What are some of the other signs I should look out for? 

I mean I did google it but he is able to work, hold up a conversation, drive and do most things a normal person can do. Like you can’t tell that he is using at all. 

The thing is if you didn't know him well or didn't spend a ton of time around him, you'd think he was perfectly fine. I saw him sporadically myself but if my best friend hadn't been keeping me in the loop about how him being an addict and the effect it was having on their family, especially his parents, I would have thought everything was okay including him. He was a very charismatic guy. Funny, good story teller, my mother thought he was good looking (sadly she only got to see him at his funeral).

As for your second question it would be hard for me to say. I've never had to deal with one on a personal level in my regular life. I'm much more familiar with the aftermath addicts leave behind. And if he's actively using right now, whether it's heroin or something else, I wouldn't bother looking for any other signs at this point. For now you should just go into protection mode for you and your child. The more you stress out about him, what he's doing, thinking, looking for signs, etc you'll drain yourself. It's almost like dealing with a narcissist. They're financial and emotional vampires. I would recommend looking out for signs if he was in recovery or you were afraid of a relapse. But for now you should just focus on yourself/child.

[S2B]

you will also need Rita’s h your child how to deal with lies and disappointment... so start learning aboutwhat that entails too.
 

my prior post was meant to say:

you need to teach your child... 

[lil_missy]

39 minutes ago, S2B said:

Where does he work? How many hours/a week? 
 

have you ever gone to his work? Does his money go into a joint account? 
 

have you asked for the paperwork for the loan place? You need proof of ANYTHING he says (lies about)! Start demanding answers! When my acquaintance was actively using - he got money from those loan places... they charge interest that should be illegal. But I doubt he went there... he likely spent the money on drugs.

are his pupils pinpoint? 
 

a good husband would always make sure the family unit feels safe and provides income to support them! Your requirements should have set off alarm bells a LONG time ago! Get busy catching up by taking action!

when you get child support make sure the court takes it directly from his employer/paycheck and puts it directly i your account!

make sure and change passwords on everything NOW! He may access your accounts!

He works in an office job doing 9-5 on superannuation. I’ve seen his screen shots of his work computer and he always tells me about stuff that happens at work. So unless his making all that up too, I tend to believe he is working. I mean he tells me a lot of details about his manager n worksmate and things his working on, in our general chitchat everyday. 

His money was going into a joint account until about a year ago we seperated accounts, that’s the first time I found out he hid a 25k debt from me. 

I have seen paper work for these pay day loans, not all of them but some. I have seen maybe 3 or 4? But from what his told me he has taken out at least 8-10 of them over 3 years and cannot keep track of them. If he takes out 2k each on 10 loans and pays interest on all of these that could be easily 20k on top of the 20k he borrowed. Once I didn’t had a debt collector call me looking for him. 

But he def could be using and I’m not picking up the signs... 

[lil_missy]

45 minutes ago, S2B said:

you will also need Rita’s h your child how to deal with lies and disappointment... so start learning aboutwhat that entails too.
 

my prior post was meant to say:

you need to teach your child... 

I wouldn’t even know where to start on that, my son is 3 years old now and loves his father to death! As far as I can see, they mean the world to eachother. I cannot believe he would do this to his only son that he claims to love more than anything 

[lil_missy]

I do have a Rolex watch which I don’t wear anymore after I gained weight and doesn’t fit nomore. I’m surprised he didn’t pawn that? 

When I confronted him about the ring, he said pawn shops don’t take female jewellery from guys bcuz it could be stolen. I said how do you even know that? And he says his got mates that tried to do it 

[S2B]

Are you certain you still have the watch?

of course pawn shops take women’s stuff. one more lie.

[S2B]

36 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

He works in an office job doing 9-5 on superannuation. I’ve seen his screen shots of his work computer and he always tells me about stuff that happens at work. So unless his making all that up too, I tend to believe he is working. I mean he tells me a lot of details about his manager n worksmate and things his working on, in our general chitchat everyday. 

His money was going into a joint account until about a year ago we seperated accounts, that’s the first time I found out he hid a 25k debt from me. 

I have seen paper work for these pay day loans, not all of them but some. I have seen maybe 3 or 4? But from what his told me he has taken out at least 8-10 of them over 3 years and cannot keep track of them. If he takes out 2k each on 10 loans and pays interest on all of these that could be easily 20k on top of the 20k he borrowed. Once I didn’t had a debt collector call me looking for him. 

But he def could be using and I’m not picking up the signs... 

Well this kind of irresponsible behavior would be enough for anyone to stop and think “I’m not doing this anymore!”

his debt could be put into you in court. Please get an attorney to advise you.

he’s at the minimum been financially cheating on you. A good man/Dad brings money home to the family.  but my gut says it’s big time drug use.
 

go to his work when he isn’t expecting it - see IF he is actually at work!

[S2B]

And also, it’s possible he is taking it in pill form. Possibly buying pills - that’s easier to hide and use than someone who shoots heroin.