ZoeSt Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) Hi guys. New here. I am Zoe and I am desperate so I totally need your advice. I have been with my boyfriend for around 3 years now. I am generaly happy except for one think that makes me very sad and I don't know how to handle it. This has happened several times before but I will tell you the last time that a similar incident happened. This morning we went to the super market for some shopping(we don't live together but I spend weekends at his house). While he was browsing to abother isle I saw a woman which I know is his style and I immediately thought ' Ah right if he sees her he will stare at her several times until we leave'. Indeed while we were looking for a wine to buy she appeared in the next isle and my boyfriend wgo was then standing near the end of the wine isle started looking at her. When he asked me what's up I said nothing.You see there was no point talking to him about it cause every time I do he denies it and makes me feel that I am crazy. He also gets defensive and angry. Nevertheless, since I was down for a couple of hours after that and kept asking me what is wrong I did tell him and the same old thing happened again. He said that he never saw this woman. I told him that I don't mind him looking as it is healthy and I do not expect him to change (although I would at least try if it was me), and that this is an issue that I have to resolve with myself. I either accept it or I don't. Do you think he does it without realizing? Is he lying to me and why? Why deny it? Am I crazy? How can I stop feeling so sad when it hapoens? I want to be with him and thats why I am trying to change the way I feel when things like that hapoen but can I? Will I ever be able to? Please advise. Thank you. Edited May 2, 2020 by ZoeSt spelling Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) Men are visual. If your guy glances at an attractive woman in public you need to be OK with that. It will happen. You can't make your SO put on blinders & never again look at members of the opposite sex. That is not what you are describing. If he was blatantly staring at her, ogling her & checking her out, that is a bridge too far. Since you have tried talking to him about it but all he does is get defensive & turn it back on you, then you are right to conclude that after 3 years this will never stop. So the choice is yours: vote with your feet & leave or put up with it. You do need to think about why you want to be with him so much as to suppress parts of yourself & allow him to damage your self esteem. If you are that unhappy & this is an ongoing issue, I'm don't see why you have to just accept something you think is so horrible. Edited May 2, 2020 by d0nnivain 4 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 (edited) He sounds gross. Glancing is normal. Staring and then denying it is sleazy and gross and also embarrassing. Guys like this will normally flirt like crazy to any attractive servers in restaurants, etc. Why? Because they are not just looking. They are hoping to get some. You can bet that if he sees one who is his type somewhere he can then find her again, he will be circling back over there without you seeing what he can do about it. Edited May 2, 2020 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZoeSt Posted May 2, 2020 Author Share Posted May 2, 2020 I don't think that he would ever cheat on me to be honest. I just wonder why he denies it. He also askes me if any of my exes have done the same and I said yes once before. Perhaps he hates being wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 2, 2020 Share Posted May 2, 2020 He did nothing wrong. You are the one blowing this out of proportion and making an issue over nothing. Everyone is going to look at other human beings when out in public. Everyone will find other people attractive. Expecting someone not to ever look at other people or find other people attractive is unreasonable. As long as he doesn't escalate it to actual flirting, as long as you trust him and you are secure in your relationship, it shouldn't even be an issue. You are going to sabotage this relationship and push him away with this insecure, jealous behavior. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 OK it's one thing to look...everyone does it BUT when one does it blatantly in front of their SO, it's disrespectful. OP, bring it to his attention right when he is in the act. Record it if you have to. Just tell him that you know he won't stop looking. Just be more respectful and do it when you are not around. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted May 5, 2020 Share Posted May 5, 2020 There is absolutely nothing wrong with looking. If this is your biggest gripe then you have it really good. But yes, you should break up, please spare your bf from being stuck with someone like you. Normal women dont make you feel bad for just looking (It's impossible not to)- it is really insecure and he'll find himself much happier with someone else. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 5, 2020 Share Posted May 5, 2020 On 5/2/2020 at 12:04 PM, ZoeSt said: I don't think that he would ever cheat on me to be honest. I just wonder why he denies it. He also askes me if any of my exes have done the same and I said yes once before. Perhaps he hates being wrong? Oh, please. He sounds like a dog in heat. Of course he's not going to admit it. It's disrespectful, and frankly, if a grown-ass man can't control themselves any better than that, toss them back into the water. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 5, 2020 Share Posted May 5, 2020 You feel how you feel and you shouldn't be guilted or shamed for it. If you can't accept it (I'm certainly not saying you should) and he continues to do the same thing even after multiple conversations, then your choice is to either go forward knowing this is going to be the way things are, or to break up with him. Having the same conversation again and again isn't getting anywhere. Do you see yourself being able to handle the same thing for years to come? Are you able to come to terms with it? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 7, 2020 Share Posted May 7, 2020 Quote I want to be with him and thats why I am trying to change the way I feel when things like that hapoen but can I? Will I ever be able to? That is totally up to you, but you first have to go get some professional help about your insecurities because if it's not this guy, it will be every other guy you get with because the problem doesn't generate from them: it's genesis is with you not feeling that who/what you are is enough. People are going to look at other people. That's human nature. Your insecurities do not get to quantify them looking. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted May 7, 2020 Share Posted May 7, 2020 I don't think it's you who needs to change, OP. You just happened to pick a guy who causes you to feel this way. Most decent men do not gawk or stare at other women when they are with their SO. My ex used to do this, and it did't make me feel insecure as much as disrespected. It was just downright rude. Now looking back, I cannot believe I ever tolerated that crap and am so glad to be away from him (my choice to divorce him after too many years). My current fiance has never stared or gawked at any woman in my presence in the 6 1/2 years we've been together. I'm sure he looks and glances as most men do, but he is respectful and mindful about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted May 7, 2020 Share Posted May 7, 2020 Well, when men look at a woman they find attractive, a chemical similar to cocaine is released in their brain. Men get rewarded for looking, so don't expect it to stop. I've learned to be more subtle about it lol. Link to post Share on other sites
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