Why the Dumper not reaching out doesn't mean they don't want to

[Bluefincatch]

I had a relationship once where she (let's call her L), left me after being together for 8 months (both mid 20s). I was needy due to an incident in my own life early in our relationship, so I became dependant on L and didn't always give her space. L ended it saying she doesn't, and never will see a future with me again (it's amazing how everyone's a mind reader). Her reason was the neediness and me being dependant on her. She didn't think I'd be the man again that I once was before those traits. She still loved me but was no longer in love with me.

We met four weeks later for a few drinks as a catch up as I was in her area for a job interview earlier that day. The following few weeks after that meeting we were on talking terms, then we started dating and got back together for another 5 months until we ended as her job had transferred her up north and neither of us were comfortable at that time doing long distance.

The dumper not reaching out doesn't always mean it's because they don't want to. From my experience, sometimes they don't reach out because the dumper:

Fears being rejected or ignored by the dumpee

Feels they're not allowed to contact the dumpee due to having hurt them

Isn't sure if the dumpee has worked on themselves

Feels the dumpee isn't interested anymore/moved on

Obviously, the dumper might not reach out because they've moved on and don't want to speak to the dumpee. But my post is not about this.

Let's say the break up was peaceful, no cheating or abuse, no manipulation. And the reasons for breaking up was because the dumper felt smothered, depended on, and the dumpee was needy. There's no reason that if those things were worked on by the dumpee, you couldn't then reach out to the dumper.

Remember, L left me because I developed unhealthy 'beta' traits and she believed I wouldn't shake them off and be who I once was. No abuse. No cheating.

We had space of not talking (four weeks is quite short) but I only reached out to her after four weeks because I was working on my life, felt confident, worked on and removed the hardest of my 'beta' traits, and most importantly, was okay in accepting she might reject my offer to meet up, or just ignore me.

If the dumper is an adult and has emotional awareness, then you can't expect dumpers to come out and say straight away "hey I made a mistake, I love you, will you take me back". If only life was that easy. In fact, if you guys went no contact, then how is the dumper meant to know if you've changed, moved on, still struggling or anything else.

Remember when you first contact someone, a friend, someone at a bar, someone on a dating app, someone has to make the first move. To say the dumper HAS to make the first move is ridiculous.

The dumper may not reach out because they think you're hurting still, after all, you're still in no contact (and EVERYONE knows, your dumper included, that no contact is a tool to help heal before anything else). So while you're in no contact and now waiting for the dumper to make the first move to contact because society says they 'have to', the dumper could be thinking you still need to heal because you haven't reached out.

After all, with time, the dumpers view that you'll never change will disappear, but that's only possible with no contact, working on yourself, and letting your dumper wonder about you (you doing no contact with them is the complete opposite of smothering and depending on them - shows you are capable of it, against what your dumper believed).

Some dumpees don't make the first move because they fear being rejected or ignored, while some dumpers don't make the first move because they don't think the dumpee has healed. And vice versa.

Someone has to make the first move, so why not you?

P.S Let's just make one thing clear. My post is my opinion. Who ever comments is their opinion. Nobody is right, nobody is wrong. If anyone comments claiming what they're saying is fact or true, then that's only because they are your dumper. Ignore statistics when it comes to someone's free will. Opinions only people! Cheers

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen once someone is done they’re done. That rarely changes.

Most live on hopium too long.

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh, OP.  You're doing an awful lot of mental gymnastics to convince yourself that your ex might still want you. 

 

[Bluefincatch]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Oh, OP.  You're doing an awful lot of mental gymnastics to convince yourself that your ex might still want you. 

 

Oh no sorry I should have been clear, I'm not after the ex in my post. It's been a very long time since we split up and I don't have any interest in her. We live very far apart and long distance has never been something I want for my life right now. I moved on from her nearly 9 months ago now.

Was surfing in Reddit and came across posts where there are rules that you should never reach out. Looked at other relationship forums and the attitude is the same, so thought I'd offer an alternative opinion from experiences that have happened to me

[preraph]

Your post proved that getting back together usually just ends the same way as the first time, breaking up again.  On here, you see guys (mainly guys too) a week after breakup contacting their dumper to assure them they have completely changed and aren't the annoying tool they used to be a week ago.  Yeah, right.  No matter how much you regret, that doesn't change your basic personality.  Usually, once a woman has dumped you, she is done. She may have concern for you or even want to be friends and chit chat with you, but if she still wanted to care for you and chit chat with you AND have sex with you, you wouldn't be broken up.

[Marc878]

^^^^^^ all the time

[Bluefincatch]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

Your post proved that getting back together usually just ends the same way as the first time, breaking up again.  On here, you see guys (mainly guys too) a week after breakup contacting their dumper to assure them they have completely changed and aren't the annoying tool they used to be a week ago.  Yeah, right.  No matter how much you regret, that doesn't change your basic personality.  Usually, once a woman has dumped you, she is done. She may have concern for you or even want to be friends and chit chat with you, but if she still wanted to care for you and chit chat with you AND have sex with you, you wouldn't be broken up.

Hey Preraph,

I agree that begging for them to come back is a big no-no, especially when they left because they saw you as needy or smothering.

Sometimes a personality is created due to circumstances outside of that person's control. A person can be strong and confident in several relationships, and then become needy and smothering in one. And both relationships didn't include cheating, abuse or manipulation. Would you say that person's basic personality is one of confidence or neediness? I see it that it can be a mix, you can't pin someone to one or the other.

Your opinion on that when women are done, they are done, how would you explain me and my ex getting back together?

The reason we broke again was due to her being transferred to a job nearly 300 miles up north. Neither of us wanted that relationship if it meant that. If we didn't originally split up and then faced that problem, we would have been nearly 2 years together and probably would have tried a long distance.

[preraph]

You got back together just to break up again.  If it was that strong, you would have worked out the moving.  She knew the union wasn't that strong and she could live without it and she took a job transfer to move away.  You didn't follow.    She would have found some other alternative if she hadn't been okay with leaving you behind. 

 

People do get back together.  In fact, it is said that in separation and divorces, the couples nearly always get back together once before they then proceed to divorce, and I think that's true.  People try.  But the problems remain the same nearly always because it's down to one or both people being asked to compromise in a way they are not happy doing or putting up with something they can't see themselves doing for long.  Sometimes those situations are out of their control.  Like when you have kids and the man/wife relationship changes, a time of historically big divorce rate.  New expectations for helping out, less sex.  So marriages and unions change.  But not so much individuals. 

 

And I'm not marking anyone down for trying.  Especially if it was a marriage, especially with kids.  But problems don't just evaporate.  Personality remains the same.  Only behavior is modified.  True change takes years, longer than most people are willing to wait -- and it also takes necessity, and if the person is sticking with them anyway, then there is no necessity to change.  If you are both drifting and not married in a few years, who knows, maybe you'll drift back together.  I've known people, including myself, who had easy going relationships with exes enough to at least touch base from time to time as friends.  But if a real committed union was going to happen, it would have happened before, most likely.

 

 

[TeddyBundy1993]

9 hours ago, Marc878 said:

From what I’ve seen once someone is done they’re done. That rarely changes.

Most live on hopium too long.

This is real and what every dumpee who expect dumpers to come back someday need to understand. Recovery will be very easy.