Share your Infidelity Success stories

[Sadie1]

Please, I need some comforting words and success stories regarding infidelity.

My husband and I have been married for going on three years. I just found out that this past year he was having an affair with another woman.

He did not come clean. I found videos on his phone and confronted him about it. I asked a bunch of questions; he answered them with lies. I found out the true nature of the affair when I had my friend reach out to the other woman.

He and I had no issues, and until the last couple of weeks, I did not suspect a thing, as far as I knew we were happy newlyweds.

He has accepted full blame and seems regretful of his actions. He has apologized profusely, and we are both seeking counseling to get through this. Since we started counseling, he has confessed to other encounters with women over the last year. He says that he is completely done with the lifestyle and wants to go forward with honesty, transparency, and integrity in the relationship.

I would like to move forward, but his level of betrayal just has me stuck right now. I would like to hear from people who were able to move on and live a happily married life after all.

I do not want to leave him, I would like to save our marriage and move forward, but right now he is disgusting to me, and I can barely look at him on most days.

[heartwhole2]

I'm so very sorry he put you in this position. Your reality has been shattered and it's natural to hope that you can get back to something resembling what you had before as quickly as possible. But of course, it's not that easy. 

People don't just turn integrity on and off with a flick of a switch. If he was OK with lying to your face even when caught, risking your health, etc., then it will take a lot of work (on his part) for him to become someone who isn't OK with those things. As you know, many people aren't, so he's starting at a disadvantage. 

Many people do reconcile marriages and live healthy and happy lives after infidelity -- my  husband cheated on me and we've done this -- but I'm afraid that you will have to let go of the outcome. You can choose marriage no matter what, or health no matter what. Sometimes you can have both, but that's out of your control. It depends a lot on someone whom you can't put any faith in right now. So that's your job -- choosing health, choosing yourself, no matter what your husband does. 

You both should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal After an Affair . . . it will help you get a sense of whether he's truly remorseful or just regretful. How much empathy can this guy currently have if he was able to turn off his concern for you so easily? A person can develop empathy but it takes effort and follow through. 

Here's the thing about happiness -- it's a byproduct of healthy living. You are going to be OK and happy and healthy. I can't guarantee that it will be in your marriage, but if you make your own health a priority and your husband does too, you just might build something worth keeping on a new foundation. 

[Sadie1]

@heartwhole2 Thank you very much for this response, I really appreciate it. It has been a struggle, some days I feel like I can get over it and other days I just feel completely stuck. But thank you for this glimmer of hope that either way I will be Okay.

Edited May 5, 2020 by Sadie1

[Lotsgoingon]

What troubles me is that you guys are married only three years and already he's had multiple affairs. Look, anything is possible. But more likely, somehow you chose a chronic cheater for a spouse. 

Your job right now is NOT to save the marriage. Your job right now is to go back and figure out how you missed this ... how he hid these affairs ... why you trusted him. He had to lie to you many times ... Why did you not get suspicious ... 

In my experience, you need to go through this process ... so that at the other end (if the marriage survives) ... you will have the instincts and the behaviors to not be so easily fooled by him. 

I hate to say this: but it's quite likely he was having affairs all along ... through your dating, your engagement ... and the big problem in that case is that you never knew him when he was NOT cheating. So therefore, you can't detect signs that he's lying or being vague ... because he was always that way with you. 

The best thing you can do to save the marriage is to save yourself ... Time to mature, get more skeptical, get more demanding. He apparently thinks you're gullible and pushover, that won't ask questions, that you're way too accepting. He's not afraid of cheating on you, not afraid that you'll catch him. You have to be be strong enough to leave ... in order to get someone to deeply work on themselves and stay. 

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 5/5/2020 at 2:43 PM, Sadie1 said:

Please, I need some comforting words and success stories regarding infidelity.

........

I would like to move forward, but his level of betrayal just has me stuck right now. I would like to hear from people who were able to move on and live a happily married life after all.

I do not want to leave him, I would like to save our marriage and move forward, but right now he is disgusting to me, and I can barely look at him on most days.

This should not be your focus at this point. If you want to move forward you have to start with the affair; the here and now. See where you are in 6 months or a year, then maybe you can think about the future.

[JS84]

It's fine to want to reconcile but you shouldn't jump head first into reconciliation with a serial cheater right out of the gate. All you're doing is telling him he can cheat on you and you're not going to go anywhere. Which is not going to discourage him from cheating on you again. It's also not a great sign that he didn't confess what he did and when caught his first instinct was to tell you lies.

I'm not saying you can't reconcile and have a happy marriage down the road but you really need to be realistic. You've only been married 3 years and he's already cheated on you multiple times. That is not a good sign.

You also need to ask yourself if you really want to be with this man after what he's done or are you just afraid of losing him and your marriage. To me there's a difference. You don't really list any positive qualities of your husband or even why you want to stay with him. Feeling disgust towards him is perfectly normal and it might fade. But on average it takes 2 - 5 years to heal from an affair and some people never do.

There was no mention of kids, your ages or anything like that but you need to imagine what staying married to this man for another 10 or 20 years could possibly look like. And it's not pretty. Serial cheaters rarely change, and as someone else eluded to there's a pretty good chance he's been cheating on you your entire relationship. If your first instinct is to save your marriage, without taking how much damage he could potentially cause you in the future if you decide to stick it out with him, you're opening yourself up to possibly being hurt considerably more than you already have been. If I had a nickel for every time I've heard someone say they wish they had left their cheating spouse when they first cheated I could have retired years ago.

Cheaters, especially serial cheaters, rarely just stop cheating cold turkey. Just because he's apologizing and saying the right things, doesn't mean he has changed or even can change. He's already shown you he's a skilled liar and manipulative. His actions are what you should be watching for to determine whether he can be a safe partner. Not apologies and empty promises. He's in damage control mode so of course he's going to tell you what you want to hear.

Also you didn't specify if you're in marriage counseling or individual counseling but if it's marriage counseling you should probably put a stop to that for now. Right now he should be in individual counseling for himself to figure out why he did this and how to prevent doing this again. And maybe individual counseling for yourself if you need it. But chances are he's not nearly as remorseful as you want to give him credit for at this point. In which case marriage counseling is a waste of your time and money. He needs to work on fixing himself before he can work on fixing the damage he's caused to your marriage.

Edited May 8, 2020 by JS84

[notbroken]

Infidelity success stories?   You find out, you divorce him, you recover and go on to be happy with a faithful partner.   That is a success.   

 

[stillafool]

If he had confessed the affair before you busted him I would say he's remorseful.  But you found out on your own and if you had not the affair would still be going on.  It still may and they have taken it underground to make sure they aren't found out again.  No I wouldn't trust anything he is saying at this point.  He needs to walk over hot coals to get you back.  

[oldtruck]

when young, married short time, no kids, no financial entanglements, best to

divorce and find someone new.

being your WH has had multiple affairs, a serial cheater in addition to above it

is mandatory to divorce your WH.

[pepperbird]

op,

my spouse had an affair over 10 years ago. We've been married now for almost 23 years.

I have some advice-it may not be great, but I do hope it helps. It's what I learned after living through it.

- don't fall to quickly for the " I can change" . Of course, there's no truth to the saying" once a cheater, always a cheater", but past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour if the person doesn't really wish to change. People who get caught often make panicked promises. Look at his actions, not his words.

- I'm not happy he only told you about this because he got caught. That often doesn't bode well.

- give yourself time. there;s no rush to sort this out-you have all the time in the world. in a weird way, I was lucky my spouse deployed for a year a couple of weeks after he told me. It gave me the time I needed to sort through all this without having him always right there.

-make sure you stay because it;s a choice, not because you feel you have to

-there's no right or wrong way to feel. you may be going through a whole range of emotions from sadness to anger, grief, fear and more. Don't hide from them. Face them full on,. I found writing them out to be helpful,, but everyone finds their own way.

-make sure you give yourself lots of TLC. go out on your own, go out with friends on your own, exercise, eat right, make sure you stay socially connected. That saved me. The night he confessed, I was supposed to attend a board meeting. I cancelled, and when my friends found out why, they picked me up and  we talked through everything.

-really think about why you want to stay with him and if you do, what will your future be like? Do you think you will be able to forgive him? Do you think you can move past this? It may still be too soon to tell, but those questions are important. It's no good staying together if you're both unhappy.

-now we come to a very thorny question- the issue of trust. If it was me, I don;t think I could trust being in a relationship with someone like your husband- someone who is a serial cheat. That doesn't  mean he's a bad guy, just that monogamy may not be in his make up.  This is where trust really comes in. Do you trust that he's self aware enough to change? Do you think he;s capable of recognizing the reasons why he cheats and address them within himself? Some people can. they work hard and learn new behaviour patterns. They even go on to be happy! If you think that's your husband, then I would predict your chances are good. Counselling is important, and so is support from your friends and family. The more the better.

Three more points, and then I'll stop talking your ear off.

-the first is that you will have to accept you may never be able to trust him 100 percent again, if you did before. That's a very bitter pill.

-your marriage is quite new. that he couldn't even make it this far without cheating doesn't bode well

A marriage can recover from an affair. but a full recovery includes addressing whatever issues are in him that led to the cheating. You;ll also have to work on problems within your marrige itself, not because they "caused the cheating", but because working on them will give you the best foundation to rebuild upon

lastly, a word almost every BS learns pretty quickly is grace. some say that a BS has to learn how to eat a sh*t sandwich with style, but I think the word
"grace" sounds  a little better🤣

Take care...you've got this!
 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sadie, you've been given sage advice by all those who have replied to your posts. I have a few questions the answers to which may help clarify matters more. Firstly, I would like to know how old you and your husband are? Secondly, how long had you known him before the two of you tied the knot? Thirdly, while you were dating did you have any reason to be suspicious about his behaviour, especially with other women? Was he a big flirt? How much did you know about him really? Also how did the two of you get together in the first place? Were either of you dating others at the time? I hope you can answer these questions as objectively as possible as the answers may shed light on your husband's behaviour.

I would also like to add that this is the honeymoon period of your marriage. Maybe this is the reason you did not suspect that he was cheating on you. By the same token, this was the period when he should have been fully devoted to you as you would have been to him. If he could cheat on you now, it speaks poorly of his commitment to you and to your relationship. There is really very little to save here if at all. If you are still young my opinion is that you should call it a day and over his protestations, initiate divorce proceedings and move on with your life. You are bound to find someone who is loyal and who loves you for who you are and who will not betray you like this. Take it as a lesson learnt and beware of another like your husband. Even if you are not young any more, it is better to divorce and lead a life of a happy Singleton. You never know you may find a fine gentleman in your age group who would be the right fit for you. Whatever be the case , you will be a much happier person without having to deal with the baggage of infidelity. Warm wishes.

Edited May 11, 2020 by Just a Guy
Correction of spelling errors.

[DKT3]

A better approach would be,  prepare yourself to exit but keep your mind open to possibly saving the marriage. 

If your husband is being genuine then he will jump on that boat before it leaves the docks. If not you will have saved yourself months of pain shopping and BS.