How to Handle Ex Stalking From a Distance (Logging Into Accounts)

[Physx]

Me and my ex broke up now about a month or so, maybe a little more.  I made another thread about it, but that post is fairly irrelevant to this current issue.  Apologies in advance, as a lot has happened since then and want to make sure you know the relevant details on what has gone on since the breakup.

The current issue is that since the breakup, while we immediately cut all communication off, she has logged into multiple accounts of mine.  She is trying to snoop into what is going on with me, but from a distance.  I don't have any clue what her agenda is and not sure how to stop it.  I work with her too, which doesn't help.  Fortunately now, it's from home, but only a matter of time before they have us going back.

Here's how it started... about two weeks after the breakup, I got two consecutive phone calls from a blocked number at around 4am on a Friday night.  On the second call, the person left a voicemail, I think unintentionally.  In the voicemail, the person (a black male) is reading a message I sent to my ex that I had sent during our breakup (we had not talked since then).  It was pretty basic, just about picking my stuff up, but he is clearly reading it from her phone, he laughs, she says something incoherent in the background, then he says something about "you two play too much, lol" and hangs up.  While not threatening at all, the fact that the call was blocked and in the middle of the night speaks for itself.  It was clearly intended to harass or otherwise embarrass me.  I don't believe it was someone she was dating, as in her words in the past, "I never date black guys."  Just didn't sound like her type, so most likely a party (you could hear other people in the background too).

The next day when she woke up (assuming after she realized there was a voicemail left from her call records), she then left me five consecutive text messages.  Not a single apology for any of what she did, just her talking about how she is "questioning everything about me" (even though she is the one that was caught in lies - projecting), and then a sob story about how hard it is since she has lost her mom.  She didn't even mention the phone call from the night before, no "hey, sorry I went all rage on you and chased you out of your home."  Nothing like that.

Naturally, between the call and the context of her messages, I was beyond upset.  I called her out on how messed up the call the night before was and how messed up it was that she didn't even have the decency to apologize for anything, just a pity party on her part.  No response from her after.

A few days later, she messages me again.  Yet again, no apology, just more sob stories of how hard it is since her mom has passed away and how bad she had needed me at that time.

I tell her if she feels she made a mistake, STILL needs me, or something like that, to let me know.  No response.  So, I took it as her just wanting to make sure she had me as an option if she changed her mind later on.

A few days after that, I got locked out of my online bank access.  Seems as if she had been trying to log into my bank account (I already changed the login info right after our breakup).  She tried three times within four days, which locked it out.  My bank had the attempted login info, and it was clearly her (or someone she knew).  So, instead of flat out trying to talk to me, she was trying to snoop on what I was up to through my bank account!

At that point, it was just too much.  Considering it was a guy that called me, I honestly didn't even know at that point if it was her that tried to log into my bank account, or possibly him (my bank login info was in a text to her as well while we were together).  So at that point, I sent her a text calling her out on both the phone calls, and that now, I'm locked out of my bank account because of either her or someone she gave my login info to.  I told her she has two hours to apologize and explain what she is up to, or else I will be filing a police report on both the call as well as the failed bank login attempts.  She failed to reply.  I did indeed file a police report on it.  While neither was illegal, I wanted it on record in case anything escalated later on (or in case I eventually need an injunction against her).

That was about a week and a half ago now.  Since then, I came to find out she has also been logging into my e-mail here and there as well.  The most recent being less than a week ago, so since the incident where I called her out on the bank logins.  So, she is STILL continuing to try to snoop on me from a distance, yet I still haven't heard from her since I brought up filing a police report.

I honestly have no idea what to do here.  I've never had an ex do this before.  I mean based on her actions, I feel like she doesn't want me back (or is at minimum not sure if she does), yet wants to see what I'm up to in case she changes her mind.  When she last logged into my e-mail, I'm sure she saw the e-mail I got back from the local police department letting me know my report was accepted, so she at least knows I did indeed follow through on that.  At the same time, I know now that she has my current address (from other e-mails from stuff I had to order). 

I am changing literally every single one of my passwords now today, but I still have to deal with her at work.  And since I am an idiot, there is still a part of me that misses her.  At the same time, I am adhering to no contact, and don't see any way she could possibly fix the damage she has done.  I am tempted to call her out on logging into my e-mail, but I feel breaking no contact would be a huge no-no, even for that.  But, I feel insulted - like she cares enough to try to keep an eye on me, but not enough to try to fix us. 

I tried to give her the hint on Friday that I'm moving on by posting a pic of me and a girlfriend of mine for my work image (we get to have an avatar while working online and can use any image we want).  I'm sure she saw it, as our team is small (and considering she is snooping into everything else of mine).  Nothing from her since then, which even more so makes it clear to me she doesn't actually care, just wants a backup is all.

If anyone has any suggestions here, I'm all ears.  Again, I'm changing all my passwords today, continuing to not contact her, but this is just ridiculous now.

[preraph]

Well, simple solution:  Change all your passwords to something she could not possibly guess.  If she's on any of your accounts, get her off them.  If she is on your lockbox, get her off it.  Change your passwords, block her phone number, block her on social media, block her email, and voila, you are done with her.  

 

If she has anything left at your house, then you need to take care of that first.

[FMW]

I agree with preraph.

Her accessing your email and trying to access your bank account is indeed stalker behavior and kind of crazy.  

I know you only want comments about this specific thing, but the entire relationship and breakup actually ARE relevant to what's happening now.  It all provides context and paints a full picture, not just an isolated fragment.   

It sounds like you would be open to getting back together with her if she apologized and was the one to say that's what she wanted.  Remember how you described her in one of your last posts on your other thread.  Unless you like drama, just have no further contact at all with her.  "Calling her out" is only going to keep the drama going.  Just let it die and move on.   

 

[Physx]

Thanks, and you are absolutely right FMW, calling her out would keep the drama going.  I don't even know why it is that I have this small part of me that misses her.  I guess it's just the hope of what "could have been" based on how she was in the beginning.  I have to just keep reminding myself that was only love bombing and not real on her part.

But I'm just concerned after I change all my passwords and she can't snoop that way, what other ways she will try to keep an eye on me.  Again, she does know where I live now.

[preraph]

Remember that saying you're sorry doesn't mean you'd do any different next time.

[Realitysux]

23 minutes ago, FMW said:

I agree with preraph.

Her accessing your email and trying to access your bank account is indeed stalker behavior and kind of crazy.  

I know you only want comments about this specific thing, but the entire relationship and breakup actually ARE relevant to what's happening now.  It all provides context and paints a full picture, not just an isolated fragment.   

It sounds like you would be open to getting back together with her if she apologized and was the one to say that's what she wanted.  Remember how you described her in one of your last posts on your other thread.  Unless you like drama, just have no further contact at all with her.  "Calling her out" is only going to keep the drama going.  Just let it die and move on.   

 

She's right. I've been in this situation before with this guy I used to work with. He also hacked me and logged into my email. He never apologized, confronted the situation, or tried to make amends. He just used other people to tell me to block him, let him go, and move on. I felt really humiliated and rejected but I also understood that I was in a bad place and I needed to stop contacting him. I confronted him and told him to leave it alone, so I could continue to work on myself and my life with some dignity. I didn't want to change my passwords or block him because he already made the decision about me so there was no need to. It was just a game to him. It was about me moving on and getting to a good place and being at peace to let him go. Generally, this behavior is not love so you do need to move on. I had feelings involved to but they weren't reciprocated, they weren't rational, and I needed to let him go. I looked up love bombing and I love bombed him, he didn't me. I was the one who was not rational in this. 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[d0nnivain]

Do change all your passwords.  Since she has banking info I would change banks.  

Block her everywhere & live your life.  Do keep a log off all these things.  If she gets through to you again, tell her to cease & desist or you will take action to protect yourself.  Make sure to keep this log.  You may need it as evidence if she tries to jeopardize your job or worse.  

[Physx]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

Do change all your passwords.  Since she has banking info I would change banks.  

Block her everywhere & live your life.  Do keep a log off all these things.  If she gets through to you again, tell her to cease & desist or you will take action to protect yourself.  Make sure to keep this log.  You may need it as evidence if she tries to jeopardize your job or worse.  

Thanks.  So far, it doesn't seem like she has tried to bring this drama into work.  I'm not sure though, as she might have, but they might have just written her off since I'm one of the top producers at work.

I am tempted to bring it up to our HR department myself, as I am NOT comfortable working on the same team as her all things considered.  But, I know she knows the female that works the HR department there.  Not sure how well she knows her, but she does know her.  With the reputation she has though, that might even end up working in my favor.

This whole thing just astounds me though.  I don't get why someone would discard you in as hostile of a way as she had, then continue snooping into your stuff after the discard.  But as others have already said, I do know this has nothing to do with love on her end.  Seems to be more so about control.  Maybe hoping to find something in there to use as ammo against me or something.  I don't know exactly, but it's extremely underhanded and I am getting fed up with it.

With her knowing where I live, I'm dreading her giving my address to her other drug-addict friends and someone doing something to my car or causing some other type of drama.  I mean they were willing to call me from her phone in the middle of the night, God only knows what else they'd do for her.  She can be extremely manipulative.

[FMW]

The middle of the night call could have just been a butt dial.  Maybe she was being childish and/or drunk and showing one of your texts to whoever she was out with and someone accidentally hit the phone icon and dialed so you overheard part of their conversation.  That happened more than once with someone I used to know.    

[preraph]

If you let her know in writing you don't want to hear from her again, then if she does show up in person, you can call police. 

[preraph]

Change your passwords at work too.

[lana-banana]

"Stalker behavior" is following someone around, and is anywhere from annoying to dangerous. Logging into personal accounts is a CRIME. Not only do you need to change every single one of your passwords, but you need to set up 2FA on all of them as well. If I were you I would buy a Yubikey immediately.

Once all your accounts are secured you need to create extensive documentation of all these login attempts. Make a note of when these attempted compromises occurred, the associated IP addresses/locations, and all of the email messages you've sent about them. I would contact the police about the attempted bank account login and provide information about the others as well. The cops might not be able to do anything (although depending on where you live and how much information you have, you could have enough to file charges) but it will at least be on the record that you've tried to contact them about it. I would also email a close relative or your best friend and tell them everything you've said here. In case this behavior continues you want to be sure other people can vouch for you.

Whenever your health and safety is at risk, paper trails are your friend. Document, document, document. And take care.

[ShyViolet]

It's not hard to just change all your passwords.  I don't understand why you didn't do that as soon as you first realized that she was logging into your stuff.  You said she was "logging into your email from time to time".... did you secretly like the fact that you still had some connection to her or something?

Just change all passwords to something she couldn't possibly guess, and cut off all contact.  She will eventually give up.

[Physx]

1 hour ago, lana-banana said:

"Stalker behavior" is following someone around, and is anywhere from annoying to dangerous. Logging into personal accounts is a CRIME. Not only do you need to change every single one of your passwords, but you need to set up 2FA on all of them as well. If I were you I would buy a Yubikey immediately.

Once all your accounts are secured you need to create extensive documentation of all these login attempts. Make a note of when these attempted compromises occurred, the associated IP addresses/locations, and all of the email messages you've sent about them. I would contact the police about the attempted bank account login and provide information about the others as well. The cops might not be able to do anything (although depending on where you live and how much information you have, you could have enough to file charges) but it will at least be on the record that you've tried to contact them about it. I would also email a close relative or your best friend and tell them everything you've said here. In case this behavior continues you want to be sure other people can vouch for you.

Whenever your health and safety is at risk, paper trails are your friend. Document, document, document. And take care.

Thanks, and I already had filed a police report about the calls and attempted bank login attempts.  It freaked me out as I figured it might've been someone else trying to log into my bank account (after she showed them my text messages).

It doesn't seem to be criminal yet, as the police wouldn't be able to prove that I hadn't authorized her to go into my accounts.  The exception to this would be if I had sent her some type of verified communication explicitly stating that she is not permitted to log into any of my accounts, that would be a different story.  Since I've changed all my passwords, it shouldn't be an issue anymore anyway.

This is just crazy to me.  I mean she could simply text or call me herself, but instead, these childish games of snooping on me?  I just don't get it???

[Realitysux]

6 minutes ago, Physx said:

Thanks, and I already had filed a police report about the calls and attempted bank login attempts.  It freaked me out as I figured it might've been someone else trying to log into my bank account (after she showed them my text messages).

It doesn't seem to be criminal yet, as the police wouldn't be able to prove that I hadn't authorized her to go into my accounts.  The exception to this would be if I had sent her some type of verified communication explicitly stating that she is not permitted to log into any of my accounts, that would be a different story.  Since I've changed all my passwords, it shouldn't be an issue anymore anyway.

This is just crazy to me.  I mean she could simply text or call me herself, but instead, these childish games of snooping on me?  I just don't get it???

I don't know but do you have things in your personal life to focus on. I do! I'm working on driving, have a job, a few side projects, fixing my house, gym, tanning, shipping, clubs, bars, beers, I'm a real party animal now. Who cares is all I have to say about that! 

When this is over, I have a routine. I'm not going to dive into drinking but I'm going into the bar alone, sitting at the bar, ordering a drink and shooting the s***. Ideally pubs are better but you have to start somewhere! 

Edited May 3, 2020 by Realitysux

[Physx]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It's not hard to just change all your passwords.  I don't understand why you didn't do that as soon as you first realized that she was logging into your stuff.  You said she was "logging into your email from time to time".... did you secretly like the fact that you still had some connection to her or something?

Just change all passwords to something she couldn't possibly guess, and cut off all contact.  She will eventually give up.

Actually, changing all my passwords is VERY tedious.  I am a techie and have well over 100 accounts with 100 passwords.  I wasted 2.5hrs today changing the main ones, and I still have lots that haven't been changed yet.  And considering I run an online business, some passwords are a HUGE pain to change (verifications, etc.).  So no, it's not that simple for everyone.

And I DID start changing it as soon as I realized.  The login history was something I just noticed last night.  You are making some really weird and completely incorrect assumptions here.  I looked at the login history last night, it showed she was logging in, I changed it as soon as I saw the login history with her in it.  The bank ones I changed as soon as we broke up, because I knew she had them.  I had NO idea she had gotten her hands on my e-mail address passwords until last night.  So no, no interest in having a "connection" to her by letting her log into my accounts.  In fact, I personally feel like this was a complete violation of me.

And yes, I changed all the ones so far to something she could never possibly guess.  I can't cut off contact 100% though since we work together.  I am debating talking to the HR department about all this.  I mean I don't want to make waves at work, but I am not comfortable around her at all for what should be obvious reasons.

[Physx]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

I don't know but do you have things in your personal life to focus on. I do! I'm working on driving, have a job, a few side projects, fixing my house, gym, tanning, shipping, clubs, bars, beers, I'm a real party animal now. Who cares is all I have to say about that! 

When this is over, I have a routine. I'm not going to dive into drinking but I'm going into the bar alone, sitting at the bar, ordering a drink and shooting the s***. Ideally pubs are better but you have to start somewhere! 

Well, I do have some personal goals for myself, but nothing immediate.  This whole pandemic thing is holding me back on a lot of what I'd like to do.  But thanks for the suggestions.  Definitely a few things I'd like to take on.

More than anything at this point, I want to focus on a really solid income, a home, and progress from there.  I miss owning a home and want to get back to that asap.  Only thing holding me back at this point is student loans (which throw off my debt to income ratio).  Just going to take time, but I certainly have some goals for myself.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, Physx said:

ince then, I came to find out she has also been logging into my e-mail here and there as well. 

That is a federal offense under the wiretapping statutes--Interception of a communique in transit is what it is called. She is not the intended recipient of the email, therefore, the email is supposed to go from the email account's server to your computer and she intercepted it.

If you mean business, hire a lawyer to get that ball rolling.

Quote

I am debating talking to the HR department about all this. 

I'd get over that real quick in case she hatches a bright idea to take you out through a sexual harassment allegation.  If one of the email accounts she was hacking into was your work email, they need to know that.

Edited May 4, 2020 by kendahke

[Physx]

37 minutes ago, kendahke said:

That is a federal offense under the wiretapping statutes--Interception of a communique in transit is what it is called. She is not the intended recipient of the email, therefore, the email is supposed to go from the email account's server to your computer and she intercepted it.

If you mean business, hire a lawyer to get that ball rolling.

I'd get over that real quick in case she hatches a bright idea to take you out through a sexual harassment allegation.  If one of the email accounts she was hacking into was your work email, they need to know that.

Well, I will be filing an updated report with the local police about it, that's for sure.  I'm not sure if they'd pursue something like that criminally though, and it wouldn't be worth the money to hire a lawyer to pursue it.  But, I appreciate the feedback, thank you.

As far as HR, I'm going to discuss the matter with my supervisor first.  I'm just worried about bringing the matter up and being seen as the "problem employee."  So, I feel like it could go either way.  As far as sexual harassment, no way.  Multiple people at work knew we were living together, they knew we were a couple, etc.  And there's all the text messages showing we were a couple for that time.  The most she could try to pull at this point is make a claim that I'm harassing her now, but she would have no proof, while I have all the proof on my end here.

Another thing is I really don't want to make her lose her job.  I don't hold grudges and don't care about revenge.  I just want to be left alone, but she seems to just want to keep dragging out drama.

[Realitysux]

43 minutes ago, Physx said:

Well, I will be filing an updated report with the local police about it, that's for sure.  I'm not sure if they'd pursue something like that criminally though, and it wouldn't be worth the money to hire a lawyer to pursue it.  But, I appreciate the feedback, thank you.

As far as HR, I'm going to discuss the matter with my supervisor first.  I'm just worried about bringing the matter up and being seen as the "problem employee."  So, I feel like it could go either way.  As far as sexual harassment, no way.  Multiple people at work knew we were living together, they knew we were a couple, etc.  And there's all the text messages showing we were a couple for that time.  The most she could try to pull at this point is make a claim that I'm harassing her now, but she would have no proof, while I have all the proof on my end here.

Another thing is I really don't want to make her lose her job.  I don't hold grudges and don't care about revenge.  I just want to be left alone, but she seems to just want to keep dragging out drama.

So tell her that. I'm in the same boat, I don't hold any grudges and I have no Ill intent at all. I'm not one for revenge at all but this situation is messed up. It is not easy being on the receiving end. She doesn't want to reach out but she wants to check in on you. I wouldn't waste the money on this. I'd be cautious as to what information I give her at this point. 

Edited May 4, 2020 by Realitysux

[Physx]

1 hour ago, Realitysux said:

So tell her that. I'm in the same boat, I don't hold any grudges and I have no Ill intent at all. I'm not one for revenge at all but this situation is messed up. It is not easy being on the receiving end. She doesn't want to reach out but she wants to check in on you. I wouldn't waste the money on this. I'd be cautious as to what information I give her at this point. 

Thanks again so very much for the feedback.  And yea, the whole "she doesn't want to reach out but she wants to check in on you" thing is what makes this so disturbing on my end.  I have absolutely no idea what her agenda is.  It's immature and unsettling to me.  And the select few times she had reached out, all it was about was her playing the "poor me my mom passed away" card and projecting the honesty issues onto me.  It was insulting.  I'd rather her have never contacted me again.

She basically used her mom passing away as justification to treat me the way she did.  Her mind is beyond warped.  But yea, I don't think I want drama at work about it yet.  I do feel a little bad for her, but with all she has (and still does) put me through, I'm not quite sure why anymore.

[Marc878]

No contact means NO CONTACT.

cut it off

[Realitysux]

Unfortunately some people have issues and need help. I would leave it alone and change those passwords 

Edited May 4, 2020 by Realitysux

[Malin889]

Change all your passwords for personal stuff and work, and if she has your bank account number, close the bank account and open a new one. I had a joint bank account with my ex, which was in my name, but he had access to it. (We lived together and had a child together, but he didn’t have a social security number being from another country.) Immediately  after we broke up I closed the account because I didn’t trust him, so if by chance he ever tried to access it by using my social or anything, he couldn’t. 
 

I’ve never given a boyfriend, even the live-in ex, my passwords to any of my accounts... I just never felt like anyone needed access to my email, my phone, etc... Why does she have your password? Honestly when I hear couples who have each other’s passwords, I don’t understand. I just don’t think people need each other’s passwords unless it’s absolutely necessary.