Covid, Distance, resentment in my relationship

[healthyhopes]

I typed up a huge post. But I feel bad posting it because I don't like the idea of spreading dirty laundry so I made it shorter. 
The gist is this. When the COVID news broke I had the choice of staying on my college campus and going home. After some deliberation, I chose, with a heavy heart, to move home and stay there for a bit. The reason I chose to do this was because my boyfriend doubted the severity of the virus, his roommates were all traveling for spring break (one to another country, others to other states), my own roommate was working at a nursing home and is dating a guy who has lots of roommates, most of which traveled recently as well.  Additionally, most individuals mentioned were (and currently are) in a relationship and actively planning on seeing their partners. To me, this meant that if by chance one person got sick, everyone along this chain would get sick as well. I told this to him and drew out a chart and he said it was unnecessary and didn’t understand and didn’t really look at it. Additionally, I am terrified of diseases and I just felt it would get bad. Lastly, although my hometown is a hotspot, I thought it would be less dangerous because I would be forcibly isolated; if I stayed in the collegetown, I would still be seeing people. Some people in my college town are still hanging out, having parties, et cetera.

My boyfriend was very kind and understanding and said he would love me no matter what. I told him I would be back in 2 weeks. I begged him to move back to his home town for at least a bit before his roommates returned from vacation and he said he is staying on campus and that I am just being a downer and mentally willing that he gets sick. After being told off like this a number of times I stopped suggesting it. 

My two weeks have turned into two months. My parents do not want me to go back and they think it is very dangerous as very few people on my college town are really socially distancing. There was also an anti-lockdown protest with thousands of attendees very close to my apartment recently. Also, about a week ago, my roommate found a dead body in front of our house. We think it was a suicide attempt (there was a gun at his feet) but we aren't sure and it’s still scary.

My boyfriend has become increasingly upset with me. I know he misses me but I feel like he is pulling my arm very tightly and I am becoming resentful. He feels like I abandoned him but I am just afraid of dying and seeing him die. I just can't argue about this or talk about it with him because he thinks I am over-exaggerating and that this is not a big deal. He thinks the news is also just fear mongering and slanted. I trust the news. I watch it all. Even the press conferences with the dumb idiot president that HE voted for. My boyfriend says that we won't die or get sick. I don't think his roommates are socially distancing but I am not sure. I made plans to come back next week and I am coming back next week but I am very nervous and am resentful of how irritated he has been towards me during this time, despite the fact that I know he is only irritated because he loves and misses me. He is very upset and misses me horribly and it's impacting his mental health. His horrible friend (sexist, racist, generally annoying and lacking in empathy, etc) keeps telling him that I left because I don't love him and now he asks me if I really love him and why I left if I love him. And then I tell him that I do love him and that it feels like he is guilt-tripping me and he gets irritated again. Then I think that I'm the bad guy because I left and caused this huge rift in our previously smooth relationship and hurt him like this. I just feel like he isn't trusting the judgement of experts (he says they can't be trusted and it's all just educated guesses) or even my judgement. But then I think I'm not being open-minded. I don't know. I really am excited to see him and be with him again because I really do love him but I just feel like this sets a precedent that if he is angry or upset enough I will bow down and go with what he wants and that my opinions or thoughts don't matter. I guess discussions should happen though, if people are upset. I don't know. I do want to be with him and I miss him a lot but I just feel very uncomfortable about everything. I know it probably won't happen because I'm young but I don't want to die. And I don't want to watch anyone else die either. 

I wrote a lot more but I don't want to be mean or spread dirty laundry. He really is sweet and bright and kind. This is just a current issue that we are having.
Thank you for listing to me. I just really needed to vent. 

[preraph]

The reality is he is immature and like a lot of young people, takes unnecessary chances because he feels invincible and also because men in groups always try to act macho and like nothing scares them.  But all this protesting and herding together is so STUPID and unfair to everyone in the community and unfair to the health workers.  I can't expect young people to be any smarter, but all I can do is tell you that you are doing the right thing not exposing yourself and then spreading the virus to others like they are doing.  Just tell him you have no choice.  Blame it on your parents.  He's probably already hooked up with some other girls by now at his age.  If he's irresponsible, I realize you can still have fun with him, but not right now, and he is not a keeper at this point.  Stay put.  

[BaileyB]

There is no doubt, I would be staying home and not going back to the school community anytime soon... 

Trust your instinct. If it doesn’t feel good, it’s not the right decision for you.

You are young, so it’s difficult to look at life with the same perspective that some of us hmm... older posters have gained through time and experience. Trust me when I say, a man who loves you will support you and want you to be safe and happy. If he is pressuring you to do something that makes you uncomfortable and feel unsafe, that is not love. Furthermore, relationships will come and go in your life. If this man decided tomorrow to move on to another relationship... you will be ok. You will find another man - dare I say it, a better relationship - in the future.

Your primary responsibility right now is to keep yourself safe and healthy, and protect the health and safety of others. It’s not the time to make decisions that make you uncomfortable to appease your boyfriend.  Do whatever you need to do to make that happen. Best wishes. 

Edited May 4, 2020 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

 Like many young people your BF thinks he's immortal or it won't affect him.  He's probably correct in assuming that if he gets sick it won't be fatal.  That said if he truly loved you he would not suggest that you risk your health to be with him.  

Think of it this way, if you knew your BF had unprotected sex with an HIV positive person would you ever have sex with him again without a condom?  I would hope not, at least not until after he passed 2 STD tests 6 months apart. 

If he dumps you because you won't come back to your college town. all you lost was a selfish guy who never really cared about you.  Hardly a loss.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Then I think that I'm the bad guy because I left and caused this huge rift in our previously smooth relationship and hurt him like this. I just feel like he isn't trusting the judgement of experts (he says they can't be trusted and it's all just educated guesses) or even my judgement.

This is where you want to step into adulthood. A mature adult doesn't accept the bad person label from anyone--unless there is serious crime, violence involved. You made a sane and prudent decision. Your bf is apparently minimizing the virus. He thinks the whole world went on quarantine out of mindless panic? He should look up the Spanish flu of 1918, which devastated my city and claimed between 50 million and 65 million lives and which came in waves ... 

You are your own boss. There is no such thing as letting him guilt you. That means you are not standing up for yourself. You don't let someone make you feel guilty when they are trying to get you to do something outside your zone of safety and comfort. Maybe you're being too polite with him. I wonder if you're allowing him to badger you and you in response are being really polite. No, you need to probably push back. "I don't want to talk about this." Instead of absorbing his criticism, why are you disappointed in him for being reckless? ... and for not supporting you through this hard time? 

Sometimes it pays to get angry ... anger (though of course it has to be controlled) is a way to tell others a loud, "NO!" And if you're apologizing, you are not standing up for yourself and saying "no." BTW: his behavior indicates some serious immaturity ... not just his decision not to go home, but his subsequent criticism of you. That's a major major red flag. He's not respecting you. And I'm sorry you're seeing this right now, but you might have averted your eyes from this side of him in the past. I wonder.

You cannot convince him. You don't owe him a convincing. Don't try to convince him. Say, "this is what I've decided. PERIOD! Let's talk about something else."