We continue as we had been, stolen moments here and there

[Aether]

** Note from moderation, this opening post was split off a thread and placed here as a new thread, carry on **

I haven't posted my story, it just feels way too complicated for me to think about at the moment, but suffice to say, I never thought I'd ever be here.

Unlike a lot of you myself and my MM have not slept together since this has only been something that started in Feb, we did however, develop extremely strong feelings for each other.  We'd been friends since I started working at my current place of employment, he was my go to person for...well everything really, we developed a bond quickly I guess, hit it off from the moment we met (he interviewed me and is the reason I even have a job right now), as a friend he means the world to me.  At the beginning, after refusing him because he was married on more than one occasion, I did finally cave in, it felt like he'd ripped off a lid and I found myself feeling things that I hadn't for a very long time, I realised that I'd had feelings for him for some time (I knew he'd had a thing for me for a VERY long time).  We have expressed love, he claimed that once his youngest turns 16 (next year), he was leaving his wife and she knew this, the marriage is not much of a marriage and hasn't been for a long time. (I know, I know..I've read the stories) 

Long story short, lockdown happens, his wife has health problems and must self isolate for 12 weeks, she suffers from anxiety too.  We continue as we had been, stolen moments here and there, explicit texting, but after one such stolen moment the next day at work he seemed a bit off, I text him when I get home asking him if he's ok and he admits that he feels incredibly guilty, he can see that she is struggling and feels awful about it.  This is one of those moments where I say all the right things with tears streaming down my face, he is doing the right thing, he's a good man, but he is falling apart himself.  I told him that I still care and I'm still here for him even if just as a friend (he has confided incredibly personal things in me in the past, feels safe telling me anything etc).  This was a few weeks ago now, I've text him a few times asking if he's ok, sometimes he'll reply with something short, other times we'll have a little conversation, he's also struggling with the lockdown, depression is hitting him too.

The pain for me right now and for the past couple of weeks is work, sometimes he'll look at me like he hates me when I see him, sometimes he'll ignore me completely, and I just don't know how to deal with it.  Thursday was a good day, it almost felt like we were friends again, I miss that so much, I always said to him that I didn't want this to ruin our friendship because it means so much to me (call me naive, but know that I've never been in this situation before).  Right now I'm not contacting him, I'm giving him space which I hope is the right thing to do...it feels like the right thing to do, I don't want to make it any more difficult for him, I'll wake up in the morning feeling strong and emotionally balanced, then I'll see him...he looks like he's suffering and in pain (he wears a mask very well usually) and I just fall apart. 

I'm very much like Lurker in that I have no answers, I don't know where we stand, other than he needs to make sure his wife is ok, which I always say I understand, he doesn't seem to want to give an answer and he's not contacting me outside of work at all at the moment.  His wife is going back to work on Monday I believe which could be why his mood seems to have improved, but I'm still in the dark really.  There are far more details that I could share, but it would probably fill a book.

I just really wanted to express my sympathy here because I'm going through the exact same thing, I don't know if holding back has made him hold back completely, again it's one of those questions that I ask myself, has my holding back made him feel rejected? (I know depression and the selfish headspace it can create), I can't even guess what he's thinking or feeling currently.  All I know is that it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before, last week I felt like I was dying, I was exhausted, I was weak and I just wanted to lay down and die, I have on and off days with crying, sometimes at work, sometimes at home, I'm a mess, but I'm a strong mess...I think.  This is a man that would look at me like no man ever has before, he always has, he looked at me like no one else existed, he has cared about me for a long time and I him.  I'm lost too.  This whole lockdown thing has made everything so much worse.

I'm sorry this post was so long. Where I'm at?  I'm currently just trying to do me, look after me, find my balance and strength.  I never thought it would be this hard.  I thought "it's only been a few months, I'll be fine!" but oh my god...it hurts way more than I ever expected it to.

p.s. I'm single and have been by choice for years, have been happy on my own...up until now!

Edited May 4, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[MissBee]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Heartbreak hurts like hell, there is no way around that. Be it an affair or regular ol' breakup or any permutation in between. 

The good news though is that nothing stays terrible forever, and you WILL come out the other side. That's a guarantee. As cliched as it is, you truly just have to break up life into small chunks at a time and find things to find joy in that aren't about him or the relationship. It will feel difficult and sometimes you have to force yourself, but even finding 5 minutes of something for you that you like slowly builds up your strength. Lockdown makes everything tougher as well, as so many of our usual outlets aren't available. But it's still possible to do what you can with what you have.

Do you have friends you are close to and can set up some Zoom chats, Zoom happy hours, join some kind of online class or group (so many places offering these), immerse yourself in some good books  (there is a book called The  Journey from Abandonment to Healing, I highly recommend, so insightful, not for only breakups but even to helps us understand why sometimes we choose relationships or situations that end up making us feel abandoned) or a hobby you can do at home, take walks, take baths, but more over, figure out, without this man, what's the ultimate thing you want for yourself and set the intention and goal to create that life.

I'm no stranger to heartbreak or affairs and over the years I've learned and grown so much and have and still am creating more and more of the life I want and I know it's not easy but truly the biggest shift and help for me has been centering myself, my desires, my needs, my want and my worth and demanding [through my energy, disposition, choices and boundaries)  life, lovers, friends, coworkers treat me with only the highest care and anything less, you can't be in my life.  The more I've done that and when I experience heartbreak and begin putting this person on a pedestal and acting like they are heaven-sent and I can't live without them, I really delve into my self work stuff and self love by writing my good qualities, reading affirmations, meditating and doing things and spending time (even during lockdown just texting, calling, video-chatting)  with people who affirm me and support me and feed my soul, it helps so much to genuinely feel good and heal and to also open your eyes to no longer wanting s***ty, confusing, less-than, tumultuous situations. 

 

[mark clemson]

Good post, MissBee.

Aether, I would note that if you can find someone else to feel for, someone you can actually have, wouldn't that be better?

Have you been into therapy? Just a thought but perhaps you may have "avoidant attachment" style? Something to consider and look into.

Also you mention crying - is that from "intense longing" for him? If so, you may have limerence. Suggest you look that up on Wikipedia in case that's correct, so you understand what you're up against.

In addition to MissBee's suggestions, there are other posts, particularly in this section that give recommendations for activities to get past limerence and/or regular ol' heartbreak. So, consider doing some reading around here.

I'd note that he seems to want and/or feel responsible towards his wife, which is only right and also may explain his ambivalence. Based on a year + worth of reading and posting around here, I'd suggest you plan for him NOT to leave his marriage. I assume the "kid is 16" goalpost is years away. By far the most likely scenario is that will be years of your life in an emotionally stressful affair, only to not have him and be together in the end. Recognizing that may help you to make better decisions now, before too many years of your life have slipped by in this.

[Aether]

On 5/12/2020 at 5:30 PM, MissBee said:

I'm sorry you're going through this. Heartbreak hurts like hell, there is no way around that. Be it an affair or regular ol' breakup or any permutation in between. 

The good news though is that nothing stays terrible forever, and you WILL come out the other side. That's a guarantee. As cliched as it is, you truly just have to break up life into small chunks at a time and find things to find joy in that aren't about him or the relationship. It will feel difficult and sometimes you have to force yourself, but even finding 5 minutes of something for you that you like slowly builds up your strength. Lockdown makes everything tougher as well, as so many of our usual outlets aren't available. But it's still possible to do what you can with what you have.

Do you have friends you are close to and can set up some Zoom chats, Zoom happy hours, join some kind of online class or group (so many places offering these), immerse yourself in some good books  (there is a book called The  Journey from Abandonment to Healing, I highly recommend, so insightful, not for only breakups but even to helps us understand why sometimes we choose relationships or situations that end up making us feel abandoned) or a hobby you can do at home, take walks, take baths, but more over, figure out, without this man, what's the ultimate thing you want for yourself and set the intention and goal to create that life.

I'm no stranger to heartbreak or affairs and over the years I've learned and grown so much and have and still am creating more and more of the life I want and I know it's not easy but truly the biggest shift and help for me has been centering myself, my desires, my needs, my want and my worth and demanding [through my energy, disposition, choices and boundaries)  life, lovers, friends, coworkers treat me with only the highest care and anything less, you can't be in my life.  The more I've done that and when I experience heartbreak and begin putting this person on a pedestal and acting like they are heaven-sent and I can't live without them, I really delve into my self work stuff and self love by writing my good qualities, reading affirmations, meditating and doing things and spending time (even during lockdown just texting, calling, video-chatting)  with people who affirm me and support me and feed my soul, it helps so much to genuinely feel good and heal and to also open your eyes to no longer wanting s***ty, confusing, less-than, tumultuous situations. 

 

Hi MIssBee, thank you so much for the reply,

I'm no stranger to heartbreak myself either, I've been through the mill many many times, I'm 47 on Monday.  I've been much better lately, I remind myself to stay in the present moment and that helps A LOT, no past to remember or regret, no future to feel anxious about, I needed to do that.  My balance is returning and I feel that I'll be ok.  I've done an immense amount of work on myself over the years, after every knockdown, I put myself back together slightly better than before.  I do still care for/love him a great deal, but I realise that his issues are something that he needs to deal with on his own, I do allow myself to hope that one day he's able to do just that, for himself.  We're still friends, we talk/laugh at work, even if not quite the same as before (at the moment), I'm hopeful that with baby steps we'll be who we were before we got involved, that more than anything was what I feared losing and was the reason I didn't reciprocate a certain message from him that probably just would have made him feel even worse if I'd let him take that particular conversation in the direction it was headed, I couldn't do that to him or me.  He has all that going on at home, lockdown is hitting him hard and on top of that he has SO MUCH on his plate at work (he's senior management).

Lockdown has made this harder for me to overcome for the reasons that you state, I believe if we weren't in this situation now I would have dealt with things much more easily due to my history, I do still have little wobbles occasionally, but the crying has stopped, hopefully it'll stay that way!  I'm a very sensitive person and the collective energy created by the lockdown has me struggling even more to be honest, but I'll get there.  Baby steps, in all things.

[Aether]

On 5/13/2020 at 12:37 AM, mark clemson said:

Good post, MissBee.

Aether, I would note that if you can find someone else to feel for, someone you can actually have, wouldn't that be better?

Have you been into therapy? Just a thought but perhaps you may have "avoidant attachment" style? Something to consider and look into.

Also you mention crying - is that from "intense longing" for him? If so, you may have limerence. Suggest you look that up on Wikipedia in case that's correct, so you understand what you're up against.

In addition to MissBee's suggestions, there are other posts, particularly in this section that give recommendations for activities to get past limerence and/or regular ol' heartbreak. So, consider doing some reading around here.

I'd note that he seems to want and/or feel responsible towards his wife, which is only right and also may explain his ambivalence. Based on a year + worth of reading and posting around here, I'd suggest you plan for him NOT to leave his marriage. I assume the "kid is 16" goalpost is years away. By far the most likely scenario is that will be years of your life in an emotionally stressful affair, only to not have him and be together in the end. Recognizing that may help you to make better decisions now, before too many years of your life have slipped by in this.

Hi Mark,

Thank you for the reply, on the subject of finding someone else... I did actually signup to an online dating site which is something I've never done, I think that was more in an effort to make myself feel better which ended up feeling incredibly selfish, but to be quite honest with you it made me realise that I'm not actually interested in a relationship, I wasn't interested before I got involved with my MM, my only wish currently is to be the person I was before, only slightly better!

On limerence, I've seen this word used a lot on here and I don't think so.  The crying, I came to a realisation about, I was grieving what felt like the loss of an extremely important friendship, I missed that dynamic more than anything else.  He was the person I valued the most at work and our friendship meant a lot to me.  He knew this, I told him at the start.  I'm absolutely in no way emotionally avoidant, open the flood gates and there's no stopping me!  I just overthink everything, I can't help it but I'm trying to do less of that these days.

I was never expecting him to leave his wife, his youngest turns 16 next year (he's 48).  I think he feels responsible towards her, which I understood completely.  He was always honest about the fact that he has a lot of unresolved baggage, he's not his biggest fan and I know why that is...it's not something that's easily dealt with either.

At the end of the day, I miss my friend.

Edited May 19, 2020 by Aether

[spiritedaway2003]

I am glad you are able to find that balance.  I say this gently but I want to caution you that once those "extremely strong feelings" develop, it becomes very difficult to remain "just friends".  I've been where you are.  As far as I can tell, you are still early stages and the tide could change.  My advice is cease all contact if you can, even if you think you could be "just friends".  Transfer to another department or company if need be.  It sounds drastic because ...why lose a friendship that you value when you enjoyed each other's company?  I get it. I really do. I will say this: Be careful of the matches you have in your hands. I was naive and thought we could "reset" and just be friends, but the connection grew and deepened in ways neither of us expected.  I guess what I'm saying is to be very wary.  This is how it begins.

Happy belated birthday, Aether.

Edited May 21, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

[Aether]

44 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

I am glad you are able to find that balance.  I say this gently but I want to caution you that once those "extremely strong feelings" develop, it becomes very difficult to remain "just friends".  I've been where you are.  As far as I can tell, you are still early stages and the tide could change.  My advice is cease all contact if you can, even if you think you could be "just friends".  Transfer to another department or company if need be.  It sounds drastic because ...why lose a friendship that you value when you enjoyed each other's company?  I get it. I really do. I will say this: Be careful of the matches you have in your hands. I was naive and thought we could "reset" and just be friends, but the connection grew and deepened in ways neither of us expected.  I guess what I'm saying is to be very wary.  This is how it begins.

Happy belated birthday, Aether.

Thanks for the reply,

Oh I intend to be incredibly wary.  Do you have your own thread? I feel like I should go and read that...

Thank you for the bday wish, but it's actually this Monday coming!  I'll take it in advance

[Crazelnut]

Arther, let me add to the caution about trying to return to being "just friends." It's almost impossible to do. Transforming friendship > romance > friendship takes years, if it can be done at all. Once that genie is out of the bottle, you can't get it back in. You can't just turn off feelings that intense, and it brings real pain to be around someone you still have feelings for but can't have. You need to assume that you two will never be friends like before. There will always be unspoken disappointment, guilt, and longing between you. Getting over it takes years.

Treat this like a breakup. Stop depending on him for your emotional support and put some distance between you. Based on his discomfort around you at work, he's clearly struggling. Do both of you a favor and leave him alone to deal with his family issues. 

Edited May 28, 2020 by Crazelnut