My neighbor freaked out

[Fair]

I have a crush on my next door neighbor, still. 

Through the COVID experience we've both been home every night for more than a month, except, now that the weather is nice he's gone frequently at night and I half suspect he's got something going with the girl who lives in the house right beside his. He's very private, but I've noticed when her vehicle is gone, so is his … and they'll come and go within minutes of each other. And if one of them is gone all night long.... so is the other.  It's too much of a coincidence. They must meet somewhere out of town.

Last week he freaked out on me, though. One night I had candles burning in my living room. I never have the blinds drawn and he must have seen the candles and thought I was entertaining someone in a romantic sense because the next day he was literally circling my house in his car and on foot looking in my windows with a pissed off expression on  his face. At first I had no idea why, then I thought of how I'd had the candles burning the night before and decided, maybe he was jealous. 

The next day I came home from work and didn't park in my driveway as usual but on the street. He can't see my car if it's parked on the street. At six a.m I went out, got in it and circled around the block to park in my driveway as if I was just returning home after being out all night. And then I waited for a reaction. 

I got one. He came out of his house and was obviously furious. He slammed his door so hard he almost cracked the glass all the while he was staring at my house. I was shocked, to say the least. But then I wondered if he was thinking of COVID and was pissed to think I wasn't socially isolating.... or if he was, indeed, jealous. He shows interest in me from time to time but seems too afraid to approach so it could very well be jealousy.

At any rate, why the hell do I care? Since then he seems to have taken up with the other girl who lives beside him.... he's obviously not social isolating, himself, so it must not have been the COVID issue that had him furious when it came to me "appearing" to stay out all night. 

My crush on him is really making me miserable. This town is so lonely and … I had had hopes... but... is he interested? Isn't he interested? Is he with the girl next door...? I have no firm evidence, just suspicions....

Feel free to comment with any thoughts.

 

 

[basil67]

I'm sorry it's ended like this Fair.  But frankly, he sounds like a nutter.  I'd be avoiding him if I were you.  Keep yourself safe 

[amaysngrace]

If this crush is making you miserable then stop crushing on him.  

He’s had plenty of time to make a move if he was interested.  He’s not.   

[Fair]

He does seem rather strange, basil. I must be really lonely. And desperate.

amasyngrace… you're right. He actually has approached me a couple of times but I didn't give him enough encouragement so he hasn't been back. I can't blame him. I blame myself for being too aloof. I think he's interested... it appears he gets quite jealous, if jealousy is what I was witnessing when he had that fit.

 

 

[amaysngrace]

Why didn’t you give him encouragement when he approached you?  

Edited May 2, 2020 by amaysngrace

[basil67]

You may not be able to undo the aloof thing, but by the sound of things, you dodged a bullet anyway.  This level of jealousy is a huge red flag.  

[Fair]

I have a tendency to be shy and very reserved amaysngrace. I felt tongue tied and awkward and can appear cold. I didn't want to come across that way... but... so then we just keep eyeing each other up from afar and nothing happens.

That's true, too, Basil. If he's that jealous and we're not even together …. yikes. 

[basil67]

Yep. For all he knows, your distance could have been because you have a boyfriend and you were respecting the relationship.  The door slamming etc is completely OTT

[healing light]

4 hours ago, Fair said:

he was literally circling my house in his car and on foot looking in my windows with a pissed off expression on  his face

 

4 hours ago, Fair said:

He came out of his house and was obviously furious. He slammed his door so hard he almost cracked the glass all the while he was staring at my house.

 

This is bizarre. I don't know your background, but your post makes it sound as if you've never properly talked to him. Who is spying on a neighbor at the ungodly hour of 6am? Even if he is mad about something else entirely, his temper tantrums and odd behavior would turn me off. 

[elaine567]

Maybe he is just sick of you spying on him all the time and acting "weird".
He may have seen you leaving at 6am and coming back
Maybe he checks out your house to see if you are there looking at him... again.
I doubt it is a good feeling.
As for being "mad", maybe the lock down is getting to him, maybe he was angry with his new gf/mother/a client over something, maybe he had just had some bad news, maybe was mad he had forgotten to buy milk... countless reasons...
Because you care and are jealous, doesn't mean he cares and is jealous.
Stop the stupid games, he is your neighbour talk to him over the fence, if he is not willing to talk to you and meet you halfway, then you need to forget it. 

[amaysngrace]

4 hours ago, Fair said:

I have a tendency to be shy and very reserved amaysngrace. I felt tongue tied and awkward and can appear cold. I didn't want to come across that way... but... so then we just keep eyeing each other up from afar and nothing happens.

 

Just smile and ask questions if it’s awkward to speak.  Not necessarily with this one but next time.  

If you’re asking about them then they’ll be doing most of the talking so maybe have a list of questions prepared that you can practice so you can speak with confidence.  

Just because you’re shy doesn’t mean you can’t listen and if you listen with eye contact and a smile you won’t give the impression of being cold especially if you’re asking questions to show an interest in them.  Most people love to talk about themselves. 

 

[chillii]

 

Orrrrr, it was nothing to do with you , just a coincidence that he "seemed to be looking your way. l've had strange things happen with people seemingly doing something or acting some way around me or at me but later on found out it was nothing what soever to do with me.

[planb1973]

48 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

Orrrrr, it was nothing to do with you , just a coincidence that he "seemed to be looking your way. l've had strange things happen with people seemingly doing something or acting some way around me or at me but later on found out it was nothing what soever to do with me.

This! Sometimes when you are crushing on someone you read into things WAY too much. 

[Fair]

Nope. He was circling my house, looking in my windows from the sidewalk. He slammed the door thinking I wasn't home. The behaviour was unmistakably about me. 

In the days of COVID I thought at first he was acting as Covid police.... that I'd be reported for non compliance because he was IMAGINING I had someone here. That was my first thought. 

The door slamming thing... yes, it turned me off. OTT is an understatement. I guess there's a reason he's single.

 

 

[Fair]

Actually, where I live a woman who lives alone and is independent is relatively rare. It's a very traditional place.  I do tend to attract attention for that fact alone and sometimes men get a little weird.  I guess it's just another day...….

[chillii]

l remember way back my ex bought a house in an area like yours , she got silly crap too.

The guy across, sounds like an idiot, sorry

[d0nnivain]

Give the cultural aspects overlaid on this I honestly don't know how to advise you.  

In the US, I'd tell you to strike up a proper conversation with this neighbor from the safe distance of your yard, while he's in his.  (Our neighbors have been doing a social distance happy hour once a week just to relieve the boredom.  It helps. )  Then work up to an explanation of how your shyness can give people the wrong impression.  Just do something friendly.  For example, our neighbor chopped down a tree on the property line this week but stacked the wood on our side because we just bought a fire pit.  I'm baking him & his family something & leaving them on their front porch as a thank you . . . neighborliness. 

Your theory sounds plausible -- your shyness gave him the wrong impression & now he's jealous but there is a real danger of overreading this because your crush is coloring things.  You may be seeing things that aren't there because you do like him.  Keep that possibility in the back of your mind & filter your impressions through it.   Being cautious & conservative here can't hurt.  

But if there is a  possibility that he's alerted to your movements by your independent status as a woman, do not discount the idea that he's some sort of zealot who is enraged by your defiance of what he sees as "your place".

Meanwhile at least smile & say hi when you see him.  That is a universal ice breaker.    

[Fair]

Given what's happened, DOnnivain, I'm even more gun shy. I wasn't imagining it. Some things are unmistakable. He has been showing interest and approaching, don't forget. But now it looks like entertaining possibilities with him isn't a good idea.

Jealousy is pretty much the most accurate explanation. To think he's a zealot who thinks I ought to know my 'place'  seems way more far fetched.  Men can get a bit weird over women like me if it's not something they're used to. I'm not alone.... but it's more along the lines of having them becoming a little bit obsessive / stalkerish, I hate to say.

I'm disappointed, actually. His temper is a bit frightening.

Edited May 2, 2020 by Fair

[d0nnivain]

22 minutes ago, Fair said:

His temper is a bit frightening.

If you are genuinely frightened, keep an eye on him but don't bother about him.  By keep an eye on I mean have situational awareness but take proper precautions.  Stop playing games with your car to see if he notices / reacts & close your blinds at night.   When this is over, perhaps look into building a privacy fence.  

[Fair]

You're right, it was a game with the car. I didn't like having him looking so pointedly through my windows trying to see what was going on and decided to mess with him a bit out of anger. I did NOT like it. I knew it would upset him considering his interest. Little did I expect such an explosive reaction though... I guess it was a good thing to have done, all told. Now I see his true colors a bit more clearly.

Privacy fence is a good idea.

Edited May 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Once was OK.  You got a reaction & now you know about his temper so don't poke that bear.  

Be well.  Stay safe.  

[contel3]

This sounds really really bizare…I hope you have some kind of "emergency" system in case something happens….

[preraph]

11 hours ago, Fair said:

I have a crush on my next door neighbor, still. 

Through the COVID experience we've both been home every night for more than a month, except, now that the weather is nice he's gone frequently at night and I half suspect he's got something going with the girl who lives in the house right beside his. He's very private, but I've noticed when her vehicle is gone, so is his … and they'll come and go within minutes of each other. And if one of them is gone all night long.... so is the other.  It's too much of a coincidence. They must meet somewhere out of town.

Last week he freaked out on me, though. One night I had candles burning in my living room. I never have the blinds drawn and he must have seen the candles and thought I was entertaining someone in a romantic sense because the next day he was literally circling my house in his car and on foot looking in my windows with a pissed off expression on  his face. At first I had no idea why, then I thought of how I'd had the candles burning the night before and decided, maybe he was jealous. 

The next day I came home from work and didn't park in my driveway as usual but on the street. He can't see my car if it's parked on the street. At six a.m I went out, got in it and circled around the block to park in my driveway as if I was just returning home after being out all night. And then I waited for a reaction. 

I got one. He came out of his house and was obviously furious. He slammed his door so hard he almost cracked the glass all the while he was staring at my house. I was shocked, to say the least. But then I wondered if he was thinking of COVID and was pissed to think I wasn't socially isolating.... or if he was, indeed, jealous. He shows interest in me from time to time but seems too afraid to approach so it could very well be jealousy.

At any rate, why the hell do I care? Since then he seems to have taken up with the other girl who lives beside him.... he's obviously not social isolating, himself, so it must not have been the COVID issue that had him furious when it came to me "appearing" to stay out all night. 

My crush on him is really making me miserable. This town is so lonely and … I had had hopes... but... is he interested? Isn't he interested? Is he with the girl next door...? I have no firm evidence, just suspicions....

Feel free to comment with any thoughts.

 

 

You sound just like this person who was on here years ago called Gloria who kept imagining the neighbor she was stalking was interested when in fact he had never asked her out or anything resembling interest.  Good lord, you live right next door to him.  If he wanted to ask you out, he already would have.  I think he's probably more concerned with whether you are a little crazy or not.  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Fair said:

Nope. He was circling my house, looking in my windows from the sidewalk. He slammed the door thinking I wasn't home. The behaviour was unmistakably about me. 

And, you didn't call the Police????  If someone was circling my house and standing looking in my windows I would have called them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'm wondering why you have such a crush on a man who seems bats*** crazy.