Distrust grows - missing engagement ring

[JS84]

And please don't feel like you need a smoking gun. You don't need concrete proof of anything. You don't need to have a checklist where every symptom of addiction, heroin or otherwise, has to be checked off. There isn't necessarily a one size fits all pattern of behavior. Addicts are very good liars and manipulators.  They're good at covering their tracks. Not as good as cheaters but they come pretty damn close.

Edited May 2, 2020 by JS84

[LynneVicious]

Girl, listen. 
 

You’re getting real life advice from people have have lived through what you’re living right now.

Its pointless to guess, google, wonder. If your husband is a current addict not in recovery (and you even mention he dozes off from time to time), your young son is in DANGER.  I mean real, life and death danger.

Buy the drug test. Watch him take it. Tell him you have worries and it’s to allay your fears. Don’t tell him all what you’ve told us. 
if he refuses to take it, do not allow your son to be alone with him anymore. If he takes it and passes, you can breathe a sigh of relief but you’ve got a lot of other stuff on your plate.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 5/1/2020 at 4:56 AM, S2B said:

Does he so drugs?

Honestly, this is where my mind went first. 

OP, what is behind all his debts? Or rather, what explanation did he give you? Have you been able to verify why he was in so much debt? 

[introverted1]

7 hours ago, lil_missy said:

Also he is upfront with me when he is getting methadone withdraws, tells me he needs to go pharmacy to get his dose, his getting all sweaty/achey, can’t sleep etc. sometimes he gets his mdone  on the street too when his dose is too low. 

This is exactly what addiction looks like:  withdrawal when the user needs another hit, and the willingness to buy from someone on the street.

[lil_missy]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

What is your plan?

Thanks everyone, sorry for being in denial. Of course I really don’t want to believe it.

He already knows I’m on my last straw, the last time he asked me for money i blew up and stopped talking to him. And I asked him if he had looked for my ring again like he said he would, and it took him 2 hrs to reply a text. He usually always replies within a few mintues. The only time he doesn’t reply me is when he knows there’s no good answer. So I think that he knows that I know. 

I like the idea of a private investigator so I might do that if I can afford it. 

And I will go to the police to report the ring missing and have them ask the pawn shop if he has brought anything in. It could still be there bcuz I know his sister has done something similar where she stole his moms rings and pawned it for money, but she got it back after she got money. 

[lil_missy]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

The sleepy the agitated the buying on the street... yep, he’s using.

he seems to refer to his drugs of choice as mdone... but I can guarantee you that’s just what he’s calling it because that’s what’s acceptable to you. It’s his cover up.

what are YOUR plans to change this?

I have actually seen his mdone, his script and gone to the pharmacy with him many times though. But I guess he could be taking something else with it 

[lil_missy]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Honestly, this is where my mind went first. 

OP, what is behind all his debts? Or rather, what explanation did he give you? Have you been able to verify why he was in so much debt? 

He told me with the first debt that it was credit card debt from years ago before he met me, that they couldn’t find him until we got a mortgage together. And he kept it from me coz he wanted to sort it out himself without bothering me. But he couldn’t it was like 25k. 

After that he said it was bcuz i controlled our money too tight and he didn’t have any money left so he had to take out payday loans multiple times instead of asking me to access our savings.  And the loans are dodgy and he doesn’t understand the terms etc and thought he’d paid them off but they kept accruing interest n fees and got outta hand. 

To explain we used to have a joint account and sometimes I’d say no when he asked for money bcuz I thought what he had should be enough. I was trying to enforce some boundary and teach him to budget. 

Anyway he told me the payday loan ppl told him heaps of guys use their loan coz their wives wouldn’t give them money. 

[lil_missy]

I want to process my feelings for a couple of days on this information then decide how to confront him, whether to have a heart n heart and tell him I’ll support him or go the we’re done road. 

[lil_missy]

The thing with the drug test, he will come back positive anyway for opioids because of the mdone his taking 

[Dis]

Him buying methadone on the streets because his dose is too "low" instead of tapering off which is the point of methadone tells you all you need to know about whether or not he's abusing drugs

 

That's honestly it right there. There's your smoking gun which has been normalized by him to you so it really doesn't set off alarm bells. 

 

He doesn't need to use heroin because he's abusing methadone

 

Just because he has a script from a doctor doesn't mean much. There are a good amount of MDs who fuel addiction by prescribing meds illegally or unethically for under the table money. 

[lil_missy]

I feel sick about it, I think he is def using and not sure for how long but I suspect at least a year ago it got bad because that’s when things got really bad for us. And prior to that god knows how long. 

I feel so stupid and naive and can’t believe I didn’t see the signs. I mean I did but I always believed his explanation for everything even when it didn’t make total sense! I’m so f***in stupid! 

For a while he was actually smoking this white powder substance in front of me! He told me it was “ hash oil” to help him sleep. And after I made him promise me to not get hash oil no more, I still caught him 3-4 times with it and they were not small chunks but he always told me it was left over from the last time he did it. I didn’t believe him coz I felt he was buying more but didn’t argue with him. 

And after he’d smoke this white powder he would pass out and I’d find him still sitting up in bed but passed out in the weirdest most uncomfortable positions, and I always wondered how he could fall asleep like that.  And he’d still have things in his hand while his passed out, like a rollie he used to smoke and the white powder would be sitting on his desk. This was all very late at night So my son was never exposed to any of it. 

But now i think of it that was prob heroin he was using, not hash oil! Hash oil is not a white powder! 

I just can’t believe I’m so stupid to believe him and he prob thought I knew all along and let him be. When I really didn’t know 

I have my son back now and I’m not gonna let him go back. But I don’t know what to do, do I confront him? I’m scared, we just sold our house n waiting for it to settle and I’m scared he will deliberately f*** it up if I confront him. All my life savings is in that house and I need to get that money back. Do I pretend like I don’t know anything until the house is settled? 

[JS84]

I would definitely wait until the house is sold and you're in a position where he can't screw you over after you confront him. Also I would not assume that just because he loves your son that means your son is safe with him. I'm assuming he loved you too which didn't stop him from stealing thousands of dollars from you. Again addicts will do damn near anything for their fix when it gets bad enough. I'm in Chicago and I remember a few years back there were two women who were basically renting out their children to pedophiles for drug money. You need to be VERY careful with him being around your son.

Also just because you demand he take a drug test doesn't mean he will or even has to. You need to figure out what you're going to do if you confront him and he just doubles down on his lies. Especially with no proof.

And please stop beating yourself up for not seeing the signs. No one wants to think their loved one is a drug addict regardless of how many signs there are.

[LynneVicious]

Op my ex husband had my fool as well. Drug addicts are very very good at what they do. So don’t feel so bad. Two things I woul do in the meantime...

1. Find some support group and meetings like al-anon. I’ve been to some and they really are supportive to spouses and relatives of addicts. You’ll find so many people to connect with. 
2. Do not, under any circumstances, let your son with him. Now that you have pieces together that he’s abusing drugs (a lot), your son would be in danger. And, god forbid if something happened to your son while in his care - you would also be responsible because you knew about the situation with drugs and allowed your son in harms way. 
 

Don’t allow your Son to become a statistic. Get the help you need and as much support as you can find. Keep your son safe. If you don’t already have a lawyer, find out stat and start working with him or her. 

Don’t let your husband lure you in with more lies - they are experts at that. Just focus on your son and yourself and with legal help. Even with the house, speak to a solicitor about everything. 
 

And for the last time, DO NOT feel stupid about this. Addicts are so good at manipulating everyone. That’s why there’s support groups. It’s a form of trauma you’re going through. Don’t minimize it or bash yourself!

[lil_missy]

8 hours ago, JS84 said:

I would definitely wait until the house is sold and you're in a position where he can't screw you over after you confront him. Also I would not assume that just because he loves your son that means your son is safe with him. I'm assuming he loved you too which didn't stop him from stealing thousands of dollars from you. Again addicts will do damn near anything for their fix when it gets bad enough. I'm in Chicago and I remember a few years back there were two women who were basically renting out their children to pedophiles for drug money. You need to be VERY careful with him being around your son.

Also just because you demand he take a drug test doesn't mean he will or even has to. You need to figure out what you're going to do if you confront him and he just doubles down on his lies. Especially with no proof.

And please stop beating yourself up for not seeing the signs. No one wants to think their loved one is a drug addict regardless of how many signs there are.

That is terrifying with those women renting their kids out to pedos!! :(((

but how do I not allow him see my son without confronting him? He’d want to know why suddenly He is not allowed to see him? 

The hisue doesn’t settle for another month  

[lil_missy]

6 hours ago, LynneVicious said:

Op my ex husband had my fool as well. Drug addicts are very very good at what they do. So don’t feel so bad. Two things I woul do in the meantime...

1. Find some support group and meetings like al-anon. I’ve been to some and they really are supportive to spouses and relatives of addicts. You’ll find so many people to connect with. 
2. Do not, under any circumstances, let your son with him. Now that you have pieces together that he’s abusing drugs (a lot), your son would be in danger. And, god forbid if something happened to your son while in his care - you would also be responsible because you knew about the situation with drugs and allowed your son in harms way. 
 

Don’t allow your Son to become a statistic. Get the help you need and as much support as you can find. Keep your son safe. If you don’t already have a lawyer, find out stat and start working with him or her. 

Don’t let your husband lure you in with more lies - they are experts at that. Just focus on your son and yourself and with legal help. Even with the house, speak to a solicitor about everything. 
 

And for the last time, DO NOT feel stupid about this. Addicts are so good at manipulating everyone. That’s why there’s support groups. It’s a form of trauma you’re going through. Don’t minimize it or bash yourself!

Thanks I plan to get some support for myself, I looked up the support groups in my area already but right now they are not running due to covid. 

[lil_missy]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

I’m not trying to make you feel anything - just trying to understand how the evidence didn’t make you think what he was doing was wrong... 

but now that you know - take steps to be sure you and your child are safe and protected - physically, mentally, emotionally and monetarily!

if necessary do not respond to any of his communication. He will just lie and manipulate you even further.

abd you don’t want to get stuck with his debts! Have you changed the locks so he can’t steal from you any further? At least what’s in the house...

 

if he’s been living now with his family - haven’t they noticed that things aren’t right?

You say your not trying to make me feel anything, but you had complete control what you type in this forum and you made me feel like complete s***. 

My husband was a highly functioning addict and all those things I mentioned happened over 3 years and how do you know what else went on during that time? I was depressed and very hard to live with after I had my son for long time and he was supportive and always there for me, I was moody and blew up at him all the time. He was the only support I had for a long time I never stopped to think about what he might be going through. 

Yes everything might be obvious in hindsight and when I list everything out like that. 

But I loved him and completely believed him he said he would never lie to me and I’m naive about drugs to begin with. I asked him many times if he was using heroin and he said no, I thought he would have just told me bcuz I would have tried to get help for him. 

I don’t care how many ppl you’ve sponsored, have you had a spouse do this to you when you’ve never had experience with hard drugs? Without all the sponsoring you’ve done would you have known? 

Edited May 3, 2020 by lil_missy

[lil_missy]

I have done a few things today, I have called the police about the missing ring and my suspicion that my hubby could be an addict and about my son. But they basically said they cannot do ANYTHING about it bcuz it is a suspicion and that I can’t prove anything. They encouraged me to talk to a lawyer. 

I have contacted works employee service to hook me up with a lawyer coz I really can’t afford a lawyer on my own at the moment. Not sure what will come of it, I’m sure  a lawyer can’t do nothing without proof as well. 

Then I called a private investisgator and they said yes looking for evidence for the addict husband is quite common for them, they recommended surveillance for $600 for 4 hours minimum but can cost much more obviously. Which I really can’t afford. After the house sells I might be able to afford it so that’s the only way. 

So it sucks it seems there is nothing I can do! 

I haven’t told my family or my friends or anyone. 

I think my best bet might be to confront him. I want to help him if he wants to be helped. 

[JS84]

Sorry I didn't mean to freak you out. Your son isn't necessarily in any immediate danger but your husband being an addict does increase his chances of being in danger. How long until you finish dealing with the house??

[lil_missy]

22 minutes ago, JS84 said:

Sorry I didn't mean to freak you out. Your son isn't necessarily in any immediate danger but your husband being an addict does increase his chances of being in danger. How long until you finish dealing with the house??

The house settles In June, so in a months time. 

Yeh I agree with you, I don’t think he is in any immediate danger either. I mean it is obviously not ideal if his dad is in fact an addict. But if we are correct he has been using on n off like this for the past year or 3 years, he isnt gonna suddenly change his behaviour and put our son in more danger. my hubby currently lives with his mom, dad and sister so he is rarely if ever alone with him. They are not rich, the sister is not working that’s why she pawns stuff, but they are very kind ppl. They all love my son to death that bit I’m sure of. 

I just don’t want to panic that’s all. I def still want to find out for sure if he is using, all the details, how long etc and get him help.  

I already looked into detox places for him that will be covered by insurance. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stick by him, I’m willing to but it purely depends on how he responds to everything. 

Ive watched a lot of videos about enabling addicts and I’ve told him already in no uncertain terms I’m not giving him anymore money if he doesn’t give me full transparency on his finances. 

We are in Australia by the way 

Edited May 4, 2020 by lil_missy

[Dis]

10 minutes ago, lil_missy said:

 

Yeh I agree with you, I don’t think he is in any immediate danger either.

Just because your son may not be in immediate danger at the moment, doesn't mean it will always be that way

 

I completely understand not wanted to depriving your H and your son of their time together but to me, if I was a parent, there would be no way I would allow my kid around someone on drugs even if that someone was my kid's father

 

If something were to happen to your son, could you ever forgive yourself? 

 

And yes, please don't berate yourself over not seeing the signs your H is using. We all really want to believe in the person we're with which is why we overlook things. God knows I've done similar things with the men I've been with. But at this point, now that you know, I think it's time to stop minimizing the danger your son is in like you did with your H's drug use. What if your H is driving with your son and gets in an accident because he's high? That's not a far fetched possibility. Tell your H this jig is up and keep your son safe and away from his dad until he gets clean. 

Edited May 4, 2020 by Disillusionment373

[lil_missy]

1 hour ago, Disillusionment373 said:

Just because your son may not be in immediate danger at the moment, doesn't mean it will always be that way

 

I completely understand not wanted to depriving your H and your son of their time together but to me, if I was a parent, there would be no way I would allow my kid around someone on drugs even if that someone was my kid's father

 

If something were to happen to your son, could you ever forgive yourself? 

 

And yes, please don't berate yourself over not seeing the signs your H is using. We all really want to believe in the person we're with which is why we overlook things. God knows I've done similar things with the men I've been with. But at this point, now that you know, I think it's time to stop minimizing the danger your son is in like you did with your H's drug use. What if your H is driving with your son and gets in an accident because he's high? That's not a far fetched possibility. Tell your H this jig is up and keep your son safe and away from his dad until he gets clean. 

Yeh I definitely agree with everything you’re saying, knowing the risk is there it feels very uncomfortable not doing anything about it. 

I just need to figure out how to go about this. As I have no proof and legally no right to just take away his rights to see his son and I’m sure he will go ballistic when I suggest that. It could get very ugly if I confront him with no proof and he doubles down that his not using. 

[lil_missy]

I just had a chat with him, not meaning to confront him but it all came out. Anyway he denied it all swore it til he was black n blue. Said he would never touch that stuff again , why would he his not stupid enough to do it to lose his son his wife. 

Anyway didn’t get any confession from him whatsoever ever. 

Even told him I just want to help and I’ll help him with rehab. 

I still don’t really believe him though. I just don’t know why I gave him so many opportunities why he wouldn’t just come clean 

[nospam99]

Find the watch and wear it 24/7. Find any other valuable items and try to put them in safe places (from your husband).

My approach to difficult situations is to get as many (hopefullly) trustworthy people to assist me.

1) lawyer: Do you have a lawyer handling the sale of the house? If so, discuss with the lawyer if anything can be done to MAKE SURE you get your share of the money?

2) his parents: Are his parents aware of his drug use? Do they have any concern about how he's handling your son? Do they ever allow him to be alone with your son?

3) the police: Said they can't do anything without proof. What did they say about whether a drug test would be proof? Especially what did they say about detection of opioids? What did they say about a doctor's discretion prescribing methadone for years? Can they direct you to whatever government authority regulates 'payday' loans? Keep a log of your interactions with the police. Make sure your record the name, rank, badge number of every policeman/woman you speak to and exactly what they tell you they ''can't do''. Give a copy of the log to the supervising officer (sergeant/lieutenant/whatever) and get a signed and dated copy from that supervisor. Explain that you want a paper trail in case your son is harmed.

4) the courts: What court defined husband's visitation rights? Was that court aware of his drug use

5) government assistance (available in the US under the label of 'social services'. I have no idea what you have in OZ): if the police do not give you satisfactory answers and assistance, perhaps some other governmental entity will.

6) your family: Can anyone in your family help?

[lil_missy]

9 hours ago, nospam99 said:

Find the watch and wear it 24/7. Find any other valuable items and try to put them in safe places (from your husband).

My approach to difficult situations is to get as many (hopefullly) trustworthy people to assist me.

1) lawyer: Do you have a lawyer handling the sale of the house? If so, discuss with the lawyer if anything can be done to MAKE SURE you get your share of the money?

2) his parents: Are his parents aware of his drug use? Do they have any concern about how he's handling your son? Do they ever allow him to be alone with your son?

3) the police: Said they can't do anything without proof. What did they say about whether a drug test would be proof? Especially what did they say about detection of opioids? What did they say about a doctor's discretion prescribing methadone for years? Can they direct you to whatever government authority regulates 'payday' loans? Keep a log of your interactions with the police. Make sure your record the name, rank, badge number of every policeman/woman you speak to and exactly what they tell you they ''can't do''. Give a copy of the log to the supervising officer (sergeant/lieutenant/whatever) and get a signed and dated copy from that supervisor. Explain that you want a paper trail in case your son is harmed.

4) the courts: What court defined husband's visitation rights? Was that court aware of his drug use

5) government assistance (available in the US under the label of 'social services'. I have no idea what you have in OZ): if the police do not give you satisfactory answers and assistance, perhaps some other governmental entity will.

6) your family: Can anyone in your family help?

Yeh I’ve got my watch and I don’t live with him anymore I’m with my parents with my son. 

I don’t think his family would tell me even if he was doing drugs under their nose. They would tell him to stop for sure but his mom is too nice and just gives into him with anything. They would know if I knew I’d take my son away from them for sure and they all love him too much to let that happen. 

We don’t have a strict court order on anything, we’ve only being seperated 3 months and was working toward getting back together actually 

it’s a good question about the methadone, I wonder if that is enough to see him as impaired in the eyes of the law in terms of custody. I don’t want to play dirty though, he has been a good father from everything that I saw and I wouldn’t be taking my son away from him unless I thought he was in danger. 

[lil_missy]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Can you ask your parents for input on what to do? I’m wondering if they may have some resources in mind that your area offers?

Nah I don’t want to worry them, they are already worried about me enough and they might overreact. 

Its ok I will figure it out just need a bit of time and see how things unfold

Edited May 5, 2020 by lil_missy