I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[thomas131313]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

My apology. I stand by my earlier statement that this woman is either playing you for something or very naive/has very poor judgment. 

Emotionally healthy, intelligent women do not do this. 

I can tell you that she is not playing me, i mean she might be saying these things just to get me to meet her which would make sense but i dont know she has been pretty honest

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

 Its been awhile since i had a girl but like i havent ever connected this much emotionally with any girl before

This is part of the problem. You don't seem to have a solid grasp on what a healthy emotional connection is, exactly. It's not possible when that connection is built on false pretenses. 

It's what's inside that counts, but Thomas, lying like this is part of what's inside you. It indicates you don't have mature relationship skills or a healthy sense of self. It demonstrates that you will behave deceptively to get what you want. What you have with this girl is not a genuine emotional bond, because you're selling something different than what she's actually buying into. 

You also have no clue if she's being honest with you, either. If you can lie about something significant, she easily could too. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is part of the problem. You don't seem to have a solid grasp on what a healthy emotional connection is, exactly. It's not possible when that connection is built on false pretenses. 

It's what's inside that counts, but Thomas, lying like this is part of what's inside you. It indicates you don't have mature relationship skills or a healthy sense of self. It demonstrates that you will behave deceptively to get what you want. What you have with this girl is not a genuine emotional bond, because you're selling something different than what she's actually buying into. 

Everything I have told her is the truth pretty much except for who i am and a couple other smaller things. Ive rundown my entire family and everything so i dont fully agree. its not that its part of me, but if I hadnt of lied about who i am then she wouldnt have been interested in me. Ive sold her who i am differently, but she knows the insides of my soul like I think its atleast somewhat genuine. i told her about my life and most of it has been the truth. Why cant it be said that we could fall in love with eachother based on things about our insides even if our outsides are different than what we thought? is this totally off base? my appearance has been a false pretense which is of course a big factor, but not much else. a healthy emotional connection isint based on looks that much correct me if im wrong. i actually feel so bad about this cause this girl obviously has mental issues and i probably do too but shes not going to end up with the guy she thought she was going too and this might ruin her life

[ExpatInItaly]

19 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

Why cant it be said that we could fall in love with eachother based on things about our insides even if our outsides are different than what we thought? is this totally off base?

I've already answered this, but it's because lying says a lot about your overall character. It says a lot about what's inside you, your moral compass, your respect for the truth, your respect for the other person, where you prioritize honesty, and so on. 

You seem to have very little comprehension about the fact that the lie you've been living isn't just about your looks. 

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

Everything I have told her is the truth pretty much except for who i am and a couple other smaller things. if I hadnt of lied about who i am then she wouldnt have been interested in me. I told her about my life and most of it has been the truth. Why cant it be said that we could fall in love with eachother based on things about our insides even if our outsides are different than what we thought? 

Ah, but the one thing that you haven’t told her is a pretty important thing. You have lied to her and misrepresented yourself to be something you are not. But, it’s not about your appearance, it’s more than that. She hasn’t really fallen in love with you based on your insides because she doesn’t know you the real you - you hide yourself, you haven’t revealed yourself to her. You are insecure, and you are dishonest. She deserves to know this so that she can decide if you are someone she wants to date. 

If you have to lie to get the girl, it’s never going to work out. Relationship that are built on a dishonesty are never going to last. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by BaileyB

[thomas131313]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Ah, but the one thing that you haven’t told her is a pretty important thing. You have lied to her and misrepresented yourself to be something you are not. But, it’s not about your appearance, it’s more than that. She hasn’t really fallen in love with you based on your insides because she doesn’t know you the real you - you hide yourself, you haven’t revealed yourself to her. You are insecure, and you are dishonest. She deserves to know this so that she can decide if you are someone she wants spot invest her time and emotional energy. 

If you have to lie to get the girl, it’s never going to work out. Relationship that are built on a dishonesty are never going to last. 

Haven't you seen the movie wedding crashers? She falls in love with him on a pretense that hes somebody else but thats still him. Its a movie but I think this holds true to some extent usually. The guy this girl has fallen in love with is really truly me. The laughs the talks and so on. I do understand how this comes across but I guess it would be up to her if I tell her about my dishonesty what she would want to do and what not

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

Haven't you seen the movie wedding crashers? She falls in love with him on a pretense that hes somebody else but thats still him. Its a movie but I think this holds true to some extent usually. The guy this girl has fallen in love with is really truly me.

That is fiction, fantasy, a modern day fairy tale... It is entertainment, not real life. 

[ShyViolet]

This girl sounds extremely immature and mentally unbalanced.  You sound very immature too, honestly.

It was really wrong of you to use pictures that are not you and misrepresent yourself in an online dating context.  Please don't ever do that again when online dating.  Now you need to tell her immediately that the pictures are not you.  This lie shouldn't go on any longer.  I know you think she'll be devastated and "it will ruin her life".... honestly this whole relationship is extremely unhealthy and she's already very mentally unbalanced.  No matter what you do, she's going to have a breakdown and act like her life is being ruined, one way or another.  Get it over with.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Haven't you seen the movie wedding crashers? She falls in love with him on a pretense that hes somebody else but thats still him. Its a movie but I think this holds true to some extent usually. The guy this girl has fallen in love with is really truly me. The laughs the talks and so on. I do understand how this comes across but I guess it would be up to her if I tell her about my dishonesty what she would want to do and what not

OP, this is fiction. It's not real life. 

Stop wasting your time trying to justify your poor behaviour, and man up: be honest with her. 

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Maybe I misrepresented what she said. She said more than a few times ' even if you showed up as a totally different person and the pictures were just some random i would still want to be with you '

Then why do think you are going to lose her?

Tell her the TRUTH.  She deserves that.  You may want a human connection but even if you initially thought this was a joke, the second you suspected she was falling for you, you were obligated to come clean.  The fact that you didn't & that you are still dithering, claiming not to know what to do is the basis for me questioning your character & sincerity.  You clean up the mess you made.  That is the only answer  

Do you actually think that doing what you are doing, lying to her about what you look like & never meeting is sustainable? 

Edited May 6, 2020 by d0nnivain

[thomas131313]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Then why do think you are going to lose her?

Tell her the TRUTH.  She deserves that.  You may want a human connection but even if you initially thought this was a joke, the second you suspected she was falling for you, you were obligated to come clean.  The fact that you didn't & that you are still dithering, claiming not to know what to do is the basis for me questioning your character & sincerity.  You clean up the mess you made.  That is the only answer  

Do you actually think that doing what you are doing, lying to her about what you look like & never meeting is sustainable? 

Well after a couple months of talking or so she started to talk about how she might get a tatoo that symbolizes us. Recently she has been talking about it more again and when the tatoo shops are open she said she is going to get one. I dont think I can let her do it this is so far. She even said it would be funny if i rejected her after. Part of the problem is I think no matter what I do now its going to effect her really bad. If I come clean especially with everything I know about her and all the pictures and videos I have and the passwords for some of her things. and since she told her family and friends about me this could really traumatize her. What is she going to tell them. If I tell her I have some disease and cant be with her, or just tell her I cant be with her in general shes going to be heart broken. Also pretty early on maybe after a month or so she mentioned how she would feel worse if this was a game then anything else and I was just leading her on over the phone not that I was somebody else. Of course she felt differently about me at the time compared to now but I dont know whats going to be worse. one day shes spazzing out at me and crying and the next shes apologizing and talking about our kids.

Sustainable in what way? as in she would eventually be done with me and the situation? I need to decide what Im going to say and what im going to do. obviously i let this go to far and i admit that, but this situation is making me think a little bit differently about women and the world in general. how many women out there would be willing to do this for a guy they thought was really good looking? its just sad really

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

how many women out there would be willing to do this for a guy they thought was really good looking? its just sad really

Very few who are emotionally mature and socially-adjusted would do anything like this for a guy they've never laid eyes on in real-time, regardless of what his pictures looked like. It is very troubling that she's talking about kids, claiming she loves you and has given you passwords to anything. Healthy adults don't do this. This woman does not reflect the behaviour of the general female population, but the fact that you are even wondering if it does says a lot about your own lack of experience with women, unfortunately. 

With all due respect, I think you and she both have a lot of underlying issues which lead you both to escape to an online fantasy world. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[thomas131313]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Very few who are emotionally mature and socially-adjusted would do anything like this for a guy they've never laid eyes on in real-time, regardless of what his pictures looked like. It is very troubling that she's talking about kids, claiming she loves you and has given you passwords to anything. Healthy adults don't do this. This woman does not reflect the behaviour of the general female population, but the fact that you are even wondering if it does says a lot about your own lack of experience with women, unfortunately. 

With all due respect, I think you and she both have a lot of underlying issues which lead you both to escape to an online fantasy world. 

I know it doesnt reflect most women. I never said that it does, and I didnt mean it if it did sound like it, but the fact that there are some cases like this, and me or you dont know the percentage of what that may be, whether its 1 percent of women or 10 percent is somewhat sad. Dont forget that lots of adults arent healthy and its not like 95 percent of women are emotionally mature. Do you believe she loves me? I think its hard for you to get it unless you heard the things she says and saw the things she does for yourself

[ExpatInItaly]

36 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

 Do you believe she loves me? I think its hard for you to get it unless you heard the things she says and saw the things she does for yourself

Not in the sense that most adults in this society would define love, no. 

[BaileyB]

It’s difficult to believe that a woman would share her passwords and get a tattoo on her body with/for a man that she has never met. These are very irresponsible things for anyone to do. 

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

It’s difficult to believe that a woman would share her passwords and get a tattoo on her body with/for a man that she has never met. These are very irresponsible things for anyone to do. 

its hard for me to believe too. it almost doesnt sound real. i think that is why i have gone along with this for so long with her cause it almost doesnt seem possible. even today she talks about our kids and the details about how like when we decide its a possibility we need atleast 6 to 12 months of time where we plan ahead for like budget and making sure everything is working inside of her to have a safe pregnancy its just crazy really. she has to be somewhat crazy

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Part of the problem is I think no matter what I do now its going to effect her really bad. If I come clean especially with everything I know about her and all the pictures and videos I have and the passwords for some of her things. and since she told her family and friends about me this could really traumatize her. What is she going to tell them. If I tell her I have some disease and cant be with her, or just tell her I cant be with her in general shes going to be heart broken.

If she has a breakdown, it's not because of you.  It's because she has serious mental problems.  I mean, don't get me wrong, what you did in misrepresenting yourself was really unethical and you were very wrong in doing that.  But her having breakdowns and being unbalanced is not your doing.  If she hadn't met you online, she probably would be doing this same thing with someone else, and exhibiting all the same unhealthy, crazy behavior.

You HAVE to end this relationship one way or another.  Either come clean and tell her that the pictures are not you, or make up some other excuse and end it.  She is not mentally stable or sane enough to be in a relationship at all.  Does she have a diagnosis of a mental problem or a history of mental illness? 

[thomas131313]

Just now, ShyViolet said:

If she has a breakdown, it's not because of you.  It's because she has serious mental problems.  I mean, don't get me wrong, what you did in misrepresenting yourself was really unethical and you were very wrong in doing that.  But her having breakdowns and being unbalanced is not your doing.  If she hadn't met you online, she probably would be doing this same thing with someone else, and exhibiting all the same unhealthy, crazy behavior.

You HAVE to end this relationship one way or another.  Either come clean and tell her that the pictures are not you, or make up some other excuse and end it.  She is not mentally stable or sane enough to be in a relationship at all.  Does she have a diagnosis of a mental problem or a history of mental illness? 

thats the thing, she has told me i am the only one she is like this with cause shes never loved anybody like me. i believe her cause she wasnt like this with me initially its when she really started to like and love me. she says i set her off either mad or sad like no one else has. she pretty much said that i make her crazy cause she loves me so much and she cant explain it and she hasnt been like this with anyone. while in theory she could be lieing i believe her as shes mentioned she tells her mom about how she has been with me and even her mom has been shocked knowing thats not how she usually is. i think its probably both, theres something to be said about caring about somebody so much that they affect you in different ways, but she also has stuff going on with herself obviously. she has also told me every detail about her past relationships and so on. she has no history of mental issues

[preraph]

She already suspects you're a catfish and is just desperate to know, but that doesn't mean she's going to stay with you.  She'd have to be insane after all this lying and wasting her time you've done.  FFS, let her know you're not real and release her.  

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

She already suspects you're a catfish and is just desperate to know, but that doesn't mean she's going to stay with you.  She'd have to be insane after all this lying and wasting her time you've done.  FFS, let her know you're not real and release her.  

I think your wrong. she did initially but not anymore

[preraph]

Oh, well, that's just great.  Now she'll be doubly disappointed.  What is wrong with you doing this to a person? You have no conscience.   

 

She's not in love with YOU.  She's in love with the guy you have lied and told her you are, and that's that.

Edited May 6, 2020 by preraph

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you will also be surprised by the woman in front of you if you finally have the stones to meet her. 

She sounds like she has a lot of socialization and possibly some developmental issues.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to her, but I very much wonder if she's affected by some other condition(s) that render her so child-like and naive in her thinking and behaviour here.   Calling her crazy isn't exactly fair when you have no idea what other afflictions she might struggle with. 

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you will also be surprised by the woman in front of you if you finally have the stones to meet her. 

She sounds like she has a lot of socialization and possibly some developmental issues.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to her, but I very much wonder if she's affected by some other condition(s) that render her so child-like and naive in her thinking and behaviour here.   Calling her crazy isn't exactly fair when you have no idea what other afflictions she might struggle with. 

the interesting thing is that she is so smart and kind, and really insightful about everything and well versed and just intellectually one of the smartest people ive literally ever known, yet at the same time she is the way she is. she has admitted she was naive even before when she talked about some of her past sexual encounters lol but i do agree you are probably right. no one or other men that she has actually liked have really committed to her before that much i think just once or twice probably due to what your talking about

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

thats the thing, she has told me i am the only one she is like this with 

I don't believe that for a second.  Just because she said that doesn't mean it's true.  The way she has been acting is not normal.  This girl is not mentally stable enough to handle having a boyfriend.  She needs some mental help.  It's cruel of you to string someone along like this when they are not able to handle a relationship emotionally.  You've made it kinda clear that you have no intention of taking anyone's advice on here, your responses kinda show that you're not getting it.

[thomas131313]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't believe that for a second.  Just because she said that doesn't mean it's true.  The way she has been acting is not normal.  This girl is not mentally stable enough to handle having a boyfriend.  She needs some mental help.  It's cruel of you to string someone along like this when they are not able to handle a relationship emotionally.  You've made it kinda clear that you have no intention of taking anyone's advice on here, your responses kinda show that you're not getting it.

Its not that im not getting it but I have thought about this more and I think i see another problem. I really do like her and have been talking to her for like 8 hours a day for 4 months so its hard not to. I do like alot of things about her as a person and i think im a little bit attached to her now, not anything close to what she is to me and im not emotionally dependent on her like she is me but I do like alot of things about her. Im having a hard time letting go and coming clean or telling her i dont want to be with her cause of this I think and not knowing how she is going to react. i know it looks like im doing a bad thing, but i dont think im a bad person. i truly do like her. i need to decide what im going to do