I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[Last_Nerve]

She is not in love with you, and she has got some serious problems.  Tell her the truth and  move on..

 

[ShyViolet]

33 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

Its not that im not getting it but I have thought about this more and I think i see another problem. I really do like her and have been talking to her for like 8 hours a day for 4 months so its hard not to. I do like alot of things about her as a person and i think im a little bit attached to her now, not anything close to what she is to me and im not emotionally dependent on her like she is me but I do like alot of things about her. Im having a hard time letting go and coming clean or telling her i dont want to be with her cause of this I think and not knowing how she is going to react. i know it looks like im doing a bad thing, but i dont think im a bad person. i truly do like her. i need to decide what im going to do

Ok well let's start with baby steps.  If you're not ready to tell her that you DON'T want to be with her (because you don't actually feel that you don't want to be with her) then you don't have to tell her that.  Start by at least telling her that the pictures were not you.   She has the right to know at least that much.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

the interesting thing is that she is so smart and kind, and really insightful about everything and well versed and just intellectually one of the smartest people ive literally ever known, yet at the same time she is the way she is. she has admitted she was naive even before when she talked about some of her past sexual encounters 

This is not just naivety. 

There is something else going on with her. One can be intellectual and kind, and still not be an emotionally-developed or socially-adjusted individual. The way she has been interacting with you is not normal, OP. That doesn't mean she is a bad person, but I think you are toying with fire with a woman who is much more fragile than you realize.  You need to knock it off. 

[thomas131313]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is not just naivety. 

There is something else going on with her. One can be intellectual and kind, and still not be an emotionally-developed or socially-adjusted individual. The way she has been interacting with you is not normal, OP. That doesn't mean she is a bad person, but I think you are toying with fire with a woman who is much more fragile than you realize.  You need to knock it off. 

But why has she only been this way with me and no one else? She tells me she can picture a future with me and the other people she has been with she has never been like that where she talks about kids, marriage and so on, where she says she sees it with me. Lets just say for argument sake that she is telling the truth which I believe and has only done this with me and no one else. Why is she doing this with me and why didnt she do it before? Could it be cause I have committed more to her than other people atleast in words?

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

I really do like her and have been talking to her for like 8 hours a day for 4 months so its hard not to.

What do you possibly talk about for that long? Do neither of you work? 

[thomas131313]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What do you possibly talk about for that long? Do neither of you work? 

everything i guess. life. and sometimes its like 10 to 12 hours. before she lost her job she would get home at 4-5 and we would talk till later but then when she lost her job its all day now and i knew that when she lost her job she was going to put more pressure on me to meet her and be with her and i was right since she is literally at home all day doing nothing

[BaileyB]

37 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

i knew that when she lost her job she was going to put more pressure on me to meet her and be with her and i was right since she is literally at home all day doing nothing

And apparently lacks the ability to maintain a healthy boundary...

Edited May 6, 2020 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

But why has she only been this way with me and no one else? She tells me she can picture a future with me and the other people she has been with she has never been like that where she talks about kids, marriage and so on, where she says she sees it with me. 

You have absolutely no idea if that's true. 

I don't even mean that she's lying about desire to marry you and have kids and ride off into the sunset. OP You misunderstood my point. My point is that this behavior indicates sh'e's got other problems that even she probably doesn't recognize. You're not dealing with a mature and well-balanced person here, and she doesn't appear to realize that about herself, and honestly? You don't seem to have the knowledge or experience to realize it either.

It's not a good sign when an adult lives in a make-believe world. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

she is literally at home all day doing nothing

And what about you? Do you work, OP?

[thomas131313]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have absolutely no idea if that's true. 

I don't even mean that she's lying about desire to marry you and have kids and ride off into the sunset. OP You misunderstood my point. My point is that this behavior indicates sh'e's got other problems that even she probably doesn't recognize. You're not dealing with a mature and well-balanced person here, and she doesn't appear to realize that about herself, and honestly? You don't seem to have the knowledge or experience to realize it either.

It's not a good sign when an adult lives in a make-believe world. 

 

In her defense its not like she wanted this from the beginning. shes been pretty direct about it the entire time. I kept just putting off meeting her and we kept talking. there was a few times even earlier on where she said most people would walk away and stuff

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

In her defense its not like she wanted this from the beginning. shes been pretty direct about it the entire time. I kept just putting off meeting her and we kept talking. there was a few times even earlier on where she said most people would walk away and stuff

But she didn't, did she?

She is now talking marriage, children, tattoos of your names - none of this is normal when she's never met you 

Anyway, it doesn't help your case to debate the details. What do you intend to do about all of this? 

[thomas131313]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

But she didn't, did she?

She is now talking marriage, children, tattoos of your names - none of this is normal when she's never met you 

Anyway, it doesn't help your case to debate the details. What do you intend to do about all of this? 

Well in the past couple weeks in her big breakdowns where it has been overly dramatized she has said that she hates the situation but she cant walk away from it cause she loves me. Also she has mentioned recently again and put more pressure on me for a actual timeline as in she wants to know when I can meet her and be with her so she can accept and mentalize it. she said she wants to know if its going to be 1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and so on. I could tell her that to be in her life fully its going to take me years and years and maybe in this case this gives her the option to walk away if she has the strength to do so that is. she also mentioned a week or so ago that she has thought about it and that we have a safeguard as in if we dont work out that she would not want to lose me forever and she wants to know me for the rest of our lives so we would still talk occasionally and be friends. she said losing me fully would be harder than staying friends with me. I think she was talking in the sense that when we meet and if it doesnt work out in that situation there would be a safeguard so that we know eachother forever. it could be the same if we never met too. i wouldnt lose her fully either in this case.

 

i dont know if i have the balls to tell her that its not me in the pictures and go down that route. whats weird is that its not like this girl doesnt get attention from other men, she was in a 4 year long term relationship that was really bad and had lots of other small flings so its not like im just some one off but i guess she was always looking for love but she has been screwed over by alot of people in the past. I havent decided which option to choose yet

[d0nnivain]

If you don't come clean about what you look like sooner rather than later, you will lose her anyway. 

If you tell her that you won't see her for some long period of time you will also lose her. 

Why do you continue to avoid the consequences of the damage you make worse every day you don't tell the truth? 

[thomas131313]

34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

If you don't come clean about what you look like sooner rather than later, you will lose her anyway. 

If you tell her that you won't see her for some long period of time you will also lose her. 

Why do you continue to avoid the consequences of the damage you make worse every day you don't tell the truth? 

cause of things like today she told me that she was talking with her mom and that she forgot its common knowledge that she loves me or we love eachother and her mom listened to her talk about me and asked her if she loves this boy and she said she really does and then her mom was like it sounds like you really do with how you talk about him. i dont know what option to choose

[d0nnivain]

Chose to tell her the truth.  Everything else is a mean choice.  

This girl is already delusional & naïve.  The more you drag out this lie, the more she will come to learn in the most brutal way that men lie & can't be trusted.  If you confess now, you were just an insecure boy who made a mistake.  She will probably get past that because she's silly & naïve to begin with.  But as you drag this out, not coming clean, it's deliberate & cruel on your part.  Are you really that guy? 

[thomas131313]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Chose to tell her the truth.  Everything else is a mean choice.  

This girl is already delusional & naïve.  The more you drag out this lie, the more she will come to learn in the most brutal way that men lie & can't be trusted.  If you confess now, you were just an insecure boy who made a mistake.  She will probably get past that because she's silly & naïve to begin with.  But as you drag this out, not coming clean, it's deliberate & cruel on your part.  Are you really that guy? 

she already knows men lie and cant be trusted lol shes told me some stories. she goes on rants about how she hates men all the time. i just wish i wasnt in this situation actually and i didnt get involved like this i think, which is something ive never said until now,  similiar to how she wishes she wasnt either in a way

[preraph]

On 5/5/2020 at 5:45 PM, thomas131313 said:

 a healthy emotional connection isint based on looks that much correct me if im wrong. 

No, it's based on trust, and you lied, so she will never trust you again.  And looks have to be there and attraction has to be there unless the only thing you want from her is passing friendship.  Otherwise, she will need you to look like the guy in the photo or a reasonable facsimile.  That's why she talked to you.

[thomas131313]

Just now, preraph said:

No, it's based on trust, and you lied, so she will never trust you again.  And looks have to be there and attraction has to be there unless the only thing you want from her is passing friendship.  Otherwise, she will need you to look like the guy in the photo or a reasonable facsimile.  That's why she talked to you.

I already said that before. i know the only reason she talked to me is based on looks. she also said recently how we evolved and grew and it was organic and natural and that she felt this pull initially with me even earlier on. its like well no kidding you thought i was a good looking dude thats the pull you felt lol

[preraph]

So tell her you are not a good looking dude at all and show her a photo and see how long this lasts.  I think you just like the blind validation that a woman likes you but you don't really want to know if she really likes YOU.

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, preraph said:

So tell her you are not a good looking dude at all and show her a photo and see how long this lasts.  I think you just like the blind validation that a woman likes you but you don't really want to know if she really likes YOU.

its hard to say if she really likes me or not. we do have alot of weird connections and similarities and how we are with eachother so i think she does and you havent heard everything she has said but again she wouldnt have put up with me this long or anything if i wasnt a good looking dude. shes the one who said she would still want to be with me and then she went off about how its one thing for her to say that cause shes a woman and needs emotional connection and i kind of said the same thing back that if she was somebody else id still love her and want to be with her but again i dont believe her that she would want too. im actually curious what her reaction would be if i did show her a picture lol i know so much about her and her life and have so much of her that its not like she can just walk away from that think about it. its not that i dont want her to not reject me i dont care actually, but i do care about knowing her as a person and what not

[preraph]

She'll be broken hearted and then mad.  Anyone would.  Don't you watch "Catfish"?  It's never a happy ending.

[preraph]

And then she'll probably feel sorry for you because of this pathetic behavior, and THAT isn't sexy at all.  

[thomas131313]

Just now, preraph said:

And then she'll probably feel sorry for you because of this pathetic behavior, and THAT isn't sexy at all.  

i dont know what about the fact of how dumb she will look and then she will have to lie to her friends and family cause shes not going to tell them the truth. why would she be broken hearted if she knew i wasnt the guy, wouldnt she be less broken hearted?

[preraph]

She'll be broken hearted first and so disappointed and hurt you'd do that to her and lie to her == and then she'll be mad as a wet hen and kicking herself for wasting her time.

[thomas131313]

37 minutes ago, preraph said:

She'll be broken hearted first and so disappointed and hurt you'd do that to her and lie to her == and then she'll be mad as a wet hen and kicking herself for wasting her time.

thinking back to what she said she was like she thinks im good looking and this and that but its not even close to the reason she loves me its just a bonus. i guess i could test this theory