I lost my cool and got rejected. Will she come back

[Gr8fuln2020]

Just now, rkennedynl said:

Any advice on how to become more secure in my boundaries?  

Have some standards. Do you have a core set of standards that you believe in and practice? 

[rkennedynl]

2 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Have some standards. Do you have a core set of standards that you believe in and practice? 

To be honest, no I don't

 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

Any advice on how to become more secure in my boundaries?  

You first need to figure out what those boundaries are, exactly. 

And work on your confidence so that you're not so timid in sticking by them. 

[Realitysux]

I have a core set of standards I follow and I'm not even dating. 

[rkennedynl]

3 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

At least 100?????????????? 

Is your 'mentor' a psychiatrist/psychologist/relationship counselor? Or a friend who also happens to be a player???? WTheck?!? You have had at least one date per month on average. What the heck are you doing???? Are you making any attempt to have a healthy, sustainable relationship? Are you learning anything from them? 

How is it that it took you the 54th date to see that this recent behavior was unacceptable? You are not learning or you priorities are not truthful. I just don't get it. 

My mentor was a relationship counselor.  I've learned how to better handle rejection and how to walk away from girls I'm not interested in.  There's a lot more I've learned over the last 3 years, but it's very clear I have a lot to learn.   I used to be extremely week, needy, and just fall apart every time a relationship would end. 

 

What do you mean by my priorities are not truthful?

[rkennedynl]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You first need to figure out what those boundaries are, exactly. 

And work on your confidence so that you're not so timid in sticking by them. 

Thank you!

[rkennedynl]

3 minutes ago, Realitysux said:

I have a core set of standards I follow and I'm not even dating. 

What are some examples?

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

To be honest, no I don't

rkennedynl, I don't believe you.  There is NO way you are going to have a successful relationship with monogamy, children, happily ever after, if you don't have any expectations and standards. For starters, write down the characteristics you would like your partners to have that you value. Start with 3-5 BIG characteristics and branch off from them and think about the benefits and disadvantages if they do not exist. 

[rkennedynl]

1 minute ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

rkennedynl, I don't believe you.  There is NO way you are going to have a successful relationship with monogamy, children, happily ever after, if you don't have any expectations and standards. For starters, write down the characteristics you would like your partners to have that you value. Start with 3-5 BIG characteristics and branch off from them and think about the benefits and disadvantages if they do not exist. 

I have some expectations.  I used to have a list of 20 characteristics but when I found a girl that had all of them it was too demanding. 

I've narrowed it down to 3 top characteristics.  

The only standards I have are that she is kind and doesn't cheat on me.  

[Gr8fuln2020]

4 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

My mentor was a relationship counselor.  I've learned how to better handle rejection and how to walk away from girls I'm not interested in.  There's a lot more I've learned over the last 3 years, but it's very clear I have a lot to learn.   I used to be extremely week, needy, and just fall apart every time a relationship would end. 

What do you mean by my priorities are not truthful?

I read your more recent post and have a better understanding, if true. I meant that dating 100+ women doesn't sound like someone who is genuinely looking for ANY kind of relationship other than the most subversive and masochistic type. You are looking to get rejected so that you can better deal with it? 

[rkennedynl]

Just now, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I read your more recent post and have a better understanding, if true. I meant that dating 100+ women doesn't sound like someone who is genuinely looking for ANY kind of relationship other than the most subversive and masochistic type. You are looking to get rejected so that you can better deal with it? 

Correct.  The old me would have blown up this girls phone, begging, pleading, the whole 9 yards.

I also learned that there are some girls I'm not interested in dating, where I used to just date anyone who would have me. 

It was suggested to help build me up. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 minute ago, rkennedynl said:

I have some expectations.  I used to have a list of 20 characteristics but when I found a girl that had all of them it was too demanding. 

I've narrowed it down to 3 top characteristics.  

The only standards I have are that she is kind and doesn't cheat on me.  

Ok. You need to go back to your core characteristics and have such expectations. BUT..I warn you, don't treat this like the Ten Commandments to which believers love to tout and claim to value, but not a single one of them is capable of adhering to so, don't make this into a rigid checklist that cannot be met. Human beings are on a sliding scale of behavior and  beliefs and it is up to you to pronounce those that are not ever negotiable. But with those standards and expectations, so to you they must apply. 

[rkennedynl]

1 minute ago, enigma32 said:

This girl you were seeing is awful, truly awful. She's got a lot of nerve to tell you that she needs to spend a week with another guy so she can figure out who she wants to be with. Let me give you some advice, if a girl tells you she doesn't know who she wants to be with, help her make the decision by kicking her to the curb. She is not worth your time and energy. 

Women do not respect you because you do not respect yourself. Demand better. 

I will do this moving forward.  Thank you!

[rkennedynl]

4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Ok. You need to go back to your core characteristics and have such expectations. BUT..I warn you, don't treat this like the Ten Commandments to which believers love to tout and claim to value, but not a single one of them is capable of adhering to so, don't make this into a rigid checklist that cannot be met. Human beings are on a sliding scale of behavior and  beliefs and it is up to you to pronounce those that are not ever negotiable. But with those standards and expectations, so to you they must apply. 

Gotcha, thanks for the clarification!!

[elaine567]

What made you think that a girl who was sleeping with you, but keeping her options open with another hanger on guy, would be a good person to settle down with?
 

[poppyfields]

36 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

At least 100?????????????? 

Is your 'mentor' a psychiatrist/psychologist/relationship counselor? Or a friend who also happens to be a player???? WTheck?!? You have had at least one date per month on average. What the heck are you doing???? Are you making any attempt to have a healthy, sustainable relationship? Are you learning anything from them? 

How is it that it took you the 54th date to see that this recent behavior was unacceptable? You are not learning or you priorities are not truthful. I just don't get it. 

Aw, that was a bit harsh Gr8 , OP realizes his mistakes, he's now trying to learn.   I vote for trying to help him, his last question pertained to boundaries. 

OP, I think once you begin to realize your own value, defining and maintaining boundaries comes easy. 

I would work on that, taking steps to raise self esteem.  Doing for others helps, and even just telling yourself you're awesome and any woman would be damn lucky to have you. 

If she doesn't, it's next.  Do that enough times and you start to feel empowered!  

[Gr8fuln2020]

I do admit my earlier post was harsh. I do apologize, but I am confounded when such posts exist and find it difficult at times to take them seriously or... I find it difficult to believe that people actually, seriously, think this way. I can understand 'get out there and date,' but without strategies and a holistic understanding of the person you are treating, it can be catastrophic. Again, I do apologize. I just hope you are a serious poster and looking for true advice. 

I have given you some of my suggestions. I would recommend that you find a counselor that helps you to deal with your issue of self esteem, etc. and not place you in circumstances of repeated rejection and humiliation. Let me ask you, do you have a session with this counselor after each date? Do you analyze each one and does he give you advice and strategies as to how to deal with them? Is his advice universal and not only revolve around dating? This issue MUST be something you deal with in your day to day life as well, right? 

[SumGuy]

Simple first step, when you sleep with someone make sure you are both on the same page that you’ll both be exclusive.   
 

No multi-dating.   No trying to convince her to be in to you.   Be your best self and if that doesn’t do it for her move on. 
 

That of course if you want to get out of the FWB land.   

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, rjc, mate I love how you think!  I bet you've got most (if not all) women respecting you too.

OP, please listen to this man, he speaketh the truth!  

All learned the hard way. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

OP. You have a counselor. You are on a dating forum asking for advice about how to create standards for yourself. Basic expectations. I hope you can see why I, personally, am at a loss. 🙄😳

[chillii]

Why on earth would you be even bothering if she's seeing someone else too , Jezuz , and she's slowly making up her mind , wtf, lucky you , why would you put up with that ? Dump her and go find someone where there is no doubt in her mind and no 2nd choice bs, if your not the man then she ain't the woman, full stop.

[preraph]

You've got to learn to decide someone isn't right for you and learn to just walk away.  You do know you can't take someone and then tweak them into who you hope they'd be, right?  Love doesn't change a person's personality and ethics.  There are a billion women in the world.  Don't hold onto one who is clearly slippery and hope to change her.  Just walk away and find the next one until you find one who isn't rubbing you the wrong way or asking too much of you.

[Interstellar]

10 hours ago, Realitysux said:

I would have just told her you would make the decision for her and gave her the other man. I don't think you lost your cool but I do think this is a situation that would make you feel uneasy.

Hah, exactly. Tell her to pick the other guy, and really mean it. Wish her the best. Then block and delete. Goodbye.

Forget her. Her interest level just isn’t high enough. 

Edited May 6, 2020 by Interstellar

[rkennedynl]

Because when we would up on the phone until 2 am almost every night and we connected on so many different levels. 

Honestly we had more things in common than with someone I've ever met. 

I didn't really think anything of it because she was falling for me too.  The other guy was just becoming a pain for her and she was feeling guilty because he was actually weaker and needier then I was.  I was just patiently waiting watching this guy shoot himself in the foot left and right. 

I failed to see that I was actually being disrespected in the process, because I was blinded on the thought of having a relationship with this women. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, rkennedynl said:

I didn't really think anything of it because she was falling for me too.  The other guy was just becoming a pain for her and she was feeling guilty because he was actually weaker and needier then I was.  I was just patiently waiting watching this guy shoot himself in the foot left and right. 

I failed to see that I was actually being disrespected in the process, because I was blinded on the thought of having a relationship with this women. 

You need a better BS-detector, too. 

If she was that annoyed by him, she wouldn't have kept him around. Full stop. He wasn't shooting himself in the foot if she was taking his calls in front of you and she asked you to stay away for a week so she could spend time with him. She was interested enough in him to keep it going.  I realize you likely thought you looked great in comparison to him, but well, where is she now? You would be wise to look at actions and not just go by someone's word. The fact that she continued to grant him any time to get to know her tells you that she wasn't being honest with you about her real feelings for him. She evidently told you whatever she thought sounded good to keep you around while she bounced between both of you. I hope you used protection with her because the more you write, the more I doubt her claim that she wasn't also having sex with him, too.