I sent pictures of someone else to a girl who has now fallen in love with me and wants to meet me in person

[Emilie Jolie]

Well I personally suggest you walk away altogether but yeah, at a minimum, let her deal with this on her own, so she fully grasps everything that's been happening to her in the last 4 months. She really needs a period of adjustment at the very least. 

[Realitysux]

Give her time, if she cares about you then she will get over it. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

You can forgive someone as in not hold hatred towards them.   But that doesn't mean that you've let the pain go or will give them another chance.

[basil67]

Thomas, you need to stop analysing her words.  She's angry and hurt and grieving what she thought was something special - and as a result, she's doing word vomit at you.   There is no saying how this will go until she's processed it all.    The fact that she may be open to getting to know you again now doesn't mean she will feel the same way in a few weeks.   

[ExpatInItaly]

The likelihood of this somehow turning into a long-lasting, healthy and mature relationship is just about nil. 

Neither of you possesses the skills needed for that at this point in your lives. 

 

[Emilie Jolie]

Mate. She is literally asking you to let her go. For her peace of mind, do this for her. Let her go through the motions of her grieving process on her own.

It's actually heartwrenching reading those messages and honestly, on top of everything else, you are breaking her privacy further by publishing her inner thoughts at a difficult time for her onto an open forum for anyone to read. Even that lacks compassion and thoughtfulness. I don't even know her and I'm super moved by her messages. 

 

[thomas131313]

7 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Mate. She is literally asking you to let her go. For her peace of mind, do this for her. Let her go through the motions of her grieving process on her own.

It's actually heartwrenching reading those messages and honestly, on top of everything else, you are breaking her privacy further by publishing her inner thoughts at a difficult time for her onto an open forum for anyone to read. Even that lacks compassion and thoughtfulness. I don't even know her and I'm super moved by her messages. 

 

can you explain how she is asking that? i do agree that she is back and forth on alot of stuff but i dont know what to think. i think its so much for her to get over, not just the betrayal and lies and with her family, but then also not really being that attracted to me that even if she could get over the lies and betrayal, its another thing to get over my appearance. if i was a good looking guy that she was attracted to she still might not be able to get over the lies, but i dont know. i do think she loves me and cares about me but she also cared about her ex that she was with for 4 years and she left him. i dont see how this could ever work either and i do think ive been trying to not get my hopes up for many reasons and also trying to become less emotionally attached. why is she so back and forth? she obviously has lots of emotions. also she is saying that she has never been this open and honest with anybody and that she has never felt this connection with anybody before and she doesnt know if she ever will again, that would be a big loss for her too. shes also scared because it took her a very long time to get over a few other situations in her life and none of them were close to this level of connection so shes not sure how she could get over this one

Edited May 22, 2020 by thomas131313

[Emilie Jolie]

She's all over the place. This is a major clue for you to step back. She also told you if you did care for her, you'd jeopardise whatever you think you have for her wellbeing.  

You can't fix this now. Only time will, and she needs plenty of it. Stop communicating with her. You apologised, now let her breathe.

Even if it's difficult for you as well, even if you have feelings too and are somewhat invested, the kind thing to do would be to give her time.

Edited May 22, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[thomas131313]

2 minutes ago, Emilie Jolie said:

She's all over the place. This is a major clue for you to step back. She also told you if you did care for her, you'd jeopardise whatever you think you have for her wellbeing.  

You can't fix this now. Only time will, and she needs plenty of it. Stop communicating with. You apologised, now let her breathe.

well she still wants to talk to me thats the thing, she was literally trying to create a visual of me and stuff. what am i supposed to tell her? we have been talking less but she said its really hard dealing with this all and talking to me about it all and caring about me so much i guess

Edited May 22, 2020 by thomas131313

[Emilie Jolie]

She's not doing well, thomas. That's the bottom line. Be the better guy and leave her to 'visualise' the actual situation without your input. She won't need that pressure. She needs clarity and distance now.

Edited May 22, 2020 by Emilie Jolie

[miranda561]

16 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

well this is not good. she is saying she has to grieve the situations in different sections. she has to grieve the fake me as he were a person because she feels that loss. before she can accept other parts she needs to lose that person and all the experiences and memories tied to that person. she said its hard to talk to me about it because its obviously hurtful to hear. she said that is who i created and who she fell in love with and she needs to bury that. she said i was in the drivers seat the entire time and controlling it like a puppet master and i created a really beautiful fantasy and stuff. now she said 

I guess I'm just scared
That grieving and burying the parts that have scared me and hurt me to the core
Will need me to walk away 100%
I'm just scared of letting go of what was
Because I'm not sure how what is will work out
I just feel a bit paralyzed
And I'm sorry I'm not trying to be hurtful
But these are real fears
And it's a real situation
And it's pain
And anger
And loss of trust
I wish I could not have to talk to you about it honestly
Because it's about you 

That's what I'm trying to explain
Right now I'm just scared
That the soul work I need to do in order to break the fantasy and grieve that
Also deal with the hurt and betrayal
And embarrassment I felt from my family and lack of support from them on this
Will cut the string so to speak

It's hard to fully explain

I'm not saying that's what will happen
I'm just saying I'm scared
I'm scared to let go
I'm scared to move forward
I'm just scared  

I think you need to apologise profusely for doing what you did. But in no way is this a foundation for anything to ever progress. Its best you both exit each others lives.

 

 

[miranda561]

On 5/20/2020 at 8:38 PM, preraph said:

If a person has good sense, they know not to get mixed up with a proven liar. I mean that's about the worst character trait you can have for being in a relationship. I could see some little immature teenager overlooking it, but only until she wised up.

She seems young and immature so she may go back to him regardless 

[miranda561]

20 minutes ago, thomas131313 said:

well she still wants to talk to me thats the thing, she was literally trying to create a visual of me and stuff. what am i supposed to tell her? we have been talking less but she said its really hard dealing with this all and talking to me about it all and caring about me so much i guess

What  are you going to do? 

Or what do you ultimately want from her?

I just really think you need help and she needs space and time to heal. 

[preraph]

Once trust is destroyed like this, she will eventually come to realize that there's no getting around it.

[thomas131313]

She is big about honesty too, she was talking about that yesterday, and she would talk about that all the time even before she knew it was a lie, and before she found out about the lie she would always say if theres anything that she finds out about later that i lied about it will be hard for her to get over it. i wish i would have told her the truth as i was about too a few days before she found out i guess

[Emilie Jolie]

It's not just about the lie, though. The way she found out would have meant very difficult conversations with her family, who are obviously concerned for her welfare. There's lots of stuff she needs to get her head around - not just you.

[thomas131313]

1 minute ago, Emilie Jolie said:

It's not just about the lie, though. The way she found out would have meant very difficult conversations with her family, who are obviously concerned for her welfare. There's lots of stuff she needs to get her head around - not just you.

Not listening to people here fast enough could have cost me this, and wow i dont think i can accept that. had i told her the truth when i was going to literally a few days before she found out atleast she would have known i told her. I do think trust can sometimes be remade but im not sure. she has told me that many times in the past few days about her family and thats one of the biggest issues too shes extremely embarrassed about everything with her family and obviously her family has invested interests like she said. her family is going to try to convince her about things about me obviously

[amaysngrace]

Her family will never like you, especially her father. 

[The Outlaw]

Just let her go. Damage is done. 

[thomas131313]

thats what she said her family is really not open to it. i lied to her for 5 months. also her family doesnt know that we met. i feel pretty weird after meeting her, not that i lied to her but it just feels a bit weird talking to her now when she knows who i am, similar to what she has said about me being me or the other me. i put on this lie for so long and while it was mostly me and truthful its still a bit weird i have to say

[K.K.]

Funny part is she’s still talking to you though. Huh? When she could have easily just told you to get bent by now. She’s not only talking ... she’s writing you wayyyy dramatic explanations of how you ruined her... and yet...here she is..  still talking. Makes ya wonder ya know .. .why? Hmmmmm? 

[thomas131313]

40 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Funny part is she’s still talking to you though. Huh? When she could have easily just told you to get bent by now. She’s not only talking ... she’s writing you wayyyy dramatic explanations of how you ruined her... and yet...here she is..  still talking. Makes ya wonder ya know .. .why? Hmmmmm? 

any guesses? and not only talking but trying to visualize me with my pictures and stuff. she even said she was happier when we were doing that yesterday and not crying or anything but then she went back to the other stuff. she said she still loves me and cares about me so i dont know also the connection we have is her biggest one shes ever had could be a few reasons. she thinks that i am a good person also even if i made a terrible mistake. she said she will need therapy to see me different than she does now. she said yesterday everytime she feels like she is getting better and she talks to me then she looks at the situation again and it burns again for different reasons. one thing she always goes back to is that she didnt want to fall in love because she was scared to get hurt and that i pushed her and pushed her and pushed her, but how can she really blame me for this fully? can you really push someone to love you? she said the biggest betrayal is when she opened herself up raw i kept going with the lie and let her do it i let her fall in love with a lie and that is what she will have the hardest time accepting. if i loved her so much how could i do that to her she said. she said she needs to not be afraid of me ever biting her again to ever trust me. she said if i was an a**h*** and it was all a lie it would be easier to deal with but the fact that im a kind and loving person makes it harder. she said yesterday the fantasy was about all of it the full meal deal and shes scared she wont be able to see me like that. she said the fantasy was that it was all true and not based on a major lie and betrayal. i was honest with her too yesterday i told her if she cant see me like that and how she wants to see me then i guess i wouldnt be her person. im giving her as much time and space as i can

Edited May 22, 2020 by thomas131313

[K.K.]

Just now, thomas131313 said:

any guesses? 

Yep. She’s talking to you still because she wants to. And you’re right! You weren’t in this alone. She made you (a stranger basically) her whollleeeee world. That’s on her. Even if you would’ve sent her the correct picture, she still would’ve been this overly frenzied in love with you. Now she’s trying to figure out how to make you pay enough so that she can carry on with you. If not, she would’ve just stopped talking by now. Yes, I know you lied to her and it was wrong. But she’s not completely innocent here either. She made you her whole world without even knowing you. It’s all like one big lifetime movie. And now you have the family hatin on you angle. I mean sht, it’s like Romeo and Juliet stuff now. The question is, sooner or later you’re going to get tired of being told what an ass you are and then what? 

On one hand, she has this guy who is still the guy she was talking to. She’s still in ‘love’. On the other hand she’s trying to save face and punish you enough for her to be satisfied so that she can still carry on with you. 

One unknown stranger with a different face that you wanted to have sex with is better than no man in the bush, ya feel me? 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, thomas131313 said:

 how can she really blame me for this fully? 

Because it's her right to be able to process this in whatever way works for her.  She was certainly naive to trust that you were who you said you were, but you were the one who committed a gross act of deception.   If we're comparing fault here, about 90% of fault sits on you and she's well within her rights to blame you.

[BaileyB]

Oh, my goodness... I can’t read these long drawn out posts. They are so mellow dramatic and so - middle school.

I agree with the others, the chances that this will develop into a healthy and mature relationship are nil. You both have a lot of maturing to do before that can happen...