I lost my cool and got rejected. Will she come back

[rkennedynl]

6 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I do admit my earlier post was harsh. I do apologize, but I am confounded when such posts exist and find it difficult at times to take them seriously or... I find it difficult to believe that people actually, seriously, think this way. I can understand 'get out there and date,' but without strategies and a holistic understanding of the person you are treating, it can be catastrophic. Again, I do apologize. I just hope you are a serious poster and looking for true advice. 

I have given you some of my suggestions. I would recommend that you find a counselor that helps you to deal with your issue of self esteem, etc. and not place you in circumstances of repeated rejection and humiliation. Let me ask you, do you have a session with this counselor after each date? Do you analyze each one and does he give you advice and strategies as to how to deal with them? Is his advice universal and not only revolve around dating? This issue MUST be something you deal with in your day to day life as well, right? 

Thank you for the suggestions and forwardness. 

I had a Psychologist I saw every week before moving here. 

I'm currently in a transition waiting for my insurance and then I will begin seeing one again on a regular basis.  

I currently only talk with family, friends, and a mentor about each date.   Some of the advice is good but its not as good as the advice I'm getting from the forum or from what I would have gotten from my Psych.  

The issue is something I've had to deal with through out my life and yes it currently is still going on.  I've taken corrective action over the past 4 years to grow, but it still happens.  I was blind sided by this current girl because I was focused on having a relationship and because I've never met someone where we had so many things in common. 

[Calmandfocused]

You gain respect from others by first respecting yourself. This means recognising your value, your worth and having a clear idea about what your standards are - and you stick to them!. You stop operating by focusing solely on the needs of others and you have a clear focus on what your boundaries are (ie what’s is and what is not acceptable behaviour from others). You communicate your needs confidently and assertively and if those boundaries are crossed a second time, you opt out immediately. 
 

And you stop placing emphasis on a “connection”. The connection does not equate to a healthy relationship. 
 

Like you I was a people pleaser. I disregarded what I wanted and needed and focused on making that other person happy. The result: I was devalued and disrespected repeatedly and men treated me exactly how they pleased. 
 

Ive worked very hard on this. I advise you do too 

 

 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[rkennedynl]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need a better BS-detector, too. 

If she was that annoyed by him, she wouldn't have kept him around. Full stop. He wasn't shooting himself in the foot if she was taking his calls in front of you and she asked you to stay away for a week so she could spend time with him. She was interested enough in him to keep it going.  I realize you likely thought you looked great in comparison to him, but well, where is she now? You would be wise to look at actions and not just go by someone's word. The fact that she continued to grant him any time to get to know her tells you that she wasn't being honest with you about her real feelings for him. She evidently told you whatever she thought sounded good to keep you around while she bounced between both of you. I hope you used protection with her because the more you write, the more I doubt her claim that she wasn't also having sex with him, too. 

Any advice on how to build a better BS detector?

[rkennedynl]

16 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

You gain respect from others by first respecting yourself. This means recognising your value, your worth and having a clear idea about what your standards are - and you stick to them!. You stop operating by focusing solely on the needs of others and you have a clear focus on what your boundaries are (ie what’s is and what is not acceptable behaviour from others). You communicate your needs confidently and assertively and if those boundaries are crossed a second time, you opt out immediately. 
 

And you stop placing emphasis on a “connection”. The connection does not equate to a healthy relationship. 
 

Like you I was a people pleaser. I disregarded what I wanted and needed and focused on making that other person happy. The result: I was devalued and disrespected repeatedly and men treated me exactly how they pleased. 
 

Ive worked very hard on this. I advise you do too 

 

 

Ok!  I agree I have a pattern of doing this.

 

 What were some of the things you did to help you find your value and worth?

[rkennedynl]

8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Aw, that was a bit harsh Gr8 , OP realizes his mistakes, he's now trying to learn.   I vote for trying to help him, his last question pertained to boundaries. 

OP, I think once you begin to realize your own value, defining and maintaining boundaries comes easy. 

I would work on that, taking steps to raise self esteem.  Doing for others helps, and even just telling yourself you're awesome and any woman would be damn lucky to have you. 

If she doesn't, it's next.  Do that enough times and you start to feel empowered!  

Thank you I will work on this!

[rkennedynl]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

You've got to learn to decide someone isn't right for you and learn to just walk away.  You do know you can't take someone and then tweak them into who you hope they'd be, right?  Love doesn't change a person's personality and ethics.  There are a billion women in the world.  Don't hold onto one who is clearly slippery and hope to change her.  Just walk away and find the next one until you find one who isn't rubbing you the wrong way or asking too much of you.

Yes I’ve learned you can’t change people.

I was just caught up in the fantasy and after posting on here I see it was all just a lie.

Thanks!

[rkennedynl]

Thank you everyone for your advice and helping me see the truth of what was really going on.

I thought by just playing it cool I was doing the right thing.  You’ve all helped me see there is a core area I need to personally work on before I can attract the partner I desire.

I’m happy to have found this forum! 😌

 

[Realitysux]

12 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

What are some examples?

It doesn't matter what mine are, you need to look at yours 

[rkennedynl]

Just now, Realitysux said:

It doesn't matter what mine are, you need to look at yours 

I was only asking for clarification to help me create my own. 

No worries, I'm sure Google can help me out. 

 

Thanks again for the advice!

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

Any advice on how to build a better BS detector?

Look to see if the actions match up with the words. 

Her behaviour with this guy contradicted what she was telling you about him. 

[rkennedynl]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Look to see if the actions match up with the words. 

Her behaviour with this guy contradicted what she was telling you about him. 

If her actions match up with the words.

Gotcha, thank you!

[elaine567]

You say you want to settle down with someone, so what are the qualities you look for in a wife so that living with her would make you happy?
What could you tolerate, what would upset you and where are your deal breakers?
You then  formulate firm boundaries
For instance
"I want a faithful woman."
OK so any sign of disloyalty, you must resolve to get her out of your life.
That is setting a firm boundary.
If she is found to be kissing other guys on nights out or has an array if orbiters who are all good "friends" of hers or she keeps acting shady, then if you tolerate it because she is "hot" or you love her, then your boundaries are weak and so your initial goal of finding a faithful woman will not be realised.
 

[rjc149]

15 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

I keep dating girls that don't respect me.  How do I make this stop, what changes do I need to make on my end? 

So you've at least realized that it's not an issue with the girls you date, it's an issue with you and the respect you have for yourself. Which seems low. 

There are plenty of resources available to you on how to walk and talk like a high-value man, so that you can internalize the fundamental mindset, which is this:

YOU are the prize, YOU are the one who women should chase, YOU set the frame, YOU are the catch. You don't get attached, you don't take sh-t from people, and you are always ready to walk away when you aren't being respected or your wishes not are not being fulfilled. Women are like subway trains -- there's another one coming in 5 minutes. There is ALWAYS another girl coming around the bend. 

So, take that mindset and apply it to this situation. You were making this girl the prize, not yourself. You were chasing her, not the other way around. You were hanging on to the hope of her choosing you, not making her hang on to the hope of being chosen by yourself. When your wish to be with her was not being respected, you did not walk away to meet another girl. You clung on and tolerated disrespect, because again, you made HER the prize, not yourself. 

You enforce your boundaries by walking away when you are disrespected and not prioritized. Walking away means WALKING AWAY. Not threatening to walk, not acting like you're walking. It means "no worries sweetheart, all the best, seeya." And never contact her again, without concern, because there are several equally attractive women who can quickly replace her. 

[poppyfields]

43 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

YOU are the prize, YOU are the one who women should chase, YOU set the frame, YOU are the catch. You don't get attached, you don't take sh-t from people, and you are always ready to walk away when you aren't being respected or your wishes not are not being fulfilled. Women are like subway trains -- there's another one coming in 5 minutes. There is ALWAYS another girl coming around the bend. 

So, take that mindset and apply it to this situation. You were making this girl the prize, not yourself. You were chasing her, not the other way around. You were hanging on to the hope of her choosing you, not making her hang on to the hope of being chosen by yourself. When your wish to be with her was not being respected, you did not walk away to meet another girl. You clung on and tolerated disrespect, because again, you made HER the prize, not yourself. 

You enforce your boundaries by walking away when you are disrespected and not prioritized. Walking away means WALKING AWAY. Not threatening to walk, not acting like you're walking. It means "no worries sweetheart, all the best, seeya." And never contact her again, without concern, because there are several equally attractive women who can quickly replace her. 

Another one to cut and paste to your fridge, right next to the previous gem rjc149 posted earlier. 

Seriously mate, good stuff. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

When you think with your emotions, you dismiss any red flags. You need to stop and assess. See if their actions match their words. Also date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. As soon as you see issues don't try and fix....kick them to the curb. I think that's where you need to start...find the strength to walk.

[Calmandfocused]

9 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

 

 What were some of the things you did to help you find your value and worth?

1) I worked on my belief/ thought systems about how I  deserve to be treated in a relationship. 

2) I started reflecting inwardly on who I am and my value as a human being and if others can’t see my value I let them go.

3) I’ve learnt not to accept the unacceptable.

4) I’ve learnt that if someone cannot treat me with decency and respect, they have not earned my decency and respect. 

5) I’ve learnt that behaving unkindly/ disrespectfully to others  is a choice, a choice that has privileges. There is no point in waiting for someone to change. They won’t.  They’re happy as they are! Waiting and hoping is a waste of emotion. 
 

There’s much more 

It wouldn’t hurt you to work with your therapist in the same areas. 
 

Once you crack this the chances are you’ll notice that women who disrespect you will stop walking into your life.  
 

 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Calmandfocused

[Realitysux]

9 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Another one to cut and paste to your fridge, right next to the previous gem rjc149 posted earlier. 

Seriously mate, good stuff. 

I'm going to post this on my fridge and take this as my new attitude! I'm also going to start following @rjc149

[CaliforniaGirl]

Ohhhhhh honey nooooooo!

When she left the room to talk to that other guy you should have left and never looked back. Not answered her texts. Written her off. Done. No storming off or getting mad or pouting, just...poof. Gone. 

 

[rkennedynl]

On 5/6/2020 at 3:32 PM, rjc149 said:

So you've at least realized that it's not an issue with the girls you date, it's an issue with you and the respect you have for yourself. Which seems low. 

There are plenty of resources available to you on how to walk and talk like a high-value man, so that you can internalize the fundamental mindset, which is this:

YOU are the prize, YOU are the one who women should chase, YOU set the frame, YOU are the catch. You don't get attached, you don't take sh-t from people, and you are always ready to walk away when you aren't being respected or your wishes not are not being fulfilled. Women are like subway trains -- there's another one coming in 5 minutes. There is ALWAYS another girl coming around the bend. 

So, take that mindset and apply it to this situation. You were making this girl the prize, not yourself. You were chasing her, not the other way around. You were hanging on to the hope of her choosing you, not making her hang on to the hope of being chosen by yourself. When your wish to be with her was not being respected, you did not walk away to meet another girl. You clung on and tolerated disrespect, because again, you made HER the prize, not yourself. 

You enforce your boundaries by walking away when you are disrespected and not prioritized. Walking away means WALKING AWAY. Not threatening to walk, not acting like you're walking. It means "no worries sweetheart, all the best, seeya." And never contact her again, without concern, because there are several equally attractive women who can quickly replace her. 

Thanks for this!

If I'm understanding you correctly.  Today I applied this by letting a girl know that I wasn't interested in getting to know her over text.  I told her that I wanted to video chat to not waste time and to see if there was a physical connection.  She kept trying to push to chat over text and I didn't budge.  I set a date for Saturday for a voice call and if it went well we could transfer to video.  

I was willing to walk away if she didn't want to because I don't have time to waste on texting. 

Is this what you meant by making myself the prize?

[rjc149]

14 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

Thanks for this!

If I'm understanding you correctly.  Today I applied this by letting a girl know that I wasn't interested in getting to know her over text.  I told her that I wanted to video chat to not waste time and to see if there was a physical connection.  She kept trying to push to chat over text and I didn't budge.  I set a date for Saturday for a voice call and if it went well we could transfer to video.  

I was willing to walk away if she didn't want to because I don't have time to waste on texting. 

Is this what you meant by making myself the prize?

That is exactly what I meant.

Set the frame, lead, be steadfast in yourself and what you want, and never take the sh-tburger deal. Walk away and find a better deal. 

Good job. 

[SumGuy]

26 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

Thanks for this!

If I'm understanding you correctly.  Today I applied this by letting a girl know that I wasn't interested in getting to know her over text.  I told her that I wanted to video chat to not waste time and to see if there was a physical connection.  She kept trying to push to chat over text and I didn't budge.  I set a date for Saturday for a voice call and if it went well we could transfer to video.  

I was willing to walk away if she didn't want to because I don't have time to waste on texting. 

Is this what you meant by making myself the prize?

Not sure if this is what rjc meant but to me going too far.   

Video chat is fine, but to put it out there as a need to see if there is a physical connection so as to not waste time.  Misguided.  First, you'll never know if there is true chemistry until you meet in person.  Second, "physical connection" to "not waste time" really just means I want to see what your body looks like.  That you "pushed" doesn't make you come off any better in my opinion.  Sure people agree to be polite, but most people taking being pushed as a negative...strike 1.  (Understand you are in the Nederlands, so the baseball reference may not work...how about yellow card  )   

Yes I believe that video chat is better than text to communicate.  But text as a first step is fine as well.   

On voice-only calls I'm of the camp they are not great (I know others believe the opposite) as I find it awkward to carry on a personal conversation with a stranger when I cannot see their non-verbal ques, and interruptions can be common.   That's just me though.

Lastly, I don't see from what your written that physical connection is your issue, in fact you may be letting the physical attraction overwhelm how you are treated.   It is how she treats you and the non-physical connection that seems to be where you need to focus your efforts. 

 

Doei

Edited May 7, 2020 by SumGuy

[rjc149]

The point isn't as much whether it's texting vs. video call. Neither are ideal. 

The point is the OP asserting himself with women. He's not simply obeying a woman to make sure she doesn't get upset with him and leave. The mindset he needs to adopt is to be dominant, do and say what he wants, stick to his guns, and not give a sh-t if she likes it or not. If she doesn't like it, there's the door sweetheart, seeya next Tuesday, don't let the door hit you on the way out, tell the next girl in line to come in. 

When a weak beta guy learns how to assert himself, that process will often result in gross over-compensation toward the dickhead end of the spectrum. But he's got to play there for a bit, learn to be comfortable with disapproval, before he calibrates back to the middle and becomes a nice guy who is also confident and assertive. That's the optimally attractive man. 

Edited May 7, 2020 by rjc149

[ExpatInItaly]

17 hours ago, rkennedynl said:

If I'm understanding you correctly.  Today I applied this by letting a girl know that I wasn't interested in getting to know her over text.  I told her that I wanted to video chat to not waste time and to see if there was a physical connection. 

Hm. Did you actually use these words? (or the Dutch translation of them)

Also, how long have you communicated by texting? 

[miranda561]

On 5/5/2020 at 5:24 PM, rkennedynl said:

I've been dating this girl for two months and things were going really great.

She told me she was also dating another guy and was slowly coming to a decision.  I didn't let this bother me. 

I played it cool, stayed focused on my goals, and when we she would spend the weekends we would just hang out and have fun. 

The last day she was here the other guy called her and she took the call and went into the other room.   I kept my cool and just asked her how she would have felt had I did that to her.

On the way to biking her home ( I live in the Netherlands) I asked her what she needed from me and she said to not contact her and wait for her to contact me.  She was going to be spending the next week with the other guy to figure out which guy she was going to choose. 

Over the course of the last day I let the fact that she answered the guys call bother me and I later texted her a message letting her know I was only interested in dating some one who is fully romantically available.  You can guess how that went down.  She told me to have a good life and that she had made her decision.  I explained that I have over reacted, apologized and she confirmed that her mind had been made up.  I told here that I will respect her decision and just accept the outcome of my mistake.  I let her know if she changes her mind to get ahold of me and she said she will.  I haven't contacted her at all after and have no intention of doing so.  

I've turned back on the dating apps and started moving forward with the mentality that it's done.  

I'm looking for a little clarity. 

1.) With this being my only mistake is it likely that she will contact me in the next few weeks. 

2.) Did I completely blow it by just this one mistake.

 

Thanks in advance. 

1. She may contact you if she wants an ego boost or it somehow doesn't  work out with the other one.

2. You shouldnt even care about this woman, the way shes treated  you has been appalling 

[rkennedynl]

On 5/8/2020 at 12:12 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Hm. Did you actually use these words? (or the Dutch translation of them)

Also, how long have you communicated by texting? 

I used these words.  I usually keep the texting going long enough to where there is rapport, I get her number, and we schedule a date.