Contact again or not? The temptation is oddly becoming strong to try and reach out to her again

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 hours ago, triple-s said:

 

re: your grandmother and grandfather...wouldn't that have been 50+ years ago? I don't think it's the same today. I think with your age difference you probably missed a lot of cues with the texting, etc. Life moves a lot faster today than it did decades ago, and yes, there are age difference relationships but bear in mind that today, a younger woman won't just want an older guy because he has a job, she'll want the whole enchilada and (I'm sorry) even when I was 20, 30 years ago, older guys who tried to act younger were a turn off. It made me feel like my uncle was trying to act "I'm cool, I'm hip to it, can ya dig..." Just...cringe...I mean...she KNOWS how old you are. She'll be attracted or not.

I feel like when she gap relationships work out it (and sure they can) it isn't because the older party is smoking out and basically going "look, I'm so cool, I'm mentally your age." 

With that said, though, you guys are just nowhere near a match. She thought for a minute there that it might be sexy for a mature man to be chasing her but you actually didn't act mature. You didn't act worldly, etc. She was turned off.

You didn't "do" anything wrong. Aging is not a criminal offense. She was never going to let you in anyway, but subsequent interaction clinched it, IMO. You did nothing bad or hurtful but a 40-year-old guy who acts like this isn't going to seem sexy. She wanted to play a game, you didn't know the rules and she jetted except for the occasional reach-out for her ego to be stroked.

This was never a match, she was never really interested. It was always a game, she just got p*seed that it didn't end up being as cool a game as she wanted it to be. She threw screaming and crying tantrums but still didn't achieve the high drama I guess she was envisioning with a super sexy ongoing chase so she acted like a child and threw a tantrum. But it doesn't sound like she was ever going to want a thing with you anyway, just a high drama "I'm being chased, I'm so hot" thing.

Move on. FWIW "blocking" her seems immature too...I'd just not answer. Show her she literally isn't even worth the 2 seconds of would take to block her and move on. JMO.

Edited May 6, 2020 by CaliforniaGirl

[triple-s]

17 minutes ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Move on. FWIW "blocking" her seems immature too...I'd just not answer. Show her she literally isn't even worth the 2 seconds of would take to block her and move on. JMO.

Im holding up to what i said and holding myself accountable for my actions moving forward. Youre right though ; the signs are all there and if she was interested it would show.  ; i just didnt want to listen and face the reality of it and perhaps im just wanting to re-live those 5 days i have with her again ... 

.... and thank you for the thought about blocking . its not the answer . The last time someone ( different person ) disrespected me via text , i didnt reply back to them.

I would just leave her left on read . Ive had enough

[CaliforniaGirl]

11 hours ago, triple-s said:

 

Kind of a dick move dont you think ? 

Yeah, but what were you like in your 20s? Kind of immature and clueless. Right?

[triple-s]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Sure, people have married those who are older.  But this doesn't mean everyone will consider it.  When I was 24, I met my now partner who was 31.  I tell you, in my eyes, the 6 year gap was a stretch...but close enough to make it work.  No way would I have considered a 40yo because we would have been at vastly different life stages.  

Right . Not everyone will consider it . There was a time in my life i would never have thought id be interesed in someone younger . It just happened . Youd have to understand if you were in my shoes .

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Am I correct in my understanding that she is not in your city?   Not only is she not ready for a relationship, but there's the age difference, the locality difference and lack of chemistry on her side to boot.  She only ever saw you as a casual friend.

People have long distance relationships ... she once told me she dates older men ( she even went as far as say she was someones sidechick ones ) ... again its a matter of preference here folks . I get what you are all saying about how the odds seem against me . All im trying to determine here is if it was worth trying to spark anything up with this woman

[basil67]

Exactly, it's a matter of preference.  And her preferences need to be respected by you rather than argued against. 

Was it worth trying to spark anything?   Sure, it was worth taking a shot.  But her reaction to you saying that you'd like to get to know her more should have been when you walked away.  And if not that point, you should have given up when she said that you'd never see each other again.   She couldn't have been clearer about there being no future between you. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

15 hours ago, triple-s said:

 i cant barely make out what youre writing ?! Lgrt it your panicked ?

 

Sorry

 

stop dating women in their 20s. They aren’t looking to get married. Look at ones at least 30. 

 

 

[triple-s]

15 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

 

 

stop dating women in their 20s. They aren’t looking to get married. Look at ones at least 30. 

 

 

Uhghhh Who said i was asking to get married ???

too much assumptions and judging in this forum its comical

[rjc149]

On 5/5/2020 at 11:51 AM, triple-s said:

Yes . ive noticed over the past 48 hours ; its constantly on my mind , im losing sleep , loss of appetite . This temptation to message her again on facebook . Thank you for the encouragement

 

On 5/5/2020 at 12:48 PM, triple-s said:

I can’t help but think … what is she doing ? How come she’s not reaching out to me ? Should i see what shes up to ?? or ?!?!? GAHHHHHH I go for walks daily and from time to time ; I get these urges to reach out and ask what she’s up to …

Damn dude. Seriously. Over a girl you smoked some weed with. What, because she's pretty? You gotta see how this is pretty wacky. This is an unhealthy level of projection and obsession here.

Do you smoke weed regularly, or recreationally? Because I remember weed would make me *extremely* introspective and self-conscious, replaying unhealthy thoughts about myself non-stop in my head -- I cut out weed permanently, and strongly advise you do the same. 

 

[triple-s]

8 hours ago, rjc149 said:

 

 

Do you smoke weed regularly, or recreationally? Because I remember weed would make me *extremely* introspective and self-conscious, replaying unhealthy thoughts about myself non-stop in my head -- I cut out weed permanently, and strongly advise you do the same. 

 

 Ive never rolled a joint in a my life and couldnt care less about weed ( it was her idea ) . I strongly advise you read what i wrote before you assume things .

[miranda561]

On 3/25/2020 at 5:04 AM, triple-s said:

Theres this girl im talking with and she knows im interested in her ... So many times ive asked her out she said shes busy with school and i made plans with friends .

Then for a solid month i left her alone .. she reaches out to me out of nowhere at 2:35am and tests me hope the year is good for you so far ?

I messaged her back and she sends me a photo of her in her new work uniform ... and then i proceeded to ask her out ...and to which she replies " youll never see me again " ..

WTF .. okaaaaay

so i asked " why did you text me out of the blue at 2:35am " ... and her reply was " I accidentally liked one of your instagram posts and i was feeling good about myself . nothing more "

so then i tried to call her out and said " you know you say alot of things you dont mean . Your actions never match with your words " ( she always promises shell do things but never does )

Her reply ---- " ok ? "

so that was the moment i stopped contacting her .

its been 3 days and ive been pretty headstrong about my decision ... . anyone got any insight what im dealing with here ? im sick of being trampled on . she knows i like her yet when i leave her alone , she reaches out only to dismiss me ?!?!?!?!? ?

To be honest if you read my post on my thread, im literally that girl or have been accused of playing games. 

Although this one youre talking about is on another level. Shes coming across very narcissistic at the minute.

If i was you i would block and delete. Dont give her any attention or validation. Oh and dont get sucked in by  a pretty face, that is no reason to be treated like crap. 

Edited May 7, 2020 by miranda561

[miranda561]

On 5/6/2020 at 3:58 PM, triple-s said:

Uhghhh Who said i was asking to get married ???

too much assumptions and judging in this forum its comical

Trust me i know what you mean

[miranda561]

On 5/6/2020 at 4:44 AM, basil67 said:

Exactly, it's a matter of preference.  And her preferences need to be respected by you rather than argued against. 

Was it worth trying to spark anything?   Sure, it was worth taking a shot.  But her reaction to you saying that you'd like to get to know her more should have been when you walked away.  And if not that point, you should have given up when she said that you'd never see each other again.   She couldn't have been clearer about there being no future between you. 

 

The girl is just completely rude. Shes not courteous at all.

[miranda561]

On 5/6/2020 at 4:31 AM, triple-s said:

Right . Not everyone will consider it . There was a time in my life i would never have thought id be interesed in someone younger . It just happened . Youd have to understand if you were in my shoes .

People have long distance relationships ... she once told me she dates older men ( she even went as far as say she was someones sidechick ones ) ... again its a matter of preference here folks . I get what you are all saying about how the odds seem against me . All im trying to determine here is if it was worth trying to spark anything up with this woman

She must be a ten the way youre carrying on 😂😂

[basil67]

1 hour ago, miranda561 said:

The girl is just completely rude. Shes not courteous at all.

I don't see rudeness on her part.  Nor do I see the narcissism you previously mentioned.  Sure, I do see previous abuse related trauma where she broke down when he first asked her out, but nothing rude since that.  

Edited May 8, 2020 by basil67

[miranda561]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

I don't see rudeness on her part.  Nor do I see the narcissism you previously mentioned.  Sure, I do see previous abuse related trauma where she broke down when he first asked her out, but nothing rude since that.  

I missed the part where she broke down when he asked her out. 

I do see rudeness and narcissism still. I spent years in contact with a guy im pretty sure was a narcissist so i know how it is. The games, the back and forth, it feels never  ending. 

Replying "ok" to a serious statement  is pretty rude. Its invalidating his thoughts on the situation at hand. 

Being all dramatic and saying you'll never see me again when he mentioned meeting up is also pretty discourteous. Why is she messaging him in the first place. Most definitely an ego boost. As soon as he shows his interest  yet again she shoots him down. Its classic narcissistic behaviour.

Also narcissism can stem from past trauma/abuse. Its not uncommon 

Edited May 8, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miranda561]

I was right about the fact she is a ten in the op's eyes. 

Wow what men do for an attractive  woman 😂😂. Despite all her baggage and toxic behaviour he's hanging on her every word.

I guess above all most men just care about appearances

[Ami1uwant]

On 5/6/2020 at 9:37 PM, triple-s said:

 Ive never rolled a joint in a my life and couldnt care less about weed ( it was her idea ) . I strongly advise you read what i wrote before you assume things .

 

She knows you are 40 and she is 25

its not rocket science to look at something long term possibility vs bring a weekend fling.

 

she may viewed it as something fun and nothing serious or later after seeing you she thought about this and didn’t want and deal with being a trophy, someone older with little in common, someone at 40 unmarried and likely looking to get married soon and start a family.

[elaine567]

On 5/6/2020 at 12:45 AM, basil67 said:

Am I correct in my understanding that she is not in your city?   Not only is she not ready for a relationship, but there's the age difference, the locality difference and lack of chemistry on her side to boot.  She only ever saw you as a casual friend.

I agree.
That is the problem here.
There was no romance, it was all in the OPs head.
She is being friendly, he thinks he is in with a chance but that was never on the cards.
This was an activity event in Montreal, not a romantic tryst.
Like so many in out of town events people pair up with some like-minded and safe soul.
BUT there was nothing there apart from in his mind.
Back home she answers when he initiates but there is nothing there...
She kept refusing to meet up.
Once he gives up, she disappears...
Not even a friend, a casual acquaintance.   

[basil67]

4 hours ago, miranda561 said:

Replying "ok" to a serious statement  is pretty rude. Its invalidating his thoughts on the situation at hand. 

Being all dramatic and saying you'll never see me again when he mentioned meeting up is also pretty discourteous. Why is she messaging him in the first place. Most definitely an ego boost. As soon as he shows his interest  yet again she shoots him down.

 

The OP started the rudeness in his approach to the problem.  He used horrible phrasing with blame words and criticising her behaviour - over text nonetheless!    I don't think that approach to a problem deserved anything more than an OK.   Had he made a call and said "I feel confused when your actions and words don't always match" she may have responded more kindly.  

She wasn't being dramatic when she said they'd never see each other again, she was being extremely clear with her boundaries after he ignored what she previously said.  And even this level of bluntness didn't get through to him that she had no romantic interest.   As far as her messaging him, why would a 25yo need an ego boost from an old guy?  Surely she'd get her ego boosts from some young hottie.  She was more likely just having a bit of casual chat and thought that he still respected that she'd there would be no relationship.  

As far as judgement goes, I remember being pretty clueless at 25 and not knowing how my actions regarding relationships/friendships could be perceived - hence me not blaming her.  The OP however should be old enough to listen to her boundaries and take them seriously.

Edited May 8, 2020 by basil67

[miranda561]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

The OP started the rudeness in his approach to the problem.  He used horrible phrasing with blame words and criticising her behaviour - over text nonetheless!    I don't think that approach to a problem deserved anything more than an OK.   Had he made a call and said "I feel confused when your actions and words don't always match" she may have responded more kindly.  

She wasn't being dramatic when she said they'd never see each other again, she was being extremely clear with her boundaries after he ignored what she previously said.  And even this level of bluntness didn't get through to him that she had no romantic interest.   As far as her messaging him, why would a 25yo need an ego boost from an old guy?  Surely she'd get her ego boosts from some young hottie.  She was more likely just having a bit of casual chat and thought that he still respected that she'd there would be no relationship.  

As far as judgement goes, I remember being pretty clueless at 25 and not knowing how my actions regarding relationships/friendships could be perceived - hence me not blaming her.  The OP however should be old enough to listen to her boundaries and take them seriously.

Horrible phrasing? Wth. 😂 all he said was her words and actions don't match which is fair enough. 

Its open to interpretation but she sounds pretty dramatic to me. He said he left her alone for a month..and then SHE initiated contact first. My point is why initiate contact in the first place. If she really doesnt like him. Leave him alone. 

What i said was she needed/wanted an ego boost. Theres literally no other reason. To reach out after a month no contact is pretty weird to me. Especially as youre pretty much implying shes repulsed by him. Sometimes people don't  care where they get attention from a young guy/older guy. She is just  a tease at this point. 

25 is old enough not to be that clueless im sorry. Shes not a five year old to not know that a guy who is quite clearly infatuated with her is not going to try his luck again. so its  her mistake for contacting  him in the first place.

I mean im in her age bracket and i know not to bother guys who are clearly interested in me while the feeling isnt mutual. 🤷‍♀️

Having said all that  though, he needs to understand from now on its not going to happen. But she also needs to stop the contact 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by miranda561

[basil67]

38 minutes ago, miranda561 said:

Horrible phrasing? Wth. 😂 all he said was her words and actions don't match which is fair enough. 

 

No, it was the 'You this and You that' which was the problem in his statement.  It's the kind of approach which puts someone on the defensive and this is never a good way to address a problem.  Have you heard about "I statements"?   They are a really good way to approach a problem without putting the other on the defensive.   Note that in the way I reworded it a few posts ago, I still addressed the words and actions not matching but took away the accusing/blame words.

another example:   You are such a slob. You just expect me to clean up after you (will put the person on the defensive) vs I feel overwhelmed with all the stuff laying around the house (will engage the other person)

[Juha]

23 hours ago, miranda561 said:

I missed the part where she broke down when he asked her out. 

I do see rudeness and narcissism still. I spent years in contact with a guy im pretty sure was a narcissist so i know how it is. The games, the back and forth, it feels never  ending. 

Replying "ok" to a serious statement  is pretty rude. Its invalidating his thoughts on the situation at hand. 

Being all dramatic and saying you'll never see me again when he mentioned meeting up is also pretty discourteous. Why is she messaging him in the first place. Most definitely an ego boost. As soon as he shows his interest  yet again she shoots him down. Its classic narcissistic behaviour.

Also narcissism can stem from past trauma/abuse. Its not uncommon 

This woman is 100% a narcissist!  Have actually dated/tried to date some who acted just like her but she is worse than the ones I have dated

She does not even try to conceal it...  

[miranda561]

4 hours ago, Juha said:

This woman is 100% a narcissist!  Have actually dated/tried to date some who acted just like her but she is worse than the ones I have dated

She does not even try to conceal it...  

At least you agree.

There are so many narcs around. 

Very irritating  they are. They have no regard for anyone but themselves

[IndigoNight]

How many serious relationships have you been in? Next time,  you might want to slow down until you know if the feeling is mutual. As for this gal,  she's just not that into you. 

Have you considered trying a few sessions of IC? Your reaction to this situation is pretty extreme; considering even after months of no contract you are still feeling distress about the situation. Liking someone shouldn't cause you so much stress!

While I understand the appeal of a hot 20 something,  you might want someone slightly older.  If my 20 something daughter I introduced me to her first thought would be,  "he's a dirty old man!" My next thought world be,  "what in the #$%@ is she thinking!?!"

You could be the nicest guy in the world, and it wouldn't matter to me even a little.  I may grow to like you over time,  but I remember what older men were interested in when I was a 20 something. Times haven't changed much in  20+ years. Very few parents are tolerant of a new partner they think could be using their child in a negative way, especially when you date someone so young.

  Dont block her.  Delete her.  She isn't your friend

 She isn't sharing a thing she wants you're opinion on.  

It causes you WAY too much emotional energy to even think about the minuscule chance that she will reach out. Go buy a lottery ticket.  When you win mega millions in the jackpot, she might contact you. 

Just delete her, and move on with your life. 

Next time, if you aren't sure about how your date feels,  ASK HER. Trust me,  most women are happy to share that information with you. 

Now, delete her! 

I know it's hard, but are you enjoying the mental and emotional torture you're putting yourself through, for the past year plus? 

You talked about living your best life possible,  okay,  then sever the last remnants of what is causing you so much distress. It's holding  you back emotionally mentally,  and physically.  Only YOU can put a stop to the situation once and for all. 

Love yourself first. 

 

Edited May 26, 2020 by IndigoNight

[Cookiesandough]

I don’t understand why you would reach out to someone so obviously not interested... 

 

Trying the same thing , expecting a different result 

 

It’s inexplicable to me... in the same way that kids toothpaste generally tastes so much better than adults.  Why? Just put the same bubblegum flavoring in it...

Edited May 27, 2020 by Cookiesandough