I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[ExpatInItaly]

You're going in circles with this, OP. All the rationalizing and justifying is a distraction from taking action, 

It's time to stop avoiding what needs to be done: tell her the truth and let decide, or cut her free.

[Redhead14]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Your claiming because I lied to her about who I am im not showing her my true personality? Lots of couples lie and still stay together. I have also made a couple other smaller lies to her that she knew about and she didnt leave, but I have been mostly honest about most things. So lets say that I did not lie to her and that was really me in the pictures, does it change the situation entirely and then she 'knows' who i am now because I didnt lie and all of a sudden all my other traits that she has gotten to know mean something and become valuable now, whereas because I lied they mean nothing? This is essentially what you are saying no? Why do my other traits mean nothing if i lied? Everyone has positive and negative traits and just because i lied about what I look like does not mean that everything weve talked about doesnt count. I have said many times i know this is not a good thing to do. if I had never lied in my life about anything like this, or even close to this before and this is the first time, does that really make this part of my character?

A couple cannot build a quality relationship that is built on lies of any kind.  And, you are not talking about little white lies here.  These are significant lies.  You are not operating at a level of mental and emotional maturity that will allow for building a quality relationship.  Relationships built on lies do not last PERIOD or if they do, they are toxic and both parties are unhappy unless they are just deluding themselves and accepting behaviors and issues as "normal" in a relationship. 

You are not here for guidance or advice.  You are here because you want someone to tell you that what you are doing is OK.  Most of the responders on these boards seem to be intelligent and moral and are giving opinions and advice based on personal experience and insight and attempting to help you avoid heartache for yourself and her.  If you want a site where you will get that kind of encouragement, you 'll need to visit goaheadandFupyourlife.com.

[thomas131313]

49 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

A couple cannot build a quality relationship that is built on lies of any kind.  And, you are not talking about little white lies here.  These are significant lies.  You are not operating at a level of mental and emotional maturity that will allow for building a quality relationship.  Relationships built on lies do not last PERIOD or if they do, they are toxic and both parties are unhappy unless they are just deluding themselves and accepting behaviors and issues as "normal" in a relationship. 

You are not here for guidance or advice.  You are here because you want someone to tell you that what you are doing is OK.  Most of the responders on these boards seem to be intelligent and moral and are giving opinions and advice based on personal experience and insight and attempting to help you avoid heartache for yourself and her.  If you want a site where you will get that kind of encouragement, you 'll need to visit goaheadandFupyourlife.com.

today she said she had a good chat with her best friend that is like her sister pretty much and that her friend started in a relationship long distance with her husband and that it was nice for this girl im talking to to get her friends insight. she has never talked about the details of me and her with anyone. her friend made her feel really good about it all and she told her that connection is much stronger when built apart and you have the opportunity to get to know eachother on a way deeper level, and if she truly believes i am the person its worth all of it and we will be stronger together after going through this. then her friend told her she cant wait to meet me when its all settled because anyone that is that special to her must be an amazing person. she said talking to her friend about this today who has had to be patient and believe in the future more than the current situation and seeing how happy her friend and her husband are made her feel really positive. how devastated will this girl be if i tell her i dont want to be with her 

[preraph]

She won't be nearly as devastated when she finds out that you're a liar and that you've been saying you're this good-looking guy when you're not. She will be very upset for a while and then should be very mad and get over it. 

 

If you just go store which I believe is all you've got the guts to do if that, she will always wonder and we even more hurt but we already know you don't care about that or you wouldn't have been doing this the whole time anyway. You have no conscience. I only wish she knew that about you. 

[thomas131313]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

She won't be nearly as devastated when she finds out that you're a liar and that you've been saying you're this good-looking guy when you're not. She will be very upset for a while and then should be very mad and get over it. 

 

If you just go store which I believe is all you've got the guts to do if that, she will always wonder and we even more hurt but we already know you don't care about that or you wouldn't have been doing this the whole time anyway. You have no conscience. I only wish she knew that about you. 

You dont know that. She told me early on she would actually find it worse if this was just a game of me playing her compared to if we had met and it didnt work out. she also said it would be worse if i didnt want to be with her and never met her compared to if i met her and it didnt work out i guess since she would never know what would have happened. she said that after about a month or two of talking

[preraph]

Tell me exactly where in there is a happy scenario where she doesn't get hurt. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

 how devastated will this girl be if i tell her i dont want to be with her 

Devastated. 

She is not emotionally stable as it is. There is no way you're not going to hurt her, whether you tell the truth or not. You've made a complete mess of this. 

[Redhead14]

The other thing that happens often in an online dating situation where the woman seems desperate and quick to latch on to a guy is called catfishing.  These women don't care who is on the other end as long as the guy is gullible and willing.  If this woman starts asking you for money or wanting to come stay with you or anything that is moving things along very quickly, you need to drop contact as soon as possible.  You are likely being played like a fiddle.

 

[preraph]

Yep, the only question is whether it's one catfish (him) or two.  I'm actually hoping for the latter at this point.

Edited May 12, 2020 by preraph

[thomas131313]

17 hours ago, preraph said:

Tell me exactly where in there is a happy scenario where she doesn't get hurt. 

 

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Yep, the only question is whether it's one catfish (him) or two.  I'm actually hoping for the latter at this point.

You guys are silly lol. ive seen her on cam and if i could make up a story like this well then i guess i would be pretty creative

[thomas131313]

5 hours ago, Redhead14 said:

The other thing that happens often in an online dating situation where the woman seems desperate and quick to latch on to a guy is called catfishing.  These women don't care who is on the other end as long as the guy is gullible and willing.  If this woman starts asking you for money or wanting to come stay with you or anything that is moving things along very quickly, you need to drop contact as soon as possible.  You are likely being played like a fiddle.

 

You are not very bright, sorry if you read my entire story she has never asked me for money or anything like this

[thomas131313]

10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Devastated. 

She is not emotionally stable as it is. There is no way you're not going to hurt her, whether you tell the truth or not. You've made a complete mess of this. 

Well I regret talking to her in some ways for the past 4 months cause in reality its not like it has got me that much especially if when i either tell her the truth or that i dont want to be with her and then if we never talk again. theres a possibility that she will decide she still wants to remain friends with me after i decide since thats what she has said many times but i dont know.

shes going to be hurt but I have never talked to anybody this much ever in my life for one, and also anybody that I have connected with this much lets say from a young age I still talk to today. I think this girl has a desire to be loved by people that she wants to be loved by. in the 4 year relationship she had the guy did really love her but she didnt love him as much so she has been loved but maybe thats part of the reasons she got herself in the situation is that shes craving love and maybe thats part of the reason ive kept talking to her too. i mean ive never had anybody love me or this good looking guy as much as she does. this girl would literally die for me and gives me anything and everything i ask as much as she can in this situation. she also gives me everything with out asking and ive never had anybody do this for me and i also dont think i ever could find somebody like this.

she has also told me that she has tried to control a couple situations in the past where she would do everything for these people and try to get them to love her so like i said i think its related to her desire to be loved. she mentioned this earlier on in the first couple of months of talking. she has said many times that she is addicted to chaos and that she likes pain sometimes so I think as much as she thinks this is going to work out between me and her I also think subconsciously she knows it might not. she has also been in one situation similar to this but in person where she was in love with a guy when she was around 20 and they were romantic for a few weeks but then he told her hes not ready right now and he said he might be eventually and he made her wait for him and they would see eachother everyday and spend time as friends but she waited i think around 9 months or so and then found him talking to other girls and it didnt work out. she said what she has with me is way more than she had with him but if theres anything related it would be that. she is repeating the same patterns she attaches herself to situations she knows might never work and she has hope that they will i dont really know but what i do know is i need to stop spending all my time thinking about this and wasting energy on every little detail

[Redhead14]

52 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

You are not very bright, sorry if you read my entire story she has never asked me for money or anything like this

She hasn't yet . . .  But, I did not say that she had asked you for money.  I said "if" she asks for money or tries to rush things further, you should be suspicious. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by Redhead14

[thomas131313]

3 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

She hasn't yet . . .  But, I did not say that she had asked you for money.  I said "if" she asks for money or tries to rush things further, you should be suspicious. 

rush things further? have you read everything here? i dont know if you understand the situation fully. actually i dont know if anyone does cause their not in it the fact that there are people that dont believe it goes to show

[Redhead14]

5 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

rush things further? have you read everything here? i dont know if you understand the situation fully. actually i dont know if anyone does cause their not in it the fact that there are people that dont believe it goes to show

Your story is familiar.  Women/men who "fall in love" with people they've never met in person.  She's rushing things already because she's telling you she's in love with you and she doesn't know you yet PERIOD.  I can't figure out why you're here anyway.   I have other things I can waste my time on right now.  Good luck to you.

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, Redhead14 said:

Your story is familiar.  Women/men who "fall in love" with people they've never met in person.  She's rushing things already because she's telling you she's in love with you and she doesn't know you yet PERIOD.  I can't figure out why you're here anyway.   I have other things I can waste my time on right now.  Good luck to you.

Agree to disagree. Have fun

[thomas131313]

8 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

Your story is familiar.  Women/men who "fall in love" with people they've never met in person.  She's rushing things already because she's telling you she's in love with you and she doesn't know you yet PERIOD.  I can't figure out why you're here anyway.   I have other things I can waste my time on right now.  Good luck to you.

According to a new survey, 1-in-4 couples now say they met online. But after what happened to Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o recently, many people are wondering if it’s really possible to fall in love online, before you ever meet in person?

Well, according to the book Affairs Of The Net, not only is it possible – it happens all the time! In fact, many studies show that people do form “deeper connections” when they meet online, even if they never meet face to face. For example: One study found that people who met online tend to communicate more openly and honestly, compared to people who met face-to-face. And in a study that analyzed strangers meeting in both well-lit rooms and pitch-dark rooms, experts say those who met in dark rooms were more likely to be themselves, and ask more intimate questions, compared to those who could see each other’s face.

Why would that happen? Researchers say it boils down to the fact that when we take away the stress of being face-to-face and can really think about our interactions, then it’s easier to get deeper with each other. That’s why a growing number of couples now report moving more quickly from a casual online chat, to something much more emotional and falling in love online – even before they meet in person!

Dr. Adamse says the problem with waiting is that the longer you wait to meet in real life, the more likely you are to start idealizing the person. And you end up forming an impression about them that’s based more on fantasy than reality. So, by the time you finally do meet, you’re more likely to feel let down because no one can live up to the fantasy in your head. In other words: It’s normal to fall in love with someone you meet online. But never think you’re in a “real” relationship until you’re actually face-to-face with that person, spending time with them.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you and she are both desperate to be loved, OP, but neither of you has healthy or developed relationship or interpersonal skills. You’re both so terrified of rejection that she has sworn to spend her life with you (thus trying to lock you down) and you keep hiding the truth because you’re afraid she won’t find you attractive. This fear manifests itself in different ways in each of you but you’re both scared of the same thing: being rejected by the other. 

While you’re sitting here debating and quoting one source or another , you could be taking steps towards rectifying this with her. You’re wasting time, dude. 

Do you really find yourself that physically unattractive?

[thomas131313]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you and she are both desperate to be loved, OP, but neither of you has healthy or developed relationship or interpersonal skills. You’re both so terrified of rejection that she has sworn to spend her life with you (thus trying to lock you down) and you keep hiding the truth because you’re afraid she won’t find you attractive. This fear manifests itself in different ways in each of you but you’re both scared of the same thing: being rejected by the other. 

While you’re sitting here debating and quoting one source or another , you could be taking steps towards rectifying this with her. You’re wasting time, dude. 

Do you really find yourself that physically unattractive?

Your right. this is the best thing ever said here. how else does this fear manifest? does anything come to mind?

[thomas131313]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you and she are both desperate to be loved, OP, but neither of you has healthy or developed relationship or interpersonal skills. You’re both so terrified of rejection that she has sworn to spend her life with you (thus trying to lock you down) and you keep hiding the truth because you’re afraid she won’t find you attractive. This fear manifests itself in different ways in each of you but you’re both scared of the same thing: being rejected by the other. 

While you’re sitting here debating and quoting one source or another , you could be taking steps towards rectifying this with her. You’re wasting time, dude. 

Do you really find yourself that physically unattractive?

Also she hasnt sworn to spend her life with anybody else before in the past except for the one guy she was with when she was 20 but they were just friends so she never even said she loved him to his face but she was in love with him, so why has she sworn it with me? cause of looks? she had tons of flings for a couple months here and there and she wasnt trying to spend her life with them. Why me?

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, thomas131313 said:

Also she hasnt sworn to spend her life with anybody else before in the past except for the one guy she was with when she was 20 but they were just friends so she never even said she loved him to his face but she was in love with him, so why has she sworn it with me? cause of looks? she had tons of flings for a couple months here and there and she wasnt trying to spend her life with them. Why me?

I am just curious, WHY did you use fake pictures in the first place?  Why did you feel like you couldn't use your real pictures?  What is truly behind that?

[thomas131313]

39 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I am just curious, WHY did you use fake pictures in the first place?  Why did you feel like you couldn't use your real pictures?  What is truly behind that?

To see what would happen if i did i guess. obviously i didnt think this would happen. if girls are going to choose the best looking guy they can get which is how it is today since it is so easy and they have so many options i wanted to try it for fun. what is behind it? well none of these girls would have been interested if it was me. its been eye opening for sure, the world is a shallow place. especially since im socially normal and fun to be around and so on and thats probably why she thinks im really the good looking guy cause im normal to talk to and interact with, well besides the fact i have some emotional issues according to others here. why did she choose me when she has so many other options? that i dont know maybe its me, maybe its that like others said she cant find anybody to attach herself to or she will scare people away if she talks about the stuff she does with me. i did it mostly as a joke i guess

[preraph]

She didn't choose you. She chose the handsome guy in the fake picture. 

[BaileyB]

41 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

To see what would happen if i did i guess. obviously i didnt think this would happen. if girls are going to choose the best looking guy they can get which is how it is today since it is so easy and they have so many options i wanted to try it for fun. what is behind it? well none of these girls would have been interested if it was me. its been eye opening for sure, the world is a shallow place. especially since im socially normal and fun to be around and so on and thats probably why she thinks im really the good looking guy cause im normal to talk to and interact with

Obviously, you did though... considering that you put up a fake picture to attract a woman and you have literally failed to tell her that you have deliberately mislead her every single day since you first spoke. 

None of those girls would have been interested since the world is a shallow space... says the guy who is enjoying the live webcam show every night.  Sorry, I’m playing the worlds smallest violin for you - especially because you’ve tried to tell us all along that it does not matter that you lied about the good looking picture, she has fallen in love with the PERSON that you are, not the PICTURE that you posted. 😂 If anyone has been shallow and insecure here, it’s you... not her. 

Edited May 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[thomas131313]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Obviously, you did though... considering that you put up a fake picture to attract a woman and you have literally failed to tell her that you have deliberately mislead her every single day since you first spoke. 

None of those girls would have been interested since the world is a shallow space... says the guy who is enjoying the live webcam show every night.  Sorry, I’m playing the worlds smallest violin for you - especially because you’ve tried to tell us all along that it does not matter that you lied about the good looking picture, she has fallen in love with the PERSON that you are, not the PICTURE that you posted. 😂 If anyone has been shallow and insecure here, it’s you... not her. 

I did not think that this situation would have happened where i had a girl fall in love with me and talking to me everyday. are you serious? are you claiming the only reason she has waited around is due to the picture? those defending this girl need to reevaluate the situation a little bit