Struggling not to feel at fault for the demise of this relationship

[annalilian26]

I(29F) was seeing a guy (30) with an alcohol addiction for around 5 months in 2018. When things were working out, they were great and I was fairly smitten with him. However, he would get into moods where he would become quite cold and hostile and he broke it off with me because he said he needed to be with someone who wasn't so sensitive. He really discarded me after breaking it off, resulting in me being super clingy and messaging him excessively. Although I should have known better at the time, he never communicated that he did not wish to interact with me,  he just snapped and blocked all contact with me for 2 years with intermittent schedules of unblocking where he would respond very coldly if I tried to reconnect. It ate away at me, I felt completely rejected and like I was completely repulsive to him.

Eventually he messaged me out of the blue earlier this year and wished to meet up with me. He confessed a number of reasons why he cut off contact, namely that he got into a relationship and because he was dealing with some personal issues (grieving over the loss of a friend), so he was not in a place to open himself up and be vulnerable with me. He also confessed that he had such strong feelings for me that it scared him and because he has a tendency to sabotage good things, he ended the relationship abruptly. He also confessed that he didn't feel he really had feelings for the girl he was in the 1 year relationship with during our lapse of contact and found himself thinking of me when he was with her, but stuck with the relationship because he didn't want to continue his pattern of pushing people away and because she was also an alcoholic, this was something that kept them together.

We reentered a relationship with one another and things were going fantastically for a solid month. Although, I was not aware of the severity of his problem drinking as he hid a lot of it from me. A month into the relationship, I found out he had been hospitalised for drinking on 2 occasions in the 2 months before we reunited and nearly died of alcohol poisoning twice. He had also lost his last job as a barman for drunken disorderly behaviour at work and his relationship ended because he cheated on his ex girlfriend when he was on a drug and alcohol induced binge. I was pretty concerned about what I had gotten myself into, but he told me that he feels he doesn't need to drink around me and feels on top of the world being sober when he spends time with me, which makes him want to take up sobriety and go to rehab.

Unfortunately after he tod me this, he went on a 2 day bender before we planned to meet up and when I met up with him he was coming down from it all. In this time he was very disconnected and irritable and said some hurtful things, which lead to us arguing for a whole day. I was really trying to talk it through with him and come to a resolution, however it was working against me and he eventually told me he felt he had been interrogated for 10 hours straight and now remembers why he broke up with me in the first place. He also brought up my BPD (which I have spent 2 years in treatment for and according to my psychiatrist, no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for) and how it is unmanagable and no one will likely be able to handle it. I fell onto the ground in tears and he looked at me blankly and told me he is going to do some cleaning around the house

I was very hurt by this and snapped, telling him that I thought he was a wretched person, that he treats women like s*** and that I hated him. I honestly felt so shocked with what came out of my mouth and I felt completely sick and angry at myself for saying these things to him. I was on my knees apologising to him non stop, telling him I didn't mean to hurt him and I wanted to take it all back. He said that it was ok , that he was hurt but he doesn't think of me differently. He then said he was going to go for a walk to go to the shops and will be back in 15. When he got back, he skulled down a 6 pack of cider and half a bottle of wine in about an hour and began getting really angry and argumentative with me, accusing me of starting on him when I wasn't saying anything ( I was sitting in complete silence during this time). All of a sudden, out of nowhere he told me he wanted me out his house. When I was packing my things to go, he told me that I am a miserable c**t and will be the one who ends up lonely He also kept on repeating that I am the one who is wretched. I was in tears, telling him to stop saying these things to me and he said that if I'm going to dish it, I should take it and told me to f*** off out of his life. I tried to call him the day after to tell him I didn't want to end things on such bad terms and I was so sorry for the hurtful things I said. He was sober at the time of our discussion and he then told me that if I was a man he would have kicked me in the head for saying what I said, but he didn't because he doesn't hit women. I tried to explain that I really wanted to be on good terms with him. He became more agitated and told me his other exes (all of whom he is close friends with) never verbally abused him, don't overwhelm him with so many problems/questions and give him his space, so I will never have that place in his life and hung up. I later found out that he was hospitalised a week after this happened for acute pancreatitis and pre cirhosis. I was super concerned and tried to see if he was ok and he bluntly told me to f*** off. 

I feel completely at fault for the demise of this relationship, but most of all, I don't understand how/why any of it happened. I now accept that this person will never be in my life again, but how can I let go of the pain and self-blame for this relationship ending on such a sour note when I really meant well all along?

Appreciate your time!

[ShyViolet]

It's not about whose fault the breakup was.  You both had serious problems and dysfunctional behaviors and need to be single for a while and work on those respective problems.  Obviously his main problem is the alcoholism.  He shouldn't date anyone until he seriously turns his life around and deals with his problems.  

You, on the other hand, need to ask yourself why you kept going back to a very dysfunctional man and a very dysfunctional relationship.  It sounds a lot like co-dependency.  You should have walked away from this guy long ago, when he started exhibiting unhealthy and abusive behaviors. Those are issues that I think would make a lot of sense to work on in therapy.  You will just repeat these unhealthy patterns again in future relationships if you don't work on it.

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship was never going to work. 

He has serious addiction problems that are ruining his live and one day will likely, sadly, lead to his demise. You are powerless against this disease. No amount of love and support from you was going to be enough to get him out of it. He is too far beyond that point. 

You would be better-served by trying to figure out why you went back to someone you knew had a host of problems, and why you stayed again despite the significant red flags. There is something in you that is drawn to this. Take your time now in understanding what that is, so you don't get involved in such an unhealthy relationship in the future. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

That man is a mess at 30 he has issues that teenagers have moreover behaves and manipulates according to his own needs and comfort. He will never change. When you started your relationship again, it has same classic traits of a failing relationship.  Great going in the beginning then falling apart at the same pace. 

How far can you deal with such a abusive cheater dishonest manipulative man ? You cannot change him,  he doesn't want to change for good. Respect and understanding should be mutual,here I only see you doing that while he does what he likes. Life is very short, don't waste these precious years on this man. Cut contact and just stay away. It will never work with him, never. He is simply narcissistic and you boost his ego by talking to him giving power to him to abuse you.  Walk away knowing it's for the best, it will be hard in the beginning it always is. Slowly you'll be fine and better replace him for good. Dont let him re enter your life.

[Realitysux]

I did the same thing. My situation gave me more closure. I was the one who wasn't rational and had he been dealing with a rational person, then he probably would have communicated differently. I did far worse and the guy was a really nice guy. I blamed him for my inability to let go and the guy didn't do anything wrong. He's a really good hearted man and I don't wish to disrupt him any longer. I wish him well. Maybe you can try and recognize that abuse makes it harder to recover from but you deserve better! 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[d0nnivain]

8 hours ago, annalilian26 said:

I feel completely at fault for the demise of this relationship, but most of all, I don't understand how/why any of it happened. I now accept that this person will never be in my life again, but how can I let go of the pain and self-blame for this relationship ending on such a sour note when I really meant well all along?

Oh good heavens.  You have a massive self esteem problem.  You got involved with a raging alcoholic yet can't figure out why it's not your fault that he couldn't make a relationship work. Oh boy. 

You need two things sooner rather than later:  therapy & to attend Al-Anon meetings.  Al -Anon is a support group for people in love with addicts.  They will open your eyes & help you to understand why he was never able to have a relationship.  All the signs are there:  alcoholic, commitment phobe, cheater, gas-lighter.  Why you can't or refuse to see them is a  mystery to be solved by your therapist. 

Best wishes.  Although you can't see it, this was not your fault & you are soooooo much better off without him.