I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[thomas131313]

Hey everyone this is kind of a crazy long story but pretty much i need some suggestions and ill sum it up as best as i can. i met this girl online like 4 months ago with pictures that werent me and she has literally fallen in love with me i talk to her everyday over phone for like 8 hours and she goes on cam and sends me pictures and videos all the time. we talk about our love for eachother all the time and like shes truly in love with me even tho i havent met her. shes told her family about me her friends everything and after a couple months of this i started to actually feel bad cause im not the guy in the pictures. whats funny is me and her have so many similarities and we really have such a strong connection and like she has told me literally everything about her life and her past shes even showed me pictures of all the guys shes been with before me and stuff. i know literally everything about her and ive had to keep her out and make all these random excuses to not meet with her yet or be with her but she literally cries and sobs to me everyday and gets mad. shes also putting more pressure on me now to meet with her and honestly i feel like she could maybe wait for years. also wants to get married and talks about me buying her a ring all the time and our kids and everything like she truly truly loves me its crazy.

 

 i dont know what to do its coming up to 4 months of doing this with her and like obviously i do like her shes cool cool and stuff like i dont want to like not talk to her anymore so im looking for suggestions. shes pretty hot too big tits pretty decent face shes like a 6.5 maybe a 7 some times she looks beautiful it depends.

 

 also to make matters interesting she said to me like a month ago that even if i showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random she would still want to be with me cause of the emotional connection we have and everything she pretty much said while she thinks im hot its not the reason she loves me its just a bonus.

 

 honestly i dont know what to do lol this situation is kinda screwed it seems like i have a few options.

 

 1. i keep making her wait and talking to her cause i do enjoy talking to her. 

 

 2. i tell her i dont want to be with her since i feel bad about the situation and literally break her heart shes even said to me so many times she needs me and i own her and like she doesnt want to lose me and so much stuff.

 

 3. i take her up on her offer and meet up with her with who i actually am and see what she does lol this seems crazy but like shes the one who said it and besides this i dont know what other otptions there are. the problem with doing option number 2 is that at this point no matter what i do unless its being with her its going to break her heart and ruin her life and shes like going to love me forever but like at the same time making her wait longer and never meeting with her could be even worse.

 

 recently she really wants more insight on when im going to be with her but she did say that stuff early on too like the first couple months. she said as of right now she doesnt know if its going to be 1 day or 1 year so its hard to mentalize and accept it and she said it would really help her if i gave her a real timeframe lol and she said its hard to accept with everyday that passes thinking it might or wont happen. she said shes not walking away from me but its hard to only have a fraction of me and it hurts her heart at times. 

she has even said that she wouldnt be able to move on from me so many times and marry someone else and stuff with how she feels about me and how much she loves me shes even said that she would rather if things didnt work out still be my friend instead of losing me forever and s***. she said she wouldnt be able to do that to anyone it would almost be like a lie if she married someone else and that everyone deserved to be loved fully and that she doesnt think she could love anyone fully after me

what should i do? thanks guys

[Steph92]

Hi thomas131313,

So what is it that's holding you back from showing her your real photos? And she doesn't find it suspicious that you never video chat with her yourself?

I think the correct option is neither of these, don't just show up.... whether you want to be with her or end it, you need to let her know that those pictures aren't you.

Steph92

 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP,  there are several problems with this situation. You not being honest about your appearance is one of them, but not the only one. 

Most mature, rational adults would not build their lives around someone they have never met. Her asking for a ring and stating that you "own" her is a sign of trouble. She has become emotionally dependent on a stranger. I realize you have been talking for 4 months, but you don't have any idea if you'd have chemistry in person or be truly compatible as a couple in real life. The fact that she's pinning all her hopes on a guy who she has never laid eyes on offline is concerning, and suggests someone who is not the most emotionally-developed and you're likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg there. I find that troubling; don't you? 

Now to the matter of your dishonesty. What's up with that? Why use someone else's photos? You had to know that wasn't going to end well. I agree that Steph that none of the courses of action you're pondering are the right thing to do. Man up and tell her that you used someone else's pictures, and let her decide if she wants to proceed. My guess is that she already knows you're lying about something, given that she said this: "she said to me like a month ago that even if i showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random she would still want to be with me." She's already on to you, dude.  Don't just show up under false pretenses and shock her. That could go really badly. I know she says she would still want to be with you, but you cannot be sure that would actually happen. 

For reference, how old are you both? 

[thomas131313]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP,  there are several problems with this situation. You not being honest about your appearance is one of them, but not the only one. 

Most mature, rational adults would not build their lives around someone they have never met. Her asking for a ring and stating that you "own" her is a sign of trouble. She has become emotionally dependent on a stranger. I realize you have been talking for 4 months, but you don't have any idea if you'd have chemistry in person or be truly compatible as a couple in real life. The fact that she's pinning all her hopes on a guy who she has never laid eyes on offline is concerning, and suggests someone who is not the most emotionally-developed and you're likely only seeing the tip of the iceberg there. I find that troubling; don't you? 

Now to the matter of your dishonesty. What's up with that? Why use someone else's photos? You had to know that wasn't going to end well. I agree that Steph that none of the courses of action you're pondering are the right thing to do. Man up and tell her that you used someone else's pictures, and let her decide if she wants to proceed. My guess is that she already knows you're lying about something, given that she said this: "she said to me like a month ago that even if i showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random she would still want to be with me." She's already on to you, dude.  Don't just show up under false pretenses and shock her. That could go really badly. I know she says she would still want to be with you, but you cannot be sure that would actually happen. 

For reference, how old are you both? 

Hey thanks for the reply. She did mention initially after the first few weeks of talking or month or so that we wouldn't know if we would have chemistry in person and so on. but we just kept talking and as things evolved even over the phone ,it went past that I guess. I did find this situation of course strange and I have thought about what your talking about and I am aware she has some issues going on for her to be in this situation. She spent the entire day crying today about how she hates this situation so much and shes so angry but she doesnt want to lose me, and losing me would be worse than this situation as it is right now. She did say pretty early on within the first month or so that she doesn't want to get attached, and that she doesn't want to fall in love over a phone and so on. I had no intention of this at all it just kind of happened. I was experimenting with others photos and didn't think anything like this would come of it. We do have a real genuine connection but as you said there's probably things I haven't seen about her.  I'm in my early 30s and shes 27. When you say you dont think shes emotionally developed, what are you implying? I do of course agree that there must be something going on for her to be in this situation. Would be curious to hear your thoughts. Thanks

[d0nnivain]

The longer you let this go on the worse you make it.  You LIE to her & play with her emotions daily.  That makes you a cruel person.  I don't think you set out to do that but this is now out of control & you have to stop perpetuating the harm.  

You caused this mess & unless you are a horrible person of the worst kind you will fix it TODAY.  Come clean.  Show her your pictures.  

I assume -- probably naively -- that when you talk you are more truthful so the connection she built has some basis.  She may be able to get past the way you look.  I couldn't get past the deceit but that is me.  She seems so desperate for any human connection that she will forgive you this & probably put up with more of your garbage like the fact that you only seem to care because she has large breasts.  The idea that you only find her marginally attractive otherwise (labeling her a 6.5 / 7) & objectifying her makes this so much more distasteful.  Ugh.  

I do not believe you can develop, build or sustain a connection with somebody through technology.  Because she has become so attached to somebody she doesn't know & hasn't seen, I have real questions about her maturity & stability but that is no reason to go on hurting her.  

Do the right thing.  Come clean.  Let her see you -- the real you.  If she wants to stay, thank your lucky stars that she's willing to try.  If she wants to walk, let her.  Never lie like this again to someone.  

[BaileyB]

Silly woman, she fell fall in love and planned her future with a man she has never even met - or seen a picture. Why people do this, I have no idea. 

You need to be honest with this woman. The longer you wait, the more of her time that you waste and you should feel really badly about this.

With any luck, she will come to her senses and she can then stop this silliness, the crying and future talk. It’s really immature, and not a wise thing to do. 

[thomas131313]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

The longer you let this go on the worse you make it.  You LIE to her & play with her emotions daily.  That makes you a cruel person.  I don't think you set out to do that but this is now out of control & you have to stop perpetuating the harm.  

You caused this mess & unless you are a horrible person of the worst kind you will fix it TODAY.  Come clean.  Show her your pictures.  

I assume -- probably naively -- that when you talk you are more truthful so the connection she built has some basis.  She may be able to get past the way you look.  I couldn't get past the deceit but that is me.  She seems so desperate for any human connection that she will forgive you this & probably put up with more of your garbage like the fact that you only seem to care because she has large breasts.  The idea that you only find her marginally attractive otherwise (labeling her a 6.5 / 7) & objectifying her makes this so much more distasteful.  Ugh.  

I do not believe you can develop, build or sustain a connection with somebody through technology.  Because she has become so attached to somebody she doesn't know & hasn't seen, I have real questions about her maturity & stability but that is no reason to go on hurting her.  

Do the right thing.  Come clean.  Let her see you -- the real you.  If she wants to stay, thank your lucky stars that she's willing to try.  If she wants to walk, let her.  Never lie like this again to someone.  

I don't fully agree that I caused this. I mean somewhat but this was her own choice. Like you said i didn't plan to do this. I do feel really bad about it the moral side of me does but the other side thinks well why did she do this to herself. I truly do feel bad about it but I don't know what to do honestly. Part of me wants to tell her the truth. I dont think its fair to judge me and call me a horrible person for this, I thought this was a joke at best, is it really my fault for how it played out? You are correct I have been truthful about alot of stuff. I just dont know what to do wow dont even know how im in a situation like this I do feel bad about it. Also I was just talking about how she looked which I dont think is out of line, i actually do like her as a person too. I really dont know what to do. You are calling me a horrible person so that I feel worse about it and come clean and tell her. I dont want to lose her either so if i do come clean and she doenst like how i look then i dont really want that either. Maybe I want more human connection too and maybe i dont want to lose this connection now I dont really know but thats not why this happened in the first place

[ExpatInItaly]

49 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

 I thought this was a joke at best, is it really my fault for how it played out? 

Well, in part, yes. 

She is unwise to attach herself to someone she has never met. There is no doubt about that. But, you are entirely responsible for your role in this mess too. You have willingly and continuously deceived her, and it's the reason you are dodging her attempts to get to know you now which is creating more distress for her. I don't see how you can absolve yourself of fault in that. The way I see it, you are both at fault here, for different reasons - you for pretending to be someone you are not, and her for not using common sense and not building a fantasy future with a stranger. 

You can't keep this up, in any case. The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be. You are far more likely to lose her over your lie than your looks. 

[preraph]

If she has a lick of sense in her brain, she WILL be mad at you when she finds out you've been lying to her and look nothing like the guy you're posing as.  You are catfishing her, and by doing that, you break people's hearts and, worse, waste their time.   The sooner you come clean and Facetime her, the better.  Stop wasting this girl's life.

Edited July 2, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Criticize the idea and not the person.

[thomas131313]

49 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You are far more likely to lose her over your lie than your looks. 

What makes you say that? The problem is I actually think I love her lol as much as anyone can in this situation so I cant even blame her for falling in love with me this way. I can either just tell her or show her who I am and hope she still wants to be with me, or maybe she will still want us in eachothers lives as good friends worst case. Or I tell her I have some disease and I cant be with her cause I can never give her what she wants like marriage and kids and stuff as that would be easier for her than just me saying I dont want to be with her. But she has said many times even if I couldnt have kids she would still want to be with me, or even if I had no legs and so on so its like theres no options here

[preraph]

She won't. Women don't like liars and it won't be the same in person because it never is.

[thomas131313]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

She won't. Women don't like liars and it won't be the same in person because it never is.

I mean shes already caught me on a couple lies mostly just about previous girls and where I lived and shes still here so she still wants to be with the guy in the pictures I guess.

[preraph]

Of course she wants to be with the guy in the pictures. she doesn't want to be with a liar who doesn't look as good as the guy in the pictures. 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

What makes you say that? The problem is I actually think I love her lol as much as anyone can in this situation so I cant even blame her for falling in love with me this way. I can either just tell her or show her who I am and hope she still wants to be with me, or maybe she will still want us in eachothers lives as good friends worst case. Or I tell her I have some disease and I cant be with her cause I can never give her what she wants like marriage and kids and stuff as that would be easier for her than just me saying I dont want to be with her.

Ah, so your answer for the mess you have created by lying is to... lie again. 

Yiu can’t blame her for falling in love this way... I would respectfully suggest that mature and intelligent people do not fall in love and plan a future with another person they have never met. This kind of stuff is usually a sign of immaturity or extreme loneliness/emotionally neediness.

As to the idea that she will end it because of the lie, rather than your looks... Women don’t like men who lie. Men don’t like women who lie. Your looks are rather inconsequential considering the fact that you have demonstrated you have some pretty HUGE character flaws - you are dishonest, manipulative, disrespectful, and untrustworthy. 

 

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

I mean shes already caught me on a couple lies mostly just about previous girls and where I lived and shes still here so she still wants to be with the guy in the pictures I guess.

This is the same woman who is crying her eyes out and telling you that she wants to be with you forever despite the fact that she has never met you... she’s not got the best judgment and she’s not making good decisions. Just saying...

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

Of course she wants to be with the guy in the pictures. she doesn't want to be with a liar who doesn't look as good as the guy in the pictures. 

Well ya but like I said she did say a couple times ' even if you showed up as somebody else I would still want to be with you ' and then she went on a 20 minute rant about emotional connection and what we have, so like I dunno its hard to really know at this point. Of course I dont really think shed still want to be with me if I wasnt the guy in the pictures BUT i dunno forsure with this girl like someone else said shes craving human connection and she has told me more than anyone else by far and has opened up with me like she never has and since i know so much about her i actually dont think she could just walk away in reality. i know too much, shes even said this to me that i know to much

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

What makes you say that? 

That you are more likely to lose her over your lie than your looks?

Because it speaks to a deeper character flaw that is much more serious than not being the most model-esque dude around. Not being conventionally attractive does not necessarily always hurt someone's chances, because people's perception of physical appeal is so unique to the individual. If you lead with sincerity, kindness and respect, you have much better chances even if you're not what you think most women would find attractive. 

Leading with dishonesty and disrespect can absolutely be a deal-breaker, though. It creates mistrust and suggests you're not mature enough to be yourself. That is very problematic when it comes to developing a relationship with someone and is more likely to get you cut out of her life. 

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

Well ya but like I said she did say a couple times ' even if you showed up as somebody else I would still want to be with you ' 

Neither you nor she has any idea if that assertion will hold up in real life. Those are words spoken in desperation that she cannot guarantee she will stand by. 

What is it that you so dislike about your own appearance, OP? 

 

[Steph92]

The fact that she has told you so much and you have let this go on and not told the truth especially while she has tried to push for the truth (she obviously smells a rat) is why she will move on if shes smart. What do YOU want? do you want a real face to face relationship with her? it doesn't seem that way when you are now considering telling her you have an awful disease.

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Neither you nor she has any idea if that assertion will hold up in real life. Those are words spoken in desperation that she cannot guarantee she will stand by. 

What is it that you so dislike about your own appearance, OP? 

 

True but she didnt say it in a moment of desperation. She wasnt sad or mad at the time. She said it just popped into her head when she was walking about how she loved me and that how i look wouldnt change it, and talked about it for awhile.  Well the thing is I dont look like the dude in the pictures so, men that are good looking have way more opportunities. This girl wouldnt have got to known me otherwise which is funny now to think back and see how she feels about me now

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, thomas131313 said:

This girl wouldnt have got to known me otherwise which is funny now to think back and see how she feels about me now

I don't see what's puzzling about that. You created a fantasy version of yourself that someone who apparently doesn't have much emotional maturity of her own fell for. 

What is your end goal with this woman? To get her so hooked on you emotionally that she can't possibly reject you when she learns the truth? She obviously knows something is off with you. And yes, she is desperately trying to reassure you so you will finally meet her in person. She might not have come across as desperate to you in that moment, but I promise you she's been grasping around at straws trying to find a way to get you to tell the truth. 

Have you had a girlfriend before?  

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

True but she didnt say it in a moment of desperation. She said it just popped into her head when she was walking about how she loved me and that how i look wouldnt change it, and talked about it for awhile. 

Ah, so she was speaking abstractly... “even when we are old and grey, when the hairs grow out of your nose and you can rest your beer on your belly... I wouldn’t change it, because I love you that much...” or perhaps “I would still love you even if you put on a little extra weight...”

That, is a true statement about love.

What she wasn’t saying... “I would still love you, even if you lied to me and misrepresented yourself as someone you are not.” That’s another kind of assumption to make entirely. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[thomas131313]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ah, so she was speaking abstractly... “even when we are old and grey, when the hairs grow out of your nose and you can rest your beer on your belly... I wouldn’t change it, because I love you that much...”

That, is a true statement about love.

What she wasn’t saying... “I would still love you, even if you lied to me and misrepresented yourself as someone you are not.” That’s another kind of assumption to make entirely. 

Maybe I misrepresented what she said. She said more than a few times ' even if you showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random i would still want to be with you '

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, thomas131313 said:

Maybe I misrepresented what she said. She said more than a few times ' even if you showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random i would still want to be with you '

My apology. I stand by my earlier statement that this woman is either playing you for something or very naive/has very poor judgment. 

Emotionally healthy, intelligent women do not do this. 

[thomas131313]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't see what's puzzling about that. You created a fantasy version of yourself that someone who apparently doesn't have much emotional maturity of her own fell for. 

What is your end goal with this woman? To get her so hooked on you emotionally that she can't possibly reject you when she learns the truth? She obviously knows something is off with you. And yes, she is desperately trying to reassure you so you will finally meet her in person. She might not have come across as desperate to you in that moment, but I promise you she's been grasping around at straws trying to find a way to get you to tell the truth. 

Have you had a girlfriend before?  

At this point I think shes already at that place emotionally but i dont know. I think thats what i need to ask my self is what my end goal is and i truly dont know. Your right i think theres a middle ground of she does really believe who I am but at the same time there are alot of other factors and she wants to know more. Its been awhile since i had a girl but like i havent ever connected this much emotionally with any girl before