Why do I feel lonely?

[wtm78]

I have always been an extrovert. I make friends easily. Mix around well in group. 

When I was in school, I mix well with the popular group and also mix well with the quiet group. So I had a lot of friends in school, and when I go home I would just do my own things and be alone. I was ok with that. 

When I started working, I was also perusing a degree doing night classes every night and full days on Saturday and Sunday. On top of that I volunteered in various activities in my local church. It was then I started to feel lonely. I didn't like the colleagues at my day job. But it was a job right? To pay for my tuition fees so I hang on to it. And because of the schedule I sleep only 3hrs a day for 4yrs. So I wasn't at the best mood to make friends in my night classes. I merely just want to complete my studies and my aim was to learn what I needed to and head home to sleep. In church, people were not the most understanding. They cared more about my attendance than my well-being. And I was also volunteering at so many activities I just merely functioning. I just go do my job and get home. When I go for service, I would end up sitting alone because of my schedule didn't fit in with the group I was with. So that went on for 4yrs. That 4yrs, I started to experience loneliness. And slowly, I stop hanging out with friends and I merely live just to work, study, volunteer and sleep. After I completed my degree, I realize I people that I used to know are already distance. I tried making new friends. But somehow the quality of friends I met after that was not ideal. I mean, I see them every week, and they ask me the same question what do I do for work even after 3 years. So I left and look for a new group. The group was the same and I left few years later to find another group. The same cycle repeats. The kind of friends I encountered were either not interested in you, talks about themselves all the time or they keep you at a distance. 

Fast forward till today, now I live alone. Away from family. And the loneliness does multiply during the lockdown somehow. 

Why do I feel lonely? I was ok to do my own things when I was younger, in school? Why do I feel so lonely now?

[contel3]

Feeling lonely is not necessarily about how much time with other people, but about how connected you feel to them and yourself. Even if you didn't see that many people back then it was probably enough to keep you happy. 

Right now, you say you do a job that makes you unhappy and don't like the people you spend time with. Both of these things will contribute to feeling lonely. You also don't seem happy about church attendance. Maybe you are also feeling a bit burned out (makes loneliness even more intense).

There are many other people out there who also feel lonely, so its not like its hopeless. Most people want to connect. There are things you can do to help, like taking real interest in people and their lives and deciding to spend more time with people who make you feel good.....

 

I guess the only real advice I can give you is to think about what makes you happy. What makes you happy at work, around people and when you are alone. Its counterintuitive, but even doing nice things by yourself can help soothe loneliness. Maybe you really like nature? You could plant a small home garden. Into art? Paint a portrait of someone you care about.... and then try to incorporate things that make you happy into different areas of your life.

You can also think about how to meet new people or how to deepen already existing connections.....some of my closest friends nowadays used to be really superficial ones, but after I started making and effort, some of them reciprocated. Its hard to see people due to lock down, but you could reach out to someone online or send a small gift to someone you havent talked in a while, wishing them well. Even if nothing comes out of it, you did something to cheer someone's day up! 😃

 

Remember it's a slow process. Deep friendships don't happen overnight. So don't beat yourself up and celebrate every small improvement.

 

[preraph]

May be time to go to a new church or take up golf instead, and just change things up.  Definitely, you need more sleep than you're getting, too.  Are you almost done with school so you can work in whatever field you're working towards?  

 

I think the core of it is you're surrounded by people, but they're not really invested in your wellbeing like true friends or family, and that does happen as we get older.  I'm going to be very much on my own in my old age (I'm 67 now).  I have a friend who has a busy family and career who checks in on me every few weeks or once a month, but once my sister is gone, that is not going to be enough.  I'm making a new sort of friend who is a neighbor, but it's more a friendly acquaintance, as he is also busy with new family and wife and her kids, but he is at least right across the street and I can hire him to do little things.  I need someone nearby who checks in on me once in awhile so if I stroke out, my dog doesn't starve.  

I hope you find your work niche.  That would help.  But do try to make friends with neighbors or anyone you can and hope some of them will stick.  If your church mainly cares about getting your money, which seems to be the norm, ask around and see if anyone has a good supportive church you can switch to.  

[NomiMalone]

Wtm, I’m guessing your loneliness could be due to not having any quality connections with the people in your life.

Before Covid, I was like you, burning the candle at both ends by working 2 jobs and trying to look after my health and hang out with friends as well. My mind was always in a zone where I was focused on getting through the current task on my schedule and getting that ticked off. Its like I was on auto-pilot and I never allowed myself to really engage with the people at either of my jobs, and when I was with my friends, I was tired and not really my best self. It’s hard to form real connections when you live like that. It’s like you’re there, but also not really there. 

I notice you said you don’t gel with your colleagues at work, or any of the people at your church - are you able to think about why that is, and what you can do to form a better rapport with these people? There’s a saying, “to make a friend, you have to be a friend.” Make it a point to sit next to someone you know at church and strike up some small talk with them. Be brave. You shouldn’t have to sit alone after 4 years!

Did you connect well with the old friends you’ve lost touch with? If so, and you’d like to reconnect with them, it’s not hard to start by reaching out on social media. 

[wtm78]

11 hours ago, contel3 said:

Feeling lonely is not necessarily about how much time with other people, but about how connected you feel to them and yourself. Even if you didn't see that many people back then it was probably enough to keep you happy. 

Right now, you say you do a job that makes you unhappy and don't like the people you spend time with. Both of these things will contribute to feeling lonely. You also don't seem happy about church attendance. Maybe you are also feeling a bit burned out (makes loneliness even more intense).

There are many other people out there who also feel lonely, so its not like its hopeless. Most people want to connect. There are things you can do to help, like taking real interest in people and their lives and deciding to spend more time with people who make you feel good.....

 

I guess the only real advice I can give you is to think about what makes you happy. What makes you happy at work, around people and when you are alone. Its counterintuitive, but even doing nice things by yourself can help soothe loneliness. Maybe you really like nature? You could plant a small home garden. Into art? Paint a portrait of someone you care about.... and then try to incorporate things that make you happy into different areas of your life.

You can also think about how to meet new people or how to deepen already existing connections.....some of my closest friends nowadays used to be really superficial ones, but after I started making and effort, some of them reciprocated. Its hard to see people due to lock down, but you could reach out to someone online or send a small gift to someone you havent talked in a while, wishing them well. Even if nothing comes out of it, you did something to cheer someone's day up! 😃

 

Remember it's a slow process. Deep friendships don't happen overnight. So don't beat yourself up and celebrate every small improvement.

 

 

i agree its about looking for connections. i guess for me, i dont have someone who is genuinely interested about my life. to be honest, i had been a friend to many, .unfortunately it wasnt mutual. not sure why all these years the quality of friendship i have seems to be on the surface.. yet when i made an effort to know people, was often kept at bay... 

[wtm78]

11 hours ago, preraph said:

May be time to go to a new church or take up golf instead, and just change things up.  Definitely, you need more sleep than you're getting, too.  Are you almost done with school so you can work in whatever field you're working towards?  

 

I think the core of it is you're surrounded by people, but they're not really invested in your wellbeing like true friends or family, and that does happen as we get older.  I'm going to be very much on my own in my old age (I'm 67 now).  I have a friend who has a busy family and career who checks in on me every few weeks or once a month, but once my sister is gone, that is not going to be enough.  I'm making a new sort of friend who is a neighbor, but it's more a friendly acquaintance, as he is also busy with new family and wife and her kids, but he is at least right across the street and I can hire him to do little things.  I need someone nearby who checks in on me once in awhile so if I stroke out, my dog doesn't starve.  

I hope you find your work niche.  That would help.  But do try to make friends with neighbors or anyone you can and hope some of them will stick.  If your church mainly cares about getting your money, which seems to be the norm, ask around and see if anyone has a good supportive church you can switch to.  

 

to be honest, i stopped going to church... i have given so much to so many people there, and its just sad that i didnt had a true friend... 

i guess it doesnt help that i am self employed.. means i am with myself most of the time.. 

i dont think even my parents care.. haha.. i kinda always felt like an orphan growing up... 

i have spent the last 20years looking for a sincere friendship... i am begining to lose hope... :-(

 

[wtm78]

15 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

Wtm, I’m guessing your loneliness could be due to not having any quality connections with the people in your life.

Before Covid, I was like you, burning the candle at both ends by working 2 jobs and trying to look after my health and hang out with friends as well. My mind was always in a zone where I was focused on getting through the current task on my schedule and getting that ticked off. Its like I was on auto-pilot and I never allowed myself to really engage with the people at either of my jobs, and when I was with my friends, I was tired and not really my best self. It’s hard to form real connections when you live like that. It’s like you’re there, but also not really there. 

I notice you said you don’t gel with your colleagues at work, or any of the people at your church - are you able to think about why that is, and what you can do to form a better rapport with these people? There’s a saying, “to make a friend, you have to be a friend.” Make it a point to sit next to someone you know at church and strike up some small talk with them. Be brave. You shouldn’t have to sit alone after 4 years!

Did you connect well with the old friends you’ve lost touch with? If so, and you’d like to reconnect with them, it’s not hard to start by reaching out on social media. 

 

i agree, to make a friend first be a friend... but i guess in my case, i was always giving.. until a day i when i cant give anymore... and i realise, noone gives back... its quite saddening to think back... perhaps there was a time i realise why bother... and started a new journey... 

[NomiMalone]

11 hours ago, preraph said:

I’m  going to be very much on my own in my old age (I'm 67 now).  I have a friend who has a busy family and career who checks in on me every few weeks or once a month, but once my sister is gone, that is not going to be enough.  I'm making a new sort of friend who is a neighbor, but it's more a friendly acquaintance, as he is also busy with new family and wife and her kids, but he is at least right across the street and I can hire him to do little things.  I need someone nearby who checks in on me once in awhile so if I stroke out, my dog doesn't starve.  

Preraph, it makes me very sad to hear you say this. You have a lot to offer.

[wtm78]

 

11 hours ago, preraph said:

  I'm going to be very much on my own in my old age (I'm 67 now).  I have a friend who has a busy family and career who checks in on me every few weeks or once a month, but once my sister is gone, that is not going to be enough.  I'm making a new sort of friend who is a neighbor, but it's more a friendly acquaintance, as he is also busy with new family and wife and her kids, but he is at least right across the street and I can hire him to do little things.  I need someone nearby who checks in on me once in awhile so if I stroke out, my dog doesn't starve.  

 

i might be younger than you, but i know how that feels.. my 88yo grandma is staying alone during the lockdown. i asked her to move in with me, i have space. she refused. i check in with her every other day... at the same time, i am always concerns with my health and afraid to fall sick. because i knew someone who pass away in the house and noone knew, until the neighbours complain about the smell. 

[preraph]

I tried to get a rapport going with the lady across the street who is probably near my age. She did help me out one day last year when I asked her to be on standby it when I went to the hospital in case I had to stay overnight, but fortunately I ended up not having to stay. 

 

So during the virus I shot her a text just saying I was checking up on her and making sure she has everything she needs. But she never even texted back. She has a son who looks in on her. that's what happens when you get older people just clan up with their family a lot of times. 

 

Do you have a dog? I know it doesn't solve any of the above problems with getting old and having someone just checking in on you, but it sure can solve loneliness if you get a couple of dogs and they can entertain themselves while you're gone and they're always ecstatic when you come home which always makes you feel good and fills you with joy. 

[NomiMalone]

Preraph, at 67 you are too young to be thinking like this. There’re still many (like 10, 20!) good years ahead however you wish to enjoy them! You have so many great stories to tell. 

[NomiMalone]

On 5/2/2020 at 2:33 PM, wtm78 said:

i agree, to make a friend first be a friend... but i guess in my case, i was always giving.. until a day i when i cant give anymore... and i realise, noone gives back... its quite saddening to think back... perhaps there was a time i realise why bother... and started a new journey... 

Surely not EVERY friend was like that? If so, you need to think about how you’re presenting yourself to people (and I mean this in the nicest way possible.) 

You only need that one good friend to not feel lonely all the time, that one person whose back you have and who you know always has your back. 

[simpycurious]

19 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

Preraph, at 67 you are too young to be thinking like this. There’re still many (like 10, 20!) good years ahead however you wish to enjoy them! You have so many great stories to tell. 

I am agree with Nomi. Preraph, you are an awesome lady and have so much to offer friendship wise or other.  Please do not feel like you are "going nowhere fast."