Husband cheated with work colleague

[Virgo88]

Has Anyone here been betrayed on by their husband or wife ?? 
My husband betrayed me with a colleague at his work one month into our marriage.
My husband was a little different the week he cheated.. distant irritable etc And when I Confronted him, he made it out like I was being paranoid - and that I should let him breath, I then left it.

The day before my husband cheated, he told me that he has an client meeting after work, now usually my husband has client meetings during work hours not after work. It was a little funny to me.

Next morning Friday ( the day he cheats ) he wakes me up with a good morning kiss and hug then tells me how lucky he is to have me which led me to think he’s back on track and out of the little funk he was in the whole week . When my husband left, 20 mins later I had the worse feeling and felt sick which resulted me not going into work -

my husband messaged me asking what time I was going work and how much he misses and loves me etc - the last text I got from my husband was him telling me his client meeting is now pushed to 3.30pm and that his battery is low - I read the message at 3.40 and I messaged him back ‘okay hun’ my message wasn’t delivered.

So around 4ish I sat on the couch and logged into our iPad ( we use mutually) to watch a movie but I notice my husband had emails coming thru, I was contemplating weather to check his mails or not, finally gave in and clicked inbox, I see an hotel confirmation email which has been forwarded the same day to a name called becky - I froze and I just started crying,

I called the hotel got an answer but couldn’t be connected to the room it was just ringing, and did ask the hotel to confirm who was staying in the room ( they gave my husbands name) - around 9ish I hear key rattle, and my husband makes his entrance with a happy face and different clothes on , ‘ babyyyy I’m home ‘ I confronted him straight up ‘ how did it go with Becky, you had a good fu*k’ ( he was shocked and turned bright red ) and he denied it but eventually gave in ..

I made his life living hell, and Beckys too, I told him I’m divorcing him .. .. I did throw few punches at him because I was blacked out. Which I shouldn’t have but no I don’t regret it.

he became suicidal when I told him I’m done, obviously I didn’t let him kill himself. Eventually i forgave him months later only because he was remorseful, he was apologetic and told me it happened because she was there showing him attention and that he got caught up with the excitement and it didn’t mean anything.

I wanted details on what happened which made me livid ..I felt insecure ( my husband Did reassure me that him sleeping with becky wasn’t anything to do with me. And he did say it was his fault. my husband an I we are still in love with each other, but the problem is I’m still mad at him! Why can’t I frikken let this s***ttt go  it’s been two years now 

I get so snappy with him , and I keep thinking that he’s going to mess up again which then leads me to believe that I don’t trust him.. Am I the only one who finds it hard to let go ! Can anyone relate??? I feel insecure some days ( my husband continuously tells me I’m beautiful, but this doesn’t change anything. 

Sorry for the long message I’m just really hurt.

Edited May 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Left out how many years I’ve been with my husband

[elaine567]

That wonderful man who tells you he loves you sooooo much...

40 minutes ago, Virgo88 said:

he wakes me up with a good morning kiss and hug then tells me how lucky he is to have me

32 minutes ago, Virgo88 said:

When my husband left, 20 mins later I had the worse feeling and felt sick which resulted me not going into work -my husband messaged me asking what time I was going work and how much he misses and loves me etc

Was actually scheming to betray you
Of course you don't trust him.
Why would you?
He lulled you into a false sense of security and then stabbed you in the back, no-one really forgets that.
You now don't believe a word he says.
He ruined it all, and now you are understandably angry.

[BaileyB]

My husband cheats on me a month into marriage and I would be asking a lawyer if we are able to get an annulment. 

That’s supposed to be the honeymoon phase, when you only have eyes for each other. A man who does this is not a man to be trusted. 

[stillafool]

After you told him what you discovered he probably took his cheating underground and made smarter choices so this didn't happen again.  Unfortunately I doubt that was the last time he cheated on you.

[pepperbird]

If it was me, I would be contacting  a lawyer's office without delay. I would also speak with a doctor and get tested for STDs. That he can come in so nonchalantly and breeze by you with that silly grin as if you were the love of his life all while knowing he had just cheated on you is nasty. DO NOT KEEP HAVING SEX WITH HIM! DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HIM!
Get away from him, live your life and be happy.

While you're doing all of that, get your temper under control. No more throwing punches. No more making his and Becky's life a living hell. That's not strength! It will just come back to bite your behind, and it's better to not add any more complication. Better to move on with grace and leave them in the muck they created. Otherwise, in the near future, at worst, you may find a woman on your doorstep with a paternity test showing your husband has a new child he never told you about or find yourself with a positive std test because you picked up a disease from him. At best, you'll never be able to trust him  again. Why do that to yourself? Why be miserable if you don't have to be?

[heartwhole2]

Of course you're hurt. I'm so sorry. There's no good time to cheat, but your first month of marriage should be a magical time. I'm sorry your husband took that away from you. 

When someone causes us great harm, of course we feel angry. Your feelings are perfectly normal. Since you still see value in staying married, you can learn to work through those feelings with your husband. Try to take a step back and view your anger like it's happening to someone else. Walk through what you are feeling with your husband, not in a "I'm going to kick your ass" kind of way, but in a "my heart is broken and I am so angry that you did this to me." If he's remorseful then he will be more than willing to do this with you.

Have you tried counseling? I'd start with going by yourself and then move onto couples' counseling when you've gotten some tools in your arsenal. I also highly recommend the Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. 

It's easy for people to say what they would do when they're not in your shoes. Before I was cheated on I don't think I imagined staying in the marriage. We humans are resilient and we can grow and change. If you choose to stay together, you can have a beautiful union strengthened by what you've overcome. 

There are no guarantees in life. You can lose precious things at any time. I'm not willing to go through life with a hateful and vengeful heart, so that means I need to process and release my anger, bitterness, and resentment. I do it for *me* because I benefit the most from an unfettered heart. I don't reconcile relationships with people who remain harmful to me -- I have boundaries and end relationships if I must -- but with people who are imperfect humans (just like me) trying to learn and grow, I can restore a relationship in a healthy way.

[assertives]

I would have sought for an annulment if my husband cheated on me a month into our marriage and I most definitely would not want to put my life in danger to have his kids. Cheating is a deal-breaker in my books. I personally subscribe to the notion that once a cheater, always a cheater. I know this notion isn't always true because people do change and people do sometimes make mistakes, but I'm not someone who trust easily and broken trust would make it even harder for me to "re-trust" him to not cheat again. By extension of that mistrust I guess he would probably for a long time be regarded as a cheater nonetheless. I wouldn't be able to stick around always wondering when's the next time I'll get cheated on again. That's no way to live, but that's just me.

The way your husband could sashay in after cheating on you like today is a beautiful day tells me that he doesn't think there's anything wrong with his behaviour and would have done it again if not caught. You say you and your husband still love each other, but frankly, I'm not sure this is an act of love. It's not your fault that you can't "just get over it". I've read that infidelity can often take years and decades to mend and even then, the marriage/relationship is never the same again. If you are committed to staying with him and keeping your marriage, I'd really suggest getting some marriage counseling together. 

Edited May 4, 2020 by assertives

[heartwhole2]

I have a friend whose husband cheated within the first year of marriage, and she received a lot of advice from betrayed spouses online saying, "I would never stay if we didn't have kids, etc. etc." But if you think about it, it still takes remorse and grace and compassion and effort to reconcile a marriage, kids or not. Otherwise you're just staying married; you're not in a transformed and healthy relationship. 

When you mention fear that he will mess up again, that's perfectly normal too. Your world was upended one day and you experienced trauma. Your brain is trying to protect you and keeps scanning the environment for warnings that it will happen again. Again, this is something a trained professional can help you through. 

It's also possible that you don't trust your husband because he's not proven himself trustworthy yet, but from a single post we don't really have enough to go on to help you figure that out. There's a great little book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair that describes what your husband should be doing if he's truly remorseful; I recommend checking it out. 

When my husband cheated on me I was in my mid 30s and it was a wake-up call for me to evaluate my coping resources, my communication skills, my self-worth, etc. No matter what our age, we can always learn more about ourselves and mature into people who are kinder, wiser, and more content. 

[Virgo88]

7 hours ago, stillafool said:

After you told him what you discovered he probably took his cheating underground and made smarter choices so this didn't happen again.  Unfortunately I doubt that was the last time he cheated on you.

@stillafool    no didn’t cheat again after this otherwise I would’ve mentioned it in my post. I’m not going to lie I have the find my iPhone installed in his phone so I do track.  And I track his WhatsApp messages too, emails and bank. Whatever he does it comes to my iPad... He obviously doesn’t know this. Should I feel bad for tracking his phone ?  I don’t. i do admit I don’t trust him and I want to build my trust. It’s been two years since the affair. 

[Virgo88]

5 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Of course you're hurt. I'm so sorry. There's no good time to cheat, but your first month of marriage should be a magical time. I'm sorry your husband took that away from you. 

When someone causes us great harm, of course we feel angry. Your feelings are perfectly normal. Since you still see value in staying married, you can learn to work through those feelings with your husband. Try to take a step back and view your anger like it's happening to someone else. Walk through what you are feeling with your husband, not in a "I'm going to kick your ass" kind of way, but in a "my heart is broken and I am so angry that you did this to me." If he's remorseful then he will be more than willing to do this with you.

Have you tried counseling? I'd start with going by yourself and then move onto couples' counseling when you've gotten some tools in your arsenal. I also highly recommend the Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu. 

It's easy for people to say what they would do when they're not in your shoes. Before I was cheated on I don't think I imagined staying in the marriage. We humans are resilient and we can grow and change. If you choose to stay together, you can have a beautiful union strengthened by what you've overcome. 

There are no guarantees in life. You can lose precious things at any time. I'm not willing to go through life with a hateful and vengeful heart, so that means I need to process and release my anger, bitterness, and resentment. I do it for *me* because I benefit the most from an unfettered heart. I don't reconcile relationships with people who remain harmful to me -- I have boundaries and end relationships if I must -- but with people who are imperfect humans (just like me) trying to learn and grow, I can restore a relationship in a healthy way.

@heartwhole2   wow! Thank you so much for this I’m sorry that you have been cheated on aswell my love. It’s really upsetting, are you still hurt ?

I’m ordering the book you mentioned and I will take your advice about going counselling then with my husband- my husband and I are very much  in love - he is always apologetic- there are times where he sits and stares at me and randomly just gets emotional because I think he can see I’m still hurting. He knows he did hurt me and he is blaming himself all the time. He wants nothing but a good future with me and  Wants kids with me.

I do want my marriage to continue I just feel bitter and angry. My temper is crazy. I can literally snap at him over a dust on the floor, You know what’s crazy as well I’ve invested my mind so much into this cheating and I’m traumatised with it , I’m starting to literally forget things my short term memory has been horrendous , it has damaged me psychologically. My anxiety is so bad. This isn’t normal right 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Virgo88 said:

 no didn’t cheat again after this otherwise I would’ve mentioned it in my post. I’m not going to lie I have the find my iPhone installed in his phone so I do track.  And I track his WhatsApp messages too, emails and bank. Whatever he does it comes to my iPad...

Ever heard of a burner phone?

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Virgo88 said:

I’m not going to lie I have the find my iPhone installed in his phone so I do track.  And I track his WhatsApp messages too, emails and bank. Whatever he does it comes to my iPad... He obviously doesn’t know this. Should I feel bad for tracking his phone ?  I don’t. i do admit I don’t trust him and I want to build my trust. It’s been two years since the affair. 

A marriage where I have to track my husbands online activities and location is not a marriage for me.

Marriage is nothing without trust. I couldn’t live with a man and have children with a man that I don’t trust. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Virgo88 said:

I do want my marriage to continue I just feel bitter and angry. My temper is crazy. I can literally snap at him over a dust on the floor, You know what’s crazy as well I’ve invested my mind so much into this cheating and I’m traumatised with it , I’m starting to literally forget things my short term memory has been horrendous , it has damaged me psychologically. My anxiety is so bad. This isn’t normal right 

What exactly are you getting from your marriage except to have a man and a license?  You have to track his every move because you're worried about him cheating, he has to walk on eggshells around you to keep from setting off your crazy temper and anxiety.  I don't know how long you expect him to live that way before he feels it's no longer worth it.  This wouldn't be a good marriage to bring kids into.

[heartwhole2]

I think it's very important that your husband goes to counseling on his own. It's great that he's very sorry and very much committed to you -- you can't build on anything with that -- but he needs to work on himself first and foremost. People can change, but it requires a lot of commitment and effort. It's like training for a marathon; you have to put in the time and change many aspects of your life to make it happen. Without genuine, sustained change, you're going to have a hard time trusting him because you will always remember how he was able to deceive and betray you so easily. He needs to understand how this happened -- not just "I was dumb" or "she threw herself at me," but why he didn't have better morals and boundaries and what it takes to acquire them. 

Your experience is all a normal response to trauma. You really need a professional to help you with that -- there are techniques like EMDR that can help.

My husband gave me his passwords and turned on phone tracking, and yes I did check those. It lessened with time. In my case he only admitted to an EA and then gave me his passwords, so it was through checking that I discovered it was really a PA. I think this reinforced in my brain, "You've got to check! You've got to check!" It's often not only the affair but how the cheater handles discovery that determines how reconciliation will go. I don't check anything except location (and he checks mine too - it's sometimes easier than asking when the other will be home) any more. It's been five years and I think I stopped checking after a year or two. 

The most important thing is for both of you to find a good counselor. My husband is still seeing his and he's grown and matured a lot since the affair. He's grown his roots deep down so that when he's stressed, he has tools for managing it. He's become much more selfless and empathetic. He's self-aware; he knows his strengths and weaknesses. He anticipates situations that will lead to no good and actively makes better choices. He's transparent about who he knows and what he does. He's learned how to communicate hard stuff.

You've mentioned your temper several times; you also want to develop new tools for handling stressful situations. I think oftentimes when we've been cheated on there's a subconscious thought of, "If I keep mistreating him and he takes it, then I'll know he really does love and want me." But if that worked, then you'd feel better by now, right? You need to break that cycle and learn to rebuild your self-esteem and your trust in healthy ways. 

[heartwhole2]

2 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I think it's very important that your husband goes to counseling on his own. It's great that he's very sorry and very much committed to you -- you can't build on anything with that -- but he needs to work on himself first and foremost. 

Sorry, meant to say you can't build on anything without that . . . 

[preraph]

He did it once, he'll do it again.  

[usa1ah]

Most of the women on here are going to tell you he will cheat again. Then they will turn around and tell a guy who’s wife is cheating on him that it was a one time mistake and once a cheater, always a cheater is not the case. 
 

I push for divorce always. The marriage you had ended when your husband cheated. It’s not a question about will he do it again or anything dealing with him. 
 

It has everything to do with you! Can you get past what your husband has done to you? If not, then do what you have to to get past it. That includes divorce, counseling or both. Some people just can’t move past this type of betrayal. 
 

You have a decision to make and only you can make it. 

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

He did it once, he'll do it again.  

He was far too slick, the ink hadn't even dried on their marriage certificate, I guess this was not his first rodeo....

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, Virgo88 said:

I do want my marriage to continue I just feel bitter and angry. My temper is crazy. I can literally snap at him over a dust on the floor, You know what’s crazy as well I’ve invested my mind so much into this cheating and I’m traumatised with it , I’m starting to literally forget things my short term memory has been horrendous , it has damaged me psychologically. My anxiety is so bad. This isn’t normal right 

I'm not going to attempt to assess your husband's "worth" in terms of reconciliation efforts, but it does very much sounds like you have unresolved emotional pain over this. Maybe I missed it above, but have you tried IC/psychotherapy for the emotional distress? If you haven't yet, suggest picking a counselor who genuinely specializes in marriage issues/infidelity but focus on you (for now at least). This is NOT a diagnosis, but it sounds like perhaps you have or are developing some anxiety issues, no doubt exacerbated by the affair if so. Another potential reason to seek IC IMO and possibly take care of both issues if that's correct.

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, usa1ah said:

Most of the women on here are going to tell you he will cheat again. Then they will turn around and tell a guy who’s wife is cheating on him that it was a one time mistake and once a cheater, always a cheater is not the case. 

OP, I'm not one of those women.  Cheaters are all the same whether it's a man or woman.

[Yosemite]

On 5/4/2020 at 1:44 AM, elaine567 said:

Ever heard of a burner phone?

Or how about his work phone and work computer, the OP can't track those...

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry OP, but I highly doubt that was the first time he cheated on you. It was just the first time he got caught. One month into marriage and he was already having sex with someone else? That's pretty bold and strongly suggests he was comfortable enough infidelity to not even bother enjoying the honeymoon period of marriage with you before bedding another woman. 

My guess is that he'd been cheating for a long time (maybe off and on, or maybe consistently) and managed to hide it from you until that point. I wouldn't believe for a moment that what you do know is all there is to know. That's likely the case also now. It's not hard for experienced philanderers to cover their tracks if they really to, I'm afraid. 

However, it's been two years. You are still hurt and angry and don't trust him. I can't say I blame you. Your gut is pleading with you to get away from him, screaming at you that he's still untrustworthy. You have to decide - do you really want a lifetime of this? It's not all about you letting go. It's about you evaluating whether this man is worthy being called your husband. 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

One month into marriage and he was already having sex with someone else?

This means that while you were planning your wedding he was grooming and fooling around with this girl and who knows how many others.  He will never be faithful to you.