Contact again or not? The temptation is oddly becoming strong to try and reach out to her again

[Fletch Lives]

Well, you have a couple of red flags here - you were both high, and she's got excess emotional baggage. Everyone has baggage to varying degrees, but some have too much to be a catch. If you want a good relationship, date somebody who is sane.

[elaine567]

Texting/calling at ungodly hours rarely means anything.
People come home from being out or have had a drink at home  or just can't sleep and feel the need to reach out to someone, often anyone...
Yes she texted you, but that may have been a mistake or she could have sent loads of texts to all her mates looking for a reaction.
Who knows what she was thinking but she soon put you straight and her answers to you were not enthusiastic, which underlined the idea that her 2:30 text was insignificant. 

[Ami1uwant]

All I can think of....

 

1 she looked at this as a fling with an older guy nsa

2  she might have rough time this after seeing you and decided I don’t want a relationship with someone 15 yrs older.

 

Other factor is her crying. Unsure what exactly it is. There are many possibilities

 

[Emilie Jolie]

I would place zero value in an emotional meltdown while high on weed. 

5 hours ago, triple-s said:

I was on cloud 9 . Seeing her text message made me feel this rushing sense of relief --- she does care ! ... or does she ??!?!?!

No. You knew that already because you'd decided to cut all contact.

What she didn't do is tell you explicitly that she was not interested in you; that's on her.

Instead of making it about her past RLs or her workload or whatever, she should have told you straight up 'hey triple-s, we had fun back in Montreal but this is going nowhere romantically because I'm not attracted to you, however I would be happy to continue a social media friendship'. She thought you'd be able to take the hint, which is more a reflection of her lack of maturity than anything bad that you have done. Lesson learned for next time: anything but an enthusiastic yes to meeting up is a veiled no.

 

Sorry triple-s.

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

1 she looked at this as a fling with an older guy nsa

They didn't hook up.
He flirted, she didn't take the bait.
Once he went home, she kept batting off any suggestion to meet up.

[rjc149]

First and foremost, I'm not going to go on an anti-drug diatribe, but a 40-year old guy getting high with a 25-year old screams immaturity. Not to mention, mind-altering intoxicants rob a man of his emotional self-control, and ability to behave rationally and with dignity -- ie. attractively. As is the case here. 

The age difference can work when the younger woman is pursuing the older, more established, more mature and paternal alpha man. Which is not the case here. The older man taking bong rips with the younger girl and then trying to make moves on her is not hot. 

Age difference and drug use aside, sounds to me like you were being very needy, beta and unassertive -- "I really like you and I wanna get to know you" -- which you repeated over and over again in your haze -- this will turn any girl off and even creep her out, regardless of your age or state of intoxication. 

She made clear that she is not interested. She blew you off twice. [edit: no, THREE times] She was not subtle or underhanded about it. Her message was delivered. When it comes to women, 1 strike usually means you're out -- you need a fourth? 

Attractive women thrive on male validation and often need an army of orbiters and admirers to feel worthy. She was simply attempting to recruit you. Unless she asks you substantive questions or is clearly trying to start a dialogue, any contact she makes is casting a hook to string you along. Don't take the bait. 

No contact brother. Take your dignity back. Do not, for any reason, contact her again. If she contacts you again, either ignore her, or indifferently blow her off. Focus on pursuing women closer to you in age. And getting drunk or high around women you are trying to attract is a bad move. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by rjc149

[Gr8fuln2020]

She strikes me as someone who knows what she has to offer and men stumble all over the place. I'm sure she gets plenty of attention and a 40-something is just another boy(man)-toy. OP, she is, at best, unstable. How do you know that she is not a narcissist? You spent a couple of days with her. 

There was a lot wrong about your meeting with her. High. Hard to tell what people intoxicated are really feeling (or doing at times). Her reaction is an indication of such...

How did you two meet?

If she doesn't trust men and doesn't want to be in a relationship, why did she meet you and spend all that time with you? 

Who paid for the meals? MJ?

[triple-s]

6 hours ago, contel3 said:

You didn't do anything wrong. This woman is traumatised for some reason and is acting irrationally.

If its impacting you emotionally this much I would suggest you go no contact. 

Yes . ive noticed over the past 48 hours ; its constantly on my mind , im losing sleep , loss of appetite . This temptation to message her again on facebook . Thank you for the encouragement

[triple-s]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You are far too old for her.

 i disagree with you on this . Women have dated / married men 10-15 years older . My grandmother was in fact 10 years younger than my grandfather . Nothing wrong with that . Its all in the mindset . Age aint nothing but a number . If you saw me in person you would not think i am my age ( as do my coworkers, friends) i could pass for 25-30 and get carded EVERYWHERE . even buying lottery tickets .

I am not sure the context of your original meet up, but it sounds like she wasn't interested even then

There was a marathon / mountain climbing / hike fund raiser that was happening that week in Montreal . There was 30 people in our group and she was one of them . I met her online within the forum/group chats prior but there was no prior motives to hook up romantically .  Outdoor activities . We CLICKED in person and we hung out a lot …

 
When people reject you, you need to listen to them.Interested people act interested.

Agree with you on this 1000% ...

They don't tell you they never want to be in a relationship again, nor are they too busy to see you., nor do they say "You'll never see me again" 
Women in general try to be polite..
She was being very clear, without actually telling you to get lost.
You just didn't take the hint
You projected your feelings on to her, you cared therefore she cared, it doesn't work like that.  

Right . Actions speak louder than words

She had to finally resort to no contact in order to get rid of you .
 

but it was me who left her on read . I was the one who stopped contacting her .


 

 

[triple-s]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

I remember when you wrote about her recently and said that you'd stop messaging her.  Well done for sticking to your guns - please don't reach out again. 

LOL . Yes I have stopped and i have not messaged at all . You have my word . but like i said ... something is making me want to message her again ...

What did you do wrong?   You didn't listen to her from the very start telling her that she wasn't interested.  Rather, you confused every bit of friendly contact as being more than friendly.   And no, it's not because of trauma, it's because she doesn't have any tingles for you.   

Honestly why doesnt she just delete me or block me . ? There was a time years ago the tables were reversed . This lady was interested in me . Texting me constantly and even had me on facebook and i was 1000% certain i did not want anything from this woman .

What did i do ? I told her straight up sorry im not interested . And i even went and blocked her on facebook JUST SO SHE CAN MOVE ON . It was dickish but i would rather this lady not get strung up ....

 

 

[triple-s]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This exactly. 

She was bored and wanted her ego stroked. She doesn't have a serious interest in you, though. There's zero point in trying to make something out of this; she doesn't feel the same way you do. 

 

Kind of a dick move dont you think ? 

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

How many times does she have to tell you NO before you understand? 

I know ... 3 strikes , no contact . Im just fooling myself at this point . i think im just infatuated with someone who is not available ( the chase ) ... I really need to get my act together . This is unhealthy and i want this feeling to stop

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Well, you have a couple of red flags here - you were both high, and she's got excess emotional baggage. Everyone has baggage to varying degrees, but some have too much to be a catch. If you want a good relationship, date somebody who is sane.

Getting High was her idea . I just went along with it and little did I know she had excess baggage to that extent .

But yeah , perhaps that was already a sign . a warning that she aint the one

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Texting/calling at ungodly hours rarely means anything.
People come home from being out or have had a drink at home  or just can't sleep and feel the need to reach out to someone, often anyone...
Yes she texted you, but that may have been a mistake or she could have sent loads of texts to all her mates looking for a reaction.
Who knows what she was thinking but she soon put you straight and her answers to you were not enthusiastic, which underlined the idea that her 2:30 text was insignificant. 

Why lead someone on to think there was interest ? I find that such a dickish thing to do to somoene ....

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

All I can think of....

 

1 she looked at this as a fling with an older guy nsa

2  she might have rough time this after seeing you and decided I don’t want a relationship with someone 15 yrs older.

 

Other factor is her crying. Unsure what exactly it is. There are many possibilities

 

yeah bro ... being high when she started crying when i told her i liked her . WHOA .  i was tripping out .

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

I would place zero value in an emotional meltdown while high on weed. 

It was her idea ... im not a pot smoker / I have never rolled a joint in my life !

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

No. You knew that already because you'd decided to cut all contact. What she didn't do is tell you explicitly that she was not interested in you; that's on her.

Im trying to rationalize and understand  why i am hellbent on chasing her .. is it because she says shes single ??? most beautiful women are usually taken and is in a commited relationship- -- perhaps my mind is telling me ' dont lose this one ' by chasing her more ....

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Instead of making it about her past RLs or her workload or whatever, she should have told you straight up 'hey triple-s, we had fun back in Montreal but this is going nowhere romantically because I'm not attracted to you, however I would be happy to continue a social media friendship'. She thought you'd be able to take the hint, which is more a reflection of her lack of maturity than anything bad that you have done. Lesson learned for next time: anything but an enthusiastic yes to meeting up is a veiled no.

Ive done that to someone many years ago . I simply flat out , straight up said to her im not interested . even went to the extent of blocking her just to get the hint . This one after so many tries to ask her out again to see her .. she never blocked me . left the door open.

3 hours ago, Emilie Jolie said:

Sorry triple-s.

SMH . thank you Emilie for the feedback

[triple-s]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

First and foremost, I'm not going to go on an anti-drug diatribe, but a 40-year old guy getting high with a 25-year old screams immaturity. Not to mention, mind-altering intoxicants rob a man of his emotional self-control, and ability to behave rationally and with dignity -- ie. attractively. As is the case here. 

Like i said in my previous posts ; im not a pot smoker and ive never even rolled a joint in my life . I find smoking MJ overrated . the smell makes me nautious as a matter of fact . Occassionally, socially if its there ; sure ill take a puff here and there . but you will never see me line up at those dispensaries or be taking time away to buy MJ.

it was her idea  ( in case you didnt see my other post ; i was in montrael for an climbing/marathon event )   . She asked me if i wanted to get high with her at the park so i figured sure ... WHAT CAN GO WRONG ...

( apparently everything SMH ) 

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

The age difference can work when the younger woman is pursuing the older, more established, more mature and paternal alpha man. Which is not the case here. The older man taking bong rips with the younger girl and then trying to make moves on her is not hot. 

Agreed . I should have just declined it . I did it merely out of context that would maybe make her feel comfortable if we were BOTH high ... ( it was good weed too ; nice buzz )

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Age difference and drug use aside, sounds to me like you were being very needy, beta and unassertive -- "I really like you and I wanna get to know you" -- which you repeated over and over again in your haze -- this will turn any girl off and even creep her out, regardless of your age or state of intoxication. 

Reflecting on this part - YES . I made a huge mistake by even admitting my feelings . Most alpha males just go with the flow . Announcing my feelings to her was something straight out of highschool " will you go out with me ? " ... perhaps the drugs were talking ? Cant change the past now . what happened happened .

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

She made clear that she is not interested. She blew you off twice. [edit: no, THREE times] She was not subtle or underhanded about it. Her message was delivered. When it comes to women, 1 strike usually means you're out -- you need a fourth? 

SMH . yeah . i dont want a fourth or fifth ... OR A RESTRAINING ORDER . Nowwhatimsaying !?!?

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Attractive women thrive on male validation and often need an army of orbiters and admirers to feel worthy. She was simply attempting to recruit you. Unless she asks you substantive questions or is clearly trying to start a dialogue, any contact she makes is casting a hook to string you along. Don't take the bait. 

They do indeed . What I found rather bizzare is most beautiful women for example on instagram THRIVE / LIVE off validation .... she told me she absolutely HATED the attention she got from instagram and even went on to delete her profile ...

But youre absolutely right and i will take note of this -- "  Unless she asks you substantive questions or is clearly trying to start a dialogue " , shes just stringing me along ( i never looked at it that way )

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

No contact brother. Take your dignity back. Do not, for any reason, contact her again. If she contacts you again, either ignore her, or indifferently blow her off. Focus on pursuing women closer to you in age. And getting drunk or high around women you are trying to attract is a bad move. 

RJC .. thank YOU BROTHER . I think your post really made me feel the humility i needed today .I need to work on my alpha game and completely destroy that beta orbiter mentality

Indifference .

thank you .

[triple-s]

To everyone who was kind enough to reply and share your thoughts . THANK YOU ..

First and foremost ; from what ive gathered from all of you —  I will continue to do no contact .

Cutting her off ( block delete ; I only have her on facebook ) seems a bit immature as she did nothing wrong either . I would only cut her off if she was becoming extremely rude or even to the extremities of being abusive . Come to think of it I was all my actions asking her out . Me doing all the initiating .

Moving forward ; she can have all the time she wants but for me perhaps looking at other potential relationships is probably the best solution at this point . She knows I was interested but now ; I have to hold myself accountable and really back off .

((( If one day she clears her mind , … she can find me and reach out if she wishes but it will have to be her from this point on . ))) — ladies and gents ; if you ever see me back on her later on and come back whining again you can USE THIS LINE ON ME to hold me accountable ok ???

All jokes aside and to be totally transparent with you guys … Im at the point of my age where I just want to be with someone, enjoy my experiences , share my life and be happy --- perhaps even one day start a family . Time creeps up on all of us and I can slowly feel it catching up to me .

In 10 years i’ll be 50. I wont be as agile as i am right now nor will i look the same ....

The next 10 years of my life will be the scariest as it will be the only real chance I will get to spark that flame once and for all . During this times of pandemic — Everyone's at home . I can’t help but think … what is she doing ? How come she’s not reaching out to me ? Should i see what shes up to ?? or ?!?!? GAHHHHHH I go for walks daily and from time to time ; I get these urges to reach out and ask what she’s up to … yet my conscience is already telling me not to … Sure, shell reply ( to be polite ) but im almost certain they will be sent to me with no real value or real authentic weight behind her words ….. thus leading me towards another road to nowhere & my biggest fear of a gigantic waste of time.

Hope you all have a pleasant week ! Im going to try and keep myself occupied as best as I can .

Again, with heartfelt acknowledgement — I really appreciate the feedback.

Ty

Edited May 5, 2020 by triple-s

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, triple-s said:

Kind of a dick move dont you think ? 

Yes. Happens all the time when people just want some attention. 

All the more reason to forget about her. 

[Erik30]

4 hours ago, triple-s said:

Cutting her off ( block delete ; I only have her on facebook ) seems a bit immature as she did nothing wrong either . I would only cut her off if she was becoming extremely rude or even to the extremities of being abusive . Come to think of it I was all my actions asking her out . Me doing all the initiating .

You can start with hiding her on Facebook if it's too hard to delete her right now. 

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/5/2020 at 12:48 PM, triple-s said:

To everyone who was kind enough to reply and share your thoughts . THANK YOU ..

First and foremost ; from what ive gathered from all of you —  I will continue to do no contact .

Cutting her off ( block delete ; I only have her on facebook ) seems a bit immature as she did nothing wrong either . I would only cut her off if she was becoming extremely rude or even to the extremities of being abusive . Come to think of it I was all my actions asking her out . Me doing all the initiating .

Moving forward ; she can have all the time she wants but for me perhaps looking at other potential relationships is probably the best solution at this point . She knows I was interested but now ; I have to hold myself accountable and really back off .

((( If one day she clears her mind , … she can find me and reach out if she wishes but it will have to be her from this point on . ))) — ladies and gents ; if you ever see me back on her later on and come back whining again you can USE THIS LINE ON ME to hold me accountable ok ???

All jokes aside and to be totally transparent with you guys … Im at the point of my age where I just want to be with someone, enjoy my experiences , share my life and be happy --- perhaps even one day start a family . Time creeps up on all of us and I can slowly feel it catching up to me .

In 10 years i’ll be 50. I wont be as agile as i am right now nor will i look the same ....

The next 10 years of my life will be the scariest as it will be the only real chance I will get to spark that flame once and for all . During this times of pandemic — Everyone's at home . I can’t help but think … what is she doing ? How come she’s not reaching out to me ? Should i see what shes up to ?? or ?!?!? GAHHHHHH I go for walks daily and from time to time ; I get these urges to reach out and ask what she’s up to … yet my conscience is already telling me not to … Sure, shell reply ( to be polite ) but im almost certain they will be sent to me with no real value or real authentic weight behind her words ….. thus leading me towards another road to nowhere & my biggest fear of a gigantic waste of time.

Hope you all have a pleasant week ! Im going to try and keep myself occupied as best as I can .

Again, with heartfelt acknowledgement — I really appreciate the feedback.

Ty

 

 

I get it your panicked...

 

try to not chase 20somethings they likely have no desire to get married. Look at those in their early 30s.

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed messy spelling

[triple-s]

1 hour ago, Erik30 said:

You can start with hiding her on Facebook if it's too hard to delete her right now. 

i did already . its the chat window on the right side that pops out that makes it hard . ill log in and BOOM theres her name online.

 

its hidden now .

[triple-s]

9 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

She strikes me as someone who knows what she has to offer and men stumble all over the place. I'm sure she gets plenty of attention and a 40-something is just another boy(man)-toy. OP, she is, at best, unstable. How do you know that she is not a narcissist? You spent a couple of days with her. 

Oh im sure she does . She made a comment once to me saying she gets scared when she turns down men because they think the men will retaliate .

So this obviously aint the first time its happened .

Agreed . She could be . who really knows . I made that assumption because she doesnt seem to be the type to seek validation posting photos online . Shes probably the most beautiful woman ive ever laid eyes on yet she shows no signs of ego by asking for validating ( she even deleted her instagram)

9 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

There was a lot wrong about your meeting with her. High. Hard to tell what people intoxicated are really feeling (or doing at times). Her reaction is an indication of such...

Yes i agree . again it wasnt my idea it was hers . I thought what could go wrong ... apparently everything !!!

9 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

How did you two meet?

Marathon / mt climbing event that week .

9 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

If she doesn't trust men and doesn't want to be in a relationship, why did she meet you and spend all that time with you? 

Who paid for the meals? MJ?

We hung out mainly during the marathon event ... again it was the entire week . we just endded up hanging out closer in the end .

She bought the MJ . I treated her to a nice dinner one evening / i obviously paid for it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So, you are both runners? Both had a common interest and the meeting was not planned. I am confused as to why she would make attempts to get more friendly and think that you would not have more interest. Perhaps she figured in the end that the age gap was more than she wanted to deal with. Let me say that her reaction to you was irrational unless it was entirely the influence of the MJ. Irrational. 

[basil67]

(having trouble with multi quote this morning)

>>Honestly why doesnt she just delete me or block me . ? <<

She doesn't need to block or delete you because you're not messaging her too often or making her feel at risk. 

There was a time years ago the tables were reversed . This lady was interested in me . Texting me constantly and even had me on facebook and i was 1000% certain i did not want anything from this woman .   What did i do ? I told her straight up sorry im not interested . And i even went and blocked her on facebook JUST SO SHE CAN MOVE ON . It was dickish but i would rather this lady not get strung up ....<<

And this time around, the woman in question told you that you would not be seeing each other again.  Could she have been more blunt?  She was happy to have you as a holiday friend to chat with sometimes, but at no point did she lead you on.    

 i disagree with you on this . Women have dated / married men 10-15 years older . My grandmother was in fact 10 years younger than my grandfather . Nothing wrong with that . Its all in the mindset . Age aint nothing but a number . If you saw me in person you would not think i am my age ( as do my coworkers, friends) i could pass for 25-30 and get carded EVERYWHERE . even buying lottery tickets .

Sure, people have married those who are older.  But this doesn't mean everyone will consider it.  When I was 24, I met my now partner who was 31.  I tell you, in my eyes, the 6 year gap was a stretch...but close enough to make it work.  No way would I have considered a 40yo because we would have been at vastly different life stages.  

There was a marathon / mountain climbing / hike fund raiser that was happening that week in Montreal . There was 30 people in our group and she was one of them . I met her online within the forum/group chats prior but there was no prior motives to hook up romantically .  Outdoor activities . We CLICKED in person and we hung out a lot …

Am I correct in my understanding that she is not in your city?   Not only is she not ready for a relationship, but there's the age difference, the locality difference and lack of chemistry on her side to boot.  She only ever saw you as a casual friend.