Husband had an affair whilst I was pregnant

[TrudyK]

am looking for some advice and opinions on what people think I should do.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years. I gave birth to our first child in February this year and in March my husband told me that he had been having an affair for the last 4 months - this means the affair was whilst I was pregnant and during the first month of our daughters life. He told me that he was in love with the other woman and that they had spent the last 4 months planning their future together and that he wanted to leave me to be with her. The affair sounded pretty intense and he told me everything about it - all the times he had lied about where he was but was actually with her, the messages about how much they loved each other and also how they spent ages planning their future together.

I don’t think I processed this properly because I just didn’t want to accept it was true and looking back I think I was in denial as the night that he told me he wanted to leave me we talked and he ended up staying.

We carried on and acted like nothing had happened but the other woman had left her husband for him and as a result she had been left with nothing.

The next couple of months my husband kept saying he wasn’t sure if he had done the right thing and didn’t know if he wanted to stay with me. He said he also loved the other woman as well as me and didn’t know what to do. He did this a number of times but each time came back to me to say he wanted to make things work. He did this for the final time a couple of weeks ago and said he loved me and wanted to be with me.

We have been having couples counselling but I have found out that during those months when he was undecided and taking time to think about what he wanted - he was still speaking to her every day telling her the same thing as me. Telling her he was in love with her and didn’t know what to do. I have also found out that during that time he was meeting her and having sex with her!

He has been honest about all of this and told me everything - he has even told me that he is still in love with the other woman but he thinks it’s a different kind of love. He said he wants to get over her so has cut all contact with her.

Am I being too weak staying with him? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I find myself constantly worrying that he is still talking to her and meeting up with her and I don’t know if that will ever go away?

He has been honest about everything and some of the things he has told me have been incredibly hard to hear and painful but I see that as proof that he is now being honest.

What would you do in my situation?

Am I still in denial and taking him back too quickly because I just want life to go back to normal? And what is best for our daughter. I love him and want to have a family together but I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through something similar and how did it end for you? Is there anything you would do differently in hindsight?

Edited May 4, 2020 by TrudyK

[preraph]

I mean, it doesn't get any lower than cheating on your wife when she's pregnant.  Pond scum would be a step up from this guy in quality and substance.  Once you stay with them after they cheat, they know you will stay with them no matter how they're treating you.  You kept him after he cheated while you were carrying his baby.  You're stuck with him now until the child is grown but don't you think you'd be better off getting an attorney and making him take joint custody once the baby is old enough and having him pay you child support than having this level of betrayal under your roof?  Taking care of a child will slow him down quite a bit, and I bet he doesn't want to, but you should insist he takes joint custody or else you won't be able to work and have a job and have time to relax three and a half days a week and your life will be frantic and unmanageable.  He should have to compromise on everything to take care of his child half the time same as you or you are really getting taken advantage of.  

 

Sorry this happened to you.  I understand you were too overwhelmed with being pregnant and a new baby to react like you might otherwise have.   

 

 

[Crazelnut]

Yes, you're being too weak. How can you stand to live with a man who loves another woman?? File for divorce and child support.

[schlumpy]

It's not weak within in the context of if that's what you've decided you want and can live with. I understand the pressure involved a baby. You didn't indicate if you were a stay at home mom or you worked. So, maybe you have to find a job while being a single mother. I also would want it to all go away too.

If you do take him back with no consequences the likelihood that this behavior will repeat itself in the future is quite high. Your future with him will be highlighted by question marks. Where were you? Why did it take so long? You will want him to account for every detail.

You need to close the door on the marriage and he has to bust it down if he wants to be married to you. It's the only way you can be somewhat sure about anything he thinks or says. It's his actions now that count and should tell everything you need to know about future with him.

 

 

[pepperbird]

I can't tell you what to do. I can only tell you what I think I would do.
I wouldn't stay with him. A  man who can cheat on the woman carrying his child and potentially put her and the baby at risk is not one I could ever trust. He not only betrayed you, he betrayed his child.
I don't think I could ever trust him. Never. He couldn't even respect you enough to keep Mr. Happy under wraps while you were pregnant with his baby. How he could do that, and how his OW could get involved with him is something i will never understand. They both sound like real pieces of work.

[mark clemson]

I definitely think there's little point in reconciliation if he's not willing to change herself internally and remain fully loyal. This contact, sex, and "future faking" with OW during your "reconciliation" suggests that he's far from that and seriously conflicted or chasing the addictive "high" he gets from her. I think THAT'S something to go over deeply in your therapy/MC sessions. If he gets to use "well I'm just hooked on her" as an excuse, then it'll be the same excuse in 2 years when he needs his fix again, etc. What about what's fair to you?

"Never look a gift horse in the mouth." I think he is FAR from a gift right now and you seriously need to check his teeth. In other words, even though he's apparently made his decision (after flipping back and forth a few times), I think he's probably pretty far psychologically/ethically from being good husband material for you unfortunately.

[elaine567]

Go spend some time on the OW part of the forum.
Your situation is not that uncommon.
The "confused" MM playing two women off against each other.
Telling them both what they want to hear...

[heartwhole2]

Goodness, I'm so sorry. The birth of your first child should be a special time. You're probably not sleeping properly yet, you're exhausted, and you're dealing with this on top of everything.

I can understand wanting to see if the marriage is salvageable for your baby's sake, but I would encourage you to view this time as a trial to see if your husband can become the man he should have been all along. That means things never "go back to normal" because he needs to grow into a better man than he was back then. He should be going to counseling on his own and should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair.

I would also encourage you to detach as much as possible from him. When he has proven himself safe, you can always let him back into your heart. But sitting around being an option when you've just given birth to his child is not good for your self-esteem. He's damn lucky to have you and even if he doesn't realize it, you should. 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

3 hours ago, TrudyK said:

What would you do in my situation?

Am I still in denial and taking him back too quickly because I just want life to go back to normal? And what is best for our daughter. I love him and want to have a family together but I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through something similar and how did it end for you? Is there anything you would do differently in hindsight?

What a sh sandwich your husband served up for you. What's the quote?: "It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one". Don't make any decision solely based on your daughter. I know it's instinct to protect and sacrifice for your children, but don't stay in this marriage.

Your life will never be "back to normal". That is gone. You love the idea of him. You're still in trauma and shock. This will take some time to sink in: he's not who you think he is.

In hindsight, if I knew then what I know now, I would've walked and never looked back. That's what you should do.

[MilaVaneela]

Hi Trudy. 
 

I was in your situation at the end of my marriage. My xH had an affair while I was pregnant too... he got an STD from his OW and gave it to me, I had a miscarriage as a result. That was the last straw and I didn’t stay with him, but had I not lost the baby? I don’t know. I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have even before that. It’s tough and I can understand why you might hesitate to leave with a new baby in the mix. 
 

That said, if he is still playing games, messing around with the OW... is this behavior something you think you could handle long term? Sometimes “staying for the kids” causes more problems for both you and them than ending a bad marriage. Do you have a good support network apart from your wayward husband? 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

5 hours ago, TrudyK said:

am looking for some advice and opinions on what people think I should do.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years. I gave birth to our first child in February this year and in March my husband told me that he had been having an affair for the last 4 months - this means the affair was whilst I was pregnant and during the first month of our daughters life. He told me that he was in love with the other woman and that they had spent the last 4 months planning their future together and that he wanted to leave me to be with her. The affair sounded pretty intense and he told me everything about it - all the times he had lied about where he was but was actually with her, the messages about how much they loved each other and also how they spent ages planning their future together.

I don’t think I processed this properly because I just didn’t want to accept it was true and looking back I think I was in denial as the night that he told me he wanted to leave me we talked and he ended up staying.

We carried on and acted like nothing had happened but the other woman had left her husband for him and as a result she had been left with nothing.

The next couple of months my husband kept saying he wasn’t sure if he had done the right thing and didn’t know if he wanted to stay with me. He said he also loved the other woman as well as me and didn’t know what to do. He did this a number of times but each time came back to me to say he wanted to make things work. He did this for the final time a couple of weeks ago and said he loved me and wanted to be with me.

We have been having couples counselling but I have found out that during those months when he was undecided and taking time to think about what he wanted - he was still speaking to her every day telling her the same thing as me. Telling her he was in love with her and didn’t know what to do. I have also found out that during that time he was meeting her and having sex with her!

He has been honest about all of this and told me everything - he has even told me that he is still in love with the other woman but he thinks it’s a different kind of love. He said he wants to get over her so has cut all contact with her.

Am I being too weak staying with him? Will I ever be able to trust him again? I find myself constantly worrying that he is still talking to her and meeting up with her and I don’t know if that will ever go away?

He has been honest about everything and some of the things he has told me have been incredibly hard to hear and painful but I see that as proof that he is now being honest.

What would you do in my situation?

Am I still in denial and taking him back too quickly because I just want life to go back to normal? And what is best for our daughter. I love him and want to have a family together but I just don’t know what to do.

Has anyone been through something similar and how did it end for you? Is there anything you would do differently in hindsight?

 

Gosh, this is such a unique presentation.

 

The best guess I can venture as to his psychology with regard to all of this...

is that husband doesn't quite have the guts to envision himself initiating  a break-up with his wife shortly after she delivered their first child together...

 

SO the purpose of all of this honesty is to inspire YOU to initiate the break-up so he doesn't have to...   (clarity: he may not consciously KNOW that to be his intention)

 

If you were merely a hip, happening single girl about town... and this was your boyfriend  doing all that he confessed to, you would likely dump him like a hot rock.

 

The fact that he is your long-enough-time husband is a weighing factor, and I suspect that first-ever kid is another weighing factor  (which keeps you from reflexively dumping him).

 

Lots of people here will just say   DTMFA...  (and they probably aren't wrong)    but his seeming capability for honesty  (is so unusual in these situations that it surprises me)

 

I'm sticking with my first guess up there, and I'm very tentative with any impulses about your best course of action.

 

 

Edited May 4, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. He has taken the joy from you, during what should be the most wonderful time of your life. 

That said, I would have no tolerance for a man who cheats on his pregnant/post natal wife. He doesn’t get to decide my future, I wouldn’t be waiting around for this man to decide who he wants to be with - particularly not if he is still talking with and having sex with the other woman. He has tried to play both sides against the middle, and that’s not fair. If he was having difficulty making a decision, I would make it for him. The only thing I would want from him is child support. 
 

Edited May 4, 2020 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

If you want to get off this roller coaster just let him go.  This will somewhat force him to make a choice/decision.  You say you want things to go back to normal but that isn't going to happen.  He will still see her and you will end up driving yourself crazy with suspicion and fear.  That is no way to live especially with a child.  Have you told his parents and yours?

[sandylee1]

There's no way I would stay with a man like him....the trust is gone...he's in love with another woman and he's unreliable. 

He's not husband material. 

[Buffer]

He is a pig 🐷. Sorry about that.

Please get tested for STDs, there was no safe sex here. Also seek legal advice about what are your rights and his obligations are. Better to get full information so to fully understand where you are at.

You need to know your emotional roller coaster you are in will be very difficult. You will hate the very sight of him and then will need him next to you. Take your time in making long term decisions. He has to be fully remorseful in what he has done and the pain he has caused. He has to own this, nothing was or is on you or the baby, he made this. 
AP has left her husband, she may be in the background, trust your subconscious if you think something is off, trust it.

Get him to write out a full A time line, all meetings and hook ups, also in this the emotional side, his thoughts, feelings and how he justified to himself that what his deliberate actions were acceptable to him. This wasn’t a mistake but thought out process. If the PA was four month long then the emotional side was similar around four to six months before the physical side commenced. It wasn’t a extended drunken One Night Stand.
You will rightfully have no trust in this betrayal, get full access to his electronic social media, messaging, Snapchat etc. He deletes nothing. If there is any contact, he moves out! If you can do the R, get a post nup weighted in your favour re infidelity again.

Cyber 🤗 hugs
One day at a time.

Buffer

Edited May 4, 2020 by Buffer
Spelling

[HadMeOverABarrel]

5 hours ago, Buffer said:

He is a pig 🐷. Sorry about that.

This is outstanding! Right to the point. 

Sorry OP, I see more broken heartedness 💔 in your future if you stay, plus your self-esteem will be even more eroded as time goes by. Get out now while you're strongest. Rip the band-aid off. After you've fully healed from this betrayal, you will be able to find a man who will be both a good husband and father to your child.

[S2B]

If he doesn’t stop ALL contact with her right now you divorce him ASAP - and take him for everything you can!

what a piece of crap! He doesn’t deserve you even considering being decent to him!

get a backbone and stand up for yourself! NEVER should you beg any man to love you the right way!

Edited May 5, 2020 by S2B

[IndigoNight]

Cheating on a pregnant spouse is bad enough, but to actually fall in love with another woman, and returning home to the woman who is about to give birth , there are no words; at least nothing that can be said in polite company.

TrudyK, what is your support network right now? Do you have close friends or family that can step in to help you, and your baby? If you do might I suggest that your husband's a$$ meet the curb, at least for now. It would be  in your best interest, and that of your child, to focus solely on yourself. Who cares what he wants right now. He has already shown you how selfish he can really be.The ONLY person he was thinking about during his affair was himself. 

If you lack a support network, is it because you do not live close enough to your family/friends for them to help, or do you not have an extended social network? If that is the case, then unfortunately you will need to tread lightly as you figure out what it is that you want to happen, I do not say tread lightly because of anything he might do, but because you're under enough stress, and this is a difficult situation to navigate.

TrudyK, what do you want to happen? Do you think that you can forgive him for what he has done, and is likely still doing? Are you willing to put yourself through the pain for however long it takes to repair your marriage; if it can even be done? Or, would you rather end things, but may not know how to because your time is consumed by taking care of your new little person? As much as you possibly can, get help from people outside of your marriage , so that you do not become so overwhelmed that your child doesn't come first.

If it were me, I think one of the biggest red flags is how brutally honest he seems to feel like he needs to be. Someone mentioned that he is doing it so you will get fed up and dump his cheating a$$. I agree. He is coming WAY to clean without being confronted about hid actions. The only times my exH came clean without being grilled for information, or backed into a corner, was when he was lashing out, and trying to hurt me. Do you think this might be along the lines of something your husband might do Trudy? 

TrudyK, I hope that you are in IC, and getting the support that you need. Once you are comfortable,  and feel in control of your situation, you could then consider MC. Personally, I couldn't let my H touch me if I knew he was still screwing another woman. Please, value yourself enough to know that you have nothing to apologize for. The only person at fault in your marriage for his infidelity is him.

You are not alone in how you are feeling. Plenty of people, on this website alone, can understand the hurt, anger, confusion, heartbreak, rage, and any other emotions going through your mind because of the choices your husband has made.  

 

[ItsAllConfusing]

After reading this I just wanted to cry. I want you to realize your self worth. This is your husband you shouldn't sit around and have a conversation with him about whether he wants to stay with you or leave you for another woman. Absolutely not. 

He cheated on you while married and while you were pregnant. It's not just sex he had. He's having an emotional affair too.

You are worth more than this crap. I know you've been with this man for so long but it's ok to leave. You can and you will find someone to love you again if that's what you want.

My advice is leave him. It will be a new journey for you but it's needed. You can do this. You just coparent with him and remain civil and work on healing yourself. 

I'm sorry this happened to you. You seem like a sweet woman. I dont think you're weak either. 

[preraph]

When you do joint custody, don't let him say "only weekends" or anything like that.  The traditional split is both parties have the child 3 1/2 days of the week so that each have one weekend day and 2 1/2 weekdays and that way both parties have the same responsibility to make arrangements with their employers or whatever.  Too many wives agree to them doing weekends only but that won't help the wife to maintain a job.  

[stillafool]

This thread is kinda outdated I saw her post on another thread where she doesn't want to /or isn't leaving him.

Edited May 10, 2020 by stillafool