Feeling anxious after asking for a break

[canolahoney]

This is my first time posting here, after lurking for a few days reading the experiences of others and how some fellow members give insightful feedback. Since it's the pandemic season and I feel the urge to vent, I decided to make an account and post my experience. 

I apologize beforehand for any mistakes, as English is not my native language.

And I think this is gonna be a wall of text.... so  

I (27F) met this guy (20M) from joining the same gaming enthusiast group online in March 2019. We live in neighboring countries apart from each other. Due to the age gap, at first I only consider and treat him as my dearest younger brother. But some friends from the same group notice that his behavior towards me rapidly changes into the one that implies romantic feelings (e.g showing that he's extremely happy when I appear online, being jealous when I jokingly flirt around with friends from the same group or voice-chatting with friends in the group). I wasn't aware of his feeling at first, and I tried to ignore whatever my friends told me about it because I genuinely adore him as younger sibling (might sound cliche but it's true..) He's not an open person, but once he got into an argument with his dad, and decided to confide on me. I tried to console him and gave him advice as someone older.

Until one day, 3 months after we first 'met' (not sure how to phrase this since up to this we only interacted online - texts, voice calls), he straight up asked me if I only considered him as younger sibling. From that, we had kind of heart-to-heart talk where I told him that I do adore him, but due to circumstances between us (e.g age gap, distance, not to mention this is based on online environment and I have no experience with this kind of relationship before thus making me feel wary), I don't think I can possibly think of him as more than that. He understood, then for a while we continue our usual banter.

Over the time, one month after the talk, I realized that I start to grow feelings for him. He started to become closer with a female friend from the same group (we can refer to her as X), he bought X an expensive online games at random timing, flirted with her etc, and I actually felt jealous. So I decided to gather my courage and told him that I actually felt jealous, that I might actually start to think of him as more than younger brother, etc. This was done over text and voice call afterwards. He sounded happy that I told him this, and he apologized for not noticing. He wanted to officially date me, but as I consider his current condition (still in school; actually at this time he's super busy with a project and can only go home during weekends), I told him that I would wait for him to finish school first. 

I guess after this point we kinda become exclusive for each other; spending most of free times voice-calling. As he's busy with school project, we can only voice-call during evening on weekdays. It's a tough project, so I got this feeling of wanting to be there to support him as much as I could. Never once I thought this kind of feeling would take toll on myself later on....

He's a cute, sweet guy in general. Proclaiming his love to me everytime he can (at some point I even thought that it's not genuine, because he says it every single time...), joking around with me and our group of friends. But one thing I notice shortly after that, he kinda started to make jokes that would degrade my feeling sometimes (mostly calling me names, yelling at me and speaking to me in a not-so-friendly tone whenever we're doing a group voice-call). I realized that I am the older one here, so I tried to suppress my anger. But at one point, I exploded and told him off for disrespecting me (in public, somemore). He apologized, saying that he was just joking and he never meant to disrespect me.

October 2019, our group of friends decided to meet up in his home country. Since I got myself free time, I decided to join and visit him too. He was overjoyed when he knew I was coming, it was also the time he finished his project at school. He asked me to write him a letter. I agreed. So we met, we had fun, I gave him my heartfelt letter and gifts (quite expensive one, if I could say so myself, but I knew he's always wanted this item so I decided to buy for him and surprised him). We talked and hugged a lot. (Nothing more happened though; we are both raised as conservative Asians so 😅)

Things started to go noticeably downhill in December 2019. I was involved in major disagreement with the people from gaming enthusiast group. Some of them felt uncomfortable seeing him flirting openly with me in the group space, then they started to get angry at me in private messages, ignoring my presence in the group, etc. I argued with them, saying I never started flirting with him, so why should it be me who get all the blame? They said, since I am the older one, they felt it would be better to scold me since I might be able to take it better than scolding him who's still immature by age. I couldn't accept this reasoning, so I left. And he never knew anything about this, thinking I left only because a small misunderstanding. I never bothered telling him also, afraid of hurting his feeling. He kept asking me to come back to the group, but I got fed up of them already, so I refused sternly. He stopped asking me to come back after that.

I (un)consciously started generalizing and hating people from that group, even though I only had problems with some of them. I also felt that since I left, he became a bit distant.... I felt we no longer have anything in common between us. He prefers playing games with friends from that group. We still call each other everyday, but I try to be considerate to him, since I know they regularly do gaming session every few days. I keep saying that it's okay if we don't call everyday. But he insisted on calling everyday.

Few weeks ago, I found out that he hid his gaming status in game apps from me to play games with that group. Until now I still don't understand why he felt the need to do that.. I mean, it's not like I ever got angry at him for still playing with them. I tried confronting him about this, but he got all defensive without giving me an exact answer why he did that. I fully know this is a small issue, but somehow I felt wronged.... Like, he lied to me. He mentioned something along the line of I know that you ended things with them in not-so-good way, so I try my best not to let you see anything related to that group, tbh you're having problems with them and not me but I try to be considerate of your feelings. Then I exploded, ended up telling him the true reason of me leaving the group. Upon knowing this, he became silent, cried, and apologized for not knowing.

We somehow resolved that fight, but I noticed he spent less time with me now compared to before. We used to talk from afternoon until 2am during weekends... Then after I left that group, we only talked for 2 hours in the afternoon and 3 hours in the evening.... And recently we only talked for 2 hours in the evening before sleep. The timing is always decided by him, to match with the convenience of his gaming schedule. I feel like I'm just a part of his schedule at this point, but I never say anything to retaliate, afraid of hurting him... It's not that I want to cling on him and occupy all his time for myself, but I just feel sad upon noticing that the time he wants us to spend together become significantly reduced since I leave the group...

Until recently. We were on our usual night call session. He asked my help to purchase in-game stuff for him since it's cheaper in my local currency. I remembered he once bought stuffs for X, so I casually asked him, "Do you need me to buy for X too?" At this question, he got angry, saying that my question was too random and unnecessary. It was actually an innocent question from me, but after a friend recommended me to read The Five Love Languages, I noticed that one of my dominant love language is gift giving, so I might unconsciously asked him out of jealousy.. Like, he could buy stuffs for X (whom he refers to as just a female friend), but never once thought of giving me (whom he refers to as someone he loves). I told him all this, and asked to end stuffs (this is kinda funny since we are not officially dating yet). He cried again, apologized for taking me for granted, and asked for one week to think stuffs thoroughly. I agreed.

One week passed by, but he didn't show up at all. So the day after the promised day, I texted him to officially end everything, blocked him from all social medias except the texting app. Below is the gist of what I told him:

Hi, the promised one week was supposed to be yesterday, but I didn't hear anything from you. So I thought it no longer matters for you. Thus, I decided to end stuffs here to give myself closure. Thanks for everything, hope our meeting would serve as a lesson for both of us to be better in the future.

He did respond with something like this:

Hi, it's not like I forget. I just don't know how to approach the end like this, so I sort of run away. I know I messed up stuffs, I really don't want to end things with you like this. It hurts my heart. I think we shouldn't rush on deciding important stuffs like this.

Honestly though, I felt like he left me hanging by not appearing on the agreed time...  It hurts me. I wonder if I never texted him first, until how long would he prolong the silence.....?

I replied him the day after (I regretted this though....)

Do you think I was too rushed yesterday?

He answered me,

Yes. I don't wanna lose you just like this.

So I suggested we take longer break, like, four weeks. He agreed and promised he won't run away again this time.

Today is exactly one week since our last conversation. The first three days I kept crying. I feel anxious as heck even though I was the one suggesting the break.....

I'll just try to summarize my whole mess of feeling below.

1. Deep down I know that this relationship won't work. At this point, I don't even know why I cry... I feel like all my efforts are wasted. I was the one staying with him when he underwent his difficult project.. I helped him with other stuffs during his absence, I gave him heartfelt letter, I gave him gifts. I put his needs over mine (and this is probably the biggest mistake I made). He never had any thought of giving me anything at all. Even though last time I visited him in person, he didn't give me anything I could at least bring back as a memento of him.... Even a simple reply for my letter would make me happy, you know. It's not about the value, it's the thought that counts. But he never did. Meanwhile, he generously gave X expensive games as gift without any reason. I feel he doesn't value me. This might make sound like someone who ask something in return, but......  

2. Even though I mentioned we spend most of our free times together, I feel like we don't know each other at all. We only talk about trivial stuffs, game stuffs, and whenever there's silence, he fill it with I love you-s that sometimes I feel he only says it to avoid silence.

3. I honestly don't know how to approach things when our four-week break agreement ends. If he ends up disappearing without notice like last time again, I promise I would not even try to contact him anymore and just let him go. I felt like I did a mistake when I suggested taking longer break, when I should have firmly ended things right then.... 

I want our relationship to go back as it was before. I really do. But I know it won't be possible at this point..... And it breaks me. We hurt each other. He hurt me. Maybe I feel like this just because there's a sudden void when we decide to go NC and I desperately want to fix it.... I'm feeling anxious. I lost one circle of friends, I lost someone I considered as my little bro..... Even I start feeling that I lost myself.

This is not the first time I experience a heartbreak, I know it would eventually heal, but it hurts everytime....

[schlumpy]

When feelings kick in - reason goes out the window.

I have to agree that your relationship won't go anywhere. There is lack of romantic balance because of your age and experience where he is still evolving and learning. Are you his first love?

It still doesn't hurt any less but I think you should end it or attempt to step back to a friendship level if that is possible. In another four or five years he will be a different person.

I understand the reaction from the gaming group. Gamers can be intense people and a romance can be distracting and make people uncomfortable.

Compare it to an office romance where everyone has to look the other way as the two love birds exchange sparks. It disrupts the work environment. It's better to keep your romantic interests apart from your group activities. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't see the purpose of a 4-week break at this point, if I'm being honest. 

You already know, deep-down, that this isn't going anywhere. It's a relationship mostly built on digital communication and the logistics and age difference (at your respective ages) complicate matters even further. 4 weeks isn't going to change any of that. 

For your own good, it would be best to cut ties now. Date locally so you can develop a true relationship with someone you can meet in-person frequently. These online relationships almost always have an expiration date since real life is too dynamic and interesting compared to something digital and long-distance. It's just not sustainable and you've arrived at your expiration date. 

[canolahoney]

14 hours ago, schlumpy said:

When feelings kick in - reason goes out the window.

I have to agree that your relationship won't go anywhere. There is lack of romantic balance because of your age and experience where he is still evolving and learning. Are you his first love?

It still doesn't hurt any less but I think you should end it or attempt to step back to a friendship level if that is possible. In another four or five years he will be a different person.

I understand the reaction from the gaming group. Gamers can be intense people and a romance can be distracting and make people uncomfortable.

Compare it to an office romance where everyone has to look the other way as the two love birds exchange sparks. It disrupts the work environment. It's better to keep your romantic interests apart from your group activities. 

Hi schlumpy, thank you for your reply.

Yeah I agree with you.. I also think that the age gap plays a big role here, which affects the life experience we have at this moment. He did say that I am his first love... That's why I always try to understand that he's still immature with his words and action, try to keep him from hurting. But turns out I can't always understand his immaturity... I got hurt and fed up in the end. I used to date older men before this, and never started a relationship virtually before, so I am actually a bit lost too in handling this relationship.

It does hurt a lot. I also never expected I would invest my feeling this hard on him, lol.. 

But yeah, I might try ending this relationship for good. I doubt I can stay friends with him at least for now, because it might prolong the time I need to heal. 

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see the purpose of a 4-week break at this point, if I'm being honest. 

You already know, deep-down, that this isn't going anywhere. It's a relationship mostly built on digital communication and the logistics and age difference (at your respective ages) complicate matters even further. 4 weeks isn't going to change any of that. 

For your own good, it would be best to cut ties now. Date locally so you can develop a true relationship with someone you can meet in-person frequently. These online relationships almost always have an expiration date since real life is too dynamic and interesting compared to something digital and long-distance. It's just not sustainable and you've arrived at your expiration date. 

Hi ExpatInItaly!

Yeah.. I also kind of regretted suggesting another 4 weeks of break; now that I think of it, it's just me trying to prolong time of uncertainties when the end result is already certain

And true. Maybe deep down I already know that this relationship wouldn't go far. Maybe that's why I got easily ticked off at the smallest immaturity he did; because for some reason I got the urge to end this relationship, but also don't want to be the bad person who ends it. But in the end, I do.... 

I got your point too related to online relationships; I feel it since this one is my first, can't say I would do it again in the future if possible 😅 Sad but true, it has some kind of expiration date. Once the flame dies down, it's getting stale.. And getting more difficult since we cannot meet each other.

For now I will try to cope.. I still feel heartbroken and dejected, but I understand this needs to be done...

Any tips for coping up? The pandemic makes it difficult tbh I used to go treat myself nice food after a heartbreak, but now of course I cannot do this. And having too much time on my hand due to quarantine doesn't help either, as I end up thinking too much.

[TeddyBundy1993]

That kid is immature and you cant blame him at all. He is at that age. This wont work at all. Both of yours lives will go in different direction when you'll be in prime age of breeding he will want to go out and enjoy.  Just list down negatives like this and it will get easy for you. 

I am not against long distance but it comes with their own challenges. I have seen many working in my life although my Long distance failed. Grieve about this relationship since you have feelings invested and move on. Yes cut contact atleast for now heal properly feel normal again and you'll be fine