I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[BaileyB]

18 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

I did not think that this situation would have happened where i had a girl fall in love with me and talking to me everyday. are you claiming the only reason she has waited around is due to the picture? 

No, I have long said that something is wrong here if a girl behaves in this way with a man she has never met. Assuming she really is that naive, I think she sticks around because because you have led her to believe that you are someone you are not (the picture being only one part of YOUR deception).

Edited May 12, 2020 by BaileyB

[healing light]

6 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

According to a new survey, 1-in-4 couples now say they met online. But after what happened to Notre Dame football star Manti Te’o recently, many people are wondering if it’s really possible to fall in love online, before you ever meet in person?

Well, according to the book Affairs Of The Net, not only is it possible – it happens all the time! In fact, many studies show that people do form “deeper connections” when they meet online, even if they never meet face to face. For example: One study found that people who met online tend to communicate more openly and honestly, compared to people who met face-to-face. And in a study that analyzed strangers meeting in both well-lit rooms and pitch-dark rooms, experts say those who met in dark rooms were more likely to be themselves, and ask more intimate questions, compared to those who could see each other’s face.

Why would that happen? Researchers say it boils down to the fact that when we take away the stress of being face-to-face and can really think about our interactions, then it’s easier to get deeper with each other. That’s why a growing number of couples now report moving more quickly from a casual online chat, to something much more emotional and falling in love online – even before they meet in person!

Dr. Adamse says the problem with waiting is that the longer you wait to meet in real life, the more likely you are to start idealizing the person. And you end up forming an impression about them that’s based more on fantasy than reality. So, by the time you finally do meet, you’re more likely to feel let down because no one can live up to the fantasy in your head. In other words: It’s normal to fall in love with someone you meet online. But never think you’re in a “real” relationship until you’re actually face-to-face with that person, spending time with them.

Blah blah blah blah blah. You're acting under the guise that this woman knows what you look like, like these other couples. It doesn't apply. You're not the guy in the picture, you're the guy who has lied to her in big ways about your appearance and in "smaller" ways that she caught onto. And even if you were that guy, you don't know if attraction would translate into real life interaction. One of you might have a smell the other can't tolerate or be extremely awkward conversationally once in person. So on and so forth.

You know what I call people who I love as a person but have no sexual chemistry with? Friends. The attraction part IS the difference between a boyfriend and a close friend.

You have consciously chosen to manipulate and lie to this woman from day one. Yet you sit back and call her superficial? You are being emotionally abusive toward this woman by calling her these things when you are projecting your own insecurities here. You're the one rating her as a 6.5/7 with huge tits and she's the superficial one? For liking the guy you portrayed yourself to be? You have no room to talk. You're the one who is so focused on appearance that you can't be honest about your own in order to hoodwink a woman that you think is more attractive than one you could find by your own merits. And then you sit back here and justify all the lying and manipulation in the meantime.

You need to have your come to Jesus moment with this woman. Come clean. The best case scenario is that she will look past the lying and may find something attractive about your appearance and you guys could potentially build something together. The worst case scenario would be that she would reject you and be hurt for a while. But, trust me, it will be MUCH easier for her to get over a guy who isn't who he says he is and/or one she's not actually attracted to than it will be for her to get over this fantasy dreamboat you've constructed who just ruthlessly rejects her with no explanation. 

Do the honorable thing and come clean NOW. Then watch several episodes of Catfish so you can understand the emotional pain you're inflicting on her. She deserves to be able to move on with her life in one direction or the other. She deserves the truth. Feeding her crumbs in the mean time with the push/pull dynamic is likely to trigger her underlying self worth issues of why she's not good enough for a man to be fully present for her--which is much more damaging in the long run than revealing you lied.

Edited to add: You also hold up both of your lives in the meantime with this lie. She could end up missing out on the guy for her, rejecting other compatible partners, because she's waiting for you to materialize, and vice versa. Late 20s is not a time to mess around with someone's heart, as these relationships tend to occur at a time when people are considering marriages and children.

 

Edited May 13, 2020 by healing light

[thomas131313]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Obviously, you did though... considering that you put up a fake picture to attract a woman and you have literally failed to tell her that you have deliberately mislead her every single day since you first spoke. 

None of those girls would have been interested since the world is a shallow space... says the guy who is enjoying the live webcam show every night.  Sorry, I’m playing the worlds smallest violin for you - especially because you’ve tried to tell us all along that it does not matter that you lied about the good looking picture, she has fallen in love with the PERSON that you are, not the PICTURE that you posted. 😂 If anyone has been shallow and insecure here, it’s you... not her. 

Well the fact is love isint based on looks, love is caring for someone more than you care for yourself. you would do anything to make that person happy, and when they are happy your happy. whenever i tell this girl about things im dealing with in my life she stands by and doesnt leave and is kind so and she would literally do anything for me, so while she was initially attracted because of the picture i dont think thats the reason she loves me or this good looking guy. you cant love someone just on looks and if you do then thats not love, so either she doesnt love me like she thinks, or she loves me beyond the good looking guy

[thomas131313]

29 minutes ago, healing light said:

But, trust me, it will be MUCH easier for her to get over a guy who isn't who he says he is and/or one she's not actually attracted to than it will be for her to get over this fantasy dreamboat you've constructed who just ruthlessly rejects her with no explanation. 

 

 

How do you know this forsure? just because she might not be attracted to me what about the other factors? What about how dumb she will look to herself, and how she has given me everything she possibly can in this situation and then I have all of this stuff of her when im not even the right guy? Or what she will tell her family and friends about who i was? and so on and so on and so on. There are alot of things to think about

[Dexterr]

4 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Well the fact is love isint based on looks, love is caring for someone more than you care for yourself. you would do anything to make that person happy, and when they are happy your happy. whenever i tell this girl about things im dealing with in my life she stands by and doesnt leave and is kind so and she would literally do anything for me, so while she was initially attracted because of the picture i dont think thats the reason she loves me or this good looking guy. you cant love someone just on looks and if you do then thats not love, so either she doesnt love me like she thinks, or she loves me beyond the good looking guy

Prove that and stop lying to her, show her what you actually look like, for heaven's sake. 

If you want a doormat that you can deceive and walk all over, there are cheap ones on Amazon. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Also she hasnt sworn to spend her life with anybody else before in the past except for the one guy she was with when she was 20 but they were just friends so she never even said she loved him to his face but she was in love with him, so why has she sworn it with me? cause of looks? she had tons of flings for a couple months here and there and she wasnt trying to spend her life with them. Why me?

This has already been answered., but it bears repeating:

1) You have no idea if any of  that's true. She could lie just as easily as you do.

2) She is clearly not that emotionally stable or mature

3) Most guys probably run from her, because of reason 2. You are the one sucker who's stuck around for it, a sucker using false advertising. She doesn't have many options for a long-term relationship, I guarantee it. 

You're not making any progress here. What is it you want at this point? For us to conclude that yes, she must be in love with you and this is the real deal? I highly doubt anyone here is going to give you that. The vast majority of rational adults are going to tell you that this isn't normal and very unlikely to be the great love story of your life. You make a case for yourself while at the same time making a case against her. I'm getting the impression you are trying to prove a point to ...who? Yourself? Society? This forum? That women are more concerned about looks than anything else? Because I am starting to believe you made this thread not to get advice (since you've taken none of it, it seems) but to find a soap-box for your frustrations about women and dating and not being able to score on your own . 

Do you really have no other options to date women? Do you work? Have friends and a social life?

 

 

[Yosemite]

11 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

Also she hasnt sworn to spend her life with anybody else before in the past except for the one guy she was with when she was 20 but they were just friends so she never even said she loved him to his face but she was in love with him, so why has she sworn it with me?

You've been lying to her from the start, why are you so convinced that every word she's told you has been true? She could be a liar too.

Quote

You guys are silly lol. ive seen her on cam

What do you mean you saw her on cam? Are you saying she's a cam girl? How did you see her but she didn't see you?

What's wrong with your looks? Were you in an accident or something? Not trying to be rude, but what specifically is wrong with your looks?

Have you ever had a bf/gf relationship before?

How old are you?

Edited May 13, 2020 by Yosemite

[thomas131313]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This has already been answered., but it bears repeating:

1) You have no idea if any of  that's true. She could lie just as easily as you do.

2) She is clearly not that emotionally stable or mature

3) Most guys probably run from her, because of reason 2. You are the one sucker who's stuck around for it, a sucker using false advertising. She doesn't have many options for a long-term relationship, I guarantee it. 

You're not making any progress here. What is it you want at this point? For us to conclude that yes, she must be in love with you and this is the real deal? I highly doubt anyone here is going to give you that. The vast majority of rational adults are going to tell you that this isn't normal and very unlikely to be the great love story of your life. You make a case for yourself while at the same time making a case against her. I'm getting the impression you are trying to prove a point to ...who? Yourself? Society? This forum? That women are more concerned about looks than anything else? Because I am starting to believe you made this thread not to get advice (since you've taken none of it, it seems) but to find a soap-box for your frustrations about women and dating and not being able to score on your own . 

Do you really have no other options to date women? Do you work? Have friends and a social life?

 

 

Shes not lying, Ive seen proof shes shown me most of the people, ive also seen texts. shes a pretty popular girl in general. mostly just curious what others would do, but its hard for them to know since they arent in the situation themselves. if someone posted here that they cheated on their girlfriend or wife, everyone here would say the same thing and tell them to come clean or tell the truth which is the right thing to do, i know what the right thing to do is but i also find it hard to do it for a few reasons i guess. the past month or so i havent been as nice to her as i usually am and she has noticed this and said theres a shift and shes scared this means i might not want to be with her.

im actually more interested in what would hurt her the most and what would hurt her the least in this situation, and what would also make it the best for me too. does coming clean and telling the truth hurt her less or more when she told me early on she would be the most hurt if this was just a game and i was playing her, or do i tell her i have a disease and i cant ever have a normal life with her and i cant make her happy or give her the things she needs. the problem with telling her i have a disease is that she might still want to be around cause i have tried to hint at it lately and she just wants to help more than anything so i dont even know if this will work but it might if i tell her im crippled or something, or do i keep talking to her and just let her not wait forever. i am interested that it does seem like women care about looks more than anything but im not trying to prove a point to anyone here, maybe just myself if anything

why isint anyone going to give me that? is it not possible that she is in love with me? just because something isint normal doesnt mean its not real, lots of different situations related to love happen all the time. why is it so hard to believe that this isint possible?

[thomas131313]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This has already been answered., but it bears repeating:

1) You have no idea if any of  that's true. She could lie just as easily as you do.

2) She is clearly not that emotionally stable or mature

3) Most guys probably run from her, because of reason 2. You are the one sucker who's stuck around for it, a sucker using false advertising. She doesn't have many options for a long-term relationship, I guarantee it. 

You're not making any progress here. What is it you want at this point? For us to conclude that yes, she must be in love with you and this is the real deal? I highly doubt anyone here is going to give you that. The vast majority of rational adults are going to tell you that this isn't normal and very unlikely to be the great love story of your life. You make a case for yourself while at the same time making a case against her. I'm getting the impression you are trying to prove a point to ...who? Yourself? Society? This forum? That women are more concerned about looks than anything else? Because I am starting to believe you made this thread not to get advice (since you've taken none of it, it seems) but to find a soap-box for your frustrations about women and dating and not being able to score on your own . 

Do you really have no other options to date women? Do you work? Have friends and a social life?

 

 

today she talked about how me and her didnt think we would be in this situation and that she doesnt regret a single second of it and we built such a strong bond through it all and thats its pushing her to grow as a person and let go of her need for control and lack of patience but that its really hard sometimes. she said she sees a lifetime with me and even though it hurts a lot sometimes she has alot of faith that it will be worth it in the end. then she said she doesnt believe in ultimatums  and she would never say she was done with me if i dont meet her by a certain date and that she feels really lost. we talked about how she might be scared im going to reject her but she said she was scared im never going to be ready for her. i told her well you could take that as rejection and she said its different more that its sad that we have all this time and love to spend together and we arent. she said she was scared i will need so much time and it will cause alot of pain and resentment towards eachother because we are on opposite sides of the story. she said she needs information from me too talking about how she wants a estimate of time something she can actually hold onto cause its hard going in blindly and not knowing when i guess

[thomas131313]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This has already been answered., but it bears repeating:

1) You have no idea if any of  that's true. She could lie just as easily as you do.

2) She is clearly not that emotionally stable or mature

3) Most guys probably run from her, because of reason 2. You are the one sucker who's stuck around for it, a sucker using false advertising. She doesn't have many options for a long-term relationship, I guarantee it. 

You're not making any progress here. What is it you want at this point? For us to conclude that yes, she must be in love with you and this is the real deal? I highly doubt anyone here is going to give you that. The vast majority of rational adults are going to tell you that this isn't normal and very unlikely to be the great love story of your life. You make a case for yourself while at the same time making a case against her. I'm getting the impression you are trying to prove a point to ...who? Yourself? Society? This forum? That women are more concerned about looks than anything else? Because I am starting to believe you made this thread not to get advice (since you've taken none of it, it seems) but to find a soap-box for your frustrations about women and dating and not being able to score on your own . 

Do you really have no other options to date women? Do you work? Have friends and a social life?

 

 

she also said she made the situation worse cause she didnt think it would have taken this long for me to meet her and that we would be way farther along now and that she told her friends and family about me way to soon so now everyone always asks about me and its a reminder of the situation

[preraph]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

the problem with telling her i have a disease is that she might still want to be around cause i have tried to hint at it lately and she just wants to help more than anything so i dont even know if this will work but it might if i tell her im crippled or something, or do i keep talking to her and just let her not wait forever. i

This is just sick and disgusting. 

[healing light]

No more lies.

Lies can hurt more than the truth and trigger rescue complexes. She has already given you an out a few months ago when she said you could tell her if you were someone else. Take it. 

Do not spin any more webs about elaborate diseases, being crippled, etc. That is just disgraceful and a one way ticket to her hating you should you involve that and then have to come clean later. 

Send her your pictures today so that she can decide whether she still wants to accept the situation. Stop dragging out her pain by making her think it has something to do with some other factor that then has her playing the "pick me! see me!" dance.

[Steph92]

You seem to be avoiding the questions regarding how you view your own appearance. So you rate her a 7, what do you rate yourself? It's concerning that you think she will feel better with this ending due to you being crippled or have a terrible disease rather than her knowing what you actually look like.

Edited May 13, 2020 by Steph92

[thomas131313]

3 minutes ago, Steph92 said:

You seem to be avoiding the questions regarding how you view your own appearance. So you rate her a 7, what do you rate yourself? It's concerning that you think she will feel better with this ending due to you being crippled or have a terrible disease rather than her knowing what you actually look like.

I think it is because like the others have said im scared of being rejected by her even if she did say she still wants to be with me. she is pretty good looking with no make up a 7 but with make up an 8. i would rate my self a couple points to even a few points below her. shes better looking than me

[thomas131313]

13 minutes ago, healing light said:

She has already given you an out a few months ago when she said you could tell her if you were someone else. Take it.

 

 

why do you think she said this? did she really mean it, or was it from a stance of desperation trying to get me to meet her? after a couple months of talking to her is when she also started to say my looks is just a bonus and its not the reason she loves me and what not. also you have to think that i like her too and if i do tell her the truth and she doesnt do what she said, then i dont want that, but if she still wants to know me as like friends or something that might be ok i guess

[healing light]

Obviously she was starting to suspect something was off in order to say that (and given that she goes on cam for you but you won't for her, that's not surprising). I don't think anyone can make any guarantees that they'll still find someone attractive if you've never seen them, but some people have much more relaxed standards of what they're attracted to than others, especially if there is an emotional bond already. For myself, someone can be a 10/10 but if their personality sucks, it won't translate into sexual attraction for me. Someone else could have a small spark for me but their personality can make them greatly attractive in my eyes to the point where I wonder how I didn't find them sexier in the beginning. If there's no spark at all then the possibility for friendship remains if we click in other ways.

This is why it's so important to come clean and be as honest as possible with her if you want any kind of real relationship or friendship with her. The more you put her through hell by dragging this out, deflecting the truth by calling her superficial, and lying to her, the less incentive she will have to be understanding of this situation. Just tell her the truth already so she can decide what she wants from you and both of you guys can move your lives forward from this messy situation.

Edited May 14, 2020 by healing light

[thomas131313]

40 minutes ago, healing light said:

Obviously she was starting to suspect something was off in order to say that (and given that she goes on cam for you but you won't for her, that's not surprising). I don't think anyone can make any guarantees that they'll still find someone attractive if you've never seen them, but some people have much more relaxed standards of what they're attracted to than others, especially if there is an emotional bond already. For myself, someone can be a 10/10 but if their personality sucks, it won't translate into sexual attraction for me. Someone else could have a small spark for me but their personality can make them greatly attractive in my eyes to the point where I wonder how I didn't find them sexier in the beginning. If there's no spark at all then the possibility for friendship remains if we click in other ways.

This is why it's so important to come clean and be as honest as possible with her if you want any kind of real relationship or friendship with her. The more you put her through hell by dragging this out, deflecting the truth by calling her superficial, and lying to her, the less incentive she will have to be understanding of this situation. Just tell her the truth already so she can decide what she wants from you and both of you guys can move your lives forward from this messy situation.

She said that before she ever started going on cam for me

[thomas131313]

2 hours ago, healing light said:

Obviously she was starting to suspect something was off in order to say that (and given that she goes on cam for you but you won't for her, that's not surprising). I don't think anyone can make any guarantees that they'll still find someone attractive if you've never seen them, but some people have much more relaxed standards of what they're attracted to than others, especially if there is an emotional bond already. For myself, someone can be a 10/10 but if their personality sucks, it won't translate into sexual attraction for me. Someone else could have a small spark for me but their personality can make them greatly attractive in my eyes to the point where I wonder how I didn't find them sexier in the beginning. If there's no spark at all then the possibility for friendship remains if we click in other ways.

This is why it's so important to come clean and be as honest as possible with her if you want any kind of real relationship or friendship with her. The more you put her through hell by dragging this out, deflecting the truth by calling her superficial, and lying to her, the less incentive she will have to be understanding of this situation. Just tell her the truth already so she can decide what she wants from you and both of you guys can move your lives forward from this messy situation.

i think if i tell her the truth and come clean she is going to reject me, and i dont want to be rejected by her. i would rather be the one rejecting her as bad as that sounds but i dont want that either. we talked about if she has any self worth issues and shes right in that she doesnt, shes been real with me and shown me who she is pretty much seen everything and im still here and she said i would have been long gone since ive seen everything and if i didnt like her so i dont think doing this is playing with her self worth but i dont know

[healing light]

The situation as IS is not sustainable long-term. Your telling her sooner rather than later does lessen the hurt for her. If she doesn't end up being attracted, you will have wasted months as opposed to years of her life. If she does end up being attracted and decides to forgive you for this, then you can start a real relationship together. There is no way to "win" this by prolonging the inevitable.

And trust me, relationships that don't fully fulfill your needs can easily lead to someone doubting themselves even if their confidence was initially high. You putting off meeting or having a real relationship with her will translate into a form of rejection and have her wondering what's wrong with herself that she's not good enough to be embraced in real life. If it wasn't bringing out insecurities, she would have already walked from this because someone with healthy self-esteem would not stick around when something seems off before a relationship ever really gets off the ground.

[ExpatInItaly]

What do your friends and family make of this, OP?

 

[thomas131313]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What do your friends and family make of this, OP?

 

they dont know. this is not a normal situation ive actually thought of asking a family member about what they would do. whenever this girl talks about how if i screw her over or dont want to be with her she will never be able to trust or put faith in another human being ever again after she put so much in me makes me cringe inside

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

they dont know. this is not a normal situation ive actually thought of asking a family member about what they would do. whenever this girl talks about how if i screw her over or dont want to be with her she will never be able to trust or put faith in another human being ever again after she put so much in me makes me cringe inside

Then why do you continue to sit on your hands and do nothing?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

they dont know. this is not a normal situation ive actually thought of asking a family member about what they would do. whenever this girl talks about how if i screw her over or dont want to be with her she will never be able to trust or put faith in another human being ever again after she put so much in me makes me cringe inside

You don’t tell your family because you know it won’t reflect well on you and you don’t want them to know.

Perhaps it makes you cringe, but not enough to Get you to stop misleading this woman. 

And for goodness sake, don’t tell the woman you are crippled - nobody has used that word since the 1960’s...🙈

[preraph]

Because he's a chronic liar who only cares about himself and his own feelings. He doesn't care about her feelings. He only cares about his if he's rejected, which he will be.

[ShyViolet]

16 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

i think if i tell her the truth and come clean she is going to reject me, and i dont want to be rejected by her. i would rather be the one rejecting her as bad as that sounds but i dont want that either. 

THIS is messed up.  This shows that you don't care about her at all.  If she's in a relationships with you, she has a right to know the truth about you.  And once she knows that truth, she has the right to make her own decision as to whether to be with you.  By continuing to lie to her, you are violating that right.  You can't love someone when you are denying them the right to make their own decision about whether they would be with you, if they knew the truth about you.  You are disrespectful and immoral.