CuteA11 Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 Hi everyone, I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Last year (August, 2019) I reached out to a guy in my group of friends to ask advice for dealing with depression (I know he has depression and I was going through a tough time).. I always had a slight interest in this guy, but I was married when I first met him, and he was in a serious relationship. Anyway, when I reached out, he had broken up with his girlfriend and I got separated... He responded to my message with a very immediate, long message, and we started chatting after that, every single day on WhatsApp. Eventually, we started hanging out in person. I went to his apartment for movie nights, we went on hikes, out to lunch/brunch, we went for walks, etc etc. It even progressed to going out to dinner and getting coffee on a regular basis. He always wanted to hang out alone, just the two of us. There was a point where we were hanging out every few days (always initiated by him). I am a psychologist for my career, and at times, I questioned if he was "using" me for someone to listen to his issues (he frequently talked about his mental health struggles).... OR, if we were both just lonely and using each other, in a sense. During the span of this year, we were never anything more than platonic friends (no physical contact other than hugs goodbye). BUT... the friendship had a certain intimacy that my other friendships with men don't have (always one on one, shared a lot of secrets/private information, gazed into each other's eyes, flirting, etc.). He also asked me on multiple occasions, "what type of guy are you attracted to" and he sent me messages every day, even "goodnight" texts every night. He was also always the first person to ask how I was feeling, or how things went(for example, when I quit my job). And, he shared his secrets with me, including personal information that he said he hadn't told anyone else. We developed a closeness and a bond because of this. So, naturally, after spending all of this time with him, I started to develop feelings... A crush, I suppose... But, I never acted on it, or said anything to him. We had several heated fights over miscommunication, or when I felt like he was excluding me from activities with the other people in our friend group. One day, he said that he "wasn't interested in continuing the friendship, because the bad times we have are too severe." I was extremely hurt that he was ending the friendship, so I lashed out at him and told him that I felt "drained and depressed" when we hung out, and that he was frustrating to be friends with, because he always complained about his problems but never did anything to fix them" (which IS how I felt). Anyway, this falling out was 9 months ago.... I still think about him everyday. He also lives right down the street from me (unfortunately), and I drive by his apartment all the time on my way home from work. I'm actually surprised at how much I miss him/think about him. I've never felt this way about any other friendship that ended... I feel like we didn't really have any resolution. I guess I'm wondering, should I just let it go? I've thought about reaching out to him many times, but I am scared. I am scared that he won't want to hear from me, that he will be hostile, or just outright ignore me. I feel like we shared something special, and I can't seem to let it go. Sorry this was quite long, and rambly. I just feel very confused and sad... I thought that after this long, I would've reached some kind of peace and acceptance of the situation. I know that he was fulfilling some sort of validation that i needed at the time, and maybe it wasn't the healthiest friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 This wasn't just a friendship, it was an intense flirtation and you developed feelings..... it makes sense that you wouldn't be able to just get over it so easily. It's ok that you're not over it, give it time. I think you have no choice but to let it go, though. He bluntly told you that he wasn't interested in continuing the friendship. I don't see what could be gained from you trying to contact him again, except your emotions getting played with some more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 Sounds to me like you bonded over similar emotional challenges and that was the glue that held the two of you together for a time. Unfortunately there wasn't enough there, for whatever reason, to grow beyond it to a more sustainable relationship. Some connections aren't meant to last forever, but help us along the way to learn things, including about ourselves, that will help us find happier relationships down the line. As with a lot of attachments, the easiest way to loosen the bonds is to switch your attention to better options, whether those that actually exist at the moment or looking forward to those that will come along in the future. Don't seek to reconnect unhealthy attachments. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 What i see here is that he wanted more than friendship. Sounds like he really cared about you and even dropped hints about a possible relationship. The flirtation and closeness was there. I think he cut off the friendship to protect his heart, which was the right thing for him to do. It likely became too hard for him so his only option was to walk away. I would say its ok to reach out to him and try to talk calmly together about what went wrong. Tell him the truth about the feelings you had for him. It can't hurt to try. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 13 hours ago, CuteA11 said: We had several heated fights over miscommunication, or when I felt like he was excluding me from activities with the other people in our friend group. What kind of miscommunication? How did he exclude you? Examples might make things a little clearer. Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 Hell, I get the feelings part. Been there. I'm there now. She doesn't know. But it was nine months ago for you and it just isn't doing you any good holding onto it. You can't make him change his mind. Sometimes you just don't have any other alternative but to move on. Write him a letter or text but just DON'T send it. Try to give yourself some closure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CuteA11 Posted May 5, 2020 Author Share Posted May 5, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, JTSW said: What i see here is that he wanted more than friendship. Sounds like he really cared about you and even dropped hints about a possible relationship. The flirtation and closeness was there. I think he cut off the friendship to protect his heart, which was the right thing for him to do. It likely became too hard for him so his only option was to walk away. I would say its ok to reach out to him and try to talk calmly together about what went wrong. Tell him the truth about the feelings you had for him. It can't hurt to try. JTSW, what makes you say that he wanted more than friendship? I am curious to know more, because you are the only one to have this opinion so far.. I am intrigued. I will say, he did state that he wasn't attracted to me in a romantic way (I once asked...), because he has "specific features" that he likes in women.. something about their noses/facial features. He also told me that he wanted nothing more than "platonic friendship", but his actions definitely said differently... He would often act shy around me, and then when he had a drink or two, he would get flirty. It just didn't feel like a "normal" male-female friendship (at least compared to my other male friends). If I were to reach out, what would I say? How would I start the conversation? I've never tried to rekindle a friendship after this long. I will add that he said "I would like to be friends again someday, if things were different" (aka: we didn't fight as much, things were more "stable").. So, maybe he was trying to leave the door open? Who knows. Edited May 5, 2020 by CuteA11 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CuteA11 Posted May 5, 2020 Author Share Posted May 5, 2020 9 hours ago, FMW said: What kind of miscommunication? How did he exclude you? Examples might make things a little clearer. FMW: In terms of miscommunication, I meant that because we usually communicated by WhatsApp, my sarcasm or other comments would get misconstrued/feelings would get hurt, and it would cause fighting between us. Or, if he used a one word answer, or didn't reply right away, I would get upset, etc.... But, in those cases, we would usually meet in person and talk it through, and everything ended up being fine (this happened at least three times: we would have bad fights through texting, and then meet up and "make up"). As I said, we didn't have the healthiest dynamic.... When I said excluded me, I meant that because we were in the same group of friends, I would text him "what are you up to?" and he would say "nothing", or not reply, but he was actually having a movie night with our mutual friends, and did not invite me... Or, I found out after the fact that he and the others had hung out/done various activities together and didn't invite me. For some reason, I took it really personally that he didn't invite me specifically.. I guess I felt like I was special to him somehow, and why wouldn't he want me there? Again, weird dynamic.... I kind of felt like I was his surrogate girlfriend, minus the physical intimacy. OR, he was just using me somehow, to help with his loneliness (he had broken up with his long-term GF a while ago)... or as a "therapist." I got some kind of validation out of it too, but I often questioned how healthy our friendship was. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted May 5, 2020 Share Posted May 5, 2020 9 hours ago, CuteA11 said: I will say, he did state that he wasn't attracted to me in a romantic way (I once asked...), because he has "specific features" that he likes in women.. something about their noses/facial features. He also told me that he wanted nothing more than "platonic friendship", but his actions definitely said differently... He would often act shy around me, and then when he had a drink or two, he would get flirty. It just didn't feel like a "normal" male-female friendship (at least compared to my other male friends). Actions speak louder than words and i do believe that he definitely had feelings for you. 9 hours ago, CuteA11 said: If I were to reach out, what would I say? How would I start the conversation? I've never tried to rekindle a friendship after this long. I will add that he said "I would like to be friends again someday, if things were different" (aka: we didn't fight as much, things were more "stable").. So, maybe he was trying to leave the door open? Who knows. Send him a message asking how he is doing and see how it goes from there. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 On 5/4/2020 at 10:06 PM, CuteA11 said: I will say, he did state that he wasn't attracted to me in a romantic way (I once asked...), because he has "specific features" that he likes in women.. He's told you straight out that he's not interested in you romantically. Why would you try to start something up with this guy again? Do you enjoy being rejected over and over? I think it's best to leave it alone and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CuteA11 Posted May 7, 2020 Author Share Posted May 7, 2020 6 hours ago, ShyViolet said: He's told you straight out that he's not interested in you romantically. Why would you try to start something up with this guy again? Do you enjoy being rejected over and over? I think it's best to leave it alone and move on. I'm inclined to agree with you... I was already rejected once, in the sense that he ended the friendship. I think the hardest thing for me is that his actions didn't match his words, and he said that he wanted to be "friends again someday.." Why would he say that? You would think that when someone wanted to cut things off, they wouldn't say that. I just feel very confused, and that there are loose ends.... Other friendships that have ended in my life have felt more final. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts