I lost my cool and got rejected. Will she come back

[rkennedynl]

I've been dating this girl for two months and things were going really great.

She told me she was also dating another guy and was slowly coming to a decision.  I didn't let this bother me. 

I played it cool, stayed focused on my goals, and when we she would spend the weekends we would just hang out and have fun. 

The last day she was here the other guy called her and she took the call and went into the other room.   I kept my cool and just asked her how she would have felt had I did that to her.

On the way to biking her home ( I live in the Netherlands) I asked her what she needed from me and she said to not contact her and wait for her to contact me.  She was going to be spending the next week with the other guy to figure out which guy she was going to choose. 

Over the course of the last day I let the fact that she answered the guys call bother me and I later texted her a message letting her know I was only interested in dating some one who is fully romantically available.  You can guess how that went down.  She told me to have a good life and that she had made her decision.  I explained that I have over reacted, apologized and she confirmed that her mind had been made up.  I told here that I will respect her decision and just accept the outcome of my mistake.  I let her know if she changes her mind to get ahold of me and she said she will.  I haven't contacted her at all after and have no intention of doing so.  

I've turned back on the dating apps and started moving forward with the mentality that it's done.  

I'm looking for a little clarity. 

1.) With this being my only mistake is it likely that she will contact me in the next few weeks. 

2.) Did I completely blow it by just this one mistake.

 

Thanks in advance. 

[Realitysux]

I would have just told her you would make the decision for her and gave her the other man. I don't think you lost your cool but I do think this is a situation that would make you feel uneasy.

Edited May 5, 2020 by Realitysux

[rkennedynl]

Thanks Reality, maybe I’ve been looking at this all wrong.   I really liked this girl and we seem to fit really well.  It did make me feel un easy because I felt like after 2 months I should be a priority not an option.

Thanks again!

 

 

[smackie9]

As soon as she told you she was wading between you and another guy, that's when you should have made her an option and dated other women. 2 months? crikey mate, you wasted your time.

As for your message....you did it for yourself and your dignity...it shows you came to your senses that you are better than this.

[ShyViolet]

She did you a favor by deciding to go with the other guy.  Most people in your situation would not tolerate this.  She was playing games with you and being really inconsiderate of your feelings.  I mean fine, some people casually date without it being exclusive yet, but it seems like she was almost trying to flaunt this other guy in your face.  You don't need someone like this in your life.

[Realitysux]

We all go through rejection but we all recover. Just let her go! If she comes back and says she chose the other person then wish her well but if she chooses you then tell her you moved on this week without her. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by Realitysux

[poppyfields]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She did you a favor by deciding to go with the other guy.  Most people in your situation would not tolerate this.  She was playing games with you and being really inconsiderate of your feelings.  I mean fine, some people casually date without it being exclusive yet, but it seems like she was almost trying to flaunt this other guy in your face.  You don't need someone like this in your life.

Absolutely!  Please don't ever tolerate or accept this again, she sounds like an attention seeker, and enjoys men competing for her, pitting them against each other, may the best man win!

I'm sorry I find that utterly degrading, and I am a woman!   

A woman with a decent level of self esteem would never tolerate that from a man she was dating, and as a man, you shouldn't either! 

And please don't ever feel bad or guilty for directly stating what YOU are comfortable with and what you're not.

It takes strength and confidence to do that.   Never apologize for that.

You know, when dating before exclusivity, there is an unspoken rule you may be dating others. 

Unless you are sexual with those others, there is no need to tell whomever you're dating about it, especially in the way she did, telling you she will be spending a week with another guy and she will decide after that?

Good lord, next!  Done, block, delete, that is BS especially after two months dating.

Your attitude should be good riddance imo.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

2 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

I've been dating this girl for two months and things were going really great.

She told me she was also dating another guy and was slowly coming to a decision.  I didn't let this bother me. 

I played it cool, stayed focused on my goals, and when we she would spend the weekends we would just hang out and have fun. 

The last day she was here the other guy called her and she took the call and went into the other room.   I kept my cool and just asked her how she would have felt had I did that to her.

On the way to biking her home ( I live in the Netherlands) I asked her what she needed from me and she said to not contact her and wait for her to contact me.  She was going to be spending the next week with the other guy to figure out which guy she was going to choose. 

Over the course of the last day I let the fact that she answered the guys call bother me and I later texted her a message letting her know I was only interested in dating some one who is fully romantically available.  You can guess how that went down.  She told me to have a good life and that she had made her decision.  I explained that I have over reacted, apologized and she confirmed that her mind had been made up.  I told here that I will respect her decision and just accept the outcome of my mistake.  I let her know if she changes her mind to get ahold of me and she said she will.  I haven't contacted her at all after and have no intention of doing so.  

I've turned back on the dating apps and started moving forward with the mentality that it's done.  

I'm looking for a little clarity. 

1.) With this being my only mistake is it likely that she will contact me in the next few weeks. 

2.) Did I completely blow it by just this one mistake.

 

Thanks in advance. 

When she went into the other room to take the call, I would have called someone else and started chatting. When she returned, I would have pointed to the door while on the phone. You did nothing wrong, BTW. I have gone through almost this exact same scenario. The girl who did this to me came crawling back after the guy she picked started stalking her. I thought about being supportive, but all I could muster was laughter. Find someone who sees your worth.....NEXT

[Calmandfocused]

Oh my gawwwd! 
 

Op , before reading on, please note that I’m not the biggest fan of multidating. I don’t understand it, I don’t get it, and it all feels a bit icky, disrespectful  and wrong to me (yes I’ve tried it -ugg)... each to their own! 
 

2 months.... you’ve let her sleep with you and another man for 2 months and you’ve welcomed her treating you like you’re “not enough” (not true). Then you give her an open invitation to treat you like that again should she happen to change her mind in the future. What!!!!
 

Where is your self respect op? Why would you let a woman treat you like this, I don’t understand? You sound really nice. Furthermore in my experience Dutch men are very attractive. So why are you letting yourself be treated this way? 
 

You’re asking the wrong questions. You didn’t make a mistake by calling her out on her behaviour. You made a mistake by letting her treat you like a mug for 2 months. 
 

move on and find a woman who wants do be with you and only you. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Ugh. For two months you shared her with another. Please tell me you used a condom and no oral...

Now to go back to your primary concern, whether this goddess of a woman will forgive you for your transgressions, SURE. If she has a mediocre or terrible time with this other guy having sexing every day, multiple times a day, being showered with all kinds of goodies AND she has no other option...ugh. I wonder if the other guy knows of you? 

In your favour, I suppose, is the fact that she was with this guy longer and hadn't made a decision to be monogamous with him, so she has some reservations. I wonder though, if she decides on you, whether she will continue shop around. 

 

Edited May 5, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[rjc149]

You blew it by willingly participating in her little contest, pitting you vs. the other guy. "Oooh pick me pick me!" I'm sure she enjoyed every moment of it. 

You willingly accepted the frame she was setting for you, you placed her value much higher than your own. Very needy and beta. You were out long before she made her "decision." 

As soon as she told you she was dating another guy, your response: "I appreciate the honesty. Best of luck with him. If things don't work out, hit me up." Then go no contact and meet new women. If she comes back, FWB material only. 

Do you want to date some girl who is riding multiple dicks trying to decide which one she likes best? Come on man, have some goddamn standards. 

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, if she still couldn't make up her mind after 2 months and actually took a call from him while she was with you and told you to keep quiet for a week while she went to spend time with him?

She wasn't going to choose you anyway, my friend. 

Your getting upset wasn't what caused this. It was a lost cause anyway by this point. Let her go. 

[ccas93]

how was it being on The Bachlorette? 

[rkennedynl]

I failed to mention that I was the only guy she was sleeping with for the last two months.  This other guy she was just talking to.   I was also dating (not sleeping with other women at this time.)

At this point it’s irrelevant and the consensus is in.  I wasn’t valuing myself and let this girl have her way.

I’m going to have to do some homework on how not to be a doormat with women.

Thanks everyone for the feedback and appreciate the honesty.  This was definitely something I wasn’t seeing because I was so focused on just keeping my cool and not being needy.  Dating multiple people helped with this.

 

cheers

 

 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

She told me she was also dating another guy and was slowly coming to a decision.  I didn't let this bother me. 

It should have bothered you and that was your cue to kick her to the curb...
The only mistake you made was agreeing to this nonsense in the first place.

You: Pick me, pick me, pick me I am over here...
Her: Nah, I don't think I'll bother
You: OK then... 

[rjc149]

20 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I was the only guy she was sleeping with for the last two months.  

Unlikely. 

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I failed to mention that I was the only guy she was sleeping with for the last two months.  This other guy she was just talking to.   I was also dating (not sleeping with other women at this time.

I'm not sure I would buy that, OP. 

[preraph]

Other than to let you know she was still multi dating or dating, which is normal when you first get into a relationship and until and unless someone asks to be exclusive, she had no business going into detail about it with you and rubbing your nose in it. she could just as easily have just kept going out with the guy and made up her mind and neither one of you would ever known about the other and gotten awkward. 

 

The way she handled this seemed kind of dictatorial. I think you're well rid of her. but yeah when you first start dating someone you can just assume they're dating other people but don't know asking a bunch of questions unless you're ready to make some kind of a commitment which you should not be right at the first of a relationship until you've at least dated a while.

[Gr8fuln2020]

48 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I failed to mention that I was the only guy she was sleeping with for the last two months.  This other guy she was just talking to.   I was also dating (not sleeping with other women at this time.)

I’m going to have to do some homework on how not to be a doormat with women.

Thanks everyone for the feedback and appreciate the honesty.  This was definitely something I wasn’t seeing because I was so focused on just keeping my cool and not being needy.  Dating multiple people helped with this.

You were too desperate for a relationship especially with this woman. If it is true that you didn't sleep with the other women, you certainly didn't fully commit yourself and likely because you always had this suspicion that this was not going to work out. 

Being assertive and having healthy boundaries is non-negotiable. You prevent situations like this by having them. You don't have healthy boundaries. If you want to have relationships where you are not treated poorly, don't behave like others are an option. You continued seeing other ladies. Her, another man. What's more, she didn't start sleeping with him until after she with you. She was already looking for an out or another option and she found him. 

I'm also pretty certain you made no verbal agreement to be a pair. The whole 'actions is all that is needed' bologna. If you want additional assurances so there is no ambiguity as to where you stand, have a heart to heart talk about where you stand. 

[Erik30]

1 hour ago, rkennedynl said:

I failed to mention that I was the only guy she was sleeping with for the last two months.  This other guy she was just talking to.   I was also dating (not sleeping with other women at this time.)

It's possible that she just saw you as a "temporary boyfriend" during the lockdown. I have a female friend who was doing that, I'm not sure if she actually ever told the guy her intentions. (Would be "funny" if it's you, I'm also Dutch) Now that things things are slowly going back to normal, she wants to explore other options. Some people just didn't want to be alone 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, rjc149 said:

You blew it by willingly participating in her little contest, pitting you vs. the other guy. "Oooh pick me pick me!" I'm sure she enjoyed every moment of it. 

You willingly accepted the frame she was setting for you, you placed her value much higher than your own. Very needy and beta. You were out long before she made her "decision." 

As soon as she told you she was dating another guy, your response: "I appreciate the honesty. Best of luck with him. If things don't work out, hit me up." Then go no contact and meet new women. If she comes back, FWB material only. 

Do you want to date some girl who is riding multiple dicks trying to decide which one she likes best? Come on man, have some goddamn standards. 

Lol, rjc, mate I love how you think!  I bet you've got most (if not all) women respecting you too.

OP, please listen to this man, he speaketh the truth!  

Edited May 5, 2020 by poppyfields

[rkennedynl]

I have to say I was shocked when I read these responses.  This was definitely something I was not seeing. 

I keep dating girls that don't respect me.  How do I make this stop, what changes do I need to make on my end?  Should I move this topic to a different discussion board?

I'm 36 and would like to have a partner and raise a family.  My mentor advised me to go on at least 100 different dates before settling down.  (This does not mean sleeping with 100 different women.).  It has taken 3 years and this last one was date number 54.   I've learned a lot about dating, but I keep falling for the ones that don't respect me.

Thanks again for the advice.  This post is helping more than I thought. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I keep dating girls that don't respect me.  How do I make this stop, what changes do I need to make on my end?  Should I move this topic to a different discussion board?

You're not secure enough in your own boundaries. 

The way I'm reading it, you were too worried about not being needy and playing it cool that you stuffed down your own feelings of this situation not sitting well with you. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and wish someone well as you exit stage left when you see that your and her dating approaches are this different. 

[rkennedynl]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're not secure enough in your own boundaries. 

The way I'm reading it, you were too worried about not being needy and playing it cool that you stuffed down your own feelings of this situation not sitting well with you. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and wish someone well as you exit stage left when you see that your and her dating approaches are this different. 

Any advice on how to become more secure in my boundaries?  

[Gr8fuln2020]

7 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I have to say I was shocked when I read these responses.  This was definitely something I was not seeing. 

I keep dating girls that don't respect me.  How do I make this stop, what changes do I need to make on my end?  Should I move this topic to a different discussion board?

I'm 36 and would like to have a partner and raise a family.  My mentor advised me to go on at least 100 different dates before settling down.  (This does not mean sleeping with 100 different women.).  It has taken 3 years and this last one was date number 54.   I've learned a lot about dating, but I keep falling for the ones that don't respect me.

Thanks again for the advice.  This post is helping more than I thought. 

At least 100?????????????? 

Is your 'mentor' a psychiatrist/psychologist/relationship counselor? Or a friend who also happens to be a player???? WTheck?!? You have had at least one date per month on average. What the heck are you doing???? Are you making any attempt to have a healthy, sustainable relationship? Are you learning anything from them? 

How is it that it took you the 54th date to see that this recent behavior was unacceptable? You are not learning or you priorities are not truthful. I just don't get it.