Waiting because of the kids

[JeepMom46]

I am wondering if anyone can comment about staying a little longer in their marriage for the kids. I have been contemplating divorce for at least 2 years now. I have been seeing a therapist and have arrived at the decision to divorce my husband. It is not an easy decision. He is a good man. There is no abuse issues.  No financial problems.  However we have absolutely nothing in common. We can barely hold a conversation and the room is always tense lately when we are together. We have had the calm discussion about the future of our marriage.  He knows my intention to leave but tells me if I haven't left yet he is still going to try.  The trying though is awkward and tense. He gets mad when I dont reciprocate the trying, even though I have explained to him how I feel and why I have made this decision. We have three great kids and we are a fun family when we are all together. My two oldest are college age with the second child moving to college this fall. That leaves the youngest at home with two years to go in HS. My plan was to stay until he graduated then move out shortly after the end of school.  The problem is I am not sure I can stay another 2 years. I am lonely, lack excitement in my life and generally feel stuck. None of his trying addresses these problems in our marriage. Do I stay the last two years and see this through for the youngest? Has anyone gone through a divorce when you were so close to having an empty nest? Thank you for your insights in advance.

[Blind-Sided]

So... you are leaving your H because you are board, and don't want to try anymore? OK... since he is a "Nice guy"... then just leave now. Why waste his time, and be cruel to him in thinking there is hope?  your kids are old enough to understand that mom is selfish, and needs her old party life back.

Sorry to be blunt, and sound harsh... but you have checked out long ago and don't want it to work. Just leave.

Edited May 2, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[ShyViolet]

I don't understand your rationale for staying in this marriage 2 more years until your youngest graduates high school.  What would be the point of that?  Would that really make the life of your youngest child any better?  Do you think your kids don't already sense how unhappy you are?  The way you describe it, it sounds like you could cut the unhappiness and negative feelings with a knife in that house.  Prolonging that isn't helping anyone.

[JeepMom46]

@Blind-sided

You dont sound harsh you sound judgy. He is a good man not a good husband. He will tell you this also. I do not give him hope. He only wants to try because people will talk if i leave. His words not mine. People will talk because from the outside we look like we have it all together. Until about a year ago only two of my close friends could tell u anything was wrong. We have tried counseling and talking at nauseum about our marriage issues. He knows exactly how i feel.  I am not selfish. I am not bored as you say. I am not trying to get back to some party life. I never had one to begin with and am not looking to pick one up. For years I lived a double life. Supportive wife and Mom and the me who enjoyed so many things I was not allowed to do because it didnt fit his lifestyle.  I have done that part of my life alone for a very long time. I am lonely, I like conversation and travel.  Sitting in my house night after night, month after month, year after year is not what I want. How many years am i expected to try? 20 more years of smiling while I cry when no one  is looking? I realize I dont owe u an explanation about my marriage issues,  this was not the point of my question, but I couldn't let you judge me unfairly.  The point of my question was whether anyone in this community is/was in a similar situation and if they could help me based on their own experience. 

[JeepMom46]

@ShyViolet

Thank you for your opinion.  The truth is there is very little tension in my house. Most of the tension comes from my husband. It is just his personality. He is very reserved and quiet. Introverted. My kids know our home to be happy and safe. A very loving place. We are good parents but terrible partners.  I understand your opinion and waver between that thought and it would be so much easier to just smile and show up as Mom. Nothing wrong here. Happy family. Second thought is selfless but very lonely. Again I thank you for your insight. 

[AMarriedMan]

On 5/3/2020 at 4:32 AM, JeepMom46 said:

@ShyViolet

Thank you for your opinion.  The truth is there is very little tension in my house. Most of the tension comes from my husband. It is just his personality. He is very reserved and quiet. Introverted. My kids know our home to be happy and safe. A very loving place. We are good parents but terrible partners.  I understand your opinion and waver between that thought and it would be so much easier to just smile and show up as Mom. Nothing wrong here. Happy family. Second thought is selfless but very lonely. Again I thank you for your insight. 

I don't know every aspect of your situation, obviously, but based on what I you've told us, I wouldn't wait much longer given that you've already made up your mind.

However, divorcing as a practical matter is a complicated process. I'm assuming neither of you can afford to buy the other spouse's half of the house. Is that the case? If so, you'd have to sell your house. We're in the middle of a pandemic and a lockdown right now. Do you think you would be able to get a decent price for your house with tens of millions of Americans unemployed right now? Suppose you sell your house for a basement bargain price. When the crisis is over house prices may or may not recover. But if they do, you might find yourselves on the market again having lost large chunk of equity in your name. This is something to think about. Of course, some people who think you need to get out right away if you're "unhappy" might disagree. 

 

[Blind-Sided]

On ‎5‎/‎2‎/‎2020 at 9:24 PM, JeepMom46 said:

1) You dont sound harsh you sound judgy. He is a good man not a good husband.

2) I am lonely,

3) I like conversation and travel.  Sitting in my house night after night, month after month, year after year is not what I want. How many years am i expected to try?

4)  I realize I dont owe u an explanation about my marriage issues,  this was not the point of my question, but I couldn't let you judge me unfairly. 

5) The point of my question was whether anyone in this community is/was in a similar situation and if they could help me based on their own experience. 

OK.... I broke your response up to make it easier to respond to.

1) Thank you.  It wasn't my point to be an ass... but sometimes being blunt is the best way to make a point. (shock factor)   But the "good man" part is what I hear from 3 of my female friends who are trying to leave their H... and I read it here all the time. 

2) Why are you lonely?  You have a husband (who I assume you willingly married) You have kids who love you. (Who I assume were planed/wanted)  I hear this constantly... be the reality is, it's a label that people use when they need an excuse to break up a happy family. (both men and women)

3) When you decide to have a life with a H and family... and a job/career... guess what... kids and their needs come first.  If you wanted to travel, and have an more interesting/intimate life with your H, then you should have not had kids. You would have had a bunch of extra $$$, and time to travel, and stay connected with your H. But ok... you are blaming your H. The reality is... it's the kids, and their needs that caused your problem, but you are blaming your H. With that said... Why didn't you just plan a vacation?  Why didn't you plan some date nights with your H?  I got blamed for similar things... but the truth was, my exW never tried either. It was very one sided, and when I asked her why didn't she plan something, I was literally told... "Now you are just looking for excuses." (but it was my problem according to her)  I know you said you talked about it with your H... but why didn't you just make it happen? (FYI, my exW never opened her mouth until she was past the braking point)

4) No... you don't owe me/us.  But you came here looking for help.  The more we know, the better we can help, and empathize with your situation.  Most of the people here have gone through something similar.  But I can say this... as an impartial, outsider... and going through something similar, and watching 3 friends go through this... I have a pretty good idea, and that's why I judge harshly.   My 3 female friends..... #1 sounds just like you.  She has a "Man Child" husband.  He's a good man, but not a good partner.  He takes care of the kids, brings home $$, doesn't stay out late... but my friend is done.  She now has OM, and has given up, but won't get the D because of the kids.  FYI... the OM is fun and exciting because the illusion of being single and free is there. Friend #2 is almost the same, but no kids.  They have been married less than a year and she is tired of just having a roommate. She has literally said... "It would be so much easier to file for a D if is was an ass."  So, she is being miserable at home, and having a PA.  Friend #3 wound up having a PA but felt guilty.  She told her H, but they are still together because of the kids. Dumb, because the kids can see/feel the stress between mom and dad.

5) From my personal experience... yes, I'm trying to help.  Your kids are basically adult... you have checked out... and you came here looking for justification, and not help. (honestly) So, just tell your H that you are filing for a D, and you need to have your own life.  

With all that said... the only way I would change my opinion is if you came here saying you are abused, he is gambling away all your $$$... he is a drunk... he is using drugs... so on. But when it's just that he's acting like an adult, and providing for his family, and is boring...  well... that's being an adult, in a family, with kids who are burning a lot of $$.

Edited May 5, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[BaileyB]

I think your children are old enough to deal with the separation and divorce of their parents. 

I am a firm believer in the thought that children want their parents to be happy. They would rather have two happy and healthy homes than one home where the parents stay together out of obligation, don’t communicate well, and are not happy. Children are wise, I would not be surprised if your children understand very well the dynamic between their parents and It’s very possible that your child knows you are waiting for her/him to leave and feels the responsibility of your decision... 

May I suggest that you think not only of what they will be losing if you divorce, but what they may potentially be gaining. Think of what you will be teaching them, that you care for them desperately but you are going to be brave and take a risk to better your lives. You will be leading by example, demonstrating strength and resiliency. You will be showing them what it is to live with truth and authenticity. Living a half life is not living any kind of life at all. You don’t want to teach your children to settle, to stay in a stale and unhappy relationship, when they have the possibility of living their life with purpose and following their dreams. Do it well, and you can show them how to communicate and resolve conflict, how to love each other while still doing the hard thing. You can teach them to weather the storms in life, because their will be many... how to deal with change, adapt, and that life goes on...

I understand why you would want to preserve your children’s nuclear family, I really do. But, divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to a family. Your children are old enough and if you have given them the skills to deal life’s challenges, they will be fine. Whatever you decide, I wish you well. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I also think your kids are old enough to handle it.  Announcing divorce is never going to be pleasant for them no matter their ages but they are no longer babies now.  I'm sure they must see how unhappy you are so go ahead and file for divorce.  Have you talked to an attorney yet and started making plans?  

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I also think your kids are old enough to handle it.  Announcing divorce is never going to be pleasant for them no matter their ages but they are no longer babies now.  I'm sure they must see how unhappy you are so go ahead and file for divorce.  Have you talked to an attorney yet and started making plans?   And yes, I've gone through a divorce also because I was unhappy.  One of the best moves I've made.

 

Edited May 5, 2020 by stillafool

[ThePhoenixStillRises]

On 5/2/2020 at 9:24 PM, JeepMom46 said:

@Blind-sided

You dont sound harsh you sound judgy. He is a good man not a good husband. He will tell you this also. I do not give him hope. He only wants to try because people will talk if i leave. His words not mine. People will talk because from the outside we look like we have it all together. Until about a year ago only two of my close friends could tell u anything was wrong. We have tried counseling and talking at nauseum about our marriage issues. He knows exactly how i feel.  I am not selfish. I am not bored as you say. I am not trying to get back to some party life. I never had one to begin with and am not looking to pick one up. For years I lived a double life. Supportive wife and Mom and the me who enjoyed so many things I was not allowed to do because it didnt fit his lifestyle.  I have done that part of my life alone for a very long time. I am lonely, I like conversation and travel.  Sitting in my house night after night, month after month, year after year is not what I want. How many years am i expected to try? 20 more years of smiling while I cry when no one  is looking? I realize I dont owe u an explanation about my marriage issues,  this was not the point of my question, but I couldn't let you judge me unfairly.  The point of my question was whether anyone in this community is/was in a similar situation and if they could help me based on their own experience. 

I can identify with a lot of what you are voicing here, though my children were/are much younger than yours.  I tried to envision myself living the "double life" as you referred to it for at least 10 more years, and I just couldn't.  I felt like I was dying....that all of the life was being sucked out of me.  My friends had no idea that anything was wrong either....to the outside world, we looked like the perfect couple.  I felt the loneliness you describe with my ex husband sitting in the same room.  Nothing I said was important enough to really be heard and nothing that I was interested in doing took any priority.  Day after day, year after year I gave everything I had into a relationship that was very one-sided.  

No child takes the news of divorce well...but my guess is that your children already know that something is not right.  They are more observant than you think.  If you are truly that unhappy, take it from me..don't waste any more time.  

[MilitaryMan]

I agree with Blind-Sided on this post. I think she is just looking for a way out because it’s not “fun” anymore. Sounds like he is being an adult to me. Did you plan date nights ect? YOU MARRIED THIS MAN! Was he always like this? I’m sorry to say, but over years, the “honeymoon” years fade. It’s called life! If he’s trying but “you’re already over it” it seems like there is a problem with you. You marry for “better or worse”...whatever happened to people honoring their vows. 

[schlumpy]

On 5/2/2020 at 1:05 AM, JeepMom46 said:

However we have absolutely nothing in common. We can barely hold a conversation and the room is always tense lately when we are together. We have had the calm discussion about the future of our marriage.  He knows my intention to leave but tells me if I haven't left yet he is still going to try.  The trying though is awkward and tense. He gets mad when I dont reciprocate the trying, even though I have explained to him how I feel and why I have made this decision. 

So if you have absolutely nothing in common, how did you end up getting married to this guy?

Did you use him to get away from a bad situation?

Did you feel that you would learn to love him the future cause he was such a great guy and had great job?

It took you three kids to find discover you wanted out?

I'm developing a very sympathetic outlook towards you husband and would very much like to hear his side of things.

[emprosnet7]

On 5/2/2020 at 8:05 AM, JeepMom46 said:

I am wondering if anyone can comment about staying a little longer in their marriage for the kids. I have been contemplating divorce for at least 2 years now. I have been seeing a therapist and have arrived at the decision to divorce my husband. It is not an easy decision. He is a good man. There is no abuse issues.  No financial problems.  However we have absolutely nothing in common. We can barely hold a conversation and the room is always tense lately when we are together. We have had the calm discussion about the future of our marriage.  He knows my intention to leave but tells me if I haven't left yet he is still going to try.  The trying though is awkward and tense. He gets mad when I dont reciprocate the trying, even though I have explained to him how I feel and why I have made this decision. We have three great kids and we are a fun family when we are all together. My two oldest are college age with the second child moving to college this fall. That leaves the youngest at home with two years to go in HS. My plan was to stay until he graduated then move out shortly after the end of school.  The problem is I am not sure I can stay another 2 years. I am lonely, lack excitement in my life and generally feel stuck. None of his trying addresses these problems in our marriage. Do I stay the last two years and see this through for the youngest? Has anyone gone through a divorce when you were so close to having an empty nest? Thank you for your insights in advance.

This is a situation of boredom / luck of excitement vs commitment to marriage, to someone you trust,  you are used to for some years and have kids together. It is not possible to have the same sexual excitement that you had the first years of the marriage.  I am in the process of divorce and while your issue exists in my case too "luck of excitement" , my main issue is much deeper now and it is the breach of trust that I had for her. That is a colossal thing and I can not ignore it.

When I was your situation with my wife, at least from my part, I didn't propose divorce to her, but to change our lives, move to another city and house, change our environment of living and our jobs. We would be the same people but in a different environment and that would stimulate our relationship.  Unfortunately she flat out denied because she doesn't want to move away from her precious mother aka "the source of all evil".

So if you are willing to wait two more years so that your kid has both parents around and the kid is ok, do it. Otherwise do not torment the man and let him find a woman that actually loves him.